Outburst.

"..What I want, I can't have. What I have, I don't need. What I seek, I can't find. What I found, I can't deal with. What I've dealt with, I never deserved it..."

Why do I get so frustrated? Is it normal? I didn't go to college on Monday. Because, I don't know. There's just no point of doing anything anymore. Everything is so screwed up. I hate those people at my college anyways. I am so sick of everything that's happening around! Of course people want to have a new start of their lives but it doesn't mean that they'll kick out the old ones outta their lives. I know most of the people who'll read this are going to tell me "it's okay", "happens to everyone", blah blah blah. I know dammit! I know. But I don't want it to happen anymore. I really want my happiness to last a  little longer. I really do. Why do even start trusting people? Why do I always end up telling them how much they mean to me? And, even when I tell them, why do they take me for granted? Is there any person with who I can share all these feelings? NO. 

I know I am ruining myself by thinking about the past and all the crap. And being suicidal or depressed. But, I am sorry. It's just me. You have no idea, what I want, what I am dealing with or what my family is dealing with. I understand their issues. But I want them to understand mine. And if anyone out there's thinking of helping me out then forget it. It's probably too late and pointless. You cannot do anything about it. Stay away from me. You don't have to try to contact me or my family or anyone! YOU WILL JUST MAKE IT WORSE. I'll be fine hopefully.

To the person, who told me that I made my life this way.. if you're reading this then I wanna know what do you even know about me? Although, I have already replied to your comment on that post. So go check it and tell me again that I did it all and it's all my mistake!

Choco's blah blah..

How weird can it be when someone asks you, "If you're not contented with your life then why don't you work on making it better?" and you just sit there and say, "I don't want it to get better because I am hopeless, my life is hopeless. I don't want it to get better because the only thing I want is death."

Rest In Peace.

It's been 3 years since she passed away. There were so many unsaid things that were needed to be said. You hear a bad news about someone and your heart sinks. You keep praying and praying and wish everything goes right. You cry, you beg, you try to do every possible thing to at least see her one last time. Then, someone tells you that she's stable and recovering. You feel relieved. You do not beg anymore 'cause you start believing that she'll be alright and she'll be fine. Everything goes back to almost normal. And one night, it starts suffocating you. You start crying insanely, not knowing of what's happening or what's going to happen. Next morning, your other friends are making you laugh at the tution and then suddenly your Chemistry teacher tells you that your best friend is dead..

You start shaking. You call up people and let them know. You still wish it's just a rumor, a bad pathetic joke. You somehow mange to reach home. You tell your mother. You go and take shower and wonder why are you not crying.. You get ready to go to school. You reach school. You see people with sad faces. You see red eyes everywhere. September 18th, the principal comes over to address you all. He starts talking about your best friend and you get goosebumps. You fall right on your knees and start crying. You realize, she ain't coming back. She's dead. Your soul sister is dead. 

Goddammit. Am I supposed to cry right now? I don't know. I miss her. I have always missed her. I cry every time I tell someone about her. I was 15.. And the only person who cared so much about me was gone. Forever. You know, she was like a lucky charm to me. All of her wishes that she made for me came true. Everything got messed since then. Even the wish where she said, "If there's anyone who's going to die, it'll be me, not you.." You have know idea how does that feel like. It's sort of a guilt. If I hadn't told her about my stomach tumor thing, she wouldn't have said that. I have had dreams about her where she is smiling, standing on the front door, laughing and teasing me, asking me to meet her soon 'cause she wants to tell me something. A friend told me, when you see a dead person smiling in your dreams, it means that they are in better place. I hope that's true. I hope she is happy.

Do you?

Do you ever get so annoyed or pissed at something that you start crying? Do you ever regret for expecting something from someone you never met? Do you really think you want to live when you start wishing for death, every time the clock hits 11:11? Do you really think you are not mess when you can't even speak of what's inside your head?

"I hope.."

I hope you stay, when I ask you to go.

I hope you pick me up, when I am falling apart.

I hope you guide me, when I get lost.

I hope you tell me "it's okay", when everything goes wrong.

I hope you make me feel better, when I am sick.

I hope you make me smile, when everything in the world is making me cry.

I hope you kiss it all better, when my skies are turning gray.

I hope you keep me in your heart, when I vanish from the world.

Am I bad person for waiting to die?

The number of cuts I make on my body are actually the number of times I get murdered by people's words and actions.

If people tried to look back at my old posts, you wouldn't find a lot of happy posts. But yes, you'll find hundreds of dark ones. Will you say that I have been depressed since then? Is it really depression? Am I really depressed? Things changed, people changed, I changed, memories have started to fade away but I regret nothing. I cannot look at the brighter side anymore but I can always hope for it. Have I really forgotten  how to smile or be happy? Why doesn't the stress go away? Why always one thing gets better but the very next moment other things start to fall apart? I work so hard. I don't do anything wrong. I do not cuss. I do not lie to parents and bunk classes and go for movies and stuff. I always think about others first. Then why doesn't things go right for me? Why do those hypocrites who keep lying, who keep doing the wrong things get everything? Why do they even pass? 

5th of September can be termed as another darkest day in my life. I got beaten up again. This time I got insulted by own brother in the bus for no reason. I reached home. I told my mum. He did the same. But still mum thought it was all my fault so she tried to hit me. We were downstairs, at the main gate and a few people were there. I did get a bit angry. Who wouldn't? Then upstairs, I was telling her my things and he was telling about his things. Mum was still mad at me. And then she said something mean to me. I told her the same thing back. And that's it. That thing was enough for her to beat me up. I know it was my fault. I shouldn't have said that. But I was just angry and it just came out of my mouth. So she kept hitting me. Who wouldn't scream in pain at that moment? I kept screaming and she kept beating me up so that shut up! But how can anyone expect that one would shut up by getting beaten up. 

Things started to get worse. I was more angry and in pain that I asked her to kill me all at once instead of beating me up to death. She became more angry. Grabbed my throat, choked my breath, hit my head against the floor. Later she went in the kitchen, left me on the floor, half unconscious, in pain, crying, screaming, weeping. She came back with a flat spoon made up of stainless steel. Started hitting me again. I got a small cut on my arm. It was really tiny to be honest. I was wearing a long sleeve Kurta but still I got cut so you can imagine how much pain I had to go through. Then she started kicking me. She even kicked my face. My mouth started to bleed a little too. It was all red that day. And next day it became white and was swollen a little. It still hurts badly. I cannot even open my mouth, smile or talk.

I ended up cutting myself that night. For the next two days, I couldn't even touch my head or body because it was hurting me that much. My head starts hurting all of sudden when I am at college or home. I do not even feel like telling people about these things, you know? Because, I am literally tired and sick of telling or trusting people.

If you think I wrote this for gaining attention then screw you and your thoughts. I could have written this on fb or told this to everyone personally on the same day. I would have never asked people to save my classmate's life. I did everything for others while going through that crap.

P.S. DO NOT HATE ON MY MOTHER. DO NOT EVEN TRY TO CURSE HER. I STILL LOVE HER AND I WILL ALWAYS LOVE HER. SHE IS A GREAT LADY. I DON'T HATE HER. I ONLY HATE WHAT SHE DOES TO ME. THE REASON I WROTE THIS WAS BECAUSE I WANTED TO GET THINGS OFF MY CHEST.

Finally.

Omg, I feel a little blessed at the moment. You know, when you cry after knowing about something good, you have really been fighting way too long for that good thing to happen to you. I passed 2nd semester. I got 74%. I still hate the fact that I couldn't be the class topper again. Another girl got 74.6% and she is the topper in my class. Eh, I can't help it, I am greedy. Anyhow, tomorrow is going to be a terrible day for me.

"..If I could, I would.."

If I could stop my tears, I would.

If I could stop the pain, I would.

If I could stop this feeling, I would.

Only, if I could kill myself, I would.

"How can you.."

How can you be fine,

When you know nothing for you,

Falls in line?

How can you smile,

When there are hundreds of people around you,

Planning to steal it in the meanwhile?

How can you say that you are happy,

When you cry yourself to sleep most of the nights,

'cause you cannot fight all the feelings so crappy?

How can you say that you've mates,

When you can't find a company to rejoice, 

Or a shoulder to cry or someone who waits?

How can you not lie to people about not being stressed or depressed,

When you know that people with happy faces,

Are the only ones who are embraced?

How can you not say, "it's okay" or "I'm okay",

When you know that it doesn't matter anymore,

'cause you get used to pain day by day?

How can you not wish for death,

every time the clock hits 11:11,

When you know that everything around you chokes your breath?