Choco's blah blah

Sometimes in life, things never really get better,

We just get used to the things as they are.

We learn to accept them,

And start to compromise.

Let me live?

India is changing. India is this. India is that. Blah blah blah. These are only words. Nothing else. Nothing has changed. It's still the same. People were stuck up then. People are stuck up now!

You call yourself human? Tell me what human is. Being the most superior creature on the earth doesn't make you human.

A couple of days back. Our maid's friend tried to kill herself. She got hit by a train. She is in the hospital right now. She had left a letter for her family in which she wrote about a lot of things. One of those things was, "Papa, you wanted me to kill myself, right? I am going. I am going to kill myself. I'm sorry for every pain I've caused you and mum and everyone." The reason behind her suicide attempt is stupid. I agree to that fact. She's in love with someone and blah blah. I don't know much. When our maid told us about it, my mum's reaction was, "Wow. Why didn't she just go and die if she really wanted to. Why did she leave a letter to blame his dad? If she had died, he'd understand that she did that because of him."

Really, how can she even think or talk about someone like that? She is worried about "getting parents blamed" for the whole suicide act. She is my mother and of course I love her. But such attitude is wrong. A couple of months back, I guess in April, when she had seen scars on my hand, her first reaction was: "Omg, why did you do that? What pain do we give you that you have to do this? Everyone will think we hurt you!"

..My mother was worried about what society is going to think. I didn't really say anything. Though I had done that because of her, her son and other people who made me think like I'm "waste of space" My parents are great. And, I love them. I'll never forgive you if try to hurt them or tried to do any sort of harm. But how they treat me.. hurts me. I hate being at home. I still remember the time when I had dreamed of having an amazing college life and everything but now I am just left with aches and pain.

You can live with all the insults and being caged in a house with all the facilities but I can't. I am not you. I have a life too. Yes, I want to move out. I don't want to be in India. This place has given me so much pain. I am not sure about life in other country but I do deserve a chance. It'll be hard for me to leave my parents behind. I love them way too much. But, I have to go and I want to go.

Parents expect us to fulfill all of their dreams in return of all the facilities they provide us and also expect us to stick to them. Why do we never get asked, what we want? I know I'll be called selfish and all kind of stuffs if I ever leave. To you, it may seem like a simple stupid rant or thought. But you haven't lived my life yet. Go ask my best friends how my days go by. They don't know the whole thing though. Because the only thing I get back is, "I'm sorry. Your parents are weird. Or I don't know what to say.."

Is there anyone who could tell me more than just "I don't know what to say?" I can go on and on with these sort of stuffs. It's not only getting physically and sexually abused. It's more than that. But I'll stop now. I'm sorry for such a long post.  Someone on tumblr told me about this song, "For you by Staind" It's sad that I can relate to every single word of that song. It's like, the song was composed for me.

To my mother, to my father,
It's your son or,

It's your daughter,

Are my screams loud enough for,

You to hear me, should I turn this up for you,

I sit here locked inside my head,
Remembering everything you said,
The silence gets us no where,
Gets us no where way too fast,

The silence is what kills me,
I need someone here to help me,
But you don't know,

How to listen,

And let me make,

My decision,

All your insults and your curses,
Make me feel like I'm not a person,

And I feel like I am nothing,

But you made me so,
Do something,

'Cause I'm ****ed up,
Because you all need attention,
Attention you couldn't give.

....

Changing one person's thought won't change the Indian society. Someone trying to kill themselves or self harming isn't a topic to laugh or gossip about. You never had to try those things. Congratulations. You're lucky. But, few people are not. It's a sad thing that people take such a big step of harming or killing themselves. Stop being so ignorant.

"..It's a sad world.."

It's a sad world.

Someone's crying, someone's dying,

But, still faking a smile.

Someone's hurt, someone's broken,

But still pretending to be fine.

Someone's drowning in plethora of emotions,

Someone's lost in memories.

But, still trying to find out the missing puzzle piece, 

Of their own selves. 

We're still alive,

We're still breathing,

We're not dead yet.

Rain and the Rainbow.

It started raining long time back. I'm not talking about the weather.. o.O It's about my life. Again. Sorry. o:

Everything is almost on track. Again. But, I'm a bit scared. It's not going to last. Ever heard of the "forgive and forget" thing? I don't know what I am feeling. But, I'm not able to hate certain people. My mum, my best friend, my used to be best friend and even my own brother. I haven't forgotten anything but still, they are my family..

*sigh* I'll be screwing up my exams for sure this time. I dunno. By the way, I forget why I started typing this post. I am forgetting everything. Everything is slipping away from my hand, it seems. It's like everything is going too fast and I'm not able to enjoy. It's funny, I spent 18 years of my life.. I never really had "actual" fun. Staying at home makes me sick..

Oh, yeah, I need to thank certain people, who wants to help me with the situation. It means a lot really. I mean it. I know I haven't written back to anyone yet but that's because I don't know what to do, what to say. I'm sorry. There's just too many things. At the end of the day, it's my own family, no? What will I gain? I do want to move and have a new life and live it in my own way but then again, I want to do it on my own. I really appreciate whatever you are trying to do or wanting to do. But, I still don't know. Just stay by my side? It'll the greatest thing that you can do for me. At least for now!

My exams are still on but it'll end soon. I have got a lot to say but still nothing. You people really give me strength. I feel better sometimes.. thinking about you all. I am just going with the flow. A bit stronger than before. I won't cut. I haven't cut in almost 3 months. I'll try to stay safe. c:

About the last post, I'll say it again, I don't think too much about it. But, you know, it happens everyday in my life, like, pretty looking girls (BIMBOS) of my class get all the attention, plus good marks. Yes, I said, good marks. Teachers don't even check their answers and give them full marks. Just because they have pretty face that doesn't mean they are intelligent or they know everything. I hate proving my existence again and again. That's it. You don't understand it unless you've been through the same. I don't even expect people to understand it. I am not you and you're not me.

It'll get better hopefully. The rain won't last forever. It shouldn't..

Mess

Hey, look, I'm a mess.

Sometimes more, sometimes less.

Every night, weary thoughts fill my head,

Makes me lay awake in a real cozy bed.

Pretty clothes, shoes, accessories and all the make up,

Fail to hide the blues, my face shows up.

Eyes look puffy and lips look numb.

Pretty much sure, I'll end up as society's another victim.

If God really exists and we are all his puppets.

Why did he make me so broken yet moppet?

People say, "You're beautiful.. inside."

Why didn't He make me beautiful outside?

If surface beauty means nothing,

Why does pretty faces get everything?

I know, I am a mess,

And this is completely injustice.

May be if I had a pretty face,

Fair skin, a nice body and a little grace,

Then may be, I didn't have to prove my existence,

Every now and then.

I'll never be good enough for them,

Initially they never consider me as a gem.

Everything I want is worth fighting for,

But not everything is worth dying for.

I am sick and tired now,

For how long do I have to fight to keep the vow?

The vow, I made to a couple of souls,

Who think that I play one of the important roles.

You don't know how does it feel when someone else gets chosen over you,

The feeling, I'm dealing with is nothing new.

I don't remember what's the best thing, happened to me in past 6 years,

I was only embraced by insecurities and fears.

I wish this was all a lie, an illusion or a nightmare.

I wish if I could just wake up and realize it wasn't there.

Make me skinny, Make me beautiful,
Or just take away all these feelings, so awful.

P.S. It's funny, how till yesterday, I was fine with the pain and the little joy. I don't feel the same now. I said, I'll be fine but it's easier said then done. Especially when someone keeps making you feel how terrible you are. I was sort of contented. I was doing what I wanted. I know what I am, who I am and where do I stand in people's life. You don't have to make realize it again and again and again.

I'm not alive if I'm not sharing.

"When everything is good in your life, every twisted thing happening in someone else's life seems like a drama.."

I am falling apart. I'm going insane. And once again, I'm at the point where it all had begun. I'm not alive if I'm not sharing. If I keep these stuffs only to myself, the chances are that I might give up and I don't want to do that. I don't know where to go.

How would you feel if the person, you used to trust the most gave up on you? Broken? Shattered? Numb? You usually trust your family first. But if your family is mean to you, You go to your friends and share everything with them 'cause you trust them and when that person tells you that he has given up on you and he can't listen to your "tragic tales" it sucks badly.

Insecurities have been crawling me since a very long time. And, I knew that if I kept sharing my insecurities, people would leave me. And that's what happened. It wasn't like I was sharing it with everyone I met. And often, I used to tell people that if I shared, they'd be speechless and everything would be awkward. And we might end up being strangers. And see, I was right. People are leaving me alone.

I literally don't have a single friend. There are people who I care about and who care about me but it's not the same anymore. I am not even interested to be friends with anyone. People disappointed you but it doesn't mean you'd disappoint them. Before I disappoint them it's better to fall apart.

I am not being a sadist. I'm okay. I promise. I did cry on the night when my friend told me that he had given up on me. I was really mad at him. And, I felt like a fool. But, next morning, the pain was gone. When I talk to new people, I try to act rude so that we never get attached and sometimes I just have nothing to say. It doesn't matter to me. So, it's good. Every time, when crap happens, I become more stronger. So, dear troubles, come at me bro. (:

Just Saying.

Certain thoughts and feelings inside your head and heart are immortal. You try to kill them, sometimes they disappear but they always come back.

P.S. Um, I don't know what to say.  Thanks for all the love and support that you people showed through mails, facebook messages, tweets and comments.. It means a lot. I'll be strong. Thanks. I know people want to help me but I don't know. I am not ready or may be I am. I want to live my life normally. I don't want to get highlighted everywhere. I know and I remember what I had written in my previous post. "I want the world to know" but not in that way. I mean, I am not starting a fight or movement or whatever you call it. What I wanted everyone to know is that I don't over react. Crap Happens. But you have never been through my life's crap. So you need to stop judging me. That's it.

I am taking a break again. I'm not sure if I'll post again soon but oh well. Don't get scared if I didn't reply to the mails and stuffs. I have to concentrate on my studies. =)

I'm a strong girl and I know it but if I give up on life then please don't call me a coward.

Yeah I know everyone's talking about the show Satyamev Jayate and I am going to do the same. But, I just want to thank Aamir Khan from the bottom of my heart. I don't know if you're ever going to read this or find this but I really mean it.. I'm just another victim who had almost lost her voice long back. But you and every single person who were on the show gave me the courage to speak out. Thanks a lot. It means a lot. I don't know why. I am glad that I am not the only one who is going through this.

I was watching the show with my mum and my brother. After a while my brother walked outta room and I started crying. My mum walked over to me and asked what's wrong and hugged me. And all I said was, "Why didn't you believe me mum? I had told you earlier" He entered and I pointed my finger at him. I told her everything again. She asked him and he lied. (Jeez, I am getting tears again)

As usual he lied. I thought this time mum would believe me. But I guess she loves her son more. I feel more crappy and it hurts more now. It hurts when your parents don't believe you. The people who were on the show know how I feel. She said, "You're committing a sin by saying so about your own brother." I told her that She and her son are the ones who are committing sin. I am not regretting. I am glad that I said so. Because I know that I'm not wrong.

 I even mentioned it on twitter. Not the whole thing but a little bit. I feel like laughing at them. I love the way everyone pretends there. So, people on there were like "Stop CSA" "Speak out loud" "Raise your voice against it" "I salute people who have gone through it" When I tweeted that I have been through it. No one uttered a word. Shame on such people. I am not saying that it matters. I am just telling that how everyone's so fake.

There are few people who knew about it and who have been with me. Marko, Juan, Kenzie, Raed, Sunakshi Di, Shravan and Amey. I don't know if I missing anyone's name but oh well. There are more people who know about it but it's like we stopped talking after a while. But you know, after knowing about whatever has happened to me, if people stops talking to me then it's their loss not mine. I don't even expect people to talk to me and I don't know why. It just doesn't matter to me anymore.

This was the second time when I tried telling her. But she blamed me. She asked why I didn't try to stop? Well, the people who know about it had asked the same question to me. I guess my mum didn't listen to the victims properly.

"You know that whatever is happening to you is not right but your body, your heart, your mind and even your soul gives up. You don't know how to protect yourself 'cause once you had tried telling your parents about it and if they couldn't help/believe you.. No one can.."

That's how I have been feeling. You start hating yourself. You start hating your own skin. I am crying. But it doesn't mean I am weak. I am strong. I am really strong and I'll always be strong. I know it. I am gonna do my college and get a job and move out forever and never look back.

People at my college don't know a thing about it. 3 girls from my school knew about it. But we don't talk anymore. It's 14th May. I had started writing this yesterday but couldn't complete it for some reason. One good thing that happened is I got my bed separated.  We are still in the same room but now I have my own bed. My mum didn't let me to tell my dad about it. My dad is not well right now and I'm scared that something might happen. So, I haven't told him anything yet. I'm afraid again. I don't want anything to happen to my parents. I'm still crying. And, I'm feeling terribly alone.

My mum wants me to be "nice" to my brother. She thinks that it's easy. Jeez. How can I even do that. I don't even feel like being nice to my mum. 

"..I feel stronger but I'm scared.
 I want to fly but I'm caged.

I want to smile but tears ain't stopping,

I want to breathe but this pain is choking.

I want to fly but I'm caged.."

I remember when I was 4 or 5 years old. There was this man who used to work at our studio. He used to kiss me and bite me all over. It used to hurt and after a few days, my mum saw marks/patches on my body. She asked and I told her about him. My mum told my dad and I guess after that.. my dad kicked him out. Until yesterday, I didn't know that it came under child sex abuse.

I just cannot stop thinking about these stuffs and stop crying over it. It hurts more. I have tried killing myself a lot of times. I feel like killing myself again but I want to live too. Why is it happening to me? Can I say "no one cares about me". My own mother doesn't seem to care. How can I expect others to care about me? 

The people who were supposed to care the most, care the least. I had promised certain people that I wouldn't try killing myself again. And I'm gonna try my best to keep that promise but if I fail, don't call me a coward 'cause you know what? Even killing yourself needs a lot of strength and courage.

I wrote my feelings down because I wanted to. I could have written it somewhere like my notebook but the world would fail to know or see who I am and where I stand. Yes. I really want the world to know about it. I want them to know that sometimes faking a smile is not that easy. These feelings are killing me inside and this is the reason why I stay quite.