What do I say?

It's neither black nor white,
it's a shade of grey for the first time.
What do I say? 
I finally feel okay knowing,
it takes some time to fix the broken,
and there's nothing wrong in idly greeting the oblivion.

There's literally nothing much to say,
while I'm still looking for a way.
What do I say? 
I have a pocketful of flowery dreams,
that matches the different shades of hues,
amidst my weary blues.

People change like weather,
And the dust dances against its nature.
What do I say? 
It's not what I desired but,
There's something about this moment tonight,
that tell's me, "We are going to be alright"

It's neither good nor bad,
It's something that doesn't make me upset.
What do I say?
My head sometimes feel heavier,
and honestly, it's like I have given up,
but sometimes I wonder if this is how you feel when you have grown up.

Do what you think is right.

A part of my Online Life

The act of kindness shouldn't be limited to giving money and stuff. You need to give away love as well because the world is full of hate and cruelity. You don't know, who is having a bad day. You don't know who is thinking of ending their life. Even at this very moment while you're reading this, you're surrounded by people who are sad and may be they're standing at the edge. I've come across such people. I know people who hate themselves and who think of dying all the time. These people are out of love. Since I spent most of my teenage years(I'm still 19) at home, online. I befriended a lot of people from different countries. 

I have this friend. Her name is Diana. She turned 18 recently. She is suicidal. Often people stepback and tiptoe when they hear the word "suicidal" or "depression" but I don't and there's a good reason.. because sadly, I can relate to how she feels 24x7.

I met Diana on tumblr. I came across her blog and I followed her. She was upset and I would ask her to stay strong and when I got upset she would tell me the same. We decided to get on skype and we started to skype.

If you look at her, you won't believe that she is suicidal. But that's how people are. They are good at hidding. I wanted to help her and I knew that somewhere deep down, she wanted to help herself as well so I kept pushing her to get help since we lived in different countries and I couldn't do much to save her. 

One night, we were on skype and she was holding a paper which had suicide and selfharm 24x7 helplines. She was shaking and she was scared and I made her to do it. I asked her to do it for herself, her best friends, her family and me.. She did it. I was there all the time when she was talking on the phone. She didn't say all the things but she felt better. A couple of weeks later, she spoke to her mum and her mum took her to the pysch. She was diagonised with depression. 

I was proud of her because she helped herself and may be the reason why I could help her was because I've experienced the pain you're left with when your best friend commits suicide.. My best friend was a saviour. 

Oh well, do you know what Diana told me after meeting her psych and getting on medication and therapy and stuff? She said, "Babe, I wouldn't be alive if it weren't you. You made me do it. You helped me. You've saved my life." What else could be better than knowing that you saved a life? People need help. Look around and spread the love, save a life. It'll bring you the greatest joy. A small act of love and kindness can do magical things.

As you grow old, your heart starts to shrink. The love and warmth in you starts to die. And may be when people see the innocence in you, they ask you not to let that innocence die. Grown ups are selfish and silly and may be that's the reason I never wanted to grow up. They forget to care, they forget to be kind, they forget to stop and ask "how you are?".. They forget to ask your needs, They forget to respect others. They forget their integrity in the blinding light of power and fame. They forget that the things that bring a smile on their face, might as well bring tears in someone else's eyes.  I really hope the child in me stays alive for a long time and I keep doing such right things.

I am sharing my Do Right Stories at BlogAdda.com in association with Tata Capital.

"I'm torn.."

I'm torn, 
between the thoughts, 
of letting go 
and holding on for a little longer.
I'm torn, 
between the thoughts 
of going with the flow  
and starting it all over again.
I'm torn,
between the thoughts
of dying
and staying alive.
I'm torn, 
between the dreams 
where I find death scary
and the reality where I don't wanna live.
I'm torn,
between the person
people think I am
and the person I really am.

Hope.

"What is it? Why are you not telling me?" He sighed as he placed his hand on hers and held it tight. "..You know that I care about you right? I can't see you like this.. Dying inside slowly, every second. It kills me.."

Everything was quiet. The silence filled their hearts. Her best friend knew that she was hiding something. Everything was not fine in her life. She looked at the sky and let a deep sigh escape her lips as she tried to hold back the tears that were glittering in her eyes. "Okay, let me try put this into words and then we won't talk about this again" Her voice was trembling now. "I feel like I have the literal weight of the world on my chest and every so often nowadays, that brings me down, a lot. It is exhausting to feel a physical weight pulling you down. I think of my future and I do not foresee myself getting to 60 or dying of old age. I fear for my future.. because there's a part of me which affirms that I will be like this for the rest of my years. This is a reoccurring thought which spirals my emotions out of control. I break down and that lethargy sticks with me.  When I think about suicide and self harm in the most elaborate manner, I cry because I fear for myself and how much little control I have... When I cant shed tears, it feels even worse. Like the whole world is gonna cave in and there's nothing I can do. I think, talking to people is tiring, even though everyone is nice and I feel bad about it. I think having to face people is tiring. I think there is no such thing as love and that this world is a terrible place to be in." She closed her eyes and the tears rolled down her cheeks. She sniffed and wiped her tears. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have.. That was just really stupid"

He wasn't surprised. He knew it but he was glad that she finally spoke up. He didn't smile. He didn't frown. He squeezed her hand a little and said, "Hey, don't say that. It wasn't stupid. It's fine." She looked numb.  
He looked at her and then looked at stars which were giving life to the sky. He continued, "You know that there are a lot of people like you and  I, right? And people like you and I, feel the same. We can't see our futures. We all fear that we wont be be alright, we're going to remain the same. We don't see love even when people are trying to make us feel loved. And that's probably because the people who're trying to make us feel loved are out of love, heart broken or empty. May be someday we all will meet or find someone who is full of love, who isn't heart broken or empty. May be someday we'll feel loved. But we're not sure. The world is a terribly sad place. Some people are strong enough to face it and cope with it. But for people like you and I, it's difficult." 
Now, she was staring at the stars too while he was speaking. "I feel tired as well. I want to talk to people but at the same time I don't. I appreciate that you and a couple of other people are trying to help me or feel better but I just can't. And I know that you appreciate it as well. And you can't feel better either. We just have to try really hard to keep ourselves numb so that we don't breakdown but I also know that it's not possible all the time... But still I want you to know that I'm here and I understand and I need you to keep trying even if you see no hope. I love you.."
They both didn't say anything for a long time. They had reached the stage in their friendship where even silence was comfortable. She rested her head on his shoulder and the silence spoke for them. They both felt the same. Hope keeps us going. Hope keeps us alive. Hope is something that we need when nothing seems right.