"Every night.."

Every night the sadness, 

Overpowers the sanity in her.

She lies paralyzed in the cold bed,

As the sadness carves out a void in her chest.

She says, "Things seem better when I'm not awake."

Someone hug her tight and prove her wrong for God's sake.

After all this time of,  
Wanting to be someone, 
Who mattered, 
Or someone who made, 
A difference in people's lives, 
I've come to the realization that,
I’m not important, 
I do not matter, 
I do not make any difference, 
In anyone's life.
I am not special.

Do you?

Do you smile or grimace,

when you see my name flashing, 

on your phone screen?

Do you think about me,

as much as I think about you,

when I wake up and fall back asleep?

Do you like my company,

or wish to be left alone,

when things start to fall apart?

Do you find me,

annoying or wonderful when,

I tell you about my day?

Do you miss me,

when we are not talking?

Do you wish we could be something, 
more than what we are now?
Do you wish we lived closer,
so we could know each better?

It's been such a long time since I wrote anything really nice and good. Apparently, writing out all the emotions doesn't help either. I want to create something really beautiful but I haven't been able to do that. Things are extremely messy right now. 

Although I'm not prepared for the exams but I'm desperately waiting for the exams so I can do something else. And right now, since the exams have been postponed for an unspecified duration., I have started on my vocational training but I can't completely focus on that either. I've got a lot of things to do but I can't. Not even the things that I enjoy, the things that make me feel better and that is pretty stressful. I want to read a couple of books, I want to paint a picture, I want to write, I want to study, I want to start talking to some of my old friends again,  I want to Skype with my online friends and the stress isn't letting me to do anything. It's rather frustrating. 

I'm worried about so many stuffs at the moment and I honestly feel too weak and alone to handle it. Dad's sickness, mum's extra workload, exams(CSVTU scams), training, my own sickness, glaucoma and PCOS. And I really wish my friends could understand that. If I were at school right now, my school friends would have probably figured it out by now and probably would have done something to make me feel better. But this is life. Everyone leaves. Your friends leave too and you have to live on your own and I am living on my own. 

I can handle it pretty well during the day. The thoughts don't make me go crazy during the day but at 1 AM these thoughts make my bones ache and my stomach rumble, making me want to throw up right away or just pop all the pills at once and put an end to this. I have also found myself a little desperate for actual human care. I want someone to get worried when I'm not talking or texting them. I want someone to notice my absence. I want to be someone's favorite person and important person. I don't want to be taken for granted anymore but I also don't want any forced friendship with certain people. I wonder why am I not important for any of my friends though.

I'm that friend to whom people text when they can't sleep not because they are thinking about me or know that I can fix their trouble just through a conversation. They text me because they know that the only person who stays up late all the time is me.

A voice is screaming in her head,

Struggling to break free, 

and get lost in the air.

It's once again, 

hard to figure out,

whether it's pain or fear.

Eyes are tired, 

of holding back the tears,

that've been trapped, 

with all the unhealthy emotions.

Overwhelmed by her own feelings,

She wishes to escape to a place,

and feel numb again.

Digging her nails,

into her own skin,

She's hoping for the physical pain, 

to overcome the emotional pain.

It's starting to get bad again,

She's falling into the darkest hole,

that's been created in her own head.

Untitled

I hope the unhealthy thoughts die, 
as soon as I type them on this paper. 
I'm really sorry, 
but I'm tempted to harm myself again tonight, 
for the things I failed to accomplish.
And I know you are going to stop me,
and tell me I'm perfect ,
but I know it's not true.
The truth is that I'm not okay. 
The truth is that I'm pretty damaged. 
The truth is that I'm easily replaceable, 
and I hate being so. 
When I raise my hand, 
they try to reach for the blades instead of pens. 
They try to paint my arms red with the razor,
when I try to pour myself out on a paper.
Being aware of all the beautiful things in the world,
I'd never choose myself over someone who is better.
But I want you to choose me.
I know that's insane,
but I really want you to choose me.

Not enough.

She is that wounded person,

who has been trying, 

to protect and fix, 

everything for everyone;

because she knows,

how it feels when everything,

falls apart.

But that's not enough.

She is being their warm, 

and safe duvet trying ,

to put everyone back to sleep; 

keeping them from, 

screaming in horror,

while the monsters of the night,

fill the room with,

chilled daunting aura.

But that's not enough.

She holds their hand when,

they decide to start all over again. 

But that's not enough. 

She has been taking, 

their cuts and scratches, 

and sucking up the poison, 

but that's not enough. 

Nothing she does is enough. 

Someone make her stop.

Life is too short to live for, 

someone who doesn't care.

She is running out strength. 

She is running out of hope.

She is running out of love. 

She is running out of air.

She can't do it anymore,

Someone do her a favor,

Give her back her smile,

and bring her back to her life.

I want to forget you.
Erase and white wash,
the darkest corner of my mind,
where you hide.

I want to stop,
writing verses that
follow the traces of
your existence.

I want the scars,
on my arms to fade soon,
so "our good times and bad times"
stop replaying itself,
over and over again.

I want to burn down,
the feelings I had for you,
when I was too foolish,
to think that you cared.