"Another horrible twist.."

I'm full of flaws and may be insecurities,

Trying to straighten out my priorities.

Suffocating myself with thoughts of dying,

I can never ever pass the art of lying.

And today, I've hurt myself again badly,

Knowing that I'll lose everyone who is close to me.

They've picked up on me many times,

They played a vital role in several crimes.

I've been waiting here,

Trying to make my head clear.

Shedding tears in gallon,

Thinking that it wasn't supposed to happen.

I pleaded for death,

And in the mean while I tried to catch my breath.

None of that makes sense.

But, don't name it pretense.

I don't have any reasonable answer,

To any of my recent behavior.

It's hard for me to trust,

This relationship with a layer of dust,

'cause her soul never impressed mine.

No matter how much he tries, my life won't ever fall in line.

There's so much wrong about the person, she pretends to be.

I have a vision of the world, that no one else can see.

It's gonna be another horrible twist,

As I'll watch the bonds, slipping outta' my fist.

I'm trying not to care,

I'm trying not to share.

I'm trying to let it go.

I'm trying to dance with the flow.

Trying not to prepare a list.

But I can't stop thinking that it's gonna be another horrible twist.

Something's wrong tonight.

While I speak to you,
I need you to realize,
That something's wrong tonight,
And I need you to stay by my side.
Sometimes it feels like you've lost all the trust,
And this relation is gonna get covered with a layer of dust.
Please, don't stop talking,
I may start thinking that you've stopped caring.
Thinking about it, makes me cold.
There are too many things untold.
No, this ain't about love.
It's about you and me trying to take on the world.
Before I speak up,
Go for contradiction and shed a tear, please try to cheer me up;
Because there's something really wrong tonight.

P.S. It's been a while since I've used "P.S." o_o So here it is :P Hello. I'm alright. It's a post from the drafts. And, it's not about love trust. Just weird sad feelings. Whatever. Eh. I'll get better. I know. All the posts from drafts just reflect my state of mind and heart at some point of time(December actually)

Outburst!

I didn't want to write about this but I will. The Delhi Gang Rape, The Politicians and all the hypocrites. I can't take it anymore. It really triggers me so bad and makes me so angry that my anger turn into tears. I am not a strong person. I am not very mature but I am mature enough to see what's wrong.

We live in a world of lies where no one wants to see/say/hear the truth. Even when I was 15, I remember how I saw it coming. I didn't want to be one of the ignorant grown ups. I am glad I stayed that way. Of course, I have been asking to actually be kind and be nice to the one who needs you since very long. If only you were kind enough to help those two people.

That night, would you have stopped by to help the victim and her friend? Would you? Would you ever stop by to help a naked couple beaten to death? Would you ever stop looking at a guy and girl as criminals? No you wouldn't! And when the damage is done you go for protests, candle marches and everything. And it is good 'cause it's better late than never.

The guy(Victim's friend), the other day on Zee News, was right. The country is not protesting for the girl and the guy. They are doing it because they don't want it to happen again to them, their sisters, mothers and daughters. They need a better future. We need a better future. And, of course, the world is full of two faced hypocrites. The one that stands and stares at the scene and does nothing and the other one goes and protests.

Let's not call this "only" two faces of Delhi. The pic. reflects all of us.

And like I said, "nobody wants to see the truth" because if you do, the liars and culprits will destroy you and your family and everyone you love. I was reading "The Hunger Games" and I can see how it reflects us and our society. The guy revealed the bitter truth and what are the police/politicians/authorities trying to do? Charge him for humiliation. Calling him a liar? I feel ashamed and sick that I am a part of such a pathetic world. 

Now coming back to the politicians and other hypocrites. Too many speeches and statements were delivered to the public by various politicians like:

Statement no. 1: "..Girls are dented and painted.." Screw you! Are the minors who get raped dented and painted? There diapers and frocks are really attractive, huh?

Statement no. 2: "..Rapes happen only in India not in Bharat." Yeah right! Rapes happen in India and Balatkaar happens in Bharat! You know what? Even kids are more smart and won't say such a thing.  I wish if I could make this person stand naked in snowy region and shoot him with water gun.

Statement no. 3: "..She should have called the culprits 'brothers' and begged before them to stop... This could have saved her dignity and life."  As if brothers don't molest or rape their sisters. And why should a woman beg for anything? Isn't she a human too? It makes me so sick! FOR A RAPIST OR A MOLESTER, A WOMAN IS JUST A BODY THAT HE USES TO FULFILL HIS VILE DESIRES!

Statement no. 4: "..The girl and guy had to go through the pain and disaster because the stars were not in their favor" DO YOU THINK THE STARS AND PLANETS AND THE WHOLE UNIVERSE WAS IN YOUR FAVOR WHEN YOU SAID SO?

Statement no. 5: "..Rapes doesn't occur in rural areas.." Although the second and fifth statement are sort if similar, but really, you know what? These people should really visit Chhattisgarh. The town where I live and the village where 9 minors were raped by a school teacher and others. Many more incidents took place recently, leaving many women raped and dead. But then it doesn't get highlighted. It isn't a big state. Such a huge rural area and so many rape cases. Unnoticed and unheard.

Do you know why it bothers me so much? Not because I am a girl. It's because, I have a small idea of how it feels like to be sexually abused by a person. Because I've lived that. And not just once but a lot of times. ..I must be so attractive in my diapers according to some people's logic, right? So attractive that even my.. Well forget it. I can talk about it without shame right now on here 'cause I don't think there's anything to be ashamed of but we're not speaking about what I've been through. It's about the country. I really want the country to have a capital punishment for the molesters and the rapists.

I can't believe I live in a country where so many "literate" button heads look at the women that way! So many things were said and done. And then you say "we respect women" and also ask why the young Indians want to move out.. We are nothing but the puppets of the politicians and the society which we made long back. It's time to change. Not the clothes, not the education system, not the society. Just us. We need to change ourselves and our thoughts. The way we look at things. Because at the end of the day, we are a part of the society. We make the society.

"..It was all over.."

She was alright. Well, at least that's how she felt. She made others believe that too. She was a little different. She had changed. ..Because others wanted her to change and appreciate  life. This time she could handle all the thoughts and stress. She was contented with loneliness. She didn't complain and she tried to hide it all with her smile. Even she was confused about her feelings and this new change.

She kept smiling. People were not thinking that she was insane anymore. Everything seemed normal. Although she didn't really talk to a lot of people. But she had good acquaintance with everyone and specially online people. She was really close to one person. She used to tell him everything. The good, the bad and the ugly. But she wasn't able to tell him anything anymore 'cause she didn't know what she was thinking or feeling.

Two nights ago, she was alone. Her parents were asleep and so was her brother. She had no one to talk to. Her closest friend was gone for a movie, another friend who was like his sibling was busy with his official work. And then two others were busy studying for their exams. She wasn't getting paranoid. She looked calm even when the demons were dragging her to darkness. She was missing her best friend who passed away 3 years ago. She missed her all the time but that night she was missing her even more. She smiled when a tear escaped her eyes. She sat up and looked at the ceiling and whispered, "I'm sorry.."

She stood up and walked towards the bathroom. She went in and quietly looked for her dad's razor. She stuck it to her skin and moved it across her wrist. She started to bleed and cry. She saw a bottle of floor cleaner. She decided to drink it too. She reached out for it and remembered the last time she had tried to drink it. How it burned her throat and how she ended up puking. She grabbed the bottle and hold her breath and drank all of it. Tears rolled down her cheeks. She tried not to throw up but she did and collapsed on the ground. Her whole life flashed in front of her eyes. From smiling to crying, laughing to weeping and.. mourning. Everything. She said, "I'm sorry" once again and closed her eyes.

It was all over and she was gone. Leaving behind tears, questions and memories. She did love a lot of people. She was someone who used to fall in love again and again with places, moments, people and their actions. The little things people did for others and for her. She was exhausted. Exhausted of trying and trying again. She wanted it to end. And the demons inside her head made her do that.

Just another day of her life.

"I'm alright.. It's just because of less sleep", she said convincingly looking down at the people enjoying and laughing with their friends. She had stopped smiling, stopped talking and even stopped looking at people's face if they tried to talk to her. She is lost in a cold world.

He didn't know what else to say? And it wasn't the first time that she left someone speechless. He still stood next to her looking at those people with her. She looked calm while a hundred of things were going inside her head. 

He hesitantly asked, "So umm, where are the other two friends of yours with whom you hang out usually?" 

"I don't hang out with them anymore", She said, abruptly.

"Why? What's wrong?"

"I dunno.. I.. I realized where I stand in their lives" She said  giving a crooked smile.

He was a little perplexed with that answer. He was about to ask her what exactly happened when his friend walked over, frowning about the next class. 

She chuckled looking at his friend, just to seem normal. She talked to both of them about the classes and the assignments and all other work loads. They all talked till the bell  went off. And they went to their classrooms for the next three classes. 

It was becoming like a everyday thing to her. She gets up in the morning, gets ready for the college, goes to college, hates people, attends class, tries to do everything perfectly, get questioned for being alone, attends more classes and comes back home. She was mysterious. She didn't have true answers to the questions, "How are you?" or "What's wrong?"  because she knew that people wouldn't understand.

She is suicidal. She wants to die. But if you ask her how she is and how everything is in her life. She'll say that she is alright and everything is fine. You can't believe her just like that. When a person "really" wants to die, they won't let you know before doing it 'cause they know that you will try to save them.

"..Glad.."

Glad that I didn't let the words slip,

And didn't let it go from my tight grip.

Glad that I was holding on to it,

Stayed calm while waiting for the twist.

At times, I feel alone like the only cloud in a sunny day,

Too numb to react at the sky turning grey.

There's nothing that I expect,

And so much that I detest.

Glad that someone was my guide,

..Stood next to me even after looking at the dark side.

Glad to be able to breathe today,

'cause I didn't think that I could make it anyway.

Fooling around everyone with my disguise,

Juggling it between the truths and lies.

Waking up to sleep a little more,

'cause in havoc like this, it's the only cure.

The girl I used to be 11 years back.

Just once, make me feel like the girl I used to be 11 years back,

Bring back the good feeling and vanish the bad ones.

I know it's too much to ask,

But I just want this war inside my head to end.

I don't want to fake the smile anymore,

Rather I want it to rise from the core.

I don't know how to appreciate life,

I don't know how to love myself right.

None of your words make sense to me,
It's obvious that you can't see what I see.

I'm still looking for a place to hide, a hand to grab,

A shoulder to cry and a face to trust.

Stop questioning my words,

Just make me feel like the girl I used to be 11 years back,

I was terribly happy not being aware of any ache.

No lie, no pain, no insecurity was part of it.

Darkness and shadows remained as the biggest fears 'till the room was lit.

Bruises were the only thing that used to hurt,

No feeling of being unloved and absurd.

No pressure of taking chances,

'cause mum and dad would always make a stand.

Hold my hand, buy me candy floss,

Take me to the park, take me to the swings,

Sit down on the green grass and adore everything I see.

Look at the tall trees and birdies,

Wave good bye to the planes,

And run after it till it goes out of sight.

Take me home when I get tired,

 Just make me feel like the girl I used to be 11 years back.

Misery or just reality?

Something has hit me again,

I still have to figure out what is it,

Misery or just reality.

What was I thinking? 

Where was I standing?

Where am I now?

Plan was to take it slow,

And just go with the flow.

It's insanely foolish to think, 

that our lives will coax.

The one who really cared,

 Has passed away.

Is it bad,
To miss the ones who are dead?
I'm sorry, my intention is not to  make you feel low.
Right now, I just  want to lay here and miss your "new year" show.