We humans are the biggest liars and hypocrites when it comes to accepting our feelings. When we try to befriend a person online, we convince ourselves that the person is real but when we start to fall in love with the same person, we start convincing ourselves that it's not real. Nothing about the person, or the feeling is real. 

It hurts

It hurts that you don't know.
It hurts that I've done it again,
And already falling for you every second.
It hurts that you like me
but you don't love me.
It hurts that you like my eyes and smile
but it's not something that makes you happy.
It hurts that I'm thinking about you so much 
these days and you have no idea about it.

Free

I want to be free.

In the most innocent yet wildest sense,

I want to be free.

I don't want to be bound,

By complicated relationships, absurd life goals, 

Or any haunting past memories,

That does nothing but makes me more insane,

With every passing second.

I want to be free.

Like the deep oceans and the cold night wind,

I want to be free.

I want to sing, dance and feel infinity.

And as crazy as it sounds,

I want to burn my body down,

And rise again from the ground.

I want to be free.

I want to break free from this skin;

Break free from the emptiness and numbness both at once;

Break free from the pain and depression,

That controlled my life for all these years.

I want to be free.

Free like a shooting star, 

Escaping the darkness of the night.

Free like a soaring kite, 

Playing hide and seek with the clouds in the sky.

Labyrinth of suffering

The night makes her vulnerable,

And the smile refuses to fool other people.

All of her broken pieces glued together start to fall apart,

And the paralyzing pain start to stab the heart.

The secrets get ready to spill out of her eyes,

As she starts to paste a story full of sweet lies.

Some nights, she laughs too much and then starts to cry.

The fears crawl up and she questions "why?"

She'd like to live but she'd also like die for sure;

Apparently, she's not sure of what she craves more.

As this absurd thought escapes the darkest corner of her mind,

She instantly goes blind.

People who believe that she's blessed,

Certainly have no idea that she's full of self hatred.

She's struggling between the thought of wanting, 

Someone to hold her and tell her that it's alright.

And the thought of putting an end to this labyrinth of suffering,

Right here tonight.

"Every night.."

Every night the sadness, 

Overpowers the sanity in her.

She lies paralyzed in the cold bed,

As the sadness carves out a void in her chest.

She says, "Things seem better when I'm not awake."

Someone hug her tight and prove her wrong for God's sake.

After all this time of,  
Wanting to be someone, 
Who mattered, 
Or someone who made, 
A difference in people's lives, 
I've come to the realization that,
I’m not important, 
I do not matter, 
I do not make any difference, 
In anyone's life.
I am not special.

Do you?

Do you smile or grimace,

when you see my name flashing, 

on your phone screen?

Do you think about me,

as much as I think about you,

when I wake up and fall back asleep?

Do you like my company,

or wish to be left alone,

when things start to fall apart?

Do you find me,

annoying or wonderful when,

I tell you about my day?

Do you miss me,

when we are not talking?

Do you wish we could be something, 
more than what we are now?
Do you wish we lived closer,
so we could know each better?

It's been such a long time since I wrote anything really nice and good. Apparently, writing out all the emotions doesn't help either. I want to create something really beautiful but I haven't been able to do that. Things are extremely messy right now. 

Although I'm not prepared for the exams but I'm desperately waiting for the exams so I can do something else. And right now, since the exams have been postponed for an unspecified duration., I have started on my vocational training but I can't completely focus on that either. I've got a lot of things to do but I can't. Not even the things that I enjoy, the things that make me feel better and that is pretty stressful. I want to read a couple of books, I want to paint a picture, I want to write, I want to study, I want to start talking to some of my old friends again,  I want to Skype with my online friends and the stress isn't letting me to do anything. It's rather frustrating. 

I'm worried about so many stuffs at the moment and I honestly feel too weak and alone to handle it. Dad's sickness, mum's extra workload, exams(CSVTU scams), training, my own sickness, glaucoma and PCOS. And I really wish my friends could understand that. If I were at school right now, my school friends would have probably figured it out by now and probably would have done something to make me feel better. But this is life. Everyone leaves. Your friends leave too and you have to live on your own and I am living on my own. 

I can handle it pretty well during the day. The thoughts don't make me go crazy during the day but at 1 AM these thoughts make my bones ache and my stomach rumble, making me want to throw up right away or just pop all the pills at once and put an end to this. I have also found myself a little desperate for actual human care. I want someone to get worried when I'm not talking or texting them. I want someone to notice my absence. I want to be someone's favorite person and important person. I don't want to be taken for granted anymore but I also don't want any forced friendship with certain people. I wonder why am I not important for any of my friends though.

I'm that friend to whom people text when they can't sleep not because they are thinking about me or know that I can fix their trouble just through a conversation. They text me because they know that the only person who stays up late all the time is me.