Manipulation

Don't know what makes me more sad.

Sad is the world or my existence?

Existence have reasons.

Reasons that I can't find.

Find me one soon so that I stay.

Stay, so that I never leave you.

You are the one who can ruin or make my day.

My day that starts with your name, a blurry image of your crescent smile.

Smile that can take down the whole world.

World of lies and hypocrites.

Hypocrites know all their tricks.

Tricks to fool you, use you and finally manipulate you every now and then.

Questions.

Is it anxiety?

Am I anorexic?

Is it true or is it false?

Am I just sad or really depressed?

The questions linger inside my head.

Am I normal?

Am I peculiar?

What is it that really bothers?

Am I really alone or it's just my mind?

Can I see it all or am I being blind?

Is it the stress?

Is it the thoughts?

Is it the future or is it the past?

Is it something that always last?

The questions keep me awake at night.

Too tired to fall asleep and too tired to stay awake.

It's just a messy feeling that keeps hurting.

Why don't they understand?

Why didn't they never stand?

What will it take to be good enough?

Is it a fear?

Am I really scared?

Do you think I am stronger?

Do I really want my life to end?

Or is it just the troubles and pain?

Does things really get better?

Or we just get used to it and it starts bothering lesser?

Things.

There are things,

You'll never find out.

-My feelings, my thoughts,

Why I keep saying, "I've been through lots.."

There are things,

I'll never care about.

-Your race, your religion,

Your thoughts, your action. 

There are things,

You'll always dare.

-"Forget the pain, live like others,

Overlook the past and leave everything behind that bothers.."

There are things,

That I'll never share.

-My fears, my scariest secrets;

And the one who are the real culprits.

There are things,

You may find annoying.

-My action, my cry,

Me not being cheery, me wanting to die.

There are things,

I may be questioning.

-The society, my existence; My differences

And me not being able to find any resemblance.

There are things,

That you may find hilarious.

-My tears, my thinking,

My words, my writing.

There are things

That I may fake like an actress.

-Hide all the fears on the screen;

Make it all blurry, make it all unseen.

There are things,

You may never notice.

Bottled up feelings, all inside me,

I can barely show you what I see.

There are things,

That make me anxious.

-What they think, what they say,

"I hope it's good", I always pray.

There are things,

You don't find true.

And, most probably it's all about someone;

Don't be so harsh 'cause of an assumption, you'll regret & cry later on their coffin.

There are things,

I really hope I do.

-Not wait for tomorrow, finish it all tonight,

Get away from this fancy world, get away from your sight.

A part of me.

The morning's clear, 

And my mind is trying to figure out where I am,

Stains of tears and late night fear,

has been there on my cheeks all night.

I look at my phone,

To check no one giving a damn,

I turn my head and tell myself that maybe it's good to be alone;

But then the heart realized the lies I just said.

I shake my head while I throw my covers aside,

I sit up on the edge, 

Thinking, "why it has to be this way?" 

Again, as I glide,

My foot on the floor, I think of how different things can be outside the cage.

I make my way to the bathroom,

I look at my stained face,

Adoring how puffy my eyes look because of crying.

It's just me, "another girl without grace"

Secretly hoping for the bus to break down,

As I get ready for my college.

I check myself one last time before leaving my room,

And realize that I look no less than a clown!

I go downstairs, waiting for the bus,

The "honk-honk" kills all the hope,

And I make my way to the bus,

Wishing to get my favorite window seat.

But alas! How come I be so lucky?

It's been occupied again.

I sit quietly next to a girl, 

Shoving in my earphones, putting a song on loop,

I close my eyes and keep it shut till we reach the college.

When I walk towards my building,

I hope not to see people grinning.

I keep my bag pack on the table 

And wait for others to enter.

The classes start one by one in a manner,

I wait for a break desperately to have some fun but in the end

Who am I fooling? 

I hate everyone hence I am the only one who is a loner.

I stand on the balcony and look at all the happy faces,

I come back to the class,

Wait for it to end,

And finally it's all over.

On my way back to home,

I think of all the things I've done,

And secretly miss having pals,

As I close my eyes till I reach home.

The day is done.

And have survived it again.

The thoughts start crawling as the night grows older;

I know that heavy eyes had enough 'cause even the heart is colder!

It's like a depressing movie tape,

That's been stopped, rewind and played since ages,

Doesn't spectators know,

It won't make it any better?

Reasons

There are reasons, 

Why a person never seems happy. 

There are reasons,

Why some people always wear a smile. 

That one soul who doesn't seem happy anymore, 

Is no one but the person who used to wear a smile all the time.

Heaving smile, makes her feel tired,

And it seems like every endeavor is causing the pain somehow,

That one soul has been strong for a while now, 

And hopes to stay the same,

Till she's done wining the worldly game,

Till she bids her final goodbye.

She.

She has been walking forward,

Leaving everything behind,

Yet holding onto a handful of beautiful memories;

Befriending nostalgia on her way,

Letting it be her guide.

She's stumbling, tumbling and hurting,

But a little less this time.

Coldness is what she needs,

Fear is what she breathes.

While she brings down all of her dreams,

Bottles up her feelings,

And walks by, smiling;

All you see is raging freak,

May be too strong, may be too weak.

What a beautiful mess she is!

She's scared, she knows it,

She lies that she's fine.

Don't let her fool you,

She's hiding it all.

She has finally come to know that 

No one loves a Suicidal girl.

Outburst.

"..What I want, I can't have. What I have, I don't need. What I seek, I can't find. What I found, I can't deal with. What I've dealt with, I never deserved it..."

Why do I get so frustrated? Is it normal? I didn't go to college on Monday. Because, I don't know. There's just no point of doing anything anymore. Everything is so screwed up. I hate those people at my college anyways. I am so sick of everything that's happening around! Of course people want to have a new start of their lives but it doesn't mean that they'll kick out the old ones outta their lives. I know most of the people who'll read this are going to tell me "it's okay", "happens to everyone", blah blah blah. I know dammit! I know. But I don't want it to happen anymore. I really want my happiness to last a  little longer. I really do. Why do even start trusting people? Why do I always end up telling them how much they mean to me? And, even when I tell them, why do they take me for granted? Is there any person with who I can share all these feelings? NO. 

I know I am ruining myself by thinking about the past and all the crap. And being suicidal or depressed. But, I am sorry. It's just me. You have no idea, what I want, what I am dealing with or what my family is dealing with. I understand their issues. But I want them to understand mine. And if anyone out there's thinking of helping me out then forget it. It's probably too late and pointless. You cannot do anything about it. Stay away from me. You don't have to try to contact me or my family or anyone! YOU WILL JUST MAKE IT WORSE. I'll be fine hopefully.

To the person, who told me that I made my life this way.. if you're reading this then I wanna know what do you even know about me? Although, I have already replied to your comment on that post. So go check it and tell me again that I did it all and it's all my mistake!

Choco's blah blah..

How weird can it be when someone asks you, "If you're not contented with your life then why don't you work on making it better?" and you just sit there and say, "I don't want it to get better because I am hopeless, my life is hopeless. I don't want it to get better because the only thing I want is death."