5 seconds of insanity

I never thought of talking to him before until one day when my friends made me add him on facebook. You can call it 5 seconds of insanity that I went on his profile and clicked on "Add friend" and the fear crawled up with thousands of "what if" questions. I canceled the request. In no time, I got a friend request. It was him. I accepted the friend request and logged out. I couldn't stop thinking about what I just did. 

30 minutes later, it was 1:20 AM now, I decided to login again. I had a message notification and it was from him but he wasn't online.

"Hi"
"Hi! Sorry, my internet stopped working."

About a minute later, he was online again.

"That's okay. It's good to finally talk to you." 
Jesus Christ! I'm finally talking to him. "Ah, same here.", I replied.

"How come you messaged me today?"
Gah, how do I tell him that I added him but freaked out? "Actually, You were on the suggestion lists on my FB sidebar. We have mutual friends so I wanted to click on the mutual friends list but I accidentally clicked on 'Add friend' and then freaked out thinking maybe you wouldn't like it so I cancelled it."

"Oh. And I thought that you searched for my profile and then added me but I guess I wrong.. This was accidental.. :("
"No, no. I just.. I didn't know your real name. Everyone calls you by your nickname. If I knew your real name, I would have added you..", I lied.

"Ah so you recognized me by my face.. my profile picture?"
"Yes."

"Like, 'Ah he looks like an idiot. It must be him.'"
"Omg, no."

"Aahahaha, I'm kidding. Why were you so scared in the first place? Why wouldn't I like it if you added me? Thank God, I was messing with my phone and was logged in or else I would have missed this chance"
"Haha, I'm glad too. :)"

"I'm so happy to talk to you. I've always wanted to talk to you. I tried several times but couldn't pick up the courage."  
Ehhh. Is this really happening? "I've always wanted to talk to you as well, but most of the times you looked angry and I thought maybe you don't like me and that's why I freaked out and canceled the request."

"Even if I looked angry, I wasn't angry at you.. and why would I dislike you? You're so sweet and beautiful. I really like you."
I couldn't stop smiling. I replied, "I like you too. :) :)"

We stayed up the entire night and talked. It was the best night of 2015. Everything changed after that night.

Love

You’re insane if you love someone more than they love you. 

You’re insane if you are looking for love at the wrong places.
You’re insane if someone loves you but you don’t appreciate it.
You’re insane if you can’t feel anyone’s love for you at all. 
You’re insane if you don’t love anyone at all. 
You’re insane if you think you can’t be loved.
You’re insane if you just love the idea of someone.
You’re insane if you can’t tell whether you really love someone or just the idea of them.
But it’s okay. Love makes us all insane.

December 12th wasn't a bad day.

So, what does a good day feel like? Do you feel like it's a good day when you wake up? Does life give you hints that something good is about to happen? You never know which is the good day or the bad day until it happens. It's just one moment that decides or makes things good and bad. If I had not forced myself out of my bed today then it wouldn't have happened. I don't know what got into me today that I got out of my bed, dressed up, and went to college for the interview and didn't walk out saying "It's a waste of time(It was kind of waste of time though)." 

I wanted to prove something. I wanted to do it for myself and I did it but I'm not entirely satisfied. I believe that I'm lucky enough that very few people turned up for the interview. The placement department was expecting around 100 students but barely 65 showed up, among which a few students walked out because they were not interested or thought that they were too cool for the job. I felt like I could make it so I stayed and made a friend stay with me as well. We did the HR round(Earlier I wasn't aware that we were only going to have the HR round so I was ready for the written as well) and we both got selected. Actually all the girl candidates got selected so weeeeee. Nah. We only had the HR round and there was nothing technical or core knowledge involved. 

The interviewer only wanted to check the communication skills for the girls because it's a backend job. Some were bad and I wasn't great either(I hate to talk and I suck at it) but I managed to impress him somehow and I'm bloody sure that I impressed him because he made me say something(that I already told him when he asked me about my views on the "current scenario of freshers in India" in the HR round.)  in group chat with other girl candidates and he said that I was absolutely right. YAY.

Okay so I didn't have to do the written test, group discussions, technical interviews and whole bunch of other selection process except the HR round and I got selected with everyone else but you know what makes me happy? I stood out in the crowd. I was different. I made mistake like everyone else but I was different and I got noticed. I feel better about myself now like I can do something. And maybe I'm as bad as I think I am. I feel better. But here's the thing, I won't be doing this job. Yup, I'm not travelling to Gurgaon to work in the backend for a 10k Salary. I can earn more than that in my own state and do something better than that. I wanna do something in which I can improve, learn and grow.. something that makes me happy. I don't want the easy way out.

The other reasons why I'm not joining the company is because my parents don't want me to go to gurgaon. They are pretty much scared by the recent rape incidents. And the expenses yes, I don't want my parents to pay for my stay and food and other things. They have given me enough and now it's my turn to give them back. But before that, I need to get a job(eh). Hopefully I'll get one.

If it makes you feel better..

If it makes you feel any better,

I'll keep myself from speaking of death,

and how my absence would make this place a better place.

I'll make myself smile during the long screwed up nights, 

just to keep myself sane.

I'll let my head sleep when it feels too tired to exist.

I'll let you be my happy pill that cures the sadness in me.

I'll stop painting my sleeves red.

I'll do it all, darling, if it makes you feel any better.

But just in case I failed,

I'd leave you a last note with tear and ink stains,

Just to tell you that I tried my best,

And hope you understand that this was never in my hands.

Why would you come back?

Why would you come back in her life after 
breaking her down into a thousand pieces?
Why would you want her back and tell her that you care,
if you've still kept the doors of your life shut?
Why would you do this?
She is unmendable and if you hurt her more now,
it will only burn her down to ashes;
And she will be carried away by the strong wind, 
leaving behind, no traces of her existence.
Is that what you want?
But why would you want that?
Why would you come back and hurt her again?

There was a time when I used to write because I didn't feel happy/good/comfortable/content but now things have changed or should I say that I have changed. I have changed because now I can't speak or write when I'm low. I just stay quiet because the words are stuck in my throat and in my head and I can't even spill them out on a paper.

What can I tell you? How do I tell you? I'm not happy. It's been such a long time and I haven't been happy and things haven't been okay but it helps when I tell people that I'm not sad and things are okay. It's easier to say that and it doesn't make things worse for me so it's all good I believe.

I tried to tell my closest friends about how I felt but they dismissed the conversation. They shut me up by saying that what I felt was normal and that I was being dramatic. I knew that I'd break down one day if I bottled up my feelings/thoughts/pain for too long and that's what happened. I broke down.

I'm still not fine. I'm still trying to recover. I'm angry and tired and yes I want to cry it all out and sleep. I want to let go of it. I have to be okay and function like a normal human who doesn't have depression and who isn't suicidal.

My closest friends refused to believe that I wasn't okay and on the other hand at college, after trying so hard to keep a smiling face and laugh and make others laugh, they still caught me. They can see that I'm sad and I'm not okay. It happened during a mock interview feedback. My teachers who barely know me can see it. I was asked again and again if I have an issue or am I going through a bad phase.. They said, "it feels like you are carrying a bad pain or burden or something with you that's weighing you down. You are so young. You don't need to be so sad. Please talk to me. Come to me whenever you're free and talk to me. What is it?" That was one scary moment. I didn't want anyone to know that something is wrong with me and I haven't been able to hide that anymore and it's frustrating.

I used to have a friend. I don't have that friend anymore. It doesn't feel the same anymore. I'm scared to talk to him. It matters less if I don't talk to him. The only thing that matters is the fact that he doesn't care. And yes he did say that he didn't care. He had some sort of complaint. He said two things:
"You like the idea of having me" and "You're keeping me just in case, no one likes you back." 
Things are not okay between us anymore and I want to walk away. I even tried to end it. He doesn't make me feel better any way because I know that he doesn't care and there's a huge difference between us now. I think I don't care about him anymore either. I don't know why I still wish that he cared.. I'm hoping for miracle but I wonder if I'll forgive him. We still talk and I still pretend that I forgave him but there's something that kills me. Something that hurts and it's mostly because of him and his words. God, how can I be so stupid? How can I do this? I honestly did think that he was different. And he wanted to be in the "friendzone" but he also wanted us to be something more when we actually meet up. He said he cared. He said he'd never give up and after five freaking years, this is how it ends. 

I'll meet new people. I know that. I'll meet people who are better than him. I know that I deserve better. I'm not a bad person. 

I know that I'll get in trouble if someone from college reads it. The blog is synced with my facebook so I guess someone will read it but I really hope they don't. If you're from my college and if you've read it please don't mention it to me or anyone else. I don't want to talk about it. It's exhausting. Things will get better. I will get better as well.

You wake up every morning because you have to.

It's just one of those nights, 

where you just want to break down. 

You're so tired of the falls and failures.

You want to talk but feel too exhausted to speak.

You just want to sleep and never wake up. 

Maybe sleeping for 365 days straight would help, 

getting over this feeling? 

When was the last time you shared, 

something really personal with someone you trust? 

You stand still while your relations get covered, 

by a layer of dust.

Maybe the reason why you didn't share, 

the recent bad experience with people is because, 

you're afraid that they'd leave you as well. 

Maybe you're just sick of seeing everyone leave. 

Quite perceptible that it kills you. 

The anger burns you.

And your fears paralyse you.

Yet, you wake up every morning because you have to.

We humans are the biggest liars and hypocrites when it comes to accepting our feelings. When we try to befriend a person online, we convince ourselves that the person is real but when we start to fall in love with the same person, we start convincing ourselves that it's not real. Nothing about the person, or the feeling is real. 

It hurts

It hurts that you don't know.
It hurts that I've done it again,
And already falling for you every second.
It hurts that you like me
but you don't love me.
It hurts that you like my eyes and smile
but it's not something that makes you happy.
It hurts that I'm thinking about you so much 
these days and you have no idea about it.

Free

I want to be free.

In the most innocent yet wildest sense,

I want to be free.

I don't want to be bound,

By complicated relationships, absurd life goals, 

Or any haunting past memories,

That does nothing but makes me more insane,

With every passing second.

I want to be free.

Like the deep oceans and the cold night wind,

I want to be free.

I want to sing, dance and feel infinity.

And as crazy as it sounds,

I want to burn my body down,

And rise again from the ground.

I want to be free.

I want to break free from this skin;

Break free from the emptiness and numbness both at once;

Break free from the pain and depression,

That controlled my life for all these years.

I want to be free.

Free like a shooting star, 

Escaping the darkness of the night.

Free like a soaring kite, 

Playing hide and seek with the clouds in the sky.

Labyrinth of suffering

The night makes her vulnerable,

And the smile refuses to fool other people.

All of her broken pieces glued together start to fall apart,

And the paralyzing pain start to stab the heart.

The secrets get ready to spill out of her eyes,

As she starts to paste a story full of sweet lies.

Some nights, she laughs too much and then starts to cry.

The fears crawl up and she questions "why?"

She'd like to live but she'd also like die for sure;

Apparently, she's not sure of what she craves more.

As this absurd thought escapes the darkest corner of her mind,

She instantly goes blind.

People who believe that she's blessed,

Certainly have no idea that she's full of self hatred.

She's struggling between the thought of wanting, 

Someone to hold her and tell her that it's alright.

And the thought of putting an end to this labyrinth of suffering,

Right here tonight.

"Every night.."

Every night the sadness, 

Overpowers the sanity in her.

She lies paralyzed in the cold bed,

As the sadness carves out a void in her chest.

She says, "Things seem better when I'm not awake."

Someone hug her tight and prove her wrong for God's sake.

After all this time of,  
Wanting to be someone, 
Who mattered, 
Or someone who made, 
A difference in people's lives, 
I've come to the realization that,
I’m not important, 
I do not matter, 
I do not make any difference, 
In anyone's life.
I am not special.

Do you?

Do you smile or grimace,

when you see my name flashing, 

on your phone screen?

Do you think about me,

as much as I think about you,

when I wake up and fall back asleep?

Do you like my company,

or wish to be left alone,

when things start to fall apart?

Do you find me,

annoying or wonderful when,

I tell you about my day?

Do you miss me,

when we are not talking?

Do you wish we could be something, 
more than what we are now?
Do you wish we lived closer,
so we could know each better?

It's been such a long time since I wrote anything really nice and good. Apparently, writing out all the emotions doesn't help either. I want to create something really beautiful but I haven't been able to do that. Things are extremely messy right now. 

Although I'm not prepared for the exams but I'm desperately waiting for the exams so I can do something else. And right now, since the exams have been postponed for an unspecified duration., I have started on my vocational training but I can't completely focus on that either. I've got a lot of things to do but I can't. Not even the things that I enjoy, the things that make me feel better and that is pretty stressful. I want to read a couple of books, I want to paint a picture, I want to write, I want to study, I want to start talking to some of my old friends again,  I want to Skype with my online friends and the stress isn't letting me to do anything. It's rather frustrating. 

I'm worried about so many stuffs at the moment and I honestly feel too weak and alone to handle it. Dad's sickness, mum's extra workload, exams(CSVTU scams), training, my own sickness, glaucoma and PCOS. And I really wish my friends could understand that. If I were at school right now, my school friends would have probably figured it out by now and probably would have done something to make me feel better. But this is life. Everyone leaves. Your friends leave too and you have to live on your own and I am living on my own. 

I can handle it pretty well during the day. The thoughts don't make me go crazy during the day but at 1 AM these thoughts make my bones ache and my stomach rumble, making me want to throw up right away or just pop all the pills at once and put an end to this. I have also found myself a little desperate for actual human care. I want someone to get worried when I'm not talking or texting them. I want someone to notice my absence. I want to be someone's favorite person and important person. I don't want to be taken for granted anymore but I also don't want any forced friendship with certain people. I wonder why am I not important for any of my friends though.

I'm that friend to whom people text when they can't sleep not because they are thinking about me or know that I can fix their trouble just through a conversation. They text me because they know that the only person who stays up late all the time is me.

A voice is screaming in her head,

Struggling to break free, 

and get lost in the air.

It's once again, 

hard to figure out,

whether it's pain or fear.

Eyes are tired, 

of holding back the tears,

that've been trapped, 

with all the unhealthy emotions.

Overwhelmed by her own feelings,

She wishes to escape to a place,

and feel numb again.

Digging her nails,

into her own skin,

She's hoping for the physical pain, 

to overcome the emotional pain.

It's starting to get bad again,

She's falling into the darkest hole,

that's been created in her own head.

Not enough.

She is that wounded person,

who has been trying, 

to protect and fix, 

everything for everyone;

because she knows,

how it feels when everything,

falls apart.

But that's not enough.

She is being their warm, 

and safe duvet trying ,

to put everyone back to sleep; 

keeping them from, 

screaming in horror,

while the monsters of the night,

fill the room with,

chilled daunting aura.

But that's not enough.

She holds their hand when,

they decide to start all over again. 

But that's not enough. 

She has been taking, 

their cuts and scratches, 

and sucking up the poison, 

but that's not enough. 

Nothing she does is enough. 

Someone make her stop.

Life is too short to live for, 

someone who doesn't care.

She is running out strength. 

She is running out of hope.

She is running out of love. 

She is running out of air.

She can't do it anymore,

Someone do her a favor,

Give her back her smile,

and bring her back to her life.

State of mind.

Detaching   while   seeking   attachment,

Smiling   while   hiding  the     sadness,

Suffocating while gulping down the pain,

Fidgeting while trying to move forward,

And carry on with life without any companion.

Another night with worthless thoughts.

Another lie     coated   with bitter truth.

Another insomniac with horrifying past and unpleasant present.

Another   page   of      unwritten  words,

Stating   the   state   of   mind.

Things   are   not   exactly   okay,

Even   though   they   look   like it.

Morbid fascination with self destruction,

Never     helped    the    undying,

Nauseous     feeling.

Love.

I  wonder  how                    it feels to love 
someone     and   to  be          loved by   them   back. 

I wonder how you can  love    someone so much that you
can't  imagine a second without  them. I wonder how love can 
make  someone  to give up  everything   for  that one person.

I wonder how  love can  make  this world a  beautiful place 
to    live. I   wonder how   just one   person  can make you 
feel    so wonderful       and   complete  when   you are 
with    them.   I   wonder         how  lovers  feel.  I 
wonder    if     I'd    able  to    love  someone

enough    to   feel    all  of      those 
things. I  wonder  if    I'll ever 
meet someone who will
  love  me that much 

and more.
-S.M.

What I don't want

I don't want another "No"

I don't want another,

"I don't want to talk to you"

I don't want another,

"You are too nice"

I don't want another,

"You are too sweet"

I don't want another,

"You are too far away"

But this is exactly what I don't want.

It's another "You are too far away"

It's another "You are too sweet"

It's another "You are too nice"

It's another "I don't want to talk to you"

Yes, it's just another "No"