Thursday, January 27, 2011

I'm God's favorite toy!

Eyes have cried,
but tears have dried.
The only thing left in it,
is just emptiness.
I see no life.
I see no joy.
May be God thinks, 
I'm His toy.
May be that's why,
He keeps playing with my life.
He breaks me,
and makes me,
May be I'm His favorite,
Because he never lets me,
to befriend death.
This was the fifth time when,
I called death to take me with him.
But God is being mean
and not letting me to die and be a gleam.. 

Monday, January 24, 2011

do not read! comments have been disabled!

How I'm FEELING RIGHT NOW? I'm feeling like a crap.. why didn't I die.. I want to kill myself..Can I do it again.. No I can't..I don't keep these things in my mind.. MOM beat me again.. This time it was my fault as well as hers. I know I did wrong but it doesn't mean that she'll beat me like anything.. I'm 17.. I'm not a kid.. my wishes. my secrets, my demands have changed. I tooo have a life but they'll never understand. She used everything that she found to beat me.. iron chair, stick, lock, bunch of keys and everything.. My hands and legs hurts badly. I didn't want to write all these stuffs here. I'm sorry but tumblr blog is on maintainance or something.. I wish I could stop my tears. Why do I have to face these stuffs all alone? Why I never have anyone to share my pain. When I need my friends badly they are never there. i DON'T WANNA FEEL LIKE THIS ANYMORE.. thats why I say I'm scared to be happy. Because God and Happiness both hates me.

p.s. I know.. a few of you have read this... I have disabled the comments for this post..I dont want to talk anything about it anymore. So yeah if you are my facebook friend or you have my gmail or anything then please dont message me about it.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

"I know you lie.."

Scream, bleed 
and never wish for whatever you need.
And you need to fear
the cruel world murdering
Always wished for love
but gained brutality;
I don't want sanity if this
going to be my end.
Often felt like a waste of space,
failed to match the present trend.
I swear I wish for someone
to understand me and
my heart, I never wanted
to hurt just wanted to smile.
I know you saw me and
heard me crying and you say
you weren't there but hey
I know you lie,
Its right there in your eye.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Mom and dad's 18th anniversary :)

Its my mom and dad's 18th anniversary :)  Wanna know how I wished them today? Well I didn't have money so I didn't buy anything. I had practical exams and I'm sick so I didn't even make anything. I went in mom and dad's room give them one kiss and said "Happy anniversary" :)
I don't how is it going to be. Well till now it went all good but still I'm scared. I'm not afraid or may be I am? I don't know. But I know that I'm not the old "chocolate lover" who wanted everything best(atleast not for now). My days aren't the best but it is okay. And I have learned to live with it. Now I know that jerks will keep hating me.
Umm today was my chemistry practical(board one). And it went awesomely well :P I got the right radicals and functional group and titration too was good. LOL the good thing is I didn't throw up in the chemistry lab. Smell of chlorine, ammonia and rotten egg made me more sick.
Anyways I don't write any "happy" post 'cause everything gets messed up and I end up crying for stupid thing!
Well I won't be blogging for a while. I nedd to study. The coming days are really important for me. And my hard work would tell how my future is going to be. I have got board practicals this week and then a lot and lots of things I need to study! Hopefully I will do good. 
well anyways I did a cover :) My inspiration for doing covers is Jarrod Matthew. I love him. He has got an amazing voice (:

The song is Say what you will :)
 Please do tell me how it is :)

Friday, January 14, 2011

FUN!!! :D :P :O

HAHAHAHAHA!! yesterday was awesome :3 Wany sir (our English teacher) is Prince's (My best friend) dad. :P And he doesn't know that Prince has a GF (Actually he knows but he pretends as if he doesn't :P) So he asked a question to Divya(Prince's GF) But she couldn't reply :P :D haha! Then he said "where's your brother.. PRINCE??!!" XDD LMAO we started giggling.. somehow we controlled ourselves and we didn't laugh for a minute. But as he left the room we all counted..1..2..3.. and started laughing XDD and kept teasing Divya for the whole day and it wasn't like this happened for the first time with Divya.
Actually "Tragedies" and Divya are just meant for each other.  Last month on 22nd December, we(all gals and Tunesh) stole a peice of sodium from the chemistry lab :P And in the last period we took it out in the school ground and Divya started pouring water on it. At first it kinda started melting o.o so she kept pouring more and more :D and it exploded >.< Geez it was so scary. She was screaming in pain. That white liquid kinda thingie went in our faces and clothes and in her (Divya's) eyes!! D: We were so damn scared. But then we informed our teachers and they asked her to wash her face and eyes and after a few minutes, everything was back to normal. :)
Ohh btw, this video (ain't so long so watch it, its only of 45 sec.) was made yesterday by me. Ayush ish trying to do a stunt. The quality sucks because it was captured in Divya's cellphone :P 

Wednesday, January 12, 2011


Wanna be a sweetheart,
and no more apart,
from you and your soul.
You make me whole.
I'm drenched in music,
and a lot rhythmic,
singing, smiling,
and dreaming.
I closed my eyes
and thought over those lies
and then I found how
this world turns cold;
only the one who is bold
and everyone else dies.
I must be dreaming
thought you were whisking,
I saw you tonight,
in the low light.
And this pink mist
doesn't let me miss you the least.
Dancing on your tune,
beneath the pale moon.
And finally become yours
now, forever and ever. 

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Choco ish smiling :D :)

Ummm okay so I've deactivated FB. I was feeling bad but I'm okay now :) LOL I'll be back soon may be :P (can't live without that "idiot") :D Aaah I'm thinking of making a youtube channel for random stuffs. I have webcam and I was told by a friend on facebook that I should make some videos :) 
Anyways you won't believe, I was so damn upset 'cause of deactivating my FB account. I felt like I died :P Umm and then I decided to Youtube and listen or find some more sad stuffs :P But then I decided to watch Shane dawsons video :) Hahaha xD He ish pretty cool and awesome :D His video cheered me up and made me smile ^_^
 Aaah loved him ^_^ ♥ ♥ ♥ 
 He ish nice :D And he can cheer you up through his videos :D
He's on youtube
Well he cheered me up :P

Don't feel like writing anything more :P
Umm Good night! I'm tired now! ^_^

Monday, January 10, 2011

You have no idea how badly I am hating things around me! :(

You have no idea how badly I hate things around me. I hate when He gets angry. I hate when she yells at me for no reason. I hate to see that literally I have no one who cares. I hate it when my parents get mad and "fight". I hate to know that my parents use abusive words. I'm not saying that it happens only with me. I know it happens everywhere but specially in India. May be be you too have gone through this. You know what.. I kinda don't like India anymore for this one reason. I am not saying that I "hate" it. I am saying that I don't like few facts about here. 
I didn't want to cry this year but I can't help it. I'm so damn tired of these stuffs. Its 9th Jan and I had only one day when I didn't cry. I'm so not happy now. I wish if I could run from here and go somewhere else.

I don't know how to,
survive another day.
I don't know how to, 
take control of my fears,
I don't know how to,
stop my tears.

I don't have wings,
I know but,
I want to fly and glow.
I'm caged in thoughts,
care and love.
Questions linger in mind,
"Am I ever going to have,
my guardian angel?
Am I ever going to meet,
someone special?"

I don't know, seems like, 
life won't change,
and remain the same.
I have no where to go;
and when I feel alone,
I go out in the balcony,
sometimes sit in the stair case,
put the music on,
sing the song and pretend
that I'm not listening. 

Tears run down and,
I keep hating God, 
and Myself.
Situations and their talk, 
makes me think that,
I am a curse and,
It gets more worse. 

I guess I'll deactivate my FB account. Umm there is no need of FB right now. And I don't know a lot of people out there. I don't really talk to them nor they talk to me. And for the first time when I decided to do so, I didn't really get any reaction from any of my "friends" there except one and I didn't delete it that time. This time I'm not going to tell anyone about this!
Hate the way, that one person keeps ignoring me on fb and gets off whenever I want to talk. =| 

Sunday, January 9, 2011

"I know and I wish"

"..In life, everything feels like the end of the world. But it's not; it's just the beginning. You might have to meet a few more jerks, but one day you're gonna meet a boy who treats you the way you deserve to be treated. Like the sun rises and sets with you.."

"..This time my heart don't shatter.."

Close your eyes,
Fall in illusion,
dream around and,
Sing to the sun..
Bear all your pain and, 
secrets in your heart...
These feelings are,
taking control of me,
and I don't know how to,
let it go but I know,
this feeling is echanting
heading towards
Lurking danger. 
And it's so hard to,
be around you only as a,
friend when my feelings,
have changed...
When I'll cry I won't,
make a sound,
so you don't wake up... 
I'll walk all alone,
think about you and,
your words...
And I'll just wish,
that this time,
my heart don't shatter! 

P.S Pre board exams gonna start from 27th Jan. 

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Jealous and angry, Messed up mood!!

Tunesh lied. And I'm so angry. He is my best friend and he is so not supposed to lie!! :| Aaah he called me up asked me if I am going to Anisha's birthday party. 
Me: Party? ummm not, not been invited!
He: hmm, same. I am not going either and I just came to know about the party from someone.
Me: ohh okay.

But ACTUALLY he did go for the party and didn't tell me a thing? WHY did he lie?? (=.=||) Aaah I cried. Wow! He seriously doesn't like her(he told me that) then why the hell he went for the party!! And on my birthday? He wished me around 1 pm. And he didn't even came to my party! I had to celebrate it all alone. :( It sucks!! Why it always happens to me? Omg.. Is he going to backstab me? He is just like anyone else in my life! I seriously don't remember a thing that he did for me. He really did nothing for me. He'll never do. He didn't even say a thing when he found that I had cut my wrist and didn't even care to ask why I did so? Even my parents don't know a thing. They haven't even seen my scars.

No one is ever going to care.
And when I'll die,
The only thing I'll leave behind,
would be tears in their eye,
and not my absence in their life.

P.S. don't tell me that I have my parents who care for me 'cause I know how my life is like. Its crappy!! And it will always remain the same.

Friday, January 7, 2011


Loves the way dreams
turn their path,
sometimes they seem close
sometimes at infinity
I wish If I could find my sanity
and I don't know why 
I have this vanity!

P.S.I was awarded by Kelvin a few backs! ^_^ This award ish "You inspire me" award :3

Thank you kelvin ^_^ You ish awesome :) But you know, You are one of those amazing person who inspires me ^_^ You are the best :3 *hugs* 

Ohhh btw, I want to pass this award to all those 153 people who are following my blog ^_^
Thank you so much for being with me. You are the only one who inspires me to write ^_^ 

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

"..If I'm lucky.."

Smile slowly fades away
And tears run down my eyes
All I need is A tight hug,
Assuring me security.
All these hues,
looks warm and pretty,
Disappearing in my own thoughts.
Scars, bruises and slit wrist reminds me,
of the past and I found myself to be a fool.
I live in a world that turns cold,
and I've a heart that is sore.
The only thing in this bitterness.
is my friends but even if
I'm with them I still feel alone and lost.
No words can describe me and my emotions,
Black is beautiful and
white is grave.
Hopes peeking through the sky
and rumours assassinating it day by day!
Life has always been harsh
to me and to the people in my life.
And now I'll shut my eyes
dream of twilight
and if I'm lucky
I'll wake up breathing over again 
to live my another chance. 

Sunday, January 2, 2011


"..Sometimes I cry just to hear you saying,
it'll be okay.."

P.S.Haha, I'm happy today. I'm feeling cute. I sang and danced (though I am bad at both) And I laughed a lot xD. Felt like crying twice but I didn't. I'll sleep early today. I smiled. I'm enjoying. I'm thinking about stuffs. 

Saturday, January 1, 2011

start of the year?

I went to bed at 5:30 am today! Yeah I was up for the whole night and I also cried  bit. Today morning, my mom started yelling at me for no reason. It was all my bro's fault. Woke up at 7:30 am again for tutions. And when I reached there, sir told me that he is not going to take any class today since it ish New year!! (Heck! I ruined my sleep and woke up only for this?) 
And when I was going back home, I met Simran, told her that there's no tution. Then we decided  to go to Aastha's place :) We were talking about stuffs but we didn't wish each other (we forgot :P) We met PPG, he didn't believe us and went but then after few mins he came back :) 
Aaaah this tooth ache ish annoying me :| And my hair ish looking lame :| I went to sleep and when I woke up, mom again started yelling! At 2:30 pm Srishti called me to ask if I want to go to Sanjay kanan for new year celebration and guess what My mom and dad didn't let me go again!! Gahhh I hate my life :| Well they think that I'm spending more time in movies and stuffs but its so not TRUE!!
 Anyways, I cried. I switched off my cell phone and later I came to know that even Srishti and Anubha didn't go! xD  

New year ^_^

Aaaah I don't know how the coming year ish going to be. Well no one knows. Umm i'll be leaving my school, my friends, my parents, my home and a lot more. I was happy earlier :D 'cause of the awesome day I had yesterday :) I got new haircut, I was high. I had chocolate pastry :D And I went to the mall and luckily got the last AIEEE's form :) I won't say that I'm not happy. I'm happy but not like the way I before. It'll be 1.1.11 in a few mins.  I was about to cry today v.v but this person on FB chat popped in!! well lets sum up some stuffs that I did in 2010:
-cried a lot.
-got the title of CRY BABY
-Joined FB, MYB and other social sites :|
-Met a lot of awesome people(includes you)
-messed up my 11th result.
-did good in 12th(still doing)
-rose as an artist :)
-I told my best friends that how much I love them and what they mean to me. :D
-Tried to start everything again with Kritika but she screwed it up v.v
-Me and Saket became close friend.. best friend actually but he screwed everything and now we are not even friends. I hate him but I miss him like hell o.o
-became the house captain of yellow house. :)
-befriended Divya and a lot of people.
-Me and Simran are soul sisters now :3
-I fought with Tunesh a lot :D BFF!! 
-oh well Finally I learnt how to make coffee(Yeah just a couple of minutes back) 
-a couple of blogger friends became my really close friends :D
-I made friends from all over the world :P
-A lot of friends on FB and real life moved from single to in a relationship :|
-Wrote more than 200 blog posts this year.
-Well its 12 so first of all HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!
-Sorry, lets start again :P umm I wrote a note on FB xD
-Maths became my fav. subject again, :)
-Bahahaha I'm crying (sorry)
-I met with accidents. 6 actually which is better than those of 2009
-Got a lot of scars v.v 
-Attempted Suicide thrice that too just in one month. (failed@all) 
-Now don't look at me like that. 
-Add me on twitter, FB, gmail where you want but if'you'll tell me about God and stuffs. I'll block you :)
-okay it started with stuffs in 2010 but its going somewhere else xD I should stop!!

Oh btw my new year resolutions for this time would be:
-less tears
-drive safely 
-less chocolates
-more study
-enjoy life
-and try not to do any sucide attempts! 

Happy new year everyone ^_^!!