Monday, May 14, 2012

I'm a strong girl and I know it but if I give up on life then please don't call me a coward.

Yeah I know everyone's talking about the show Satyamev Jayate and I am going to do the same. But, I just want to thank Aamir Khan from the bottom of my heart. I don't know if you're ever going to read this or find this but I really mean it.. I'm just another victim who had almost lost her voice long back. But you and every single person who were on the show gave me the courage to speak out. Thanks a lot. It means a lot. I don't know why. I am glad that I am not the only one who is going through this.

I was watching the show with my mum and my brother. After a while my brother walked outta room and I started crying. My mum walked over to me and asked what's wrong and hugged me. And all I said was, "Why didn't you believe me mum? I had told you earlier" He entered and I pointed my finger at him. I told her everything again. She asked him and he lied. (Jeez, I am getting tears again)

As usual he lied. I thought this time mum would believe me. But I guess she loves her son more. I feel more crappy and it hurts more now. It hurts when your parents don't believe you. The people who were on the show know how I feel. She said, "You're committing a sin by saying so about your own brother." I told her that She and her son are the ones who are committing sin. I am not regretting. I am glad that I said so. Because I know that I'm not wrong.

 I even mentioned it on twitter. Not the whole thing but a little bit. I feel like laughing at them. I love the way everyone pretends there. So, people on there were like "Stop CSA" "Speak out loud" "Raise your voice against it" "I salute people who have gone through it" When I tweeted that I have been through it. No one uttered a word. Shame on such people. I am not saying that it matters. I am just telling that how everyone's so fake.

There are few people who knew about it and who have been with me. Marko, Juan, Kenzie, Raed, Sunakshi Di, Shravan and Amey. I don't know if I missing anyone's name but oh well. There are more people who know about it but it's like we stopped talking after a while. But you know, after knowing about whatever has happened to me, if people stops talking to me then it's their loss not mine. I don't even expect people to talk to me and I don't know why. It just doesn't matter to me anymore.

This was the second time when I tried telling her. But she blamed me. She asked why I didn't try to stop? Well, the people who know about it had asked the same question to me. I guess my mum didn't listen to the victims properly.

"You know that whatever is happening to you is not right but your body, your heart, your mind and even your soul gives up. You don't know how to protect yourself 'cause once you had tried telling your parents about it and if they couldn't help/believe you.. No one can.."

That's how I have been feeling. You start hating yourself. You start hating your own skin. I am crying. But it doesn't mean I am weak. I am strong. I am really strong and I'll always be strong. I know it. I am gonna do my college and get a job and move out forever and never look back.

People at my college don't know a thing about it. 3 girls from my school knew about it. But we don't talk anymore. It's 14th May. I had started writing this yesterday but couldn't complete it for some reason. One good thing that happened is I got my bed separated.  We are still in the same room but now I have my own bed. My mum didn't let me to tell my dad about it. My dad is not well right now and I'm scared that something might happen. So, I haven't told him anything yet. I'm afraid again. I don't want anything to happen to my parents. I'm still crying. And, I'm feeling terribly alone.

My mum wants me to be "nice" to my brother. She thinks that it's easy. Jeez. How can I even do that. I don't even feel like being nice to my mum. 

"..I feel stronger but I'm scared.
 I want to fly but I'm caged.
I want to smile but tears ain't stopping,
I want to breathe but this pain is choking.
I want to fly but I'm caged.."

I remember when I was 4 or 5 years old. There was this man who used to work at our studio. He used to kiss me and bite me all over. It used to hurt and after a few days, my mum saw marks/patches on my body. She asked and I told her about him. My mum told my dad and I guess after that.. my dad kicked him out. Until yesterday, I didn't know that it came under child sex abuse.

I just cannot stop thinking about these stuffs and stop crying over it. It hurts more. I have tried killing myself a lot of times. I feel like killing myself again but I want to live too. Why is it happening to me? Can I say "no one cares about me". My own mother doesn't seem to care. How can I expect others to care about me? 

The people who were supposed to care the most, care the least. I had promised certain people that I wouldn't try killing myself again. And I'm gonna try my best to keep that promise but if I fail, don't call me a coward 'cause you know what? Even killing yourself needs a lot of strength and courage.

I wrote my feelings down because I wanted to. I could have written it somewhere like my notebook but the world would fail to know or see who I am and where I stand. Yes. I really want the world to know about it. I want them to know that sometimes faking a smile is not that easy. These feelings are killing me inside and this is the reason why I stay quite.


Blahblaholic ♥ © said...

I never knew this.
And Twitter is not really filled with fake people, mostly is, I agree, but a few people make it worthwhile. Trust me :] I wish I was online when you were venting you.
I'm sorry =\
Also I'm so so so so so sooooo sorry. No one deserves this. No one. It is cruel and dark and scary to me, even thinking about it.
I'm sorry you went through that.
But look at you now! You write so beautifully, you're brave enough to say it out loud.
I'm glad you saw the show and more so, that it helped you in whatever little way.
And hey, I'm here. I'm reading you. And listening. Anytime, all the time.
Also, adding you on FB now! =D
xxxxxxxx <3

Anonymous said...

Shriti, when i used to read your blog, i would think you are going through what some girls do, you know regular slap of life? But now, i am admiring you. not saying this to boost you, but heratfelt. I didnt knew you were so strong. I really salute for being so courageous. I am admiring you, and though you are quite young (n naive), you have taught me so much by this post (rather the dark episode). Though i say i can understand how you feel, its not true.coz i am not sure what i would have done at your place. I am glad your friends support you.And hey sweetie, you aint gonna die okay? you would stand up and teach them all a lesson by flying high okay? Hugs dear, loadsa tight hugs. You aint just strong okay, you are very strong. :) Take care:) God bless you

Sanket Kambli said...

this sucks.. whatever happened.. this is crazy and evil.. why should you be punished/suffering..
be strong!
i know its hard to do and easy to say..but..

Jack said...

C L,

First visit to your space. That too as I was given this link by someone close to me here. Read all current posts. I sincerely salute you for your being so strong. And you are not going to weaken and do something silly as your life is meant to do a lot more for the world. I am sure that you will bring happiness to a lot many persons with your compassion to understand them. Keep your chin up. If I can do anything for you, please do not hesitate to ask.

Take care

☂☆ Vållῐ ★♬ said...

What should I say!....Oh God!...You went through all these!...I'm so sorry!....and I am getting so angry and frustrated that this happened to you ....And, I can guess how does it feel for you....I feel like kicking your brother.....Ahgrr!!..And your mother....why can't she understand...even though you've said several times....and even after watching that show......Oh God!...I thought that show will enlighten many parents...with so much explanation and description....She couldn't trust you!??....How pathetic...!!....Don't give up dear!...If your mother doesn't trust you...Leave her......Tell to somebody else...whom you are close to... Tell your Dad!...Don't worry....Just tell him......And never forgive your brother.....He lied... he isn't guilty at all for what he has done! and moreover he is lying......Feel like...AGrrrr!...God is watching....Just see how God punishes him.......I used to think....'Why this girl is so sad always?'....'Why she writes so much posts on depression'....Now, I got the answer dear!.....You are really a strong person!....I admire you dear.......Be brave, Be strong!....and Take care dear....Loads of Hugs!

I do, I do. said...

Just came across your blog. Your write-ups are really worth spending time on. :)

Keep up the good work!

Cheryl van den Berg said...

By posting this I feel you are not really staying quiet. It's good to show your voice and speak your mind.

Kudos to you!

Tharangni said...

I am so sorry. I never knew that you were going through so much trouble. I am truly sorry and I honestly wish I could help you! :(

Rià said...

I had no idea there were so many ppl around me who were going thru this hell...Its sad indeed that this had to be your first post that I read on your blog. I am saddened by the fact that your mom doesn't believe you...or may be she's in denial...she doesn't want to believe what's happened. But that doesnt change anything.

Have you tried to get in touch with any of the helplines!? Talking to them may help, plz dont think of ending your life, its precious. Pls take care of yourself and stay strong the way u are. *hugs*

P.S. Dropped by from Kunal's blog.

*Aham* said...

i can never claim to understand what you are going through.

but do know that the dark clouds are just an indication that there would be rain. and then the sky would be clear.

harish iyer
from satyamev jayate.

*Aham* said...

i can never claim to understand what you are going through.

but do know that the dark clouds are just an indication that there would be rain. and then the sky would be clear.

harish iyer
from satyamev jayate.

*Aham* said...

i dont know how to get in touch with you. have sent my number with your friend Amey.

do get in touch with me. let us find a way out from this. :)

and dont lose your smile. you are born to smile.