I always speak of bad nights. How would you define a bad night? Different people define a "bad night" differently. If you're going somewhere at night and your car breaks down, it's a bad night. If you have certain plans for the night and you have to cancel it for some reason, it's a bad night. If a loved one falls sick, meets an accident or dies, it's a bad night. So a bad incident makes a night, a bad night.

For me, almost every night is a bad night. Tonight is a bad night as well. It's been a while since I had a good night. I don't even remember when did the last good night happened to me. Maybe the last good night happened 8 years ago? I don't know. I don't remember. I have been having trouble falling asleep at night and I hate that the most. I have been thinking about things. Several terrifying things one of which is losing my dad because of his sickness. I cannot tell how many days he has but I really want those days to be more than the days I've lived so far and the days that I'm going to live in the future. I don't want to see a world without him or without my mum. God, I hate growing up. Our parents grow old with us and I think that's the worst part because eventually their existence will come to an end. 

My mum thinks that I do pointless things at night when I don't sleep. She couldn't be more wrong but will she ever understand the things that have been troubling me and what's keeping me awake? Dad's sickness, unwanted responsibility, college, exams, freaking interviews that I have been failing, my own freaking personality that I hate so much. No she won't. 

I've decided that I won't chase happiness anymore because I'm not meant to be happy and loved. I wanted to be happy.. Completely happy and that hasn't happened. I have tried to laugh and smile without feeling empty but that hasn't happened. I want to be loved but that hasn't happened either. I don't think I have chased love before.. and I'm not planning to do it either. I've always loved people more than they have loved me.. so I won't be doing that anymore.

There's a knot in my stomach and a void in my heart.

A storm in my head and words stuck in my throat.

God, I hate myself. I hate my very existence. My very pointless existence. I wish I could present it in a better a way, a beautiful poetic way. I hate every bit of myself, my skin, my bones, every single drop of my blood. Every bit of me that has made me, ME. I want to stop existing because my existence seems pointless to me. I don't see myself anywhere or with anyone. I'm broken and nothing can fix me. I'm beyond repair.  And I wish I could talk about it to a person who is close to me, or who feels right but I can't because they either don't understand it or get really scared. 

Skin.

Too dark, too thick

Too rough, too soft,

Too short, too chubby,

Too curvy and too ugly.

"Don't change yourself, you're beautiful" you say,

Then you go behind my back and laugh at appearance with them.

"Don't let the world bring you down" you say,

Then you go dig a hole and push me into it.

How do I forget all those labels?

How do I forget being visibly invisible?

How do I get it out of my system?

You words go deeper than you think.

Who are you to tell me how to wear my skin?

It's not yours, It's mine;

And your words cut it open and make me bleed.

Why can't you simply understand?

All I wanna do is feel comfortable in my skin.

Why do people find it okay to make fun of overweight people? Why do you have to give them labels? Why can't you just freaking call them by their names? Why "fatso", "fatty", "plumpy", "hippo" and "elephant"? If I am not someone who tops in every exam, I am just an ugly fatso according to most of the people. This is not what I wanted. I'm typing this out for the third time on my blog. You know I wanted to be this smart confident person but certain things bring me down and pull me back into the hopelessly exhausting bitter aura. How do you see the light when you are blinded by the darkness? I cannot feel comfortable in my own skin because people make it impossible to feel so.. 

Do I call you a match stick for being too thin? Do I make fun of you for being a guy with a really high pitched voice? Do I say things and make you feel ugly or unwanted? Do I make a comment about the dark color of your skin or the huge forehead that makes you look bald? Do I say anything about your height or acnes that you have on your face. To be honest I have honestly never seen an overweight person to make fun of someone else's physical appearance. Well at least I haven't done that and I won't ever do that. Because I am far better than that. I don't ever focus on what someone is wearing, what their hair looks like or what they look like? 

My life will honestly get 10 times better if people stopped calling me fat. I HAVE A BLOODY NAME. Why can you call me by name? I know that people from my college read my blog too but I wish my classmates and people I call my "friends" could read this as well. I'm sick of it. It makes me think too much and all that runs in my mind is the names that you give me. It makes me feel so weak, so pathetic and so worthless that it makes me want to die. I cannot forgive or forget anymore. I almost cried when I typed it out. I just want to disappear and I don't want to see anyone ever again. I feel helpless. And nothing can make me feel better.

You're the one who killed me.

Don’t you dare talk to me,
Don’t you dare shout at me,
Don’t you dare touch me again.
Once again, after all this time..
Don’t you dare make me feel worthless,
Don’t you dare act like you’re a superior being.
I wanna slit open my wrist,
And write on the walls of your room with my dripping blood
till I lose my consciousness.
Write about what a terrible person you are,
And how I've died a thousand before
Just because of the way you’ve treated me.
Mention all the names you've given me,
Mention how you undressed me with your obnoxious eyes,
Mention how you invaded and ruined my life 
with your vile intention when I was busy dreaming..
Just so the world can know,
I didn't kill myself,
You’re the one who killed me.

"It's hard when.."

It is hard when you know something's wrong,

But you can't fix it.

It's hard when you want to speak,

But you can't find the words.

It's hard when you want to be happy,

But you're pulled back into the emptiness.

It's hard when you're smiling,

Just so that people don't see anything wrong with you.

It's hard when you're trying to write down what you feel,

But when you read it back, it doesn't make any sense.

It's hard when you want to stay,

But you don't want to exist.

It's hard when you try to reach for help

But there's no one out there.

Someday the society will change.

They say, 
"Keep it to yourself,

And Hide,

Because what you see, 

And the way you see it,

is a travesty."

They say,
"Seal your lips,

Don't utter a word,

Because every word of yours

Will start a rebellion and that too,

Against you!"

They say,
"Keep faking a smile,

Don't let the frown show up on your face,

Because you're messed up,

You're a different being,

But you've to do everything to fit in."

Your virgin eyes and ears,

Have been through everything they could,

But how much a person can take,

And ignore the remarks they make?

Keep hoping, keeping wishing

Someday your misery will end,

Someday the society will change,

Accept everything that they find evil and strange.
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