Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Mother, Father..

Oh, hey there father,
And hello mother.
Sorry to show up so late at night,
But I heard you two had another fight?
Well, it's nothing new,
You have done that before too.
You two are pretty good at bouncing back to "normal" though,
But let's not forget that it's been more than twenty years now.
Well, dear father,
Do you know where's your daughter?
And dear mother,
Didn't you know she has been painting her skin red with that razor?
Why didn't you try to know?
Can't you see she has been feeling low?
When will this end?
She doesn't even have a friend.
You wanted her to live life, the way you wanted,
Thanks to you she has always been taken for granted.
But it's okay, you can carry on your fight,
She is strong and hopefully she won't kill herself tonight.


Sunday, December 15, 2013

Maybe

Maybe everyone does it fine.
Maybe everyone takes out time,
To make a stranger smile;
Every once in a while.

Maybe it's nothing special to be like the moon or the sun.
Maybe it's no big deal to try to fix a person,
Even when you can't fix yourself;
And constantly feel like an old unread book on the shelf.

Maybe I'm not the only one who survived.
Maybe being sleep deprived,
Has nothing to do with being bitter.
Maybe next time, I'll do it better.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

I don't know where to start from. Life is so weird. Life is dominating. You have to keep your ego aside and do what life wants you to do. Things change, people leave and memories fade away. There's no doubt that I'm stressed and depressed and no matter how much I try to hide, it's still there on my face. I don't know why I want almost everything perfect. I don't know why I fear failure so much. I don't know why I love my parents so much. I don't know why I step back from doing things that I want to just because it'll hurt my parents.
I'm 20 now, why can't I make my own decisions? Why do I need to think about them? I want to break free. I'm so different from my parents. It makes me wonder if I was adopted or something. It's not the first time that these kind of thoughts are crossing my mind. I wonder if I'll ever be happy. I hope it's not too late by then.
I'm in my 3rd year of engineering and have I really enjoyed my college life or did something really crazy or something that's worth remembering? No, I haven't yet. I hope, I do soon.
If I'm not going to live my dreams then I want to live at least one day on my own.. like I really really want to be happy without being worried about anything. No phone calls, no texts, no rush of going back home. Nothing. Just me and the things I want to enjoy.

Well if you're going to continue reading this post then I'm really sorry, this will get random and really long. I haven't talked to a lot of my close friends in a while. I tried to talk to some but they don't even have time to reply. May be they have more important things to do. I'm constantly being ignored by the people I care about the most. People say, never be in a friendship(or any other kind of relationship) that hurts and that makes you feel bad about yourself. But what do you do when it's the friendship that also gives you the strength to fight against the odds? I was in one such dilemma for a long time and I chose the friend, I chose our friendship.

I kind of realized that I do make a couple of people happy even though they live miles away from where I live. Well I'm not sure if I do because they could be just saying it but I still hope that I do and they really mean it when they say it.. I fall in love with words, pictures, things and people easily but I also hate them and that's probably my biggest issue.

I'm not a good looking person. Of course I do look good in my "selfies" but trust me you would hate me if you saw me in person. Now, that pretty much gives you the idea that I hate my appearance. Yes, I do. I have hated it since I was 10 but I started hating it more after I turned 16, when one of my "best friends" was too ashamed to host the Teachers' day event with me. You know, it doesn't matter what the entire world thinks about you but it matters when your friend or parents are ashamed of your appearance or call you "fat" or give you any other kind of names. It's been almost 4 years but that thing still stings. Aparently, that thing never stopped. I forgave them. School ended. Best friends left. We are now in college and we have new friends but even these friends do the same thing. It kind of sucks more when unexpected people/friends do so but you really can't react or tell them that you felt bad because they are not wrong. You are ugly, you are fat and you are insecure.
If you're fat, people will definitely pass a comment on you while you eat.

"Stop eating fatty, you'll explode"

"Hey fatty, don't eat the whole thing, leave something for other people"

"I think the entire cafeteria's food will be less for you"

It's basically like, if you're fat and you're eating in public, it's a sin.. well not just that actually, 'cause even if you don't eat, people will say something again-

"Are you on diet or something? If yes then it's good. You should lose some weight and may be then someone will love you"

And when you react to such comment by leaving or staying quiet or frowning.. the reaction you will get is,

"Hey, don't get mad. I even call my sister 'fat' and she is not fat actually. I call everyone 'fat'"

"Don't be mad at me, please? I consider you a very good friend that's why I mess around with you.."

There was a time when I was so overly depressed with these comments that I started skipping my meals and also my favorite food for months. I don't remember. I still get these comments more than once in my day.. It sucks when "fatty" or "fatso" becomes your new name. I try to overlook and forget it but I can't completely. I do want it to affect me sometimes so that I start skipping meals again.
I know a lot of people will read this. Even people from my college but not my friends and no one will ever know how it feels. How much it makes me hate myself more.

I think, I sort of started liking myself a bit when I met this guy in a public bus who liked me the way I was. I haven't seen him in a while. It's been more than a month. I don't want to befriend him or maybe I do but he seems like a buttonhead jerk to me so nah. But I do miss seeing him. 

I actually wanted to write about a lot of other things but now it's just something that idek.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Can I stand close to death?

You won't like to know what I think,
You won't like to know what's inside,
You won't like to know the stories behind the scars, 
You won't like to know what I wish on the shooting stars.
Brutally and slowly, the sadness and emptiness is consuming me,
I'm so good at hiding it that no one can see.
People love you only if you're pretty or dying;
I know I can never ever be pretty.
Can I stand close to death?
And have my share of love and care?

Saturday, November 16, 2013

"It's hard when.."

It is hard when you know something's wrong,
But you can't fix it.
It's hard when you want to speak,
But you can't find the words.
It's hard when you want to be happy,
But you're pulled back into the emptiness.
It's hard when you're smiling,
Just so that people don't see anything wrong with you.
It's hard when you're trying to write down what you feel,
But when you read it back, it doesn't make any sense.
It's hard when you want to stay,
But you don't want to exist.
It's hard when you try to reach for help
But there's no one out there.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Past.

I walk with my past.
It's always there behind my back,
Or by my side.
Always there looking for a chance;
A Chance to pull me back,
And trap me in the blinding memories of bad days.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

"I don't know.."

I don't know how to reach the light,
When hope is out of my sight.

I don't know why I want you in my life
When all I want is to cut my wrists with a knife.

I don't know why I fall asleep and wish for a better day,
When I don't want to wake up next morning in any way.

I don't know why I push away the people who care,
When I want them to be with me right here.

I don't know why but I think I'm going insane,
When I feel like I can keep myself sane through out the pain.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Death

Death fascinates me.
There are so many unusual things that I see.
I see Death waiting for me outside the balcony,
I guess it knows that I'm unhappy.
But still it is smiling at me like an old friend,
Offering me it's pale cold hand,
Asking me to go on an adventure unknown,
Leaving everything and everyone behind on their own.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Imagine

Imagine being called "guilty"
for the things you've never done.
Imagine being prisioned and haunted
by the voices inside your head and the four walls.
Imagine the society and media shaming you
for something that never happened
and is not a single bit true.
Imagine having a life
where you feel like being dead is better.

Friday, September 27, 2013

False criminal case.

An innocent soul
-found guilty for something he never did;
-Going through everything,
that's meant for criminal minds;
-Ruined by someone else's evil intentions, power and status,
He's been craving for peace of mind.
-Dettached, alone, broken and unloved,
He's trapped inside the four walls,
-Detoriorating every second of every day
And no one can save him.

He was smiling,
He was laughing;
His eyes were full of dreams.
He never smoked, he never drank;
He never disrespected anyone.
His smile silently whispered,
"I love you and I care."
He gave the best reassuring hugs,
No matter who the person were.
A false criminal case,
and he was gone.
Far away from everyone's reach and sight,
I don't know how he is holding up tonight.

Bring him back the days,
Bring back his smile;
Seeing someone of wonderful dying,
is not something I can enjoy.
I'll do anything to save him,
Even if I have to give away my life.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

"There's someone.."

I know you've been hurt,
burned and scared.
I know it's hard to breathe,
and see her fine,
while you're trying not to end your life.
There's someone who wants to make it all better.
For a while, just close your beautiful blue-gray eyes,
Let the tears roll down your pale cheeks,
Block the destructive thoughts,
Tell your soul, "It's not over yet".
There's someone who is hurting to see you hurt.
Quit calling yourself a coward,
Crying a little won't make you any smaller,
Living with the pain only makes you stronger.
Scream and let the pain leave your sunken chest.
There's someone who still cares despite the distance.
Let them in, 
Let them take away the pain.
Trust me, it'll all be worth it in the end.






Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Another life lost in vain?

Sometimes when things go hazy,
Or the world looks sane and I look crazy.
I need someone 
to talk me out of the blue.

Sometimes at night like this when everyone's asleep,
and the wound is too deep 
I need someone to keep me from doing the sad little things
I've been planning to do.

I don't know my strengths,
but I know that I can let my weaknesses to end the pain
in the most horrific way and
For some, it'll just be another life lost in vain.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

A world full of pain.

I need a reason to wake up in the morning.
I need a reason to fall asleep at night.
I need a reason to keep on going.
I need a reason to keep on breathing.
Because everything I do, goes in vain.
And I don't know how not notice this world full of pain.





Sunday, August 18, 2013

Do what you think is right.

A part of my Online Life

The act of kindness shouldn't be limited to giving money and stuff. You need to give away love as well because the world is full of hate and cruelity. You don't know, who is having a bad day. You don't know who is thinking of ending their life. Even at this very moment while you're reading this, you're surrounded by people who are sad and may be they're standing at the edge. I've come across such people. I know people who hate themselves and who think of dying all the time. These people are out of love. Since I spent most of my teenage years(I'm still 19) at home, online. I befriended a lot of people from different countries. 
I have this friend. Her name is Diana. She turned 18 recently. She is suicidal. Often people stepback and tiptoe when they hear the word "suicidal" or "depression" but I don't and there's a good reason.. because sadly, I can relate to how she feels 24x7.

I met Diana on tumblr. I came across her blog and I followed her. She was upset and I would ask her to stay strong and when I got upset she would tell me the same. We decided to get on skype and we started to skype.
If you look at her, you won't believe that she is suicidal. But that's how people are. They are good at hidding. I wanted to help her and I knew that somewhere deep down, she wanted to help herself as well so I kept pushing her to get help since we lived in different countries and I couldn't do much to save her. 
One night, we were on skype and she was holding a paper which had suicide and selfharm 24x7 helplines. She was shaking and she was scared and I made her to do it. I asked her to do it for herself, her best friends, her family and me.. She did it. I was there all the time when she was talking on the phone. She didn't say all the things but she felt better. A couple of weeks later, she spoke to her mum and her mum took her to the pysch. She was diagonised with depression. 
I was proud of her because she helped herself and may be the reason why I could help her was because I've experienced the pain you're left with when your best friend commits suicide.. My best friend was a saviour. 
Oh well, do you know what Diana told me after meeting her psych and getting on medication and therapy and stuff? She said, "Babe, I wouldn't be alive if it weren't you. You made me do it. You helped me. You've saved my life." What else could be better than knowing that you saved a life? People need help. Look around and spread the love, save a life. It'll bring you the greatest joy. A small act of love and kindness can do magical things.

As you grow old, your heart starts to shrink. The love and warmth in you starts to die. And may be when people see the innocence in you, they ask you not to let that innocence die. Grown ups are selfish and silly and may be that's the reason I never wanted to grow up. They forget to care, they forget to be kind, they forget to stop and ask "how you are?".. They forget to ask your needs, They forget to respect others. They forget their integrity in the blinding light of power and fame. They forget that the things that bring a smile on their face, might as well bring tears in someone else's eyes.  I really hope the child in me stays alive for a long time and I keep doing such right things.


I am sharing my Do Right Stories at BlogAdda.com in association with Tata Capital.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Looking for the right words to define how it feels,
There are no retakes and no change of scripts when life reels.
With a cluster of wild and frightening thoughts in black and white,
It's hard to fall asleep at night.
But finally when the eyes start to close, 
Struggling through all the highs and lows,
Getting tired of staring into nothing,
It's hard to wake up again in the morning.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

"I'm torn.."

I'm torn, 
between the thoughts, 
of letting go 
and holding on for a little longer.
I'm torn, 
between the thoughts 
of going with the flow  
and starting it all over again.
I'm torn,
between the thoughts
of dying
and staying alive.
I'm torn, 
between the dreams 
where I find death scary
and the reality where I don't wanna live.
I'm torn,
between the person
people think I am
and the person I really am.

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Everyday.

Everyday I scream,
And struggle to make sure, no one hears that noise in my voice.
Everyday I smile,
And struggle to make sure, no one sees the pain behind it.
Everyday I keep myself busy,
And struggle to make sure, no thought clogs my life.
Everyday I run outta' things to keep myself numb,
And struggle to fall asleep even when it's 3 A.M.
Everyday I try to figure out what's wrong with me,
And struggle to make myself believe that everything happens for a reason.

Monday, July 8, 2013

Self Destruction.

"Take it slow and let it go"
And that's how you go with the flow.
But what if you lose a part of yourself,
And start to feel like an empty book shelf?
Everything I see is black and white,
And yet the brightest corner is out of my sight.
I still want to be gone forever,
And give up on my greatest endeavor.
Everything is worthless,
My head is certainly a scary place.
May be you don't know but when you're under demon's claw,
It makes you see your greatest flaw.
I'm addicted to self destruction,
Because I can never get self satisfaction.

Friday, June 28, 2013

What kills me? What makes me angry? What makes me want to be dead? It's you. Because, you're my friend. The only person I talk to on regular basis. You told me that you were my friend. You told me that you'd be there. You made me believe that I could trust you. You are a liar. You're fake. You are a wannabe. You are screwed up. You judge people and that makes me think that somewhere at some point you judge me as well. I have been judged a lot of times. I don't want to be judged. I don't want anyone to be judged. I hate people who judge. I hate it so much that I make myself bleed. Can't you see? How can you hurt me by doing the same things, over and over again? You make me feel small. You take me for granted. And when I do the same to make you realize how it feels, you frown at me instead of realizing it. I hate you.
There he is,
Looking outta window, embracing the healing breeze.

This time, I think life is going to win,
'cause he is letting the breeze poke through his skin.

Making him feel blessed for a while,
It gave him life and a reason to smile.

The window seat did it's magic again,
Showed him, life isn't all about pain.

I hope that smile stays on his face,
And he gets all the good things, he's been trying to chase.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Hope.

"What is it? Why are you not telling me?" He sighed as he placed his hand on hers and held it tight. "..You know that I care about you right? I can't see you like this.. Dying inside slowly, every second. It kills me.."

Everything was quiet. The silence filled their hearts. Her best friend knew that she was hiding something. Everything was not fine in her life. She looked at the sky and let a deep sigh escape her lips as she tried to hold back the tears that were glittering in her eyes. "Okay, let me try put this into words and then we won't talk about this again" Her voice was trembling now. "I feel like I have the literal weight of the world on my chest and every so often nowadays, that brings me down, a lot. It is exhausting to feel a physical weight pulling you down. I think of my future and I do not foresee myself getting to 60 or dying of old age. I fear for my future.. because there's a part of me which affirms that I will be like this for the rest of my years. This is a reoccurring thought which spirals my emotions out of control. I break down and that lethargy sticks with me.  When I think about suicide and self harm in the most elaborate manner, I cry because I fear for myself and how much little control I have... When I cant shed tears, it feels even worse. Like the whole world is gonna cave in and there's nothing I can do. I think, talking to people is tiring, even though everyone is nice and I feel bad about it. I think having to face people is tiring. I think there is no such thing as love and that this world is a terrible place to be in." She closed her eyes and the tears rolled down her cheeks. She sniffed and wiped her tears. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have.. That was just really stupid"

He wasn't surprised. He knew it but he was glad that she finally spoke up. He didn't smile. He didn't frown. He squeezed her hand a little and said, "Hey, don't say that. It wasn't stupid. It's fine." She looked numb.  
He looked at her and then looked at stars which were giving life to the sky. He continued, "You know that there are a lot of people like you and  I, right? And people like you and I, feel the same. We can't see our futures. We all fear that we wont be be alright, we're going to remain the same. We don't see love even when people are trying to make us feel loved. And that's probably because the people who're trying to make us feel loved are out of love, heart broken or empty. May be someday we all will meet or find someone who is full of love, who isn't heart broken or empty. May be someday we'll feel loved. But we're not sure. The world is a terribly sad place. Some people are strong enough to face it and cope with it. But for people like you and I, it's difficult." 
Now, she was staring at the stars too while he was speaking. "I feel tired as well. I want to talk to people but at the same time I don't. I appreciate that you and a couple of other people are trying to help me or feel better but I just can't. And I know that you appreciate it as well. And you can't feel better either. We just have to try really hard to keep ourselves numb so that we don't breakdown but I also know that it's not possible all the time... But still I want you to know that I'm here and I understand and I need you to keep trying even if you see no hope. I love you.."
They both didn't say anything for a long time. They had reached the stage in their friendship where even silence was comfortable. She rested her head on his shoulder and the silence spoke for them. They both felt the same. Hope keeps us going. Hope keeps us alive. Hope is something that we need when nothing seems right.

Saturday, June 1, 2013

My tears and scars 
Were supposed to hide 
After looking 
At our companionship 
Getting toughened 
But 
The companionship was 
too weak and fragile. 
My pains, 
My tears 
And my scars 
Were just too much 
To handle.

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Pages from her diary

"Sometimes it's so hard to gather all the words that are scattered everywhere inside you. They say, if you need help, talk to someone you trust. The people you trust, take you for granted. They believe that you're gonna stay. They believe that things are not that bad for you. They believe that you're not that sad. They believe that you'll figure out a way just like they did. But they don't know. They don't know and they don't understand that every one is not the same person. Every person has different insecurities and fears. Every person has different sorts of reasons that cause the pain. And right now, I'm starting to believe that I should kill myself so that people can see how sad I am, how much it hurts, how much I hate myself and how difficult this is for me."

Thursday, May 23, 2013

"..what's real and what's fake.."

Tangled in cluster of loud thoughts,
Too perplexed to figure anything out.
How can you tell, what's real and what's fake,
When every memory is on the stake?
Finding a way to clear my head,
Keeping myself numb so that I don't cry myself to bed.
For a moment every relation was in my hand,
I tried to hold them but it slipped away like the sand.
I let the world to stab me even when I was awake,
It's not their fault, it's entirely my mistake.
"Taken for granted",
-is something that no one ever has wanted.
 Let's be precise,
In this world of disguise,
How can you tell, what's real and what's fake,
When every every memory is on the stake?

Saturday, May 11, 2013

You're not insane,
You're just a little sad.
You're not lazy,
You're just a little lonely.
You're not dead,
You're just a little numb.
You don't want to die,
You just want to be loved.
Yesterday was bad,
But it doesn't matter,
'cause you're alright,
Even after knowing,
Today's going to be worse.

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Thoughts

If I let out,
All my thoughts,
On this white sheet,
I'm afraid, I'll freak you out a bit,
In a way or another,
You'll tip-toe around me forever.
These thoughts are too loud,
And also too proud,
Because they make me feel miserable,
And vulnerable.

Monday, April 29, 2013

Book Review: Tantra by Adi



Title: Tantra by Adi
Author: Adi
Publisher: Apeejay Stya Publishing(2013) 
MRP: Rs. 195
Genre- fiction, fantansy, thriller
No of pages: 334, Paperback
Book's website: www.tantrabyadi.com 

Twitter: @dearadi
Facebook: fb.com/DearAdiPage

Do you love vampires? If you do then you must read Tantra by Adi. When I first started to read the book, I wasn't really excited but the book has been written so well that I couldn't stop reading. I'm not really into vampires but I read the book within 7 days so now you know how much I liked it.

The book is all about the central character, Anu, an Indian guardian from New York. Guardians are the people who fight the vampires and save the world. She comes to New Delhi, India to avenge the death of  the person she truly cared about, Brian. Her parents are not aware of her duties and job. She has a typical aunt at New Delhi who wants to get her married. Anu takes help from the local guardians to save the city and take the revenge.

Don't judge this book by it's cover. I wasn't really impressed by it's cover art but once I started reading, it kept me hooked. The language that the author used is easy to grasp and enjoyable All the characters in this book are strong and unique. The inner battle inside Anu with all the situation is very well portrayed by the Author. I loved the way, the author has used Amit's character to keep moments in the book lighter and humor filled. Amit is a guardian at Delhi who helps Anu to fight the vampires at Delhi. He is truly a very likable character in this book. 

The Indian touches to vampires and dark power is commendable. The pace of the book is perfect. It has everything like friendship, Love, Adventure, Romance, Drama, Humor, Suspense, Revenge, Action, Vampires and all the Superhero stuff with a unique Indian touch. 

Oh and another positive thing about this book is that this time it's a girl who saves the world. Finally a heroine. I must applaud the author for giving us a female protagonist as vampire slayer.

Coming to the negative points, ah well there's not a lot of negatives except the actions used in the book like "shift". It is still big question mark for me. And it kept annoying me. I wish, the author had described what "shift" meant! I wanted to read more about Anu and Brian. There wasn't much about them, just a few flashbacks and that's it.

But oh well, It may not be everyone's cup of tea but it's a must read for all the vampire lovers. So all you vampire lovers out there and the ones who like to experiment, go and get this book now!

This review is a part of the biggest Book Review Program for Indian Bloggers. Participate now to get free books!

Friday, April 26, 2013

One of those nights

It's okay, I guess I will be alright,
Because it's just one of those nights,
Where I try,
Not to cry.
                                    One of those nights,
                                    Where I hope to take my last breath,
                                     And run into death.
One of those nights,
Where I stare into nothing,
And let my heart feel everything.
                                    One of those nights,
                                    Where I walk the memory lane,
                                    Spend some time there and try not to go insane.
One of those nights,
Where I do things to keep myself numb,
And assume that it's my favorite season, autumn.
                                  But I've had enough of those nights,
                                 And I am starting to think that it's not alright.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

It's been eight days.

It's been eight days, 
Since I last spoke to him.
It's been eight days, 
Since I last smiled, 
And laughed, 
from the bottom of my heart.
It's been eight days,
Since I realized, 
I mattered to him a lot.
It's been eight days,
Since I realized, 
I affected him more than I'd thought.
It's been eight days,
Since I decided I'd  smile, 
No matter what.
It's been eight days,
Since I decided I'd keep it all to myself, 
Even if it hurts.
It's been eight days,
Since I promised I'd change,
And live for others.
It's been eight days,
Since I fought my inner demons.
But I'm tired and exhausted now,
And the demons seem to be consuming me somehow.
It's been eight days,
I'm neither cursed nor blessed,
But apparently, I'm back to the bad place from where I started.

Friday, April 19, 2013

You are as good as a dead person if the only people who talks to you is your family. They talk to you and you hear and listen but when you try to talk back they can't even hear you or see you. They can't see how miserable and lonely you are.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

She did what they wanted her to do.

They asked her to let it all out. "All the feelings that hurt you, all the thoughts that make you miserable, just say it and throw them away.." She wiped her tears and said in a whimpering tone, "Alright, I will.."
She took their advice because she wanted to get better. She did what they said. But, it was hard for them too. Too see so much pain and thoughts trapped inside her. Everyday, it was a new story, a new kind of bad day which never seemed to end for her or them. But more than getting sad, they were getting tired of seeing her like that. Hating herself, skipping meals, self harming, crying herself to sleep and trying to kill herself. 
One day they couldn't take it. They wanted her to stop speaking of death. They said, "You are hurting us. It hurts to see you like this. Please don't do this. And you know what? People have it much worse. But they don't want to die. They don't speak of dying. Goddamn! JUST APPRECIATE YOUR LIFE! NOBODY LOVES A SAD PERSON, DON'T YOU GET IT?"  
She sat numb there, staring at nothing. She knew that nobody loves a sad person, they didn't have to throw it at her like that.. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.. yeah, you're right. I should probably go now.." she said with a broken smile and went to her room. 
Next morning, everything was different for them. She seemed better, she was smiling and although she was talking a lot about the normal things and normal life like normal people but she was quieter than ever. 
Her thoughts are like tangled wires that block her throat. She started to keep everything to herself because it's what they wanted.  They think that she is fine and better than before but only she knows that she is not fine. Those thoughts and feeling still haunt her and something still 'causes the pain but she tries to smile it away. Someday, these feelings and thoughts will explode and consume her and it will be too late to save her. Who will they blame then?

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

"Have you ever felt like it's your last day on earth.."

Have you ever felt like it's your last day on earth,
With all the people you love?

And everything will be gone in a few minutes,
And finally people will see the scars on your arms of your old cuts.

They'll listen to your screams and see your pain,
But still call you names.

Just one bolt from the blue to knock you down,
And they won't ever see you or your unpleasing frown.

It will be too late,
They will still hate.

It will be your end,
With your own hand.

You will stop seeing,
You will stop feeling.

You will stop listening,
You will stop breathing.

You will do it all, just to end the pain.
And people'd think you couldn't walk a mile in the rain.

You will leave everyone behind to miss your absence,
And regret for not understanding your silence.

How scary is that thought?
How messed up is your life?

Try to pour out all your feelings and thoughts on a piece of paper,
And finally apologize for doing it, in that one letter.

Monday, March 25, 2013

Being gay is not a choice.

You know, I've known and met more gay/lesbian/bisexual/queer/transsexual people. Not in person but online. Many of them are my really good friends. And I know you would say that knowing someone from the internet is a complete different thing. To you, may be it is a different thing but to me it's not.

I was 16 when I came across the word "gay" and actually understand it. There was this guy. He was of 15. We met on this site name "myYearbook"(The site has been shut down) and we became friends after a couple of days. I told him about me and my secrets and he did the same. His biggest secret was that he was bisexual. I've known that person for 3 years now. We have a great time together. My mum knows about him. He is one of the closest friends. And he is amazing. 

He lives in a country where they don't accept gay people. Just like India. He hasn't told his family or friends yet because he is scared and he thinks of killing himself. But I don't let him too. I don't hate him. I love him because he is a wonderful person and believe it or not he has saved my life a lot of times. I bet there are more people like him in India too. It's sad that people think that homosexuality is a disease. It's freaking not. 

Do you have any idea with what they go through? Their thoughts, their fear of coming out to everyone, their feelings of dying, consequences after coming out and everything. Why do you forget that they are human too. Why bully them? Why hate them just because they are bisexual/gay/lesbian/queer/transsexual. 

I remember my mum and I were watching TV. And there was something about gay people I guess it was a episode of "My big decision or something" My mum was saying mean things about transsexual and gay people. Because she didn't know it. And I told her that what she is saying is pointless and mean and it's not their fault. Being gay is not a choice. And transsexual people are those people who never feel right about themselves as in, they feel like they're in wrong body. After explaining her everything. She was quiet and I was proud.

Does anyone remember Harish Iyer from Satyamev Jayate's episode of child sexual abuse? He visited my blog and read my blog post where I mentioned about getting sexually abused. He even offered me help which I denied for own personal reasons. He was so nice that he gave me his number. He is gay, right? He could have ignored me just because I am straight. Like some of you people ignore/hate/disown them just because they're homosexual/Transsexual. But he didn't do it.

The point behind telling you about my stories is that I don't want you to say that I am talking "crap" and I know "nothing". I've met them. I've talked to them. And I don't see any difference. It's not their fault that they are attracted to people of similar sex. They are created that way. They can never be attracted towards someone of opposite sex. By beating them up, disowning them, you cannot make them straight. They won't freaking rape you. They understand that you're straight and they always know that you won't fall in love with them or be attracted towards you. So why can't you just accept who they are?

I've been called gay/bisexual/lesbian. I freaking don't mind it because I don't find it offensive. Not even a single bit. But you button head people out there, stop calling everything and everyone "gay" just because they are bad/lame. If it's bad then say it's bad. If it's lame, just say that it's lame. Some guys marry guys. Some girls marry girls. Get over it.

I guess the basic reason why our society is so messed is the movies. They present it in wrong way most of the times. They do not dress in a girl way or talk like that. Real life is nothing like movies. But I am glad that it's changing a bit. Like this show "Suvreen Guggal: Topper of the year" There is this guy "Zorro". Ever tried to observe his character? That's what reality is. They are scared and broken. Their family disowns them. But they're still happy with their friends and they do anything for them. They may have a crush on you but they won't harm you or rape you because of sexual frustration.

Homophobia is not a fear. You are just an ignorant moron. Try watching documentaries and stuffs about coming out, accepting themselves and transsexualism. It will help you understand them better.

To do the least, don't hate your own brother, your own sister, your own son and daughter, and your own friends just because they came out to you. They are nothing different. They are the same person you've always known. I am really glad that there are people like Josh Hutcherson, Daniel Redcliffe, Anne Hathway and Zayn Malik and others.






I wish we had people like them in India too.

I support LGBTQ rights. And I am proud of it. If you're someone who is Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual/Transgender/Queer, please know that I am here for you. And I support you. Be proud of who you are. 
If you need anymore help, please check out this "List" of NGOs and contact details. There are different NGOs working in India for LGBTQ rights. 

The "Trikone" foundation is one such organisation. Trikone is a registered 501(c)(3) non-profit organization for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) people of South Asian descent. Founded in 1986 in the San Francisco Bay Area, Trikone is the first group of its kind in the world.
You can also contact "Mr. Harish Iyer". He has counselled several young men and women and help them 'come out' and deal with their sexual orientation in a healthy way.
Stay Strong. It's time for them to change.



I do not support gay marriage. I support marriage. And marriage is a union of two people who love each other. Stop bullying them. You will end up killing them.

"This post was written for 'iDiya' contest hosted by 'Indiblogger'"

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

summer night.

It's summer night but I am getting chills.
There are so many things that this heart feels.
Of course things turned out messy and it hasn't got better yet. 
And everything around me is making me upset.
A part of me is dying.
A part of me is missing. 
I don't know how to feel good again. 
I don't know if I'll get to see the rainbow after the rain.
I cannot even shed a tear 'cause I'll have to explain,
everything that's 'causing this pain.
The feeling of emptiness has started to crawl,
And every person has began to make me feel so small.
I don't know for how long can I face it,
Before deciding to end it all and quit.