Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Am I bad person for waiting to die?

The number of cuts I make on my body are actually the number of times I get murdered by people's words and actions.
If people tried to look back at my old posts, you wouldn't find a lot of happy posts. But yes, you'll find hundreds of dark ones. Will you say that I have been depressed since then? Is it really depression? Am I really depressed? Things changed, people changed, I changed, memories have started to fade away but I regret nothing. I cannot look at the brighter side anymore but I can always hope for it. Have I really forgotten  how to smile or be happy? Why doesn't the stress go away? Why always one thing gets better but the very next moment other things start to fall apart? I work so hard. I don't do anything wrong. I do not cuss. I do not lie to parents and bunk classes and go for movies and stuff. I always think about others first. Then why doesn't things go right for me? Why do those hypocrites who keep lying, who keep doing the wrong things get everything? Why do they even pass? 
5th of September can be termed as another darkest day in my life. I got beaten up again. This time I got insulted by own brother in the bus for no reason. I reached home. I told my mum. He did the same. But still mum thought it was all my fault so she tried to hit me. We were downstairs, at the main gate and a few people were there. I did get a bit angry. Who wouldn't? Then upstairs, I was telling her my things and he was telling about his things. Mum was still mad at me. And then she said something mean to me. I told her the same thing back. And that's it. That thing was enough for her to beat me up. I know it was my fault. I shouldn't have said that. But I was just angry and it just came out of my mouth. So she kept hitting me. Who wouldn't scream in pain at that moment? I kept screaming and she kept beating me up so that shut up! But how can anyone expect that one would shut up by getting beaten up. 
Things started to get worse. I was more angry and in pain that I asked her to kill me all at once instead of beating me up to death. She became more angry. Grabbed my throat, choked my breath, hit my head against the floor. Later she went in the kitchen, left me on the floor, half unconscious, in pain, crying, screaming, weeping. She came back with a flat spoon made up of stainless steel. Started hitting me again. I got a small cut on my arm. It was really tiny to be honest. I was wearing a long sleeve Kurta but still I got cut so you can imagine how much pain I had to go through. Then she started kicking me. She even kicked my face. My mouth started to bleed a little too. It was all red that day. And next day it became white and was swollen a little. It still hurts badly. I cannot even open my mouth, smile or talk.
I ended up cutting myself that night. For the next two days, I couldn't even touch my head or body because it was hurting me that much. My head starts hurting all of sudden when I am at college or home. I do not even feel like telling people about these things, you know? Because, I am literally tired and sick of telling or trusting people.
If you think I wrote this for gaining attention then screw you and your thoughts. I could have written this on fb or told this to everyone personally on the same day. I would have never asked people to save my classmate's life. I did everything for others while going through that crap.

P.S. DO NOT HATE ON MY MOTHER. DO NOT EVEN TRY TO CURSE HER. I STILL LOVE HER AND I WILL ALWAYS LOVE HER. SHE IS A GREAT LADY. I DON'T HATE HER. I ONLY HATE WHAT SHE DOES TO ME. THE REASON I WROTE THIS WAS BECAUSE I WANTED TO GET THINGS OFF MY CHEST.

6 comments:

Ajay Kontham said...

The first para felt like I was taking to myself.

Rest, I really don't know what to say. :/

Just take Care. :)

Nida Fatima said...

I don't have anything else to say. I love you.

Fatima said...

A little bit here and there felt like my own life, minus the beating...

I'm at loss of words..just don't leave hope..

Take Care

AJai said...

Forget it... move on...

Guidance ✰ said...

I really admire the fact that you still love your mom even after she's beaten you up like that..
Honestly, your mother has anger problems.. No one deserves to be beaten like that! Do you know they can take you away from her for abuse?
You should talk to her, try to understand each other, or have an adult talk to her and tell her that's not the way to raise your children..

jnana said...

Nobody has a right to put a finger on you, not even your own blood. Even if there's nothing you can do about it, never tell yourself it's your fault. Recognize it as something wrong that's happening to you, and when you have kids of your own, treat them with all the love and tenderness you can come up with. This is the only real solution I can think of.