Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Oh hey, friend. Is it ok, to call you a friend? Um, let me just call you "friend" here in this post because there's something I need to tell you.

So I've been trying to be myself. I'm being myself but I've been more quiet recently and there's this weird fear and anxiety which is dwelling inside me and it's eating me up from the inside. I laugh when there's something to laugh about, I smile back when someone smiles at me. I wave "hi" and "goodbye" to my batchmates when they pass by and sometimes I even have small conversation with them. But here's the thing about small conversations. They are small and they end in a blink of an eye. 

Anyways, I know that you think that I'm "fine" and that there's nothing wrong with me but how come there are so many people who can see the sadness of my face. I'm not saying that I purposely keep a frowning face. I don't. But it's just my face that looks frowny and dull now. And let me quote something that was said to me by one of the trainers from my college. She said, "You look so dull and in pain. Is there something wrong? It feels like, like.. there's something.. some sort of burden or pain that you're carrying.. Are you alright? You are so young.. you shouldn't be this sad. Please if there's anything, please come to me and talk to me if you need someone to talk to me." 

The same thing was said to me by another co-ordinator of the TNP department of my college on the same freaking day. Woah! I must be such a good actor, no? Nothing scares me more than knowing that someone knows that I'm not okay. Sometimes, I want them to know that I'm not okay but that means I will have a hard time telling a lie and my voice will crack and I usually feel choked when people notice that I'm not okay. 

Right now I'm sick. (I wonder if it's because I haven't talked to you because usually that's what happens to me but don't worry. I will be alright. And I really hope it's not because of you) A regular/general doctor who actually delivered me almost 21 years ago.. can tell that I'm stressed and depressed and I'm standing on the edge. The way she told not to get so depressed and stressed was scary. 

I even had a few of my batchmates who asked me the same questions.. It's all so clearly visible on face and I can't even hide it anymore but you refuse to see it or believe and what have you done? You gave up on me.. After all this time, after knowing all of my secrets and past memories and feelings, this is what I get. I believe, I never should've trusted you. It's all of my fault. I can't believe I'm wasting another night writing about you.

God, I wish you knew that I wasn't being dramatic and I'm actually depressed and having a bad phase and this isn't normal. This is not a feeling or thought that can be forgotten over a night's sleep. I wake up wanting to be dead. That's how fucked up I feel but nope, it's all drama, right my dear "friend"?

Saturday, September 27, 2014

"How do I tell you.."

So, it's another bad night,
But you won't understand.
The absurd thoughts of day, 
Are finally making sense.

Words are more sincere, 
When my loved ones are asleep.
I wish I could explain the way my bones ache, 
A wish to end it all is running in my veins.

How do I tell you that I can't think of anything else?
How do I tell you that I'm so tired of being overwhelmed?
How do I tell you that I'm so tired and I want to sleep?
How do I tell you that I want to sleep but I don't want to wake up?
How do I tell you that I hate having to wake up and go through this again?
How do I tell you that I hate not being able to conceal the sadness of my face?

Thursday, September 18, 2014

A beautiful friend

When you're a teenager, every little crisis feels like the end of the world. You don't feel like existing anymore. Life seems so twisted and we keep making terrible decisions. It happens to everyone.

'I don't wanna live anymore.'

Fought with best friend?
'The world can stop spinning now.'

Parents don't understand?
'Why did they even brought me in this world?'

Crush has a crush on a terrible person?
'Why does it always happen to me?'

When you're a teenager, you feel like the only person who understands is your friend. I felt the same. Actually I didn't but I always had friends who cared a lot for me. Like seriously a lot. And it felt good to know that there were people who made you happy and who made you forget all your worries. I had people who'd do anything to make me feel happy again and that included cussing their crush because they hurt me and attending my birthday party even when they have a sick mum at home who had a minor operation two days ago. I was blessed to have friends like them. I know that not everyone has friends. 

Exactly five years ago, on September 18th, one of my best friends took her last breath on her death bed. She tried to kill herself, she was in hospital for around 20 days. She had major burn injuries. She was recovering but something happened and she couldn't take the pain anymore. I still remember every single detail of the day. How I got the terrible news of her suicide attempt and the day when our Chemistry teacher told us in our Morning tution that she couldn't make it. I remember wishing it was a terrible joke or rumor. I remember calling up my other friends and telling her about our dead friend. I remember trying to cry in the shower but I couldn't cry. I didn't cry until the principal started talking about her. I think I cried all day long. 

For a long time, I felt guilty for not telling her how much she meant to me. I felt guilty for not visiting her in the hospital. I felt guilty for not making it to the funeral. I was also amazed how everyone else was "normal" again. As if she never existed in our lives but I think we still did talk about her. We even saw her in our dreams sometimes and we'd talk about it the next day in school. I wonder if anyone still remembers this day. Maybe not. 

I always write about her on this day. I don't know why. I think because she was like a lucky charm for me or may be because when I found about tumor(it was a misdiagnose), she said "hey, you're going to live long. I hope God gives you all of my days". She said that a week before her suicide attempt. She had the most beautiful smile. She was strong and crazy and stupid.

I miss my beautiful friend. Her death did change me and my life. I didn't have my lucky charm and I suddenly started to lose my other friends, got more depressed, performed poorly in exams, argued with family, blamed myself for her death and what not. Like I said in the very beginning of this post, when you're a teenager, every little crisis feels like the end of the world. But this wasn't any little crisis. I lost a friend and she was never coming back. 

I try to save as many lives as I can. I know what depression is, I know what it feels like when you want to die. I want people to know that they are important and that I love them. I make sure that they know that I love them. If you read me, if you think of me, if you've ever made me smile, if you've ever helped me, I love you. Thank you for existing. Please don't kill yourself. Things will get better for you. If it didn't get better, you'll at least have enough strength to deal with it. 

Sunday, September 14, 2014

There was a time when I used to write because I didn't feel happy/good/comfortable/content but now things have changed or should I say that I have changed. I have changed because now I can't speak or write when I'm low. I just stay quiet because the words are stuck in my throat and in my head and I can't even spill them out on a paper.

What can I tell you? How do I tell you? I'm not happy. It's been such a long time and I haven't been happy and things haven't been okay but it helps when I tell people that I'm not sad and things are okay. It's easier to say that and it doesn't make things worse for me so it's all good I believe.

I tried to tell my closest friends about how I felt but they dismissed the conversation. They shut me up by saying that what I felt was normal and that I was being dramatic. I knew that I'd break down one day if I bottled up my feelings/thoughts/pain for too long and that's what happened. I broke down.

I'm still not fine. I'm still trying to recover. I'm angry and tired and yes I want to cry it all out and sleep. I want to let go of it. I have to be okay and function like a normal human who doesn't have depression and who isn't suicidal.

My closest friends refused to believe that I wasn't okay and on the other hand at college, after trying so hard to keep a smiling face and laugh and make others laugh, they still caught me. They can see that I'm sad and I'm not okay. It happened during a mock interview feedback. My teachers who barely know me can see it. I was asked again and again if I have an issue or am I going through a bad phase.. They said, "it feels like you are carrying a bad pain or burden or something with you that's weighing you down. You are so young. You don't need to be so sad. Please talk to me. Come to me whenever you're free and talk to me. What is it?" That was one scary moment. I didn't want anyone to know that something is wrong with me and I haven't been able to hide that anymore and it's frustrating.

I used to have a friend. I don't have that friend anymore. It doesn't feel the same anymore. I'm scared to talk to him. It matters less if I don't talk to him. The only thing that matters is the fact that he doesn't care. And yes he did say that he didn't care. He had some sort of complaint. He said two things:
"You like the idea of having me" and "You're keeping me just in case, no one likes you back." 
Things are not okay between us anymore and I want to walk away. I even tried to end it. He doesn't make me feel better any way because I know that he doesn't care and there's a huge difference between us now. I think I don't care about him anymore either. I don't know why I still wish that he cared.. I'm hoping for miracle but I wonder if I'll forgive him. We still talk and I still pretend that I forgave him but there's something that kills me. Something that hurts and it's mostly because of him and his words. God, how can I be so stupid? How can I do this? I honestly did think that he was different. And he wanted to be in the "friendzone" but he also wanted us to be something more when we actually meet up. He said he cared. He said he'd never give up and after five freaking years, this is how it ends. 

I'll meet new people. I know that. I'll meet people who are better than him. I know that I deserve better. I'm not a bad person. 

I know that I'll get in trouble if someone from college reads it. The blog is synced with my facebook so I guess someone will read it but I really hope they don't. If you're from my college and if you've read it please don't mention it to me or anyone else. I don't want to talk about it. It's exhausting. Things will get better. I will get better as well.