=/

Blaah~ Why is it so difficult to be what you are? and Why we need to wear fake masks.. If you don't like anyone then why can't you just go and say "dude I don't like you" or "I hate you".. If someone's being mean to you then why can't you say "stop being mean to me!"

Why? Why do people lie? Why do they use each other? Why money is more important than love and friendship? Why do people take revenge? Why people hurt me? Why do I get so close to everyone I meet? Why do I give importance to everyone and everything everytime?

Tunesh is right.. the more I'll get close to others the more I'll get hurt.. But I can't fix this.. I am just the way I am.. I am really sensitive.. every single thing hurts me so badly. I can't pretend or hide my emotions in front of others.. If I don't like anyone I just say that on their face.. I never tried to take revenge.. always tried to forgive everyone.. but then what am I supposed to do when they do cheap stuffs again and again!

I am just so fed up of being used again and again.. Whats going in my mind I don't know but what I know is that its hurting me and making me cry.. Everything goes so well and suddenly within hours or minutes it seems so messed up.. I just wish if I could share my feelings to someone.. I wish if I could hug someone tight and cry..

Sometimes I feel so worthless.. You know I am just too scared of loosing anything. I don't wanna loose my friends, my classmates, My mom and dad, my bro and others.. Harpreet's death has realised me the worth of friends and family. I have become so damn possessive 'bout my friends.. and I really really hate Kritika and I hate Saket when he talks to her. Aaaah geez I feel like he is using me.. but then what was that? I mean the text that he sent me? Do I really mean so much to him? Does he really wants me to his best friend? Am I really special for him? Omg if so then I am being mean to him. But Saket is doing the same thing. I already told him that it hurts and plz don't do this again then why does he talk kritika? =/

Today during Hindi period, Kritika was sitting behind Saket.. Saket turned back and was talking to kritika.. I saw him and he saw me and smiled and said "shriti.." but I then I didnt reply, dint smile and looked dowmn and continued writting. He poked me after the class but I ignored that too and just moved out. Then he stopped me and asked if he has done anything? but I just said "no!!" I didnt even looked towards him. (Kya us buddhu insaan ko itna bhi samajh nahi aaya mera mood kyu kharab ho gya?)

Aaaaah Idk I just feel so ugly... Being the class monitor, getting good marks, being the house captain, wrtting poems and doing other stuffs is just not enough huh? Idk why I am thinking like this..? Idk what else I have to face?

"Teachers' day?"

Hellooo~ hahaha.. You know I had the best day in my life.. and sorry mera mood nahi ho raha ise english me translate karne ka.. We celebrated teachers' day on 4th in our school 'cause 5th September I mean today is sunday. :) btw.. Long post ahead.. o.o

Preparations was going well.. 3rd of september... we did stuffs.. Decorations ki incharge main thi so I was guiding other mates.. pura din fevicol, thermacol, sissor, cellotapes or sparkles k sath bita.. We didn't study whole day.. I was angry at Saket so I decided not to talk to him.. but usne hi pehle baat ki so response toh dena hi that :/

At 1:30 pm We all came back from school.. Some people took shower (like me jo decoration department me the) and again at 3:oo pm we went to school (almost all my class mates) for decorating the staff room and for other stuffs..also we had that chits thingie to decide who will give gifts to which teacher.. Mine was Sunil sir and peter ma'am. And then I was busy in decorating and guiding my classmates in staff room.. I was kinda annoyed coz of Saket coz he wasn't listening to me.. jo bhi kaam batao kisi aur ko keh kar bhag jata tha..

Jab staff room ke andar ka decoration khatam ho gya.. I came out to decorate the doors.. (me and darshu actually) and tunesh came and joined us.. we were talking at doing our work.. after sometimes darshu and tunesh had to go.. Saket came out of the room.. and others too left the school by 7:30pm and decided to come back at 5:00 am.. I was still there.. saket.. came and asked if I need any help.. I said no.. and asked my bro to help me who was napping.. but then saket was like.. "main yaha khada hu, tu mere ko nhi bol sakti kya?"

Me: raja andar room se aur crack paper le kar aa!!

Saket: phir wahi.. rook main lata hu..

and this went on.. v.v

then Kishan came, saket went and helped me.. I was there till 8:oo pm.. then when I was going back.. saw saket and prince.. said bye good night and all and came back home.. I was tired so I slept early.. around 10:30 pm when I was sleeping Manish called me to know bout anchoring and stuff..

Next day at 5:oo am I reached shool, then kishan came and then Saket and ayush.. phir kya kisi kisi ko call kar ke uthana pada..dheere sabhi aa gaye.. sabki shakal dekhne layak thi.. hahaha.. ek ghanta aise hi waste kiya.. main sab se keh rhi thi chalo decoration ka kaam kar lete hai par meri baat toh koi sunta hi nhi.. Sare kehne lage woh balloon aur flower wale ko aane de unlog kar lenge..

Phir pta nhi kyu kaha se kritika aa gyi!! :( use kuch kaam toh hai nhi bas ja kar ladko se chipki rehti hai.. I hate her~ Aur phir saket bhi humaira, komal k aane se pehle chup chap baitha hua tha.. koi kaam bolne par bhi nhi karta tha.. Whatever.. main usse gussa thi.. dekhte 7 baj gaye aur students bhi ana shuru ho gaye.. toh maine dheere dheere sab ko(friends) ko ghar jane ko kaha aur 7:30 am tak pahuchne ke liye kaha.. Sab toh chale bas main aur baki boys reh gaye.. aur thodi der baad main bhi chale gayi.. and at 8 am I reached school!!!!

Prepared for stuffs.. had school anthem and the program began. :) It was goin smoothly... but there were couple of flaws.. Manish ne anchoring k liye mana kar diya toh maine aur saket ne karne ka socha.. :) and then woh gifts wali baat.. mujhe sunil sir aur peter ma'am ko dena tha.. lekin shubham aur purvi ne diya :( I was so angry.. I told them that isliye main ana nhi chahti thi.. main library gayi aur rone lagi.. pata nahi kaha se pranay aa gaya.. wo mujhe cheer kar rha tha phir tanu ne prince aur manish ko bulaya.. wo bhi cheer kar rhe the.. main usi waqt school chod kar jane wali this par un teeno ne mujhe jane nahi diya..

phir kya? bas chup chap baat maan gayi.. main aur prince anchoring k liye gaye hi nahi.. prince aur saket ne sab kuch thik se sambhala(I mean stage me)  Mujhe baad me anchoring k liye bheja gaya lekin maine sab bigaad diya (x_X)!! at last sab thik ho gaya.. I danced too hehe~

We played games with teachers.. had food and asked if they liked what we did? Then they told it was the best teachers' day in the history of weidner... we were so happy but then we realised we are in 12th and we have only 5 months more to spend time together in school, with teachers and friends.. Sab toh chup ho gaye the parmera rona band hi nhi hua.. I hugged simran, sushma and srishti and was crying.. Saket came and mera hath pakda aur kaha ahi toh hum sab yahi hai na chup ho ja.. and then rupesh and others came with their cellphone and cameras to take my pics.. o.O

I stopped crying but then moti Anisha ne fir mood kharab kar diya Sunil sir ko gifts wali baat bata kar.. woh chup nahi reh sakti kya? x_X Mera rona fir shuru.. Main sab se dur.. school building k bahar aa kar ro rahi thi.. Srishti aur Anubha ne dekha.. mujhe chup karana chaha par nhi hui.. Sophia ma'am ne mujhe dekha.. aur shayad Tunesh aur chicky ko bheja.. aur chicky mujhe khich kar andar le gaya..!!

Andar gayi par kisi se baat nahi kiya... chup chap baithi this kamesh, suchchi ne khilane k liye kiya par.. :/ phir manni aur pankaj ne kuch khane ko kaha.. Phir Saket ne mujhe dekha.. woh aya mere paas.. and he asked me what happened and why 'am not talking or eating? I didn't answer him.. Purvi and Darshu were next to me.. He asked Purvi what's wrong with me? then she replied "aakhri saal hai na isliye.."

then he: haan shriti tu mere ko chod ke ja rahi hain? and I just poked him.. :| Anisha ko koi kaam toh tha nahi Saket ko bula liya aur meri roti hui pic le li..

Phir purvi ne mujhe apne haatho se ek bite khilaya.. maine mana kiya par phir usne kaha plz mere liye.. toh phir khana hi padha.. phir Darshu ne apni kasam de kar ek aur bite khilaya.. then may be saket ne unhe dekh liya tha toh woh bhi aa gaya aur use dekh kar Prince bhi aya.. phir dono ne apne hatho se ek ek baar khilaya..

baad me jab main ja rahi thi toh saket aur manish ne mujhe apne paas bulaya... mujhe kaha agar nahi toh soch lena.. o.O main gayi.. mujhe waha baithaya.. Pranay bhi wahi tha.. Saket ne use mujhe apne haatho se khilane ko kaha.. tu usne bhi khilaya (actually mujhe aur pranay ko mere friends bina matlab chidhate hai..aur unhe pata hai ki hum dono k bich kuch nahi hai phir bhi time paas karte hai hume chidha kar) phir mera mood bhi thik ho gaya..

main sab ki pics le rahi thi Tunesh k cellphone se kyuki mera cell koma me tha. saket bola: "humare sath baithi toh achcha nhi lag raha tha kya?" I smiled and continued taking pics. :)

then jab sara khana khatam ho chuka tha mujhe bhuk lag rahi thi xD lol I told this to pranay, manish and prince.. I said "meri toh googly ho gayi us waqt bhuk nhi thi aur jab khane ko kuch nhi hain mujhe bhuk lag rhi hai.. aur lagti bhi kyu nahi.. subah 4:30 bje se dopahar 3 bje tak kuch khaya hi nhi tha.. lekin manish aur pranay ne kuch aur bahar se mangwaya mere liye par wo mujhe pasand nhi tha.. :/

Lekin tanu ne apni kasam de kar ek baar khilaya.. phir Saket ne aur is tarah mujhe khila hi diya! awesome right? phir ice cream ki baari.. lekin butterscotch tha islye nahi khana chahti thi.. Par phiR sAket ne khila hi diya.. :3

I went home at 4:30 but then I wanted to stay so I came back and I saw.. saket bench par leta tha aur manish aur sirf kritika thi... I was so angry.. :/ cause he told me  few hrs ago that he will not talk to kritika and again and whatever he did before was for purpose.. and I am his nice friend.. Main dusre room me gayi jaha baaki sab bhi the... waha par pta chala ki kritika un logo se mili hi nhi aur unhe ye bhi nahi pata ki woh ab tak school me hai.. anyways it made me more angry but then I decided not to think bout it and enjoy with other friends.. we were listening to song, singing, laughing and doing stuffs...then Manni asked me to bring his bag from next room..

I agreed but when I went.. there was nothing.. I thought may be next classroom me hoga.. and yeah it was there..  main bas andar gayi aur bag liya aur ja rahi thi usi waqt manish bola" shriti good morning" phir use sun kar.. saket bola: shriti tu toh chale gayi thi wapas kab ayi?"

Me: bahut pehle kyu?

He was saying something but I kinda ignore it.. and I was just saying "bhag ja rehne de.." later I said "tu thodi der pehle mere ko kya bola tha?" and then I came out.. :/

Anyways later we all came back home and collapsed on the bed..

Next morning I woke up at 9:oo am o.O (i mean today) and then around 9:30 recieved Saket's text saying " good morning" I didnt check my cell at that time but then after 5 mins.. I recieved another text after  5 mins "oye so rahi hai kya? and sorry"

Me: nhi aur sorry kisliye?

He: kal tu chale gayi thi na tab main na Kishan aur tanu ko akele time spent karne k liye unko chod kar next room me letne chale gaya tha aur manish aur kritika apne kisi purane matter k baare me baat kar rhe the.. sach me chup chap tha..

Me: mmm its okay..

He(after 20 mins may be): sorry for late reply I was talking to a frnd.

Me: ...? main kuch boli hi nhi!

He: tu gussa hai na mere se sach sach bata?

Me: thoda sa..

He: Plz yaar m really sorry.. ek baat kahu.. teri aur prince ki jesi frndship hai na us tarah tu bhi mere liye bahut khaas hai. Blahe hi main tera new frnd hu but tu mere liye bahut khaas hai..sachchi

Me: (T_T) main tujhe kya bolu..!? kuch nhi hota rehne de.. But plz next time aisa mat karna.. hurt hota hai.. aur prince aur tunesh ki tarah tu bhi mere liye special hai.. bhale hi tujhe aaye ek saal hua ho par main nhi chahti ki humari friendship tute.. tu  toh mere close frnds me se  hai jo raat bhar meri bakwaas sunta hai.. aur plz aisa mat sochna ki tu mere liye special nahi hai..

He: ok but sorry

Me: its okay :)

and thats it.. happy ending ^^ haha.. why wrote this coz it was the best thing in my life so far.. I never wanted it to end.. i just wish.. hum kuch aur din saath reh sakte.. Atleast a week without tension, full on masti and friends! ^_^

choco's blah blah..!?

"..Eveytime I try to keep my hopes up,

it falls and every colour of life seems grey,

and you know its too hard to see it

slowly fade away.."

P.S. what I did  today? Oh well I am fasting 'cause of Janmashtmi.. We went to Anisha's place for meeting.. yeah meeting for deciding stuffs for teacher's day.. I am not going to attend it so I just went to have some fun!! We celebrated Saket's birthday again :) yup yup we had fun :) and yeah I told my friends that I am not going to attend teachers day and their reaction was.. fine.. if you will not attend then don't talk to us.. >_< They asked me what' wrong? and they are worried and you know its so hard to lie to your friends!! >.<

"..away.."

Whenever I think of you,

my soul smiles, my heart sings;

sorrows fly across the blue,

and joy embraces their darlings..

You stay in my falsifying dreams;

Without you every charming moment,

in light and dark screams;

the lovely views aren't vibrant..

My comrades stay by my side,

their company and care belongs to blessed ones;

My tears and scars hide,

as our companionship toughens..

They never let me feel alone,

but my heart is sure that one day,

I'll be surrounded by loneliness when I'll finally disown

togetherness; and my smile will be gone away..

PS: today is Saket's birthday ^-^ Wished him at 12 am and thought that i would be the first one to wish him.. but damn >_< kritka wished him couple of seconds before me!! *sigh* I hate her!! :o  We talked till 1 am yesterday XD hahaha.. and then he didn't come to to school cause he was going to Raipur but then he came to school to return my notebook and then he went :) Oh btw.. I don't want to attend teachers day and yesh cause of kritika.. 5th of sept is sunday so we are having it on 4th  >.< I told my friends that I'll do everything(I mean help) but won't attend the main function!! >.>

"..my destiny.."

When tired eyes look up at the sky,

they smile slightly and shed tears of joy,

As many times as they blink they sigh,

they think of you and wish to fly..

'cause my dreams now seem blue,

I whisper your name quietly and feel you,

the darkness fill my heart with fear,

and I just wish you were here..

A secret aspiration of my cursed soul,

might come true but not the whole,

I swear, you are my very melody,

all I need you is to be my destiny..

"..fading charm.."

Alone in togetherness;

that is linked with an unbreakable thread,

but still sportivity and glee seems dead,

little puffy eyes are now hopeless..

My soul is like an ocean so deep;

Aspiration to kiss the moon;

and to fly might make it immune;

May be then the silence won't weep..

Some rumors might be untrue,

but when heart aches,

sweet moments never retakes;

and disguise feelings are never few..

Crying a silent tear,

with every moment that pass by;

Staying at a place where illusions lie,

and where I hide from my fear..

I wish to have an overseeing power,

So tired of being betrayed every now and then;

and 'am sure I'll have to face it once again,

No wonder why they call me a fading charm in sun shower?

P.S. My head is hurting.. -.-" umm I went to tunesh's home for the first time.. It was nice :) I felt like Saket was jealous to know that :P

P.P.S. I am the leader of yellow house.. o.o umm me and Aakib actually and guess what? Tunesh, Saket, Manish and Pratish are in my house!! :))

P.P.P.S got full marks in Maths test!! :D

"Why?"

Dreams are sweet,

and bitter is reality;

I am in love with the place,

where I find solace and sanity..

I don't fear world,

cause darkness made me bold;

Tears of blood I cry;

Every moment that pass by,

makes my soul weep and sigh..

Moon up there smiles at me,

Stars shoot to feel glee,

I wonder why silence die

and why doesn't nature lie?

P.S. heyyy ^-^ haha how are you? umm i want to dedicate this poem to shekish..an amazingly, awesomely, cute and sweet person..

P.P.S. Saket is back from Pune.. o.o and I screwed up Physics test today.. and I am thinking to return to blogosphere.. yeah I'm back and I'll be regular now!! :)

P.P.P.S. Our school has divided the students into 4 houses (groups) And guess what I am leader of one of the house and I guess its blue house XD

Mixed feelings! o.o

Hehehe.. lots of weird, stupid, cute feelings.. Yeah right now 'am smiling and the reason behind it..? mmm I don't Know..Haha.. what's happening in school? Nothing much but still 'am enjoying it :) Manish and Prince keep teasing me all through the day and I do the same!!

19th August was Tunesh's birthday.. :) On 18th I was dead tired but still I was online till 11:45 pm coz I didnt want to sleep before wishing tunesh at 12.. Texted him.. and then again at 4 am I wished him again.. Unfortunately he didn't recive any text!! x.x Reached tution at 5:20 am.. wished him again.. asked him if he had recieved any text.. he said "NO"

I was like arghhh damn >.< Why does it always happen with us? :/

Next day, Tunesh said " I was really expecting a text from you!!" and I was like I swear I did text you that too twice.. You are my best friend.. Why wouldn't I?

huh *sigh* why does it always happen with us?? D':

Anyways, We are more strong now :) Nothing can come between us.. We were best friends, we are and we will be forever (I just hope)

Saket... well he is Pune right now -.-" He went on 20th night :/ Ummm.. the day he was leaving we talked alot before tutions and even when it was raining we went to the tutions.. :))

He reached Pune on 21st and texted me.. I was glad that atleast he cared to text and inform.. Had a quite long convo. :) And I kinda miss him and why shouldn't I? HE is one of my besties.. so what if he is mean sometimes.. We are texting everyday :) But I am annoyed of his late reply.. -.-" hmmm He'll be back on 25th that means two more days to go! :D

LOL its good that at school, I don't have to see Saket and Divya or Komal and Saket or Kritika and Saket together.. Oh well it really makes me cry when I see them like that! >.> Glad that they are wandering like a "bhatakti atma" and I dont have to listen to their blah blah!! XD