I think about it a lot.

I think about the endings a lot. End of my existence to be specific. I wonder how things will be when I’m gone. How will they find it out? What will be their reaction? Who is going to cry the most? Who is going to regret the most? Are they going to remember me? How long will it take for my memories to fade away from their lives? What is their favorite memory with me? What will they miss the most about me? Will they miss me at all? Will they refer to me as the girl who was funny? Or someone who loved ice cream? Or the girl whose bluetooth device name was pizza? Or will they remember me as the girl who always looked sad but laughed till her stomach hurt? Will they remember me as the smart chick with nerdy glasses who got the highest marks in the class? Or as the girl who used to be short, chubby and not pretty at all? Will they remember me as the girl who loved to take photographs? What will they do or think about me after finding out about the suicide? Will there be rumors at my college? What will be the different theories for my suicide? Will the people I call friends, understand this? Will they forgive me? Will they regret not being able to help me?

I avoid speaking/writing about this as much as I can but sometimes I just can't. So, I'm going to write about me.. about us.. the women. The truth is the world is an unsafe place for women. No matter how old we are, what shape, size, class or color we are, we have to go through this. The sexual harassment. The more I try to run away from my past, the more it starts to haunt me back. 

Let's get straight to the point. Why is it so hard for the men not to sexually harass the women. When will it finally stop?

I know, I'm not going to be an inspiration and the harassment will not stop after writing this post. It'll be just another shout in the void. Sometimes, I wonder if men would stop doing this to us once they knew how it feels like? I don't know. Probably, not. They cannot understand this at all.

Do you know how it makes me feel? Fine. I'll tell you. It makes me wish, I was dead. It makes me want to burn my skin or peel it off because someone touched me without my consent. It makes me sad and angry and gives me another reason to be afraid of all men. I feel so intimidated that I can't even look at their face or directly into their eyes. I've been a victim several times and it feels like it's happening more these days because something happens every other day. It even happened today, a couple of hours ago when I was in the bus, coming back from an open campus drive. I'm already very intimidated by men so if I ever have to sit next to a man in the bus, I make sure that I'm sitting next to decent man but today I was wrong today. Very wrong.

The man sitting next to me, was nudging me with his elbow at the side of my stomach and at first, I just thought that may be his arm was hurting so he was trying move or stretch a bit but it kept happening. I moved away from him but it happened again and again and the nudging became rubbing(I put my arm on my side, hoping it would stop but instead it felt like he was trying to move my hand) so I had to exchange my seat with a guy who was sitting right in front of me. I didn't say ordo a single thing to that asshole and you have no idea how much I hate it. He kept looking at me and I avoided looking at him or in his direction. I wanted to hit him and shove my pen into his eyes. 

I hate it. I hate my life. I know, I shouldn't feel so and not all men are same but if things keep happening to me over and over again. how will I ever feel okay? Honestly, it becomes harder to trust a men when one of your abusers is your own family member. I don't want to live like this.. Please, I beg you, don't do this to us.

I wish things would just stop happening after this. I wish I could make a difference. But life doesn't work like that. I told one of school best friends about it and he said, "Couldn't you chose a better seat?" Now, it's my fault that the man was creepy? Great. You know, this is our society where we blame women who get harassed/abused but we refuse to teach the boys, not to do it. The men won't stop doing it and the women will continue to suffer.

I'm not a mentally strong person. I'm emotionally unstable. My days are either filled with too many highs or too many lows and sometimes I take too long to speak up. As I said before, I know it won't stop so I'm not hoping for it to stop but I'm hoping to get enough courage that I don't take too long to react.

2015

The only thing that's going to change with the year 2015 is the calendar. Nothing else. Everything and everyone will remain the same. You and I? We are going to be the same. 

I'm definitely over this.  I don't have any expectation because expectation leads to disappointment. I learned a lot of things in the past year. I learned that it's okay to let go. I learned that growing up means being true to yourself. Whatever you feel, whatever you like, accept it. But one thing I didn't learn is to like or love myself. I hate myself the most and that makes me my own bully but let's not talk about it. Maybe 2015 is going to be better or worse or just be the same as 2014. 

It was a bad year for most of us, some lost families, some lost love, some lost friends. And the saddening thing is that most number of people have died this year. I didn't think I'd make it to 2015 but I did. I made it to 2015, thanks to all the love and prayers that I received. I really want to thank them all for being in my life. I broke my ties with some people and I mended some with the others. I didn't speak to some people but I missed them. I missed some people but I didn't speak to them. I came to the realization that life is actually very very short. There's no point of grieving for too long but also there's no point of bottling up the feelings. There's no point of tearing up your wishlist for other if they don't make you happy. 

It's like when you're younger, you make up plans and you dream of big things to accomplish someday and then one day, you're 21 and you realize that the "someday" is supposed to be today but you haven't done anything yet and you already have the responsibility that you never wanted in the first place, not so soon at least. Ask yourself, have you lived your life? Have you been happy? Do you do things that make you happy or makes you feel alive? Have you fallen in love? Have you accepted your feelings for the person you actually love? When are you going to tell them that you love them? You don't have time. It's slipping out of your hands. You need to start living for yourself. You need to do what makes you happy. Just do it. Don't think too much of the consequence. That's the only way to live.

I realized this a few weeks ago and I decided to live my life as much as I can but I won't run away from my responsibilities for that. Hopefully I'll continue living like this in the next year and hopefully I'll grow. I really pray 2015 doesn't disappoint the ones who are expecting something from it.

Scared

I'm scared of how happy I feel these days.

I'm scared how the feeling of being okay seems so new to me.

I'm scared to make new attachments.

I'm scared that it'll get bad again soon.

I'm just scared and it's absurd,

Because it's all I ever wanted,

And now when I finally seem to have it,

It's scaring me to death.

I wonder if the situations have changed at all. I wonder if I am the only one who has changed. I still don't have "friends" but I can still hang out alone in the campus and try to fit in with others. Sometimes, I wonder if people notice it and what do they think of. To be honest, I don't think about it just "sometimes", I think about it all the time. 
I am jealous because I don't have friends who call up to ask me how I am when I'm sick. I'm jealous because I don't have friends who ask me if I want to go to the cafeteria building for lunch. I'm jealous because no one asks me if I'd like to go the mall or for a movie. I'm jealous because no one pulls my leg anymore. 
I think I embarrass people with my looks or quiet not so appealing/fun personality. But at the same time I'm surprised how so many people know my name and know what I'm good at. 
I don't get mad at "small things" not unless you insult me. I hate when people say that I get offended easily. A few people are kind of scared of me like they think that I'd hit them or shout at them, something like that, you know? But I've never been that kind of person. I think I probably look angry as well.. not just stressed and depressed.  
I need to stop looking for affection already but I don't know how to stop. I'm not anyone's priority and that hurts way too much. And I want to stop breathing to stop that pain.  

"How do I tell you.."

So, it's another bad night,
But you won't understand.
The absurd thoughts of day, 
Are finally making sense.

Words are more sincere, 
When my loved ones are asleep.
I wish I could explain the way my bones ache, 
A wish to end it all is running in my veins.

How do I tell you that I can't think of anything else?
How do I tell you that I'm so tired of being overwhelmed?
How do I tell you that I'm so tired and I want to sleep?
How do I tell you that I want to sleep but I don't want to wake up?
How do I tell you that I hate having to wake up and go through this again?
How do I tell you that I hate not being able to conceal the sadness of my face?

A beautiful friend

When you're a teenager, every little crisis feels like the end of the world. You don't feel like existing anymore. Life seems so twisted and we keep making terrible decisions. It happens to everyone.

Embarrassed?

'I don't wanna live anymore.'

Fought with best friend?

'The world can stop spinning now.'

Parents don't understand?

'Why did they even brought me in this world?'

Crush has a crush on a terrible person?

'Why does it always happen to me?'

When you're a teenager, you feel like the only person who understands is your friend. I felt the same. Actually I didn't but I always had friends who cared a lot for me. Like seriously a lot. And it felt good to know that there were people who made you happy and who made you forget all your worries. I had people who'd do anything to make me feel happy again and that included cussing their crush because they hurt me and attending my birthday party even when they have a sick mum at home who had a minor operation two days ago. I was blessed to have friends like them. I know that not everyone has friends. 

Exactly five years ago, on September 18th, one of my best friends took her last breath on her death bed. She tried to kill herself, she was in hospital for around 20 days. She had major burn injuries. She was recovering but something happened and she couldn't take the pain anymore. I still remember every single detail of the day. How I got the terrible news of her suicide attempt and the day when our Chemistry teacher told us in our Morning tution that she couldn't make it. I remember wishing it was a terrible joke or rumor. I remember calling up my other friends and telling her about our dead friend. I remember trying to cry in the shower but I couldn't cry. I didn't cry until the principal started talking about her. I think I cried all day long. 

For a long time, I felt guilty for not telling her how much she meant to me. I felt guilty for not visiting her in the hospital. I felt guilty for not making it to the funeral. I was also amazed how everyone else was "normal" again. As if she never existed in our lives but I think we still did talk about her. We even saw her in our dreams sometimes and we'd talk about it the next day in school. I wonder if anyone still remembers this day. Maybe not. 

I always write about her on this day. I don't know why. I think because she was like a lucky charm for me or may be because when I found about tumor(it was a misdiagnose), she said "hey, you're going to live long. I hope God gives you all of my days". She said that a week before her suicide attempt. She had the most beautiful smile. She was strong and crazy and stupid.

I miss my beautiful friend. Her death did change me and my life. I didn't have my lucky charm and I suddenly started to lose my other friends, got more depressed, performed poorly in exams, argued with family, blamed myself for her death and what not. Like I said in the very beginning of this post, when you're a teenager, every little crisis feels like the end of the world. But this wasn't any little crisis. I lost a friend and she was never coming back. 

I try to save as many lives as I can. I know what depression is, I know what it feels like when you want to die. I want people to know that they are important and that I love them. I make sure that they know that I love them. If you read me, if you think of me, if you've ever made me smile, if you've ever helped me, I love you. Thank you for existing. Please don't kill yourself. Things will get better for you. If it didn't get better, you'll at least have enough strength to deal with it. 

You wake up every morning because you have to.

It's just one of those nights, 

where you just want to break down. 

You're so tired of the falls and failures.

You want to talk but feel too exhausted to speak.

You just want to sleep and never wake up. 

Maybe sleeping for 365 days straight would help, 

getting over this feeling? 

When was the last time you shared, 

something really personal with someone you trust? 

You stand still while your relations get covered, 

by a layer of dust.

Maybe the reason why you didn't share, 

the recent bad experience with people is because, 

you're afraid that they'd leave you as well. 

Maybe you're just sick of seeing everyone leave. 

Quite perceptible that it kills you. 

The anger burns you.

And your fears paralyse you.

Yet, you wake up every morning because you have to.

Labyrinth of suffering

The night makes her vulnerable,

And the smile refuses to fool other people.

All of her broken pieces glued together start to fall apart,

And the paralyzing pain start to stab the heart.

The secrets get ready to spill out of her eyes,

As she starts to paste a story full of sweet lies.

Some nights, she laughs too much and then starts to cry.

The fears crawl up and she questions "why?"

She'd like to live but she'd also like die for sure;

Apparently, she's not sure of what she craves more.

As this absurd thought escapes the darkest corner of her mind,

She instantly goes blind.

People who believe that she's blessed,

Certainly have no idea that she's full of self hatred.

She's struggling between the thought of wanting, 

Someone to hold her and tell her that it's alright.

And the thought of putting an end to this labyrinth of suffering,

Right here tonight.

A voice is screaming in her head,

Struggling to break free, 

and get lost in the air.

It's once again, 

hard to figure out,

whether it's pain or fear.

Eyes are tired, 

of holding back the tears,

that've been trapped, 

with all the unhealthy emotions.

Overwhelmed by her own feelings,

She wishes to escape to a place,

and feel numb again.

Digging her nails,

into her own skin,

She's hoping for the physical pain, 

to overcome the emotional pain.

It's starting to get bad again,

She's falling into the darkest hole,

that's been created in her own head.

Left like nothing ever existed

You told me that 
you'd help,
but you walked away.
You told me that 
you cared,
but you didn't even 
look my way.
You told me that 
you'd be there,
But you weren't.
You told me that 
you'd be a friend,
but abandoned.
You told me that 
you'd never leave
but you did.
You told me that 
you weren't the same
but you were.
You did everything 
that you told me,
you wouldn't do.
And you were everything 
that you told me,
you were not.

You lied,
You stole my secrets.
You made me believe 
That you were different
And left 
Like nothing 
Ever existed.

Trust

Trust is a fragile thing.
Keep it all to yourself.
Don't say anything.
Don't trust anyone.
Don't open up and
Invest yourself.
You get hurt only when,
You invest yourself.
When you trust someone,
And invest yourself,
You give away,
A part of yourself.
They take that part of you,
And forget about it.
Sometimes they burn it,
Down to ashes.
Sometimes they throw it,
On the ground,
Crush it into,
Thousand tiny pieces,
And walk over it,
Like nothing ever existed.

What I don't want

I don't want another "No"

I don't want another,

"I don't want to talk to you"

I don't want another,

"You are too nice"

I don't want another,

"You are too sweet"

I don't want another,

"You are too far away"

But this is exactly what I don't want.

It's another "You are too far away"

It's another "You are too sweet"

It's another "You are too nice"

It's another "I don't want to talk to you"

Yes, it's just another "No"

Those three nights

I've been thinking about,

the last three nights that

I spent with you, singing, smiling

and listening to your lovely voice.

The songs that you sang to me

are still stuck in my head.

I think about it every night

while I lay awake in my bed.

I've caught myself smiling while thinking

about those three nights.

But I'm afraid to tell you,

how beautiful those three nights were.

I'm afraid to tell you,

I won't mind staying up all night

to see your face again.

I'm afraid and that's all.

I want to suppress my feelings 

and try to keep a distance,

so you don't hurt me like everyone else

in any way.

Dammit. I have to keep myself occupied

and forget those three nights.

Last Notes!

Letter #1

Dear Mum and Dad,

I’m sorry I am dead. I’m sorry I couldn’t make you happy and proud before dying. Today when you left, I found out your son has been filming me secretly. I don’t know for how long he had been doing that. I found five videos of me sleeping, on his laptop. He may have also filmed me while I was changing my clothes. I couldn't find more videos. His laptop’s camera was on and it was facing my bed when I decided to check his laptop to see if he was spying on me again and yes he was. He has done that before too. He had taken my half naked pictures before. I wish you had done something when I told you that he used to grope me in my sleep. That happened for a year and now this. I don’t know what to do. I don't even feel like a person anymore. I just feel like a cheap sex toy. First molestation, then taking my inappropriate pictures and now secretly filming me while I sleep. The only thing that is left is finding those pictures and videos on the internet in a porn site. I know, you love your son but he makes me sick. I was thinking of forgiving him and moving on but I cannot. I cannot live in the same room with him. I deleted the videos. I think he has more of it but I can’t find them. He has given me a wound that doesn't heal and a scar that's gonna remain forever if I stayed alive. I’m sorry that this is all in English but I suck at speaking/writing Hindi. I love you both a lot. Please know that. And I’m sorry I’m being selfish but I want to bleed out right now.

------------------------------------------------

Letter #2

Dear Diyanah,

I hope you're alright babe. I hope you get enough strength to face the problems. I hope you find someone who gives you unconditional love. Someone who makes you feel beautiful. I don't have much to say. Thanks for being there for me and listening to all of my rants. I'm sorry I'm leaving. I still remember the last words that you said to me. You are beautiful and you deserve better. I want you to get better and live. I love you. 

--------------------------------------------------

Letter #3

Dear Marko,

There's this huge conversation gap between us and I didn't get enough time to fix it. I actually felt tired all the time and I couldn't do that. I caused you a lot of troubles when we were closer. I hope you get to move out and live your dreams. I'm probably dead by now. Please don't do this to yourself as well, okay? It will get better. Take care of Raed and yourself of course. I love you. 

---------------------------------------------------

Letter #4

Dear Tony,

I'm sorry about my messy head. I never got a chance to apologize nicely. You are a great person. You did make an impact in my life. And dude, for one last time, I need you to know that I'm not in parasocial relationship with you. I did have a crush on you but I don't even think about you anymore. More than being your lover, I wanted to be your friend. Thanks for making me feel better in my bad days. I hope you find love. Don't kill yourself. I love you.

-----------------------------------------------------

Letter #5

Dear Juan,

Goddammit you said you'd post a new selfie! You haven't yet. And now I'm dead. Bummer. I'm pretty sure you're a 50 year old man! :O Nah, just Kidding. I am sorry I didn't tell you a lot of things. I didn't want to scare you away I guess. Apparently, I'm one of those suicidal freaks, huh? Miss me, Juan. I love you. Fix your sleeping schedule mister! xD

-------------------------------------------------------

Letter #6

Dear Meraz,

Sorry. I should have told you. I don't know what greatness you see in me. I'm thankful for having a friend like you. Thanks for saving me. Thanks for being there. I don't want to saved this time. I'm ending this. I love you. I hope you have a great life. I hope you get to marry the girl you love. She's so lucky to have you. Tell her, I love her too.

-------------------------------------------------

Letter #7

Dear Sunakshi di, Aditi, Adeeba, Ayushi, Laddoo and Nida,

I miss talking to you guys but I don't really come forward and talk to you because I really cannot and I don't know what to say anymore. You guys have always been there to support me. You all are such strong women. I cannot thank you all enough. I think you'd understand why I did this. I love you guys. Hope you all have great lives.

---------------------------------------------------

Letter #8

Dear Minhaz,

I didn't think we'd turn into such good friends. Well I really hope you did think of me as a good friend and you weren't using me. It felt good to know that someone cared. Miss me, Minhaj. Miss me. You're an awesome person. Stay that way. I guess you and others from the class now know the reason that has kept me sad. And why I didn't care about what my brother did. Good luck for the upcoming exams. Love ya and others.

-----------------------------------------------------

Letter #9

Dear Sir,

You know who you are and that's why I'm not mentioning your name. I'm not sure if you'd like it or not and that's why I'm not mentioning it here. It's always been great talking to you. I love how we could talk for hours about anything and everything. From college rantings to pursuing our dreams. I never told you about my problems but you somehow managed to drift my mind and also showed me the right path. I guess I am not going to be a writer and you won't be clicking my picture since I'm ending my journey before even starting it. I have respected you a lot. You are a great person and only a few people realize that. I hope you get live your dreams. Please take care of yourself.

----------------------------------------------------------

Letter #10

Dear Jesse,

Ah dude, we just started talking again this is how it is ending. Damn, we couldn't even skype. I know you have a hard life too. I hope it becomes a little easier. I really don't have a lot to say. We kind of have similar views on life and other things. I'm glad to meet and know someone like you before dying. You are the last person to make me feel so happy. Thanks for that. May be we'll meet in another life and do all the things that we planned to do in this life.  BYE AMERICAN BEST FRIEND. I LOVE YOU.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Letter #11

Dear Abhishek dada,

Uh I screwed it up huh. I have been feeling terribly since the day I called out on you on my blog. You did know what he did to me and that's when you told me that you'd be my brother and protect me. I do respect you a lot and I love you a lot. I just screw it up sometimes. I wish we talked more. You are a great brother and an amazing kind human. I hope you become super successful in life. Thanks for making me happy dada. Wish I could meet you and have the "real" and good sibling experience. And like I promised you long ago, I would have bought you a watch.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Letter #12

Dear Raed,

Don't frown or get pissed off because I wrote your letter last. Dude, I was trying to save the best for the last. I talk to you so much and it's still not enough for me. And wish you could just see how hard it is for me. One of the saddest thing in my life is that you don't understand me or life. I don't tell people anything about my anxiety or depression and bad life and they think I overreact. I tell you everything and you think just like them. I don't take depression as an excuse for my actions but you were supposed to understand. I know you will probably think that I overreacted and exaggerated this. And suicide is a terrible excuse for what my brother did to me. But it's not just that. You are supposed to know that DAMMIT! You were supposed to give me strength rather than calling me weak and coward. I won't be troubling you anymore. Yay Shgt is dying!

-------------------------------------------------------------

Letter #13

Dear Everyone else,

Thank you so much if you have ever made me smile or have just stayed in my life while I was going through bad phase. Thanks a lot. Thanks for being there for me and supporting me. Thanks for making me feel loved. You all are great. I hope you guys get to see happy days. Forgive me for all the lame, pathetic stuffs I did. I love you guys a lot. I really do.

---------------------------------------------------------------

P.S. I'm alive. I'm not dead. Sorry for giving you a minor  heart attack there. I started typing this out with an intention to post it on my blog as a suicide note. I was going to kill myself. I had a good opportunity since my parents were out of town and I was alone and my brother wasn't here either. I don't regret typing it out and posting it on my blog because it just made me feel a little better and hopefully I won't die tonight. I was definitely trying to kill myself by making deeper cuts on my skin. But none of them were deep enough to bleed me out. I'm also sorry for mentioning/not mentioning your names. Please don't try to help me by asking a social worker or psychiatrist to see/read this. Things will get better. I know that. If you know me in person then don't give me "I'm sorry, Shriti" look. Also try not to ever mention this at college or to anyone who hasn't read it yet.

The problem with me

The problem with me is that

I keep asking too many questions,

And I keep looking for the reasons.

"Don't you know that I miss you?"

"Why did you leave me?"

"Why did you stop talking to me?"

"Why did you choose someone else over me?"

"What was it?"

"Was it something that I did?"

Or may be the problem with me is that

I blame it all on myself.

"I am too ugly."

"I am too clingy."

"I care too much."

"I am so annoying."

No wait,

May be the problem with me is that

I still think you care.

I still think you're a nice person

I still think you miss me.

I still think those words cannot be a lie.

And those actions cannot be just pretense.

You must have felt something inside your heart, at least once?

What am I saying?

It cannot be that.

No, not at all.

The only problem with me is that,

I just expect too much.

Mother, Father..

Oh, hey there father,

And hello mother.

Sorry to show up so late at night,

But I heard you two had another fight?

Well, it's nothing new,

You have done that before too.

You two are pretty good at bouncing back to "normal" though,

But let's not forget that it's been more than twenty years now.

Well, dear father,

Do you know where's your daughter?

And dear mother,

Didn't you know she has been painting her skin red with that razor?

Why didn't you try to know?

Can't you see she has been feeling low?

When will this end?

She doesn't even have a friend.

You wanted her to live life, the way you wanted,

Thanks to you she has always been taken for granted.

But it's okay, you can carry on your fight,

She is strong and hopefully she won't kill herself tonight.

Maybe

Maybe everyone does it fine.

Maybe everyone takes out time,

To make a stranger smile;

Every once in a while.

Maybe it's nothing special to be like the moon or the sun.

Maybe it's no big deal to try to fix a person,

Even when you can't fix yourself;

And constantly feel like an old unread book on the shelf.

Maybe I'm not the only one who survived.

Maybe being sleep deprived,

Has nothing to do with being bitter.

Maybe next time, I'll do it better.

I don't know where to start from. Life is so weird. Life is dominating. You have to keep your ego aside and do what life wants you to do. Things change, people leave and memories fade away. There's no doubt that I'm stressed and depressed and no matter how much I try to hide, it's still there on my face. I don't know why I want almost everything perfect. I don't know why I fear failure so much. I don't know why I love my parents so much. I don't know why I step back from doing things that I want to just because it'll hurt my parents.

I'm 20 now, why can't I make my own decisions? Why do I need to think about them? I want to break free. I'm so different from my parents. It makes me wonder if I was adopted or something. It's not the first time that these kind of thoughts are crossing my mind. I wonder if I'll ever be happy. I hope it's not too late by then.

I'm in my 3rd year of engineering and have I really enjoyed my college life or did something really crazy or something that's worth remembering? No, I haven't yet. I hope, I do soon.

If I'm not going to live my dreams then I want to live at least one day on my own.. like I really really want to be happy without being worried about anything. No phone calls, no texts, no rush of going back home. Nothing. Just me and the things I want to enjoy.

Well if you're going to continue reading this post then I'm really sorry, this will get random and really long. I haven't talked to a lot of my close friends in a while. I tried to talk to some but they don't even have time to reply. May be they have more important things to do. I'm constantly being ignored by the people I care about the most. People say, never be in a friendship(or any other kind of relationship) that hurts and that makes you feel bad about yourself. But what do you do when it's the friendship that also gives you the strength to fight against the odds? I was in one such dilemma for a long time and I chose the friend, I chose our friendship.

I kind of realized that I do make a couple of people happy even though they live miles away from where I live. Well I'm not sure if I do because they could be just saying it but I still hope that I do and they really mean it when they say it.. I fall in love with words, pictures, things and people easily but I also hate them and that's probably my biggest issue.

I'm not a good looking person. Of course I do look good in my "selfies" but trust me you would hate me if you saw me in person. Now, that pretty much gives you the idea that I hate my appearance. Yes, I do. I have hated it since I was 10 but I started hating it more after I turned 16, when one of my "best friends" was too ashamed to host the Teachers' day event with me. You know, it doesn't matter what the entire world thinks about you but it matters when your friend or parents are ashamed of your appearance or call you "fat" or give you any other kind of names. It's been almost 4 years but that thing still stings. Aparently, that thing never stopped. I forgave them. School ended. Best friends left. We are now in college and we have new friends but even these friends do the same thing. It kind of sucks more when unexpected people/friends do so but you really can't react or tell them that you felt bad because they are not wrong. You are ugly, you are fat and you are insecure.

If you're fat, people will definitely pass a comment on you while you eat.

"Stop eating fatty, you'll explode"

"Hey fatty, don't eat the whole thing, leave something for other people"

"I think the entire cafeteria's food will be less for you"

It's basically like, if you're fat and you're eating in public, it's a sin.. well not just that actually, 'cause even if you don't eat, people will say something again-

"Are you on diet or something? If yes then it's good. You should lose some weight and may be then someone will love you"

And when you react to such comment by leaving or staying quiet or frowning.. the reaction you will get is,

"Hey, don't get mad. I even call my sister 'fat' and she is not fat actually. I call everyone 'fat'"

"Don't be mad at me, please? I consider you a very good friend that's why I mess around with you.."

There was a time when I was so overly depressed with these comments that I started skipping my meals and also my favorite food for months. I don't remember. I still get these comments more than once in my day.. It sucks when "fatty" or "fatso" becomes your new name. I try to overlook and forget it but I can't completely. I do want it to affect me sometimes so that I start skipping meals again.

I know a lot of people will read this. Even people from my college but not my friends and no one will ever know how it feels. How much it makes me hate myself more.

I think, I sort of started liking myself a bit when I met this guy in a public bus who liked me the way I was. I haven't seen him in a while. It's been more than a month. I don't want to befriend him or maybe I do but he seems like a buttonhead jerk to me so nah. But I do miss seeing him. 

I actually wanted to write about a lot of other things but now it's just something that idek.

Can I stand close to death?

You won't like to know what I think,

You won't like to know what's inside,

You won't like to know the stories behind the scars, 

You won't like to know what I wish on the shooting stars.

Brutally and slowly, the sadness and emptiness is consuming me,

I'm so good at hiding it that no one can see.

People love you only if you're pretty or dying;

I know I can never ever be pretty.

Can I stand close to death?

And have my share of love and care?