Saturday, March 15, 2014

Last Notes!

Letter #1

Dear Mum and Dad,
I’m sorry I am dead. I’m sorry I couldn’t make you happy and proud before dying. Today when you left, I found out your son has been filming me secretly. I don’t know for how long he had been doing that. I found five videos of me sleeping, on his laptop. He may have also filmed me while I was changing my clothes. I couldn't find more videos. His laptop’s camera was on and it was facing my bed when I decided to check his laptop to see if he was spying on me again and yes he was. He has done that before too. He had taken my half naked pictures before. I wish you had done something when I told you that he used to grope me in my sleep. That happened for a year and now this. I don’t know what to do. I don't even feel like a person anymore. I just feel like a cheap sex toy. First molestation, then taking my inappropriate pictures and now secretly filming me while I sleep. The only thing that is left is finding those pictures and videos on the internet in a porn site. I know, you love your son but he makes me sick. I was thinking of forgiving him and moving on but I cannot. I cannot live in the same room with him. I deleted the videos. I think he has more of it but I can’t find them. He has given me a wound that doesn't heal and a scar that's gonna remain forever if I stayed alive. I’m sorry that this is all in English but I suck at speaking/writing Hindi. I love you both a lot. Please know that. And I’m sorry I’m being selfish but I want to bleed out right now.

Letter #2

Dear Diyanah,
I hope you're alright babe. I hope you get enough strength to face the problems. I hope you find someone who gives you unconditional love. Someone who makes you feel beautiful. I don't have much to say. Thanks for being there for me and listening to all of my rants. I'm sorry I'm leaving. I still remember the last words that you said to me. You are beautiful and you deserve better. I want you to get better and live. I love you. 

Letter #3

Dear Marko,
There's this huge conversation gap between us and I didn't get enough time to fix it. I actually felt tired all the time and I couldn't do that. I caused you a lot of troubles when we were closer. I hope you get to move out and live your dreams. I'm probably dead by now. Please don't do this to yourself as well, okay? It will get better. Take care of Raed and yourself of course. I love you. 

Letter #4

Dear Tony,
I'm sorry about my messy head. I never got a chance to apologize nicely. You are a great person. You did make an impact in my life. And dude, for one last time, I need you to know that I'm not in parasocial relationship with you. I did have a crush on you but I don't even think about you anymore. More than being your lover, I wanted to be your friend. Thanks for making me feel better in my bad days. I hope you find love. Don't kill yourself. I love you.

Letter #5

Dear Juan,
Goddammit you said you'd post a new selfie! You haven't yet. And now I'm dead. Bummer. I'm pretty sure you're a 50 year old man! :O Nah, just Kidding. I am sorry I didn't tell you a lot of things. I didn't want to scare you away I guess. Apparently, I'm one of those suicidal freaks, huh? Miss me, Juan. I love you. Fix your sleeping schedule mister! xD

Letter #6

Dear Meraz,
Sorry. I should have told you. I don't know what greatness you see in me. I'm thankful for having a friend like you. Thanks for saving me. Thanks for being there. I don't want to saved this time. I'm ending this. I love you. I hope you have a great life. I hope you get to marry the girl you love. She's so lucky to have you. Tell her, I love her too.

Letter #7

Dear Sunakshi di, Aditi, Adeeba, Ayushi, Laddoo and Nida,
I miss talking to you guys but I don't really come forward and talk to you because I really cannot and I don't know what to say anymore. You guys have always been there to support me. You all are such strong women. I cannot thank you all enough. I think you'd understand why I did this. I love you guys. Hope you all have great lives.

Letter #8

Dear Minhaz,
I didn't think we'd turn into such good friends. Well I really hope you did think of me as a good friend and you weren't using me. It felt good to know that someone cared. Miss me, Minhaj. Miss me. You're an awesome person. Stay that way. I guess you and others from the class now know the reason that has kept me sad. And why I didn't care about what my brother did. Good luck for the upcoming exams. Love ya and others.

Letter #9

Dear Sir,
You know who you are and that's why I'm not mentioning your name. I'm not sure if you'd like it or not and that's why I'm not mentioning it here. It's always been great talking to you. I love how we could talk for hours about anything and everything. From college rantings to pursuing our dreams. I never told you about my problems but you somehow managed to drift my mind and also showed me the right path. I guess I am not going to be a writer and you won't be clicking my picture since I'm ending my journey before even starting it. I have respected you a lot. You are a great person and only a few people realize that. I hope you get live your dreams. Please take care of yourself.

Letter #10

Dear Jesse,
Ah dude, we just started talking again this is how it is ending. Damn, we couldn't even skype. I know you have a hard life too. I hope it becomes a little easier. I really don't have a lot to say. We kind of have similar views on life and other things. I'm glad to meet and know someone like you before dying. You are the last person to make me feel so happy. Thanks for that. May be we'll meet in another life and do all the things that we planned to do in this life.  BYE AMERICAN BEST FRIEND. I LOVE YOU.

Letter #11

Dear Abhishek dada,

Uh I screwed it up huh. I have been feeling terribly since the day I called out on you on my blog. You did know what he did to me and that's when you told me that you'd be my brother and protect me. I do respect you a lot and I love you a lot. I just screw it up sometimes. I wish we talked more. You are a great brother and an amazing kind human. I hope you become super successful in life. Thanks for making me happy dada. Wish I could meet you and have the "real" and good sibling experience. And like I promised you long ago, I would have bought you a watch.


Letter #12

Dear Raed,
Don't frown or get pissed off because I wrote your letter last. Dude, I was trying to save the best for the last. I talk to you so much and it's still not enough for me. And wish you could just see how hard it is for me. One of the saddest thing in my life is that you don't understand me or life. I don't tell people anything about my anxiety or depression and bad life and they think I overreact. I tell you everything and you think just like them. I don't take depression as an excuse for my actions but you were supposed to understand. I know you will probably think that I overreacted and exaggerated this. And suicide is a terrible excuse for what my brother did to me. But it's not just that. You are supposed to know that DAMMIT! You were supposed to give me strength rather than calling me weak and coward. I won't be troubling you anymore. Yay Shgt is dying!

Letter #13

Dear Everyone else,
Thank you so much if you have ever made me smile or have just stayed in my life while I was going through bad phase. Thanks a lot. Thanks for being there for me and supporting me. Thanks for making me feel loved. You all are great. I hope you guys get to see happy days. Forgive me for all the lame, pathetic stuffs I did. I love you guys a lot. I really do.

P.S. I'm alive. I'm not dead. Sorry for giving you a minor  heart attack there. I started typing this out with an intention to post it on my blog as a suicide note. I was going to kill myself. I had a good opportunity since my parents were out of town and I was alone and my brother wasn't here either. I don't regret typing it out and posting it on my blog because it just made me feel a little better and hopefully I won't die tonight. I was definitely trying to kill myself by making deeper cuts on my skin. But none of them were deep enough to bleed me out. I'm also sorry for mentioning/not mentioning your names. Please don't try to help me by asking a social worker or psychiatrist to see/read this. Things will get better. I know that. If you know me in person then don't give me "I'm sorry, Shriti" look. Also try not to ever mention this at college or to anyone who hasn't read it yet.


Inseyn said...

If only you were sensible. ..You'd know how much anyone would be hurt by reading this. How helpless they would feel. How powerless. How gullible.
If only suicide was just another ACCEPTABLE shade of pessimism. ...I'd let this slide and wait for your screams at the top of the world.
If only you could use your words elsewhere. ...Felt yourself able to revive another soul. Another restless mind a home. Another Idea a room. Another life company.
If only you could stretch for independence. ..You'd know you dont need anyone but you need faith. Maybe a religion. Maybe ideals and morals. Maybe something to look forward. Maybe wait for the right person to sweep you away.
If only you had already made your mark in this world. ...You'd be allowed to leave this world you were brought into. You arent allowed to kill yourseld.
If only saying sorry was enough. You need to earn forgiveness but hey you are only forgiven if you promise not to repeat it but you only live once.
If only dying would end the pain. ..You'd be selfish. A coward too. Killing yourself would mean you were strong enough to fight yourself but weak enough to fall prey to the world. If only your head looked for ways out of the situation by dealing with it...

Shriti said...


If only you were sensible, you'd understand and wouldn't post that comment.
But I don't know, may be because you are a guy, you can't notice the pain I have to go through while I live my life in the same room with the same guy who molested me, who took my inappropriate pictures and also was secretly filming me. I am sane enough to "not" hate my parents for taking his side and not saying a single word to him.
You have no idea how I live my life. How I try my best to hide the sadness that's slowly consuming me.
I'm not a coward. You are. My parents and their son are. You know what rape culture is? This is. You calling me coward for wanting to kill myself rather than supporting me.. My parents not saying a single word to their son but asking me to be careful. This is rape culture. I don't want to live in this rape culture.

I do not believe anymore that things will get better for me. It's been 3 years and I am still getting sexual harrassed. I feel scared of men. I know that not every guy is the same. I really do know it but I'm scared of them now.
I do not believe that someone is going to save me. I do not believe that someone is going to love me or kiss my scars and sweep me off my feet.
I believe that the only person who can save you is yourself. You have to be your own hero. And I am my own hero. I will try to live this life for as long as I can but if I got too tired of fighting the world, I'd kill myself.

I do not regret posting this here. I do not regret that I tried to kill myself. And I don't really seek forgiveness. I'm sorry for nothing. It's my blog. This post was going to be my suicide note but I eventually felt better. This post is going to be here on my blog and remind me how stronger I have grown. How I could still cope up with my life with all that shit. It will also help me to save someone like me. I'm not a coward. I am a strong girl. I know it. Don't try to break me or someone else by calling them coward.

Inseyn said...

Hahahahaha. The pain guys go through is different, which at the moment is irrelevant. You are old enough to walk your own way. Dying now is losing. See, I understand whats happening is so damn wrong that it's unbelivable. If i were in India atm I would get on a train and slap your brother. I would tell your parents that they either work against this or send you off on your own to the world afresh. To have brought you in this world and not being able to provide for your best interests is a bloody abomination of the concept of having children. But as they are your family I cannot intervene as it only causes harm. You need your relatives. You need to use your words. Your brother might not be bad but has been spoilt. Maybe influenced by friends. Talk to him. This is the greatest ssadness to not have a backbone of a family but you can survive yet you choose not to. Any other time you fall as low as 6days ago, I am sorry but you won't write another word. Your parents will grieve but have you given them reasons to hate themselves for being so cowardly appeasers? Be careful. I ask you too. They say that only because they are helpless for some reason. Their son is their asset for some reason. They cannot confront their son for some reason. If it were me doing such stuff my parents would slap me dead. Can you NOT convince your parents that their REASONS have been wrong for oh so long?
Right now, you need your family you don't need true love. Yes someone for the scars and tears. But how can you sell a broken item to a handsome bidder? (Ignore the materialism metaphor take the message).
You have to live. You have to set an example. You also don't have to goto the media and be a pawn of their ratings.
This post will also remind others of how cowardly you are and there is nothing to save. That you have given up, so why should they waste their time. The act of suicide is cowardly but that doesn't make you a coward. Don't worry I am understanding. DOn't worry you are never alone. Don't worry the devil always looses. Don't worry BE HAPPY. Yes you are sad, yes for a moment you forget you are sad but don't make happiness irrelevant by the majority of sadness. Talk to me. I might not break the fall. But I will think with you. But I want you to talk to your close relatives. Someone you know will come forth as they are supposed to.
Take care.

Shriti said...

I don't have relatives. No one close at least. Do you think I didn't try to tell my parents what they are doing to me is wrong? I did try. I've been trying for a couple of years and I don't see it going anywhere. I'm really done. I have given up. I'll try to take in as much as I can and that is all.

I need family? I need love? I don't know. I don't understand that part of your comment. I don't really want to be sold I think. I'm not really waiting for someone to save me.

The act of suicide isn't cowardly or funny or stupid. It's just sad. It's sad because a person had to choose suicide because no one else was listening to their cry for help. I am sad. I have been sad for years now. Like may be for 5 years. Things have been worse for 3 years. I cannot be just be happy like that. The sadness is now a part of me. It's me. I need help. I agree but I'm okay. Even though I want to die, I'm okay. Things are okay. If I died, things will be okay, everyone will be okay. They will grieve and mourn for a few days but they will be okay.

Talking isn't easy for me. I try to talk about it but my voice breaks and my eyes start tearing up. It's hard. I have been giving serious thoughts about meeting a psych and I will may be. But I'm not sure when.

I will be okay. I will find my way. Don't worry.

Mirchi Laddoo said...

I don't know why I haven't read this earlier. I am shocked would be an understatement. The shock also is for the reason that how 2 people who are radically different have faced similar types of situations. Suicide is not cowardice. Those who have attempted (not the attention seeking ones) only know that they don't want to die actually. They just want to be rescued from the abyss of despair. The helplessness has driven them to a dead end. Only if someone could bring them back from that road.

Life also teaches you that most times there would be no one. You would have to come back on your own. Come back from darkness to be the light to others.

No one wants life to be easy but everyone wants someone who would be there when they are struggling to make it beautiful for self & for others.

I hope that one day life becomes as beautiful as you are (Yes you are beautiful) for you. Till then hold on. (That's what I wanted to say to my younger self)

And I will be always there for you, remember that. *HUGS* And Loads of Love!!! :* :* :*

Lonely soul said...

I thought I'm alone n dz.but my pain is nothing infront of really a strong n brave girl and a good person too.mail me at any time il b Der..I know hw if feels nt to b loved by ny1. Lots of love n hugs.n I'm glad dat u wrote dz only to make uaself feel better...

Lonely soul said...

I cudnt bare all dz for 8months n ua going through it since last really so brave shriti..