Monday, March 31, 2014


Trust is a fragile thing.
Keep it all to yourself.
Don't say anything.
Don't trust anyone.
Don't open up and
Invest yourself.
You get hurt only when,
You invest yourself.
When you trust someone,
And invest yourself,
You give away,
A part of yourself.
They take that part of you,
And forget about it.
Sometimes they burn it,
Down to ashes.
Sometimes they throw it,
On the ground,
Crush it into,
Thousand tiny pieces,
And walk over it,
Like nothing ever existed.

Saturday, March 29, 2014


"Wow, you're really paranoid"
Is the only line from last night's 
Conversation that is stuck in her head 
And is repeating itself 
Over and over again.
She almost kicked down her walls;
Almost made herself vulnerable;
Almost forgot her plan;
It's such a shame, 
She almost made it happen.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

What I don't want

I don't want another "No"
I don't want another,
"I don't want to talk to you"
I don't want another,
"You are too nice"
I don't want another,
"You are too sweet"
I don't want another,
"You are too far away"
But this is exactly what I don't want.
It's another "You are too far away"
It's another "You are too sweet"
It's another "You are too nice"
It's another "I don't want to talk to you"
Yes, it's just another "No"

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Those three nights

I've been thinking about,
the last three nights that
I spent with you, singing, smiling
and listening to your lovely voice.
The songs that you sang to me
are still stuck in my head.
I think about it every night
while I lay awake in my bed.
I've caught myself smiling while thinking
about those three nights.
But I'm afraid to tell you,
how beautiful those three nights were.
I'm afraid to tell you,
I won't mind staying up all night
to see your face again.
I'm afraid and that's all.
I want to suppress my feelings 
and try to keep a distance,
so you don't hurt me like everyone else
in any way.
Dammit. I have to keep myself occupied
and forget those three nights.

Monday, March 24, 2014

A new day is still waiting

Secrets are to be shared, 
Wishes are to be made; 
A new day is still waiting, 
So how can I keep myself from breathing?

Saturday, March 22, 2014


Sometimes, I want to be lost,
And don’t want to be found.
Sometimes, I don’t want to
belong anywhere.
Sometimes, I want to escape,
To a faraway place,
And make it my new home.
Sometimes, I wish,
I was just on my own.
Sometimes, I want to stand,
In the middle of the highway,
And get hit by a truck.
Sometimes, I wonder, 
How do I tell my loved ones that-
Sometimes, I want to be lost,
And don’t want to be found.

Friday, March 21, 2014

Black and White.

I was supposed to be moving towards the light,
And be like the color, "white".
I was supposed to take in the different shades of life,
And throw away the knife.
But now I'm being pulled by the darkness,
And caught up in life's unavoidable mess.
I'm making cuts on my skin,
And desperately trying to hold back the tears and fake a grin.
When I woke up again today with a massive headache,
I could see everything getting painted black.
I counted the cuts that I made yesterday,
They're twenty-seven but I'm okay.
Apparently none of the cuts were deep enough to paint my skin red
None of them could bleed me out on my parent's bed.

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Last Notes!

Letter #1

Dear Mum and Dad,
I’m sorry I am dead. I’m sorry I couldn’t make you happy and proud before dying. Today when you left, I found out your son has been filming me secretly. I don’t know for how long he had been doing that. I found five videos of me sleeping, on his laptop. He may have also filmed me while I was changing my clothes. I couldn't find more videos. His laptop’s camera was on and it was facing my bed when I decided to check his laptop to see if he was spying on me again and yes he was. He has done that before too. He had taken my half naked pictures before. I wish you had done something when I told you that he used to grope me in my sleep. That happened for a year and now this. I don’t know what to do. I don't even feel like a person anymore. I just feel like a cheap sex toy. First molestation, then taking my inappropriate pictures and now secretly filming me while I sleep. The only thing that is left is finding those pictures and videos on the internet in a porn site. I know, you love your son but he makes me sick. I was thinking of forgiving him and moving on but I cannot. I cannot live in the same room with him. I deleted the videos. I think he has more of it but I can’t find them. He has given me a wound that doesn't heal and a scar that's gonna remain forever if I stayed alive. I’m sorry that this is all in English but I suck at speaking/writing Hindi. I love you both a lot. Please know that. And I’m sorry I’m being selfish but I want to bleed out right now.

Letter #2

Dear Diyanah,
I hope you're alright babe. I hope you get enough strength to face the problems. I hope you find someone who gives you unconditional love. Someone who makes you feel beautiful. I don't have much to say. Thanks for being there for me and listening to all of my rants. I'm sorry I'm leaving. I still remember the last words that you said to me. You are beautiful and you deserve better. I want you to get better and live. I love you. 

Letter #3

Dear Marko,
There's this huge conversation gap between us and I didn't get enough time to fix it. I actually felt tired all the time and I couldn't do that. I caused you a lot of troubles when we were closer. I hope you get to move out and live your dreams. I'm probably dead by now. Please don't do this to yourself as well, okay? It will get better. Take care of Raed and yourself of course. I love you. 

Letter #4

Dear Tony,
I'm sorry about my messy head. I never got a chance to apologize nicely. You are a great person. You did make an impact in my life. And dude, for one last time, I need you to know that I'm not in parasocial relationship with you. I did have a crush on you but I don't even think about you anymore. More than being your lover, I wanted to be your friend. Thanks for making me feel better in my bad days. I hope you find love. Don't kill yourself. I love you.

Letter #5

Dear Juan,
Goddammit you said you'd post a new selfie! You haven't yet. And now I'm dead. Bummer. I'm pretty sure you're a 50 year old man! :O Nah, just Kidding. I am sorry I didn't tell you a lot of things. I didn't want to scare you away I guess. Apparently, I'm one of those suicidal freaks, huh? Miss me, Juan. I love you. Fix your sleeping schedule mister! xD

Letter #6

Dear Meraz,
Sorry. I should have told you. I don't know what greatness you see in me. I'm thankful for having a friend like you. Thanks for saving me. Thanks for being there. I don't want to saved this time. I'm ending this. I love you. I hope you have a great life. I hope you get to marry the girl you love. She's so lucky to have you. Tell her, I love her too.

Letter #7

Dear Sunakshi di, Aditi, Adeeba, Ayushi, Laddoo and Nida,
I miss talking to you guys but I don't really come forward and talk to you because I really cannot and I don't know what to say anymore. You guys have always been there to support me. You all are such strong women. I cannot thank you all enough. I think you'd understand why I did this. I love you guys. Hope you all have great lives.

Letter #8

Dear Minhaz,
I didn't think we'd turn into such good friends. Well I really hope you did think of me as a good friend and you weren't using me. It felt good to know that someone cared. Miss me, Minhaj. Miss me. You're an awesome person. Stay that way. I guess you and others from the class now know the reason that has kept me sad. And why I didn't care about what my brother did. Good luck for the upcoming exams. Love ya and others.

Letter #9

Dear Sir,
You know who you are and that's why I'm not mentioning your name. I'm not sure if you'd like it or not and that's why I'm not mentioning it here. It's always been great talking to you. I love how we could talk for hours about anything and everything. From college rantings to pursuing our dreams. I never told you about my problems but you somehow managed to drift my mind and also showed me the right path. I guess I am not going to be a writer and you won't be clicking my picture since I'm ending my journey before even starting it. I have respected you a lot. You are a great person and only a few people realize that. I hope you get live your dreams. Please take care of yourself.

Letter #10

Dear Jesse,
Ah dude, we just started talking again this is how it is ending. Damn, we couldn't even skype. I know you have a hard life too. I hope it becomes a little easier. I really don't have a lot to say. We kind of have similar views on life and other things. I'm glad to meet and know someone like you before dying. You are the last person to make me feel so happy. Thanks for that. May be we'll meet in another life and do all the things that we planned to do in this life.  BYE AMERICAN BEST FRIEND. I LOVE YOU.

Letter #11

Dear Abhishek dada,

Uh I screwed it up huh. I have been feeling terribly since the day I called out on you on my blog. You did know what he did to me and that's when you told me that you'd be my brother and protect me. I do respect you a lot and I love you a lot. I just screw it up sometimes. I wish we talked more. You are a great brother and an amazing kind human. I hope you become super successful in life. Thanks for making me happy dada. Wish I could meet you and have the "real" and good sibling experience. And like I promised you long ago, I would have bought you a watch.


Letter #12

Dear Raed,
Don't frown or get pissed off because I wrote your letter last. Dude, I was trying to save the best for the last. I talk to you so much and it's still not enough for me. And wish you could just see how hard it is for me. One of the saddest thing in my life is that you don't understand me or life. I don't tell people anything about my anxiety or depression and bad life and they think I overreact. I tell you everything and you think just like them. I don't take depression as an excuse for my actions but you were supposed to understand. I know you will probably think that I overreacted and exaggerated this. And suicide is a terrible excuse for what my brother did to me. But it's not just that. You are supposed to know that DAMMIT! You were supposed to give me strength rather than calling me weak and coward. I won't be troubling you anymore. Yay Shgt is dying!

Letter #13

Dear Everyone else,
Thank you so much if you have ever made me smile or have just stayed in my life while I was going through bad phase. Thanks a lot. Thanks for being there for me and supporting me. Thanks for making me feel loved. You all are great. I hope you guys get to see happy days. Forgive me for all the lame, pathetic stuffs I did. I love you guys a lot. I really do.

P.S. I'm alive. I'm not dead. Sorry for giving you a minor  heart attack there. I started typing this out with an intention to post it on my blog as a suicide note. I was going to kill myself. I had a good opportunity since my parents were out of town and I was alone and my brother wasn't here either. I don't regret typing it out and posting it on my blog because it just made me feel a little better and hopefully I won't die tonight. I was definitely trying to kill myself by making deeper cuts on my skin. But none of them were deep enough to bleed me out. I'm also sorry for mentioning/not mentioning your names. Please don't try to help me by asking a social worker or psychiatrist to see/read this. Things will get better. I know that. If you know me in person then don't give me "I'm sorry, Shriti" look. Also try not to ever mention this at college or to anyone who hasn't read it yet.

Friday, March 14, 2014

As ridculous and crazy as it sounds

As ridiculous and crazy as it sounds,
I have a weird obsession with sadness.
Black is my color;
Scars are my sign;
Honest are my words,
and silly is my mind.

I don't know where was I going with these thoughts,
and subconsciously untying several knots.
Where am I?
My life is a lie.
What brought me here?
Maybe I am missing someone who is dear.
Who gave me this pen?
I wasn't so miserable back then.
My fate has been tossed,
and I think I'm lost.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

I'm gonna publish this thing that I wrote two nights back while fighting back my tears. I'm not really sad. And even if I'm sad, I feel okay with it. I feel okay with most of the things and that makes me wonder if I'm getting back to a normal person who doesn't overthink and screws everything up or I'm just suppressing my emotions again. I have done that before I think and I just exploded. I'm afraid it is going to happen again. I'm not sure when will I write next or whether I'll be able to type it all because it has been pretty hard for me to communicate or just speak of what I feel or think. A couple of great life events is going to happen this month. Probably this week or next.  So here it is.


Someone do me a favor,
hold my shaky hands
while I try to make a vertical cut,
on my wrist with an old, rusty razor.


Someone do me a favor,
hold on to my words,
and help me continue when my hands are frozen,
while I try to pour out my last thoughts on a piece of paper.


Someone do me a favor,
hold me close in your arms,
tell me "Everything will be alright"
while I close my eyes for one last time,
and drift off to a faraway place. 


Miss me when I'm gone.
Miss me for the good things I've done.
Miss me, please miss me.
Forgive me and forget all the troubles that I caused.
Miss me for the love that I've always tried to share.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

It's funny how quickly things change.
It hasn't even been 24 hours and 
I'm already starting to lose hope and vision.
You weren't on mind till last night,
but now, I'm starting to see,
the traces of the words,
that blew holes on my skin.
You're in my system,
slowly consuming me from the inside.
Accept my felicitations,
for you're now playing a vital role,
in causing the end of my worthless life.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

What do I say?

It's neither black nor white,
it's a shade of grey for the first time.
What do I say? 
I finally feel okay knowing,
it takes some time to fix the broken,
and there's nothing wrong in idly greeting the oblivion.

There's literally nothing much to say,
while I'm still looking for a way.
What do I say? 
I have a pocketful of flowery dreams,
that matches the different shades of hues,
amidst my weary blues.

People change like weather,
And the dust dances against its nature.
What do I say? 
It's not what I desired but,
There's something about this moment tonight,
that tell's me, "We are going to be alright"

It's neither good nor bad,
It's something that doesn't make me upset.
What do I say?
My head sometimes feel heavier,
and honestly, it's like I have given up,
but sometimes I wonder if this is how you feel when you have grown up.

Sunday, March 2, 2014

I feel alive

I feel alive when my head feels heavy
And eyelids heavier.
I feel alive when I am scared to death,
And my lungs are fighting to get some air.