Choco's blah blah

Sometimes in life, things never really get better,

We just get used to the things as they are.

We learn to accept them,

And start to compromise.

Let me live?

India is changing. India is this. India is that. Blah blah blah. These are only words. Nothing else. Nothing has changed. It's still the same. People were stuck up then. People are stuck up now!

You call yourself human? Tell me what human is. Being the most superior creature on the earth doesn't make you human.

A couple of days back. Our maid's friend tried to kill herself. She got hit by a train. She is in the hospital right now. She had left a letter for her family in which she wrote about a lot of things. One of those things was, "Papa, you wanted me to kill myself, right? I am going. I am going to kill myself. I'm sorry for every pain I've caused you and mum and everyone." The reason behind her suicide attempt is stupid. I agree to that fact. She's in love with someone and blah blah. I don't know much. When our maid told us about it, my mum's reaction was, "Wow. Why didn't she just go and die if she really wanted to. Why did she leave a letter to blame his dad? If she had died, he'd understand that she did that because of him."

Really, how can she even think or talk about someone like that? She is worried about "getting parents blamed" for the whole suicide act. She is my mother and of course I love her. But such attitude is wrong. A couple of months back, I guess in April, when she had seen scars on my hand, her first reaction was: "Omg, why did you do that? What pain do we give you that you have to do this? Everyone will think we hurt you!"

..My mother was worried about what society is going to think. I didn't really say anything. Though I had done that because of her, her son and other people who made me think like I'm "waste of space" My parents are great. And, I love them. I'll never forgive you if try to hurt them or tried to do any sort of harm. But how they treat me.. hurts me. I hate being at home. I still remember the time when I had dreamed of having an amazing college life and everything but now I am just left with aches and pain.

You can live with all the insults and being caged in a house with all the facilities but I can't. I am not you. I have a life too. Yes, I want to move out. I don't want to be in India. This place has given me so much pain. I am not sure about life in other country but I do deserve a chance. It'll be hard for me to leave my parents behind. I love them way too much. But, I have to go and I want to go.

Parents expect us to fulfill all of their dreams in return of all the facilities they provide us and also expect us to stick to them. Why do we never get asked, what we want? I know I'll be called selfish and all kind of stuffs if I ever leave. To you, it may seem like a simple stupid rant or thought. But you haven't lived my life yet. Go ask my best friends how my days go by. They don't know the whole thing though. Because the only thing I get back is, "I'm sorry. Your parents are weird. Or I don't know what to say.."

Is there anyone who could tell me more than just "I don't know what to say?" I can go on and on with these sort of stuffs. It's not only getting physically and sexually abused. It's more than that. But I'll stop now. I'm sorry for such a long post.  Someone on tumblr told me about this song, "For you by Staind" It's sad that I can relate to every single word of that song. It's like, the song was composed for me.

To my mother, to my father,
It's your son or,

It's your daughter,

Are my screams loud enough for,

You to hear me, should I turn this up for you,

I sit here locked inside my head,
Remembering everything you said,
The silence gets us no where,
Gets us no where way too fast,

The silence is what kills me,
I need someone here to help me,
But you don't know,

How to listen,

And let me make,

My decision,

All your insults and your curses,
Make me feel like I'm not a person,

And I feel like I am nothing,

But you made me so,
Do something,

'Cause I'm ****ed up,
Because you all need attention,
Attention you couldn't give.

....

Changing one person's thought won't change the Indian society. Someone trying to kill themselves or self harming isn't a topic to laugh or gossip about. You never had to try those things. Congratulations. You're lucky. But, few people are not. It's a sad thing that people take such a big step of harming or killing themselves. Stop being so ignorant.

"..It's a sad world.."

It's a sad world.

Someone's crying, someone's dying,

But, still faking a smile.

Someone's hurt, someone's broken,

But still pretending to be fine.

Someone's drowning in plethora of emotions,

Someone's lost in memories.

But, still trying to find out the missing puzzle piece, 

Of their own selves. 

We're still alive,

We're still breathing,

We're not dead yet.

Rain and the Rainbow.

It started raining long time back. I'm not talking about the weather.. o.O It's about my life. Again. Sorry. o:

Everything is almost on track. Again. But, I'm a bit scared. It's not going to last. Ever heard of the "forgive and forget" thing? I don't know what I am feeling. But, I'm not able to hate certain people. My mum, my best friend, my used to be best friend and even my own brother. I haven't forgotten anything but still, they are my family..

*sigh* I'll be screwing up my exams for sure this time. I dunno. By the way, I forget why I started typing this post. I am forgetting everything. Everything is slipping away from my hand, it seems. It's like everything is going too fast and I'm not able to enjoy. It's funny, I spent 18 years of my life.. I never really had "actual" fun. Staying at home makes me sick..

Oh, yeah, I need to thank certain people, who wants to help me with the situation. It means a lot really. I mean it. I know I haven't written back to anyone yet but that's because I don't know what to do, what to say. I'm sorry. There's just too many things. At the end of the day, it's my own family, no? What will I gain? I do want to move and have a new life and live it in my own way but then again, I want to do it on my own. I really appreciate whatever you are trying to do or wanting to do. But, I still don't know. Just stay by my side? It'll the greatest thing that you can do for me. At least for now!

My exams are still on but it'll end soon. I have got a lot to say but still nothing. You people really give me strength. I feel better sometimes.. thinking about you all. I am just going with the flow. A bit stronger than before. I won't cut. I haven't cut in almost 3 months. I'll try to stay safe. c:

About the last post, I'll say it again, I don't think too much about it. But, you know, it happens everyday in my life, like, pretty looking girls (BIMBOS) of my class get all the attention, plus good marks. Yes, I said, good marks. Teachers don't even check their answers and give them full marks. Just because they have pretty face that doesn't mean they are intelligent or they know everything. I hate proving my existence again and again. That's it. You don't understand it unless you've been through the same. I don't even expect people to understand it. I am not you and you're not me.

It'll get better hopefully. The rain won't last forever. It shouldn't..

Mess

Hey, look, I'm a mess.

Sometimes more, sometimes less.

Every night, weary thoughts fill my head,

Makes me lay awake in a real cozy bed.

Pretty clothes, shoes, accessories and all the make up,

Fail to hide the blues, my face shows up.

Eyes look puffy and lips look numb.

Pretty much sure, I'll end up as society's another victim.

If God really exists and we are all his puppets.

Why did he make me so broken yet moppet?

People say, "You're beautiful.. inside."

Why didn't He make me beautiful outside?

If surface beauty means nothing,

Why does pretty faces get everything?

I know, I am a mess,

And this is completely injustice.

May be if I had a pretty face,

Fair skin, a nice body and a little grace,

Then may be, I didn't have to prove my existence,

Every now and then.

I'll never be good enough for them,

Initially they never consider me as a gem.

Everything I want is worth fighting for,

But not everything is worth dying for.

I am sick and tired now,

For how long do I have to fight to keep the vow?

The vow, I made to a couple of souls,

Who think that I play one of the important roles.

You don't know how does it feel when someone else gets chosen over you,

The feeling, I'm dealing with is nothing new.

I don't remember what's the best thing, happened to me in past 6 years,

I was only embraced by insecurities and fears.

I wish this was all a lie, an illusion or a nightmare.

I wish if I could just wake up and realize it wasn't there.

Make me skinny, Make me beautiful,
Or just take away all these feelings, so awful.

P.S. It's funny, how till yesterday, I was fine with the pain and the little joy. I don't feel the same now. I said, I'll be fine but it's easier said then done. Especially when someone keeps making you feel how terrible you are. I was sort of contented. I was doing what I wanted. I know what I am, who I am and where do I stand in people's life. You don't have to make realize it again and again and again.