Depression is so fucked up. Once it gets a good grip of you, it never leaves you alone. It follows you everywhere. It gets in your system. It starts eating you up from the inside, slowing sucking up the life out of you. You scream for help but it gets lost in the noise of the crowd like a shout in a void. You cannot bring yourself to speak or express yourself, you start to forget things that once made you happy, you feel unworthy and isolated, you crave human interaction but at the same time you want to be alone and slowly being alone starts to suck as well. You smile and laugh with your so called group of “friends” but deep down you know you don’t mean anything to them and the smiles and laughs reminds you more of how lonely you are and how deep is the void in your heart. It fucking hits you out of nowhere and it makes you act accordingly. A few minutes later, when you’re done doing the action, you start to realize how stupid you were to do that. You don’t easily feel happy or loved and even if you do, it vanishes in a blink. Sometimes, you wish you were hit by a truck, sometimes you want to drink the floor cleaner, sometimes you want to make a hundred cuts on your arms and bleed to death, sometimes you want to empty the bottle of the pills. Sometimes you just want to sleep away your life. You think of a thousand ways to kill yourself. You know that it’s all in your head but you cannot do anything about it. The world disgusts you but at the same time you want to be a “normal” person. You cannot see if it’ll ever get better but you try to live your life the way it is.

If it makes you feel better..

If it makes you feel any better,

I'll keep myself from speaking of death,

and how my absence would make this place a better place.

I'll make myself smile during the long screwed up nights, 

just to keep myself sane.

I'll let my head sleep when it feels too tired to exist.

I'll let you be my happy pill that cures the sadness in me.

I'll stop painting my sleeves red.

I'll do it all, darling, if it makes you feel any better.

But just in case I failed,

I'd leave you a last note with tear and ink stains,

Just to tell you that I tried my best,

And hope you understand that this was never in my hands.

Imagine

Imagine being called "guilty"

for the things you've never done.

Imagine being prisioned and haunted

by the voices inside your head and the four walls.

Imagine the society and media shaming you

for something that never happened

and is not a single bit true.

Imagine having a life

where you feel like being dead is better.

Everyday.

Everyday I scream,

And struggle to make sure, no one hears that noise in my voice.

Everyday I smile,

And struggle to make sure, no one sees the pain behind it.

Everyday I keep myself busy,

And struggle to make sure, no thought clogs my life.

Everyday I run outta' things to keep myself numb,

And struggle to fall asleep even when it's 3 A.M.

Everyday I try to figure out what's wrong with me,

And struggle to make myself believe that everything happens for a reason.

Being gay is not a choice.

You know, I've known and met more gay/lesbian/bisexual/queer/transsexual people. Not in person but online. Many of them are my really good friends. And I know you would say that knowing someone from the internet is a complete different thing. To you, may be it is a different thing but to me it's not.

I was 16 when I came across the word "gay" and actually understand it. There was this guy. He was of 15. We met on this site name "myYearbook"(The site has been shut down) and we became friends after a couple of days. I told him about me and my secrets and he did the same. His biggest secret was that he was bisexual. I've known that person for 3 years now. We have a great time together. My mum knows about him. He is one of the closest friends. And he is amazing. 

He lives in a country where they don't accept gay people. Just like India. He hasn't told his family or friends yet because he is scared and he thinks of killing himself. But I don't let him too. I don't hate him. I love him because he is a wonderful person and believe it or not he has saved my life a lot of times. I bet there are more people like him in India too. It's sad that people think that homosexuality is a disease. It's freaking not. 

Do you have any idea with what they go through? Their thoughts, their fear of coming out to everyone, their feelings of dying, consequences after coming out and everything. Why do you forget that they are human too. Why bully them? Why hate them just because they are bisexual/gay/lesbian/queer/transsexual. 

I remember my mum and I were watching TV. And there was something about gay people I guess it was a episode of "My big decision or something" My mum was saying mean things about transsexual and gay people. Because she didn't know it. And I told her that what she is saying is pointless and mean and it's not their fault. Being gay is not a choice. And transsexual people are those people who never feel right about themselves as in, they feel like they're in wrong body. After explaining her everything. She was quiet and I was proud.

Does anyone remember Harish Iyer from Satyamev Jayate's episode of child sexual abuse? He visited my blog and read my blog post where I mentioned about getting sexually abused. He even offered me help which I denied for own personal reasons. He was so nice that he gave me his number. He is gay, right? He could have ignored me just because I am straight. Like some of you people ignore/hate/disown them just because they're homosexual/Transsexual. But he didn't do it.

The point behind telling you about my stories is that I don't want you to say that I am talking "crap" and I know "nothing". I've met them. I've talked to them. And I don't see any difference. It's not their fault that they are attracted to people of similar sex. They are created that way. They can never be attracted towards someone of opposite sex. By beating them up, disowning them, you cannot make them straight. They won't freaking rape you. They understand that you're straight and they always know that you won't fall in love with them or be attracted towards you. So why can't you just accept who they are?

I've been called gay/bisexual/lesbian. I freaking don't mind it because I don't find it offensive. Not even a single bit. But you button head people out there, stop calling everything and everyone "gay" just because they are bad/lame. If it's bad then say it's bad. If it's lame, just say that it's lame. Some guys marry guys. Some girls marry girls. Get over it.

I guess the basic reason why our society is so messed is the movies. They present it in wrong way most of the times. They do not dress in a girl way or talk like that. Real life is nothing like movies. But I am glad that it's changing a bit. Like this show "Suvreen Guggal: Topper of the year" There is this guy "Zorro". Ever tried to observe his character? That's what reality is. They are scared and broken. Their family disowns them. But they're still happy with their friends and they do anything for them. They may have a crush on you but they won't harm you or rape you because of sexual frustration.

Homophobia is not a fear. You are just an ignorant moron. Try watching documentaries and stuffs about coming out, accepting themselves and transsexualism. It will help you understand them better.

To do the least, don't hate your own brother, your own sister, your own son and daughter, and your own friends just because they came out to you. They are nothing different. They are the same person you've always known. I am really glad that there are people like Josh Hutcherson, Daniel Redcliffe, Anne Hathway and Zayn Malik and others.

I wish we had people like them in India too.

I support LGBTQ rights. And I am proud of it. If you're someone who is Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual/Transgender/Queer, please know that I am here for you. And I support you. Be proud of who you are. 

If you need anymore help, please check out this "List" of NGOs and contact details. There are different NGOs working in India for LGBTQ rights. 

The "Trikone" foundation is one such organisation. Trikone is a registered 501(c)(3) non-profit organization for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) people of South Asian descent. Founded in 1986 in the San Francisco Bay Area, Trikone is the first group of its kind in the world.

You can also contact "Mr. Harish Iyer". He has counselled several young men and women and help them 'come out' and deal with their sexual orientation in a healthy way.

Stay Strong. It's time for them to change.

I do not support gay marriage. I support marriage. And marriage is a union of two people who love each other. Stop bullying them. You will end up killing them.

"This post was written for 'iDiya' contest hosted by 'Indiblogger'"

Someday the society will change.

They say, 
"Keep it to yourself,

And Hide,

Because what you see, 

And the way you see it,

is a travesty."

They say,
"Seal your lips,

Don't utter a word,

Because every word of yours

Will start a rebellion and that too,

Against you!"

They say,
"Keep faking a smile,

Don't let the frown show up on your face,

Because you're messed up,

You're a different being,

But you've to do everything to fit in."

Your virgin eyes and ears,

Have been through everything they could,

But how much a person can take,

And ignore the remarks they make?

Keep hoping, keeping wishing

Someday your misery will end,

Someday the society will change,

Accept everything that they find evil and strange.
---------------------------

------------------------------

"..If only they knew.."

If only they knew what it's like to be you,

And how it feels to walk a few miles with sand in the shoes,

May be they would stop hurting and never try bringing you down.

If only they knew how fragile is your heart,

And how much it aches,

May be they wouldn't do anything to tear it apart.

If only they knew what's inside your head,

And why you stay numb and awake in your bed,

May be they would stop calling you names.

If only they knew what you do to ease and stop the pain,

Convincing yourself that it's not the end,

May be they wouldn't throw out their misery at you.

If only they knew what it's like to be careful in city of fools,

And how bravely you've been fighting away all your inner demons,

May be they would stop staring at you and do something to save you.

Edge.

My thoughts never leave me alone.

And nor does my feelings or fears.

It's been a week; 

Somehow survived it without tears.

It's all there, hidden and bottled up.

I'm equally insane as you,

And, I bet that you won't find it true.

My days are getting better,

And, I've started thinking that may be I do matter?

Like someone's praying for me and my fate,

'cause God and me are not friends yet.

I wake up, and plan my day;

But, dang! Procrastination takes it all away.

I almost have no complaints and no regrets.

It's something that I want.

And my greed still needs a lil more.

I am still struggling with my thoughts,

Whether to overlook the vile intentions

Or still maintain the distances?

Forget the people but not the pain,

Or forget the pain but not the people.

Focus on what I need,

Or focus on what I have.

It's more like I'm doing it for everyone else,

But, those people are forgetting to ask how I really am.

I'm sorry, I barely appreciate what you do, 

Or have done for me.

I expect nothing, 'cause I've already given up.

And the only thing I have is this body, that I already detest.

I'm on the edge of ending it all.

I really want to do it so I won't let you know.

Things.

There are things,

You'll never find out.

-My feelings, my thoughts,

Why I keep saying, "I've been through lots.."

There are things,

I'll never care about.

-Your race, your religion,

Your thoughts, your action. 

There are things,

You'll always dare.

-"Forget the pain, live like others,

Overlook the past and leave everything behind that bothers.."

There are things,

That I'll never share.

-My fears, my scariest secrets;

And the one who are the real culprits.

There are things,

You may find annoying.

-My action, my cry,

Me not being cheery, me wanting to die.

There are things,

I may be questioning.

-The society, my existence; My differences

And me not being able to find any resemblance.

There are things,

That you may find hilarious.

-My tears, my thinking,

My words, my writing.

There are things

That I may fake like an actress.

-Hide all the fears on the screen;

Make it all blurry, make it all unseen.

There are things,

You may never notice.

Bottled up feelings, all inside me,

I can barely show you what I see.

There are things,

That make me anxious.

-What they think, what they say,

"I hope it's good", I always pray.

There are things,

You don't find true.

And, most probably it's all about someone;

Don't be so harsh 'cause of an assumption, you'll regret & cry later on their coffin.

There are things,

I really hope I do.

-Not wait for tomorrow, finish it all tonight,

Get away from this fancy world, get away from your sight.

Love Marriage or Arranged Marriage?

Love is one of the greatest feelings. Or may be it is the greatest feeling. Everyone has their own definition of love. I have my own definition too. Love can be good, Love can be bad. Love can give you solace, Love can give you pain. Love can also make you want to kill yourself but then that's called quitting. Love is not a quitter. Love is stronger. Love is fighting reality. Love is you fighting for everything.

It is love when you get attached to someone. You cannot deny that fact. And, to make that attachment stronger, you get married. Getting married is probably one of the biggest things that happens to a person. Well, then why are we not allowed to take our own decision? Why are people in our society so stuck up?

In India, when two people get married, it's like "they also get married to each other's family"  But the question is why do our family don't let us to marry our own choices? Getting married to someone you already know from a while or a long while is always better than to marry a complete stranger. A stranger who is a stranger even to our parents.

Our parents have given birth to us. But does it mean we owe them all our life's decisions? I know that every parent only wants the good to happen to their son or daughter. But sometimes, parents don't understand us. All our lives, we do what our parents want us to do so why can't we take at least one decision on our own? If parents really think and know that they have brought up their kids nicely and their kids can never do anything wrong then why do they doubt our choices?

There are too many good things about love marriage. Like, people actually become responsible. And, if anything goes wrong in their married life, they at least wouldn't blame or hate their parents for the rest of their lives. And, we cannot forget that it diminishes the caste or religious differences. Then why is love marriage considered a crime? Love is not illegal. Why do our society kill the lovers who are in a way uniting the fragmented society.

My cousin brother married the love of his life. And so did my cousin sister. And their life's going pretty great. Though, my cousin sister's family had to go through a few embarrassing moments but actually they were not really embarrassing, it was just the society who were gossiping and laughing. 

I remember my Uncle's sad face. I also remember, "my parents" and other relatives laughing at them. A few relatives didn't even come to attend the wedding. My uncle and his family used to laugh at others because of this love marriage thing and today the society is laughing at them. Today it's them, tomorrow it can be you.

The society is just messed up. If two people are happy with each other then what's wrong with it? Why is love marriage considered as ruining your own family status? What if tomorrow your son or daughter tells you that they love someone and they want to marry them? Kill them, hit them, or make them marry your choice? You'll only lose them forever. 

If you make them marry your choice then there's no surety that they'll be happy in their marriage life. No one will be happy. Not your son/daughter or their love or your in-laws. And in case of girls, how will you know if your daughter is safe with the family you have chosen? 

To those whose parents had an arranged marriage, you know it was hard for them. You must have seen that in your own house. Domestic violence. What do you think is the most common reason behind it? The differences. I know things get better and to most of the people it did get better. But you just can't ignore the past.

I know, love marriage often fails and the reason is of course less understanding. And sometimes the reasons are in-laws too. In most cases, they are in-laws. Sometimes the girls do face some problem in adjusting with their new family. 

It can be fixed, you know? Like before getting married, family members can spend some time(like a couple of weeks or months) with their son/daughter's love. Just see how do they treat you and everyone else in the family. Let your son/daughter see or understand the lifestyle. 

Just because society is going to insult you or laugh at you, it doesn't mean you'll ruin your child's happiness. At the end of the day, marriage should be important. Doesn't matter if it's arranged or love. But I would still favor love marriage.

I wonder how would my parents react if I fell in love with someone and we both wanted to marry each other. Mum keeps telling me that if I did anything like what my cousins had already done, it'd kill my dad. On the other hand, mum has also told me how my dad keeps dreaming about my brother's marriage and how he won't mind if he decides to marry his own love/choice. Then why such restrictions for me? I hope they change their thoughts. There's nothing bad about love.


P.S. This is my post for the "Love Marriage ya Arranged Marriage" contest organised by Sony Entertainment Television and Indiblogger. 

Rain and the Rainbow.

It started raining long time back. I'm not talking about the weather.. o.O It's about my life. Again. Sorry. o:

Everything is almost on track. Again. But, I'm a bit scared. It's not going to last. Ever heard of the "forgive and forget" thing? I don't know what I am feeling. But, I'm not able to hate certain people. My mum, my best friend, my used to be best friend and even my own brother. I haven't forgotten anything but still, they are my family..

*sigh* I'll be screwing up my exams for sure this time. I dunno. By the way, I forget why I started typing this post. I am forgetting everything. Everything is slipping away from my hand, it seems. It's like everything is going too fast and I'm not able to enjoy. It's funny, I spent 18 years of my life.. I never really had "actual" fun. Staying at home makes me sick..

Oh, yeah, I need to thank certain people, who wants to help me with the situation. It means a lot really. I mean it. I know I haven't written back to anyone yet but that's because I don't know what to do, what to say. I'm sorry. There's just too many things. At the end of the day, it's my own family, no? What will I gain? I do want to move and have a new life and live it in my own way but then again, I want to do it on my own. I really appreciate whatever you are trying to do or wanting to do. But, I still don't know. Just stay by my side? It'll the greatest thing that you can do for me. At least for now!

My exams are still on but it'll end soon. I have got a lot to say but still nothing. You people really give me strength. I feel better sometimes.. thinking about you all. I am just going with the flow. A bit stronger than before. I won't cut. I haven't cut in almost 3 months. I'll try to stay safe. c:

About the last post, I'll say it again, I don't think too much about it. But, you know, it happens everyday in my life, like, pretty looking girls (BIMBOS) of my class get all the attention, plus good marks. Yes, I said, good marks. Teachers don't even check their answers and give them full marks. Just because they have pretty face that doesn't mean they are intelligent or they know everything. I hate proving my existence again and again. That's it. You don't understand it unless you've been through the same. I don't even expect people to understand it. I am not you and you're not me.

It'll get better hopefully. The rain won't last forever. It shouldn't..

Choco's blah blah.

Sometimes, when things go wrong, I do cry. I do hate myself and everything around me. But then later, I just tell myself that everything will be alright; 'cause after a hurricane, comes a rainbow. ♥

My life is going to be amazing. I am going to be truly happy. I just have to go with the flow. Nothing can ruin it. I know, I'm gonna have more terrible days but it will not last forever. Everything is temporary.

Choco's blah blah.

I fake a smile and they think I'm rejoicing. 

I laugh and they think everything is alright.

They'll never know how I survived last night.

I've promised and I'll be trying.

No matter how worse things get, I'll be fighting.

"You have really pretty eyes and an adorable smile, you should smile more often."

Sometimes people forget that the prettiest eyes hide the darkest lies and those eyes have shed more tears than any. Same goes with the smile. The saddest person has the most amazing smile. You know when you look into certain people's eye. You'll find a weird glow. The way they glitter is just amusing sometimes. Well, at least I find it amusing but may be that's what you call "sad eyes"? I have been told that I have "sad eyes" and I have know idea what does it mean but, blah, I don't know.. You just feel like the person is sad or something has been eating them up, you know? Well, I don't really look into people's eye anymore 'cause it makes me feel like they'll know everything that I've been hiding and I'll burst into tears.  

Anyways, ta-daa! I'm still alive. Breathing, smiling, laughing, jumping, dancing and singing too.. xD Just in case you are not aware of the fact that I  am in college now. And I cleared my 1st semester. :) Looking forward to 2nd semester and stuffs. 

Secrets, truth and love(Answer of all your questions that you have been asking me) Part-1

So, so, it's been ages since I've written anything personal on this blog.. been writing poems but they never made any sense. And, you all wanted to know that why I write such dark stuffs. Why I've been acting like this since past 2 years. I'm not lying but trust me, I wasn't knowing the answer either but now I know, and I'm not scared to write everything and anything on here. And like most of you have been thinking it since the beginning, it was "Love" 

But, my version of "love" is a little different then yours. For me, love's my childhood memories that makes me smile, love's the sweet feeling that I had when I was in kindergarten and had a friend who used to share chocolates with me, love's when I used to miss him whenever he had missed the school. Love's passing by his old house and hoping to see him coming out of his house even after knowing that he has moved to another place. 

It was love when I used to ask my mom to make me a drawing. Love's my dad picking me and my brother up from the school in his bike and buying us ice cream. Love's good, love's bad. Love's me wishing to disappear when 2 most important people in my life were fighting. Love's growing up. Love's learning. Love's wishing to be Cinderella, Love's having hundreds of ambitions at the age of 11. Love's crushing on my classmate. Love's crying at nights at the thought of your friends leaving the school and especially your crush leaving the school. :P

Love's my pokemon craze that I used to have. Love's aiming to be perfect at something. Love's looking at the childhood pictures. Love's seeing the pictures of my dadu(grandpa) letting me eat the whole chocolates.  Love's me asking my parents to get me a rabbit or parrot again.

Love's the time when I met new people and made new friends, Love's the time when I and mom had tears in our eyes after knowing that dad has got diabetes. Love's when my heart started beating faster to see my senior. Love's me and him staring at each other at his fuel station. Love's me and him parking our scooties together.

Love's him leaving some space at the parking stand so that I could park my scooty right next to his. Love's waiting for him after school. Love's saying everything through eyes. Love's him and I staring at each other from our stalls and a romantic song being played in the background :P Love's seeing him in my dreams! :o

Love's when I got internet connection and I met a few people. Love's the feeling that I had when I met my uncle after 13 years.. Love's me meeting my aunty and my cousins for the first time. Love's me hugging my cousin brother for 1st and last time when he was leaving. Love's me hoping the time to stop. Love's when I missed my closest buddy's birthday for my aunty's surgery. Love's letting my little cousin sister ruin my drawing book.

Love's when my friends became sad to know that I have ovarian tumor(cancer)..(I don't have it btw, it's just a cyst, doctors had some confusion which was sorted out later) Love's when I saw my dad sad. It was love that made my dad sad. I cannot see my dad being sad. I would never like to see him sad ever again,

It was love when my best friend wished to die before me.. Love to me is feeling that something wrong's going to happen. Love's when you get tears in your eyes for no reason and it starts suffocating you. Love's when I wanted to go and visit her in the hospital but my parents didn't let me too 'cause they were too scared about me. Love's when me and other people were praying for her. Love's when we all wanted to give a few days from our life to her. Love's the feeling of relief that we had after knowing that she was recovering. Love's the time when I thought it was a joke when they told me that she had died. 

Love's me trying to cry in the shower. Love's when I cried my eyes out when our school principal started talking about her. Love's the guilt that I still have in my heart. Love's me crying the whole day and not getting out of bedroom and not eating anything at all. It was love of parents when they didn't let me to go to her funeral. It's love which made me think that it was a nightmare. It's love that made me to start disliking myself and my parents.. Love helped me to move on. Love still brings tear in my eyes because I miss her. Love made me to write. Love's made me to create this blog. 

Love made my mom to get mad at me. Yes, it was love when she was yelling at me. Love's the time when she's beating me so that I never choose the wrong path. Love's in spending time with my amazing pals. Love's in getting good marks at exams. Love's in every attachment. Love's in my school, my subject, my friends, my teachers, even in those road crashes that I have survived. Love's in turning 16, love's in writing, Love's in meeting people on here, love made me to try to kill myself, love has saved me..

Love can give you pleasure, love can give you pain.

P.S. It's not complete yet..will be posting the second part soon :)