Wednesday, December 11, 2013

I don't know where to start from. Life is so weird. Life is dominating. You have to keep your ego aside and do what life wants you to do. Things change, people leave and memories fade away. There's no doubt that I'm stressed and depressed and no matter how much I try to hide, it's still there on my face. I don't know why I want almost everything perfect. I don't know why I fear failure so much. I don't know why I love my parents so much. I don't know why I step back from doing things that I want to just because it'll hurt my parents.
I'm 20 now, why can't I make my own decisions? Why do I need to think about them? I want to break free. I'm so different from my parents. It makes me wonder if I was adopted or something. It's not the first time that these kind of thoughts are crossing my mind. I wonder if I'll ever be happy. I hope it's not too late by then.
I'm in my 3rd year of engineering and have I really enjoyed my college life or did something really crazy or something that's worth remembering? No, I haven't yet. I hope, I do soon.
If I'm not going to live my dreams then I want to live at least one day on my own.. like I really really want to be happy without being worried about anything. No phone calls, no texts, no rush of going back home. Nothing. Just me and the things I want to enjoy.

Well if you're going to continue reading this post then I'm really sorry, this will get random and really long. I haven't talked to a lot of my close friends in a while. I tried to talk to some but they don't even have time to reply. May be they have more important things to do. I'm constantly being ignored by the people I care about the most. People say, never be in a friendship(or any other kind of relationship) that hurts and that makes you feel bad about yourself. But what do you do when it's the friendship that also gives you the strength to fight against the odds? I was in one such dilemma for a long time and I chose the friend, I chose our friendship.

I kind of realized that I do make a couple of people happy even though they live miles away from where I live. Well I'm not sure if I do because they could be just saying it but I still hope that I do and they really mean it when they say it.. I fall in love with words, pictures, things and people easily but I also hate them and that's probably my biggest issue.

I'm not a good looking person. Of course I do look good in my "selfies" but trust me you would hate me if you saw me in person. Now, that pretty much gives you the idea that I hate my appearance. Yes, I do. I have hated it since I was 10 but I started hating it more after I turned 16, when one of my "best friends" was too ashamed to host the Teachers' day event with me. You know, it doesn't matter what the entire world thinks about you but it matters when your friend or parents are ashamed of your appearance or call you "fat" or give you any other kind of names. It's been almost 4 years but that thing still stings. Aparently, that thing never stopped. I forgave them. School ended. Best friends left. We are now in college and we have new friends but even these friends do the same thing. It kind of sucks more when unexpected people/friends do so but you really can't react or tell them that you felt bad because they are not wrong. You are ugly, you are fat and you are insecure.
If you're fat, people will definitely pass a comment on you while you eat.

"Stop eating fatty, you'll explode"

"Hey fatty, don't eat the whole thing, leave something for other people"

"I think the entire cafeteria's food will be less for you"

It's basically like, if you're fat and you're eating in public, it's a sin.. well not just that actually, 'cause even if you don't eat, people will say something again-

"Are you on diet or something? If yes then it's good. You should lose some weight and may be then someone will love you"

And when you react to such comment by leaving or staying quiet or frowning.. the reaction you will get is,

"Hey, don't get mad. I even call my sister 'fat' and she is not fat actually. I call everyone 'fat'"

"Don't be mad at me, please? I consider you a very good friend that's why I mess around with you.."

There was a time when I was so overly depressed with these comments that I started skipping my meals and also my favorite food for months. I don't remember. I still get these comments more than once in my day.. It sucks when "fatty" or "fatso" becomes your new name. I try to overlook and forget it but I can't completely. I do want it to affect me sometimes so that I start skipping meals again.
I know a lot of people will read this. Even people from my college but not my friends and no one will ever know how it feels. How much it makes me hate myself more.

I think, I sort of started liking myself a bit when I met this guy in a public bus who liked me the way I was. I haven't seen him in a while. It's been more than a month. I don't want to befriend him or maybe I do but he seems like a buttonhead jerk to me so nah. But I do miss seeing him. 

I actually wanted to write about a lot of other things but now it's just something that idek.


ankit jain said...

I happen to come across your blog through your twitter. Read this post, and realized that you are a very brave girl! To endure casual bullying (Calling people names, and fatso) is one of the most disheartening things ever! There are lots of ppl (As u ve mentioned) who say they do it casually! You must not give way to them by staying quiet! Next time you come across any such person giving it to you, you give them back by punching them hard! Atleast they ll know that this is not acceptable!
I am a 27 year old who did his engg jus like you and at 20 even i used to feel that I have done nothing in my life in my college etc etc and be depressed about it! However, I realized it once i got out of college that how much fun those small nothings used to be! You are a 20 y/o and will soon get placed in some company and will leave your parents for a good job! It is then you will ve to live your life on your own! Indian parents have ways of being overprotective with their kids. Step out off their shadow and plan your life the way you want it! Read a lot, Travel a lot, Make new friends! Be generous to others. Be nice to strangers and have a positive attitude towards everyone. It is when others give you shit, then you have to give it back! And yes Suicide is indeed cowardly! No amount of courage can justify it! You ll become special to a lot of ppl in life! Jus try knowin how much you mean to your parents! The problem with their generation is they are not expressive, which often makes you think if you are adopted or sthg.
Well all i can say is i cud relate a lot to you when i was a 20 y/o. So be happy and stop being a pessimist. They suck!

Anonymous said...

heya ! You might not believe it but there are actually people out there who don;t care how you look ! they will just care how you are - what person you and after all .. beauty lies in the hands on the beholder right ? :)
Ps. My best friends name is also Shruti :) You'll do great girl ! :) keep smiling :)

Lonely soul said...

One more coincidence.u wrote dz post in Dec wen u were n 3rd year it means nw ua n d final year n even I am.