Tuesday, May 29, 2012

I'm not alive if I'm not sharing.

"When everything is good in your life, every twisted thing happening in someone else's life seems like a drama.."

I am falling apart. I'm going insane. And once again, I'm at the point where it all had begun. I'm not alive if I'm not sharing. If I keep these stuffs only to myself, the chances are that I might give up and I don't want to do that. I don't know where to go.

How would you feel if the person, you used to trust the most gave up on you? Broken? Shattered? Numb? You usually trust your family first. But if your family is mean to you, You go to your friends and share everything with them 'cause you trust them and when that person tells you that he has given up on you and he can't listen to your "tragic tales" it sucks badly.

Insecurities have been crawling me since a very long time. And, I knew that if I kept sharing my insecurities, people would leave me. And that's what happened. It wasn't like I was sharing it with everyone I met. And often, I used to tell people that if I shared, they'd be speechless and everything would be awkward. And we might end up being strangers. And see, I was right. People are leaving me alone.

I literally don't have a single friend. There are people who I care about and who care about me but it's not the same anymore. I am not even interested to be friends with anyone. People disappointed you but it doesn't mean you'd disappoint them. Before I disappoint them it's better to fall apart.

I am not being a sadist. I'm okay. I promise. I did cry on the night when my friend told me that he had given up on me. I was really mad at him. And, I felt like a fool. But, next morning, the pain was gone. When I talk to new people, I try to act rude so that we never get attached and sometimes I just have nothing to say. It doesn't matter to me. So, it's good. Every time, when crap happens, I become more stronger. So, dear troubles, come at me bro. (:

Friday, May 18, 2012

Just Saying.

Certain thoughts and feelings inside your head and heart are immortal. You try to kill them, sometimes they disappear but they always come back.
P.S. Um, I don't know what to say.  Thanks for all the love and support that you people showed through mails, facebook messages, tweets and comments.. It means a lot. I'll be strong. Thanks. I know people want to help me but I don't know. I am not ready or may be I am. I want to live my life normally. I don't want to get highlighted everywhere. I know and I remember what I had written in my previous post. "I want the world to know" but not in that way. I mean, I am not starting a fight or movement or whatever you call it. What I wanted everyone to know is that I don't over react. Crap Happens. But you have never been through my life's crap. So you need to stop judging me. That's it.
I am taking a break again. I'm not sure if I'll post again soon but oh well. Don't get scared if I didn't reply to the mails and stuffs. I have to concentrate on my studies. =)

Monday, May 14, 2012

I'm a strong girl and I know it but if I give up on life then please don't call me a coward.

Yeah I know everyone's talking about the show Satyamev Jayate and I am going to do the same. But, I just want to thank Aamir Khan from the bottom of my heart. I don't know if you're ever going to read this or find this but I really mean it.. I'm just another victim who had almost lost her voice long back. But you and every single person who were on the show gave me the courage to speak out. Thanks a lot. It means a lot. I don't know why. I am glad that I am not the only one who is going through this.

I was watching the show with my mum and my brother. After a while my brother walked outta room and I started crying. My mum walked over to me and asked what's wrong and hugged me. And all I said was, "Why didn't you believe me mum? I had told you earlier" He entered and I pointed my finger at him. I told her everything again. She asked him and he lied. (Jeez, I am getting tears again)

As usual he lied. I thought this time mum would believe me. But I guess she loves her son more. I feel more crappy and it hurts more now. It hurts when your parents don't believe you. The people who were on the show know how I feel. She said, "You're committing a sin by saying so about your own brother." I told her that She and her son are the ones who are committing sin. I am not regretting. I am glad that I said so. Because I know that I'm not wrong.

 I even mentioned it on twitter. Not the whole thing but a little bit. I feel like laughing at them. I love the way everyone pretends there. So, people on there were like "Stop CSA" "Speak out loud" "Raise your voice against it" "I salute people who have gone through it" When I tweeted that I have been through it. No one uttered a word. Shame on such people. I am not saying that it matters. I am just telling that how everyone's so fake.

There are few people who knew about it and who have been with me. Marko, Juan, Kenzie, Raed, Sunakshi Di, Shravan and Amey. I don't know if I missing anyone's name but oh well. There are more people who know about it but it's like we stopped talking after a while. But you know, after knowing about whatever has happened to me, if people stops talking to me then it's their loss not mine. I don't even expect people to talk to me and I don't know why. It just doesn't matter to me anymore.

This was the second time when I tried telling her. But she blamed me. She asked why I didn't try to stop? Well, the people who know about it had asked the same question to me. I guess my mum didn't listen to the victims properly.

"You know that whatever is happening to you is not right but your body, your heart, your mind and even your soul gives up. You don't know how to protect yourself 'cause once you had tried telling your parents about it and if they couldn't help/believe you.. No one can.."

That's how I have been feeling. You start hating yourself. You start hating your own skin. I am crying. But it doesn't mean I am weak. I am strong. I am really strong and I'll always be strong. I know it. I am gonna do my college and get a job and move out forever and never look back.

People at my college don't know a thing about it. 3 girls from my school knew about it. But we don't talk anymore. It's 14th May. I had started writing this yesterday but couldn't complete it for some reason. One good thing that happened is I got my bed separated.  We are still in the same room but now I have my own bed. My mum didn't let me to tell my dad about it. My dad is not well right now and I'm scared that something might happen. So, I haven't told him anything yet. I'm afraid again. I don't want anything to happen to my parents. I'm still crying. And, I'm feeling terribly alone.

My mum wants me to be "nice" to my brother. She thinks that it's easy. Jeez. How can I even do that. I don't even feel like being nice to my mum. 

"..I feel stronger but I'm scared.
 I want to fly but I'm caged.
I want to smile but tears ain't stopping,
I want to breathe but this pain is choking.
I want to fly but I'm caged.."

I remember when I was 4 or 5 years old. There was this man who used to work at our studio. He used to kiss me and bite me all over. It used to hurt and after a few days, my mum saw marks/patches on my body. She asked and I told her about him. My mum told my dad and I guess after that.. my dad kicked him out. Until yesterday, I didn't know that it came under child sex abuse.

I just cannot stop thinking about these stuffs and stop crying over it. It hurts more. I have tried killing myself a lot of times. I feel like killing myself again but I want to live too. Why is it happening to me? Can I say "no one cares about me". My own mother doesn't seem to care. How can I expect others to care about me? 

The people who were supposed to care the most, care the least. I had promised certain people that I wouldn't try killing myself again. And I'm gonna try my best to keep that promise but if I fail, don't call me a coward 'cause you know what? Even killing yourself needs a lot of strength and courage.

I wrote my feelings down because I wanted to. I could have written it somewhere like my notebook but the world would fail to know or see who I am and where I stand. Yes. I really want the world to know about it. I want them to know that sometimes faking a smile is not that easy. These feelings are killing me inside and this is the reason why I stay quite.