Happy 19th birthday to ME

Oh hello. Everything okay? o_o I am sorry, I'm not too good with starting a conversation. One hour and 30 minutes till I turn 19 but um, I'm gonna schedule this post. I'm typing it now 'cause I have a test tomorrow. And, I am pretty much sure I'll screw it up. But yeah I need to study and stuff.

I dunno, if I am excited or just annoyed. I know that I feel a little down about it. But you know, just like the tiny kids, I eagerly wait for this day to come. And, yes, I keep reminding people of my birthday. But this time I didn't. I don't see a point. I actually lied to my classmates about my birthday(Note: I said "classmates" not "friends"). Did I mention how much I hate them? Well, I do. Seriously. 

Well, coming back to my birthday. Ah, yeah, this day has never really been good to me. Reasons? Mum and dad end up fighting. I throw a party and no one shows up. Or Diwali vacation becomes the demon to mess everything up. Friends go out of town. Blah blah blah.

I don't know what makes me sad. Growing older or not having friends. Facebook will remind a few old mates about my birthday hopefully. And since I have been tweeting about it, people from twitter remember my birthday(the only good thing). The countdown is on!

My mum and dad have definitely forgotten my birthday it seems. They remembered it till yesterday. Ugh, I feel like crying. My eyes are almost teary. Couldn't have felt more worthless than this. I'm sorry, this post was supposed to be all cheery and stuff but, I dunno. I do not have friends anymore. o_o The person who I thought was my best friend, doesn't even talk to me. But I'm not too bothered anymore. It makes me sad sometimes but that's what life is all about. I have friends/people with whom I talk/text everyday. (Yes, they are my online friends) But I hate it more when they piss me off too, or hurt me or misunderstand me. Well, I dunno what else to say. I just want it to be good. O_O

Hey look! That's me. Smiling. Had taken it on 5th. o_o Ok bye. I need to study. o_O

Eh, I'm sorry..

There's something about every night.

Or may be you can say that

It's just one thing which turns out the light.

I lay awake in my bed,

Look up at the ceiling;

books, phone screen and laptop;

Think of the words to describe certain feelings.

I am tired and sleepy,

My bloodshot-puffy eyes are just creepy.

I refuse to get some sleep,

Feel empty and unwanted till I start to weep.

Like I've been told,

I seem like shy, quiet, lovable person from the outside,

No one really knows that I hold,

Anger, Loneliness, sadness, fear and self loathing deep inside.

I'm sorry, I am not perfect.

I'm sorry, I am always upset.

I'm sorry, I overreact,

I'm sorry, I think too much before I act.

I'm just really scared, that I'll hated on,

I really think it would've been better if I wasn't born.

I'm sorry, I can't put a smile on your face.

I'm sorry, I know that I'm missing the living grace.

I'm sorry, I push you all away,

I'm sorry, I act like "nothing happened" during the day.

Manipulation

Don't know what makes me more sad.

Sad is the world or my existence?

Existence have reasons.

Reasons that I can't find.

Find me one soon so that I stay.

Stay, so that I never leave you.

You are the one who can ruin or make my day.

My day that starts with your name, a blurry image of your crescent smile.

Smile that can take down the whole world.

World of lies and hypocrites.

Hypocrites know all their tricks.

Tricks to fool you, use you and finally manipulate you every now and then.

Questions.

Is it anxiety?

Am I anorexic?

Is it true or is it false?

Am I just sad or really depressed?

The questions linger inside my head.

Am I normal?

Am I peculiar?

What is it that really bothers?

Am I really alone or it's just my mind?

Can I see it all or am I being blind?

Is it the stress?

Is it the thoughts?

Is it the future or is it the past?

Is it something that always last?

The questions keep me awake at night.

Too tired to fall asleep and too tired to stay awake.

It's just a messy feeling that keeps hurting.

Why don't they understand?

Why didn't they never stand?

What will it take to be good enough?

Is it a fear?

Am I really scared?

Do you think I am stronger?

Do I really want my life to end?

Or is it just the troubles and pain?

Does things really get better?

Or we just get used to it and it starts bothering lesser?

Things.

There are things,

You'll never find out.

-My feelings, my thoughts,

Why I keep saying, "I've been through lots.."

There are things,

I'll never care about.

-Your race, your religion,

Your thoughts, your action. 

There are things,

You'll always dare.

-"Forget the pain, live like others,

Overlook the past and leave everything behind that bothers.."

There are things,

That I'll never share.

-My fears, my scariest secrets;

And the one who are the real culprits.

There are things,

You may find annoying.

-My action, my cry,

Me not being cheery, me wanting to die.

There are things,

I may be questioning.

-The society, my existence; My differences

And me not being able to find any resemblance.

There are things,

That you may find hilarious.

-My tears, my thinking,

My words, my writing.

There are things

That I may fake like an actress.

-Hide all the fears on the screen;

Make it all blurry, make it all unseen.

There are things,

You may never notice.

Bottled up feelings, all inside me,

I can barely show you what I see.

There are things,

That make me anxious.

-What they think, what they say,

"I hope it's good", I always pray.

There are things,

You don't find true.

And, most probably it's all about someone;

Don't be so harsh 'cause of an assumption, you'll regret & cry later on their coffin.

There are things,

I really hope I do.

-Not wait for tomorrow, finish it all tonight,

Get away from this fancy world, get away from your sight.

A part of me.

The morning's clear, 

And my mind is trying to figure out where I am,

Stains of tears and late night fear,

has been there on my cheeks all night.

I look at my phone,

To check no one giving a damn,

I turn my head and tell myself that maybe it's good to be alone;

But then the heart realized the lies I just said.

I shake my head while I throw my covers aside,

I sit up on the edge, 

Thinking, "why it has to be this way?" 

Again, as I glide,

My foot on the floor, I think of how different things can be outside the cage.

I make my way to the bathroom,

I look at my stained face,

Adoring how puffy my eyes look because of crying.

It's just me, "another girl without grace"

Secretly hoping for the bus to break down,

As I get ready for my college.

I check myself one last time before leaving my room,

And realize that I look no less than a clown!

I go downstairs, waiting for the bus,

The "honk-honk" kills all the hope,

And I make my way to the bus,

Wishing to get my favorite window seat.

But alas! How come I be so lucky?

It's been occupied again.

I sit quietly next to a girl, 

Shoving in my earphones, putting a song on loop,

I close my eyes and keep it shut till we reach the college.

When I walk towards my building,

I hope not to see people grinning.

I keep my bag pack on the table 

And wait for others to enter.

The classes start one by one in a manner,

I wait for a break desperately to have some fun but in the end

Who am I fooling? 

I hate everyone hence I am the only one who is a loner.

I stand on the balcony and look at all the happy faces,

I come back to the class,

Wait for it to end,

And finally it's all over.

On my way back to home,

I think of all the things I've done,

And secretly miss having pals,

As I close my eyes till I reach home.

The day is done.

And have survived it again.

The thoughts start crawling as the night grows older;

I know that heavy eyes had enough 'cause even the heart is colder!

It's like a depressing movie tape,

That's been stopped, rewind and played since ages,

Doesn't spectators know,

It won't make it any better?

Reasons

There are reasons, 

Why a person never seems happy. 

There are reasons,

Why some people always wear a smile. 

That one soul who doesn't seem happy anymore, 

Is no one but the person who used to wear a smile all the time.

Heaving smile, makes her feel tired,

And it seems like every endeavor is causing the pain somehow,

That one soul has been strong for a while now, 

And hopes to stay the same,

Till she's done wining the worldly game,

Till she bids her final goodbye.

She.

She has been walking forward,

Leaving everything behind,

Yet holding onto a handful of beautiful memories;

Befriending nostalgia on her way,

Letting it be her guide.

She's stumbling, tumbling and hurting,

But a little less this time.

Coldness is what she needs,

Fear is what she breathes.

While she brings down all of her dreams,

Bottles up her feelings,

And walks by, smiling;

All you see is raging freak,

May be too strong, may be too weak.

What a beautiful mess she is!

She's scared, she knows it,

She lies that she's fine.

Don't let her fool you,

She's hiding it all.

She has finally come to know that 

No one loves a Suicidal girl.