I'm happy?

Plenty of fears 

to deal with and

to win over.

Misty eyes always lie

say "I'm happy" and

you never deny?

No one's mine

No one's here.

I wish you were

Just a 

bit more near.

I'm being happy 

and I'm faking a smile.

My heart's been torn

and I know not when and where!

I want you to 
come back just once 

I'm standing there

where you had left me. 

P.S. Just not in mood today.. feel like crying.. well i already did today. Well I made a video. o.o Its lame.. I was just trying.. 

Stuffs

So this is nothing seriously. I'm going to write about stuffs. 

-I hate holidays. I seriously hate holidays. I get bored at home. I either quarrel/fight with my bro or with my mom. -I miss mr. Selfish badly. Ummm he texted me yesterday saying sorry but it was a mass send :| So I didn't reply!

-I'm sick.

-Before winter holidays, we found a love letter in Simran's Practical notebook. Pooh wrote that letter for Mr. selfish but unfortunately "We" read that letter before him!! :P Bahahaha we are so evil :P Well she wrote everything in it O.O About their first date, touch, kiss and also more than that!! O_O Ewww it was creepy. Bahaha good thing I didnt throw up after reading that :P "Shona" and "Janu" gave me headache.. Why don't they simply take each others name? Why Shona and Janu? v.v Anyways they both stopped coming to the school :P Mr. Selfish comes but his Girlfriend doesn't!! :P and Mr. Selfish has stopped talking to any girl in the class!! lmao

-I was thinking of deactivating my Facebook account. But I won't!! Reason: an idoit over there :P

-Aaaahh btw its 4:20 am and I haven't slept yet D: I'm a bit hungry now!! v.v

-I'm back on twitter :)

-I miss Mr. Selfish v.v I really do but he was the one who screwed everything between us!! (I know I'm writing this again but I really MISS him. He was my bestfriend)

-Aaaah I need AIEEE form v.v !! 

-Ohh btw I love Jarrod Matthew :P He is a cover artist. He ish amazing :o and awesome o.o and cute and adorable :3 Bahaha.. I keep watching his videos on youtube :P And I'm thinking of doing some covers too.. hehe.. Atleast I should try once o.o Lets see if can sing or not!! o;

"..Be my angel.."

Seasons change and stars fall.

May be I don't know all.

Days growing longer and 

Nights growing shorter,

But I know I'll be okay.

And I won't walk away,

I'll face all and try my best,

I'll always trust

you and your words

like that. 

Make me a wish

and I'll be yours forever.

And I promise you won't see

tears in my eyes ever.

Be my angel and make me special,

My heart would weep never.

  

Christmas Party??

Weeee It was pretty great o.o Never thought that Mom would let me go for the so called "tiny miny Christmas party" at Srishti's place xD 

Me and Simran bought a snow globe for Srishti and Anubha. It was really awesome ^_^ 

This was my First christmas and I'll always remember this. We then headed to Anubha's place.. And then to Atul's place ^_^ 

It was pretty awesome :3 It got a bit screwed up though.. Anubha's dad was kinda drunk and we (Me and Simran) were kinda scared. And then we left soon XD

 Well It was all okay. Stuffs happen =] Anubha kinda felt bad I guess but She doesn't have to. 

"..Christmas wish.."

Its christmas.. and I am still sad. The smile on my face is a fake one. I hope if I could really stay happy. Why my wishes never come true? Am I too bad? Hmm I'm listening to Fall for you. And I like his voice. =] I have no idea why I am feeling sad.

Dear Santa, 

My christmas wishes are different from others. There are some questions in my mind which makes me cry. I only need their answers and also something more than that.

I want to know why She did become so mean?  Why does she lie everytime we meet her? Why does she hate us? What will she get by doing so? Why did she become so special to me and Why did she make me cry?

Why mr. Selfish hates me? Why did he come so close to me? Why did he stop me from crying? Why did he do stuffs only to make me smile? Why was he ashamed of hosting Teacher's day with me? If we were best friends then why did my height matters to him? After making me laugh and smile why did he left me like that? Why is he giving me tears now? 

Why for my best friends, their Girlfriends are more important than me? Why didn't they get mad, why they didn't slap me when I stopped eating and also when they saw the cut on my wrist?

 Why I have no one to tell me I am not alone? :( My christmas wish is:

I want an Angel to guide me and be with me. I want to meet someone really special. I want Mr. selfish back as my friend. I want my best friends to care for me. I want Her to be the way she was earlier. I want my mom and dad to trust me. I want my brother to be sweet just like the way when he was 5 years old. 

I wish If I could be happy... =[ 

"..why she hates.."

Still confused,

to see her like this.

Why is she still mad at

her life like that?

Hates God but still she hopes,

Someone from the blue, 

would come in her life.

She endures every pain,

cuts herself, proof is 

the scars on her wrist 

but still in her eyes 

you can't find the mist..

P.S. thats not my hand(v__v) 

 

Its a new "me"

=] I don't know.. I feel sleepy and tired. I am so damn tired of crying. Arghh.. don't even feel like living. I just wonder why Colby said that I am special? and How did he know about the stuffs happening to me? Am I really special? If yes then why didn't I get anything special? If no then Why I didn't die? I hate "me" because I know a lot of people who hate me and I don't know why?! My face is an open book. I don't feel safe anymore. I am scared. And do you know whatever I want? Umm a tight hug from someone. I want someone to hug me and tell me that I am not alone and they'll be with me forever. 

Anonymous life =]

I want to live anonymously again. It was all awesome when I was an anonymous to the virtual world. You were not knowing me. I was not knowing you. I have deleted my MYB account. And I guess I'll delete FB too. =]

I tried to cut my wrist again yesterday. I didnt feel anything. I was just crying. Arghhh darn it! Why the hell I didn't die! Mom doesn't know anything about it.

"..still alive.."

"..I'm still alive, smiling, dreaming

and breathing and you know what even

the earth is firm beneath my feet.."

THATS how it looked on saturday

Yeah I know, I'm insane. I told my friends 'bout this at school (only girls though) Well I showed my hand to Prince and he went mad. And also to Tunesh but even he wanted to do the same o.O He broke his cell phone. =] Not eating properly. Skipping breakfast and lunch and sometimes dinner. I have no reply. I don't want to tell you that why I did so. When Tunesh saw my hand, he was like " Did your mom see that?" I said "nope" He again: Then what's the use of this thing?.. Hmm well I didn't do this to show her or anyone.

"..choco's blah blah.."

"..I don't know.. if it matters you much,

The truth is, my life is such. 

For a life to make them smile,

I don't care if I have to cry for a while. 

I know that you don't care,

and I know you won't be here..." 

Dear God, I hate you! :|

I tried to cut my wrist today. But then I cut my hand. Why she has to be like this? It was so embarrassing, my younger brother's friend was here and Mom abused me, yelled and beat me again. She almost stabbed me with a knife. I got a cut on my right foot. Argh.. I'm not a kid, I'm 17 and she cannot treat me like this. I swear, I'm not going to anything. She doesn't know 'bout me cutting my hand not even about the cut on my foot that i got 'cause of her. And don't worry, 'cause I'm ok.. My hand didn't bleed much. I went for a movie 'cause I didn't want to stay at home. Watched Band baja Baraat with Srishti, Shruti and Divya and movie was quiet good. =] 

"..If only they.."

If only I could escape this place,

I'd go anywhere 

to live my life in my own way

with no boundations .

I can not fly,
but soon I will die,
What if they didn't let me go,
I'd end my life?
I hate being cocooned in their love,


Frustrating and suffocating is their care,
And I know He is being unfair.
And now no hopes but only dreams
are spared in my life ..
 

I'm no more a sweet teenager (T^T)

It looked so awesome o.o Weather was damn so good. It was all foggy when I woke up at 5:30 am for tutions. I couldn't see anything. :P Went school but my "awesome" mom and bro ruined my mood. 

I hate them! Sometimes I feel like I'm their step daughter/sister. We had PTM (Parents teacher meeting) today after 11:00 am. It's so embarrassing (-__-) Everyone's mom keep praising their daughter but my mom talks like "achche marks nahi aye toh sadna yahi. Koi college.. kuch nahi!!" And she said this to my class teacher even!! 

If she wanted to say all these stuffs then why didn't she tell me at home? Why did she embarrass me in the school? I got 84% and I wanna know, is it bad? Last time it was only 61% (v__v) and Yesh!! My mom says I don't study at home. 

My life is so bitter and I'm no more a sweet teenager who used it pen her feelings silently and never let anyone know the worse side of her life. I'm saying stuffs 'bout my mom and bro. =[  Eeeehhh  (T^T) I love you mom =/ I'm sorry for saying so. I'm just mad.

choco's blah blah!!!

"..Life is sometimes bitter,

sometimes sweet but,

I am still alive,

making the earth firm

beneath my feet.."

"..school stuffs and life.."

I feel good. =] I'm surprising everyone in my class. I haven't cried since my birthday. Craps still happening in my life. Kritika started talking to me. o.O She ish definately the one who wants me to die. Wow!! Does she know how the hell I survived. How I felt? =/ I would have killed myself seriously. errrr its good I guess 'cause she was wrong. =]

Its cold and raining. >.> but I want it to snowww  >_< It never snow-ed here in Chhattisgarh. We were hugging and cuddling in the class. xD Umm yesterday, I quarreled with Tunesh. Arghhh yes I felt annoyed. Am I getting jealous of Pooja? Yesterday and even today, I kinda didn't like it when he talked to her. And my friends started calling me Sheela ki beti!! O.O Yesh my mommy's name is Sheela v.v !! And I found "My name is Sheela, Sheela ki jawani.." written on the last page of Meraj's notebook.>.> ?

They love to tease me and I love getting teased :P

Wearing hoodies these days ^_^ I love hoodies ♥ bahaha I look like penguin in winter o.o !! Oh well, a weird thing happened today. While coming back from school, I just felt that Saket ish somewhere near and when we reached near the Fuel station.. I saw him o.o and he saw me o.o and I don't know why I smiled back at him!! v.v We are not friends anmore. I want to hate him but I can't stop caring for him. And If you are thinking about the so called poem "..Last night.." on my blog, then yesh It was really ME and those stuffs had happened to me.

Anyways, I kinda feel sick now. Already have headache and I feel like throwing up (~_~) Umm this time I wanna celebrate christmas with Srishti, Anubha and everyone. But I guess the plan won't work =/ Just a month and then no more school >_< !! Eeeh I need a time machine >.> ? Anyone listening? I really need a time machine. I wanna live those moments again! =[

"..an atheist.."

"..I'm just so empty, my heart and soul, are seeking insanity.

I'm walking towards infinity, I am an atheist, I believe in deeds,

I don't fear God; I did nothing wrong; I cry all alone but still not alone.."

Last night..

Last night, my brother was annoying me,

I took his cell phone,

And he bit my hand,

I screamed in pain and mum walked in,

Yelled at me and him, 

She didn't say much to him

But she was just yelling and yelling at me.

She started calling me names,

A bitch, slut and what not. 

Just 'cause I don't help her in doing chores,

and I stay online late nights?

I ignored her and walked to my room, 

But she told me that she regretted for,

Giving me birth and said, "you should die"

She told me that I'm ugly, fat and short,

and I bring badluck to the family!

Those words killed my soul one thousand times,
So I told her that she should kill me right then.

Did I do anything wrong? 

Then why did she start hitting me?

With a leather belt and she kept cursing me.

She was knowing I had an accident,

like a week ago?

She thinks it was all my fault,

She thinks I'm so careless but that's how

Kids are, aren't they?

She was aware of my pain and

bodyache that I already had

But she grabbed my hair, dragged me to a wall,
and started hitting my head against the wall and the floor, 

I tried to run but she seized me, 

pulled my hair, dragged me and started

hitting my head again; 
I was weeping, crying and screaming in pain;

but she didn't listen,

She wanted to shut my mouth, 

So she kicked my face,

It started bleeding; I got a cut in my lips,

It looks all red from inside. 

I was beaten up and treated as if I wasn't a person.

"..I'm drunk.."

I'm drunk and I'm high;

I'm still alive and I do sigh;

I remember those memories,

Sinking stars and secret diaries.

My head is full of stuffs useless,

It won't be wrong if they call it a mess.

Tears roll down my cheeks but I feel no pain,

No one could see me crying; thanks to this rain.

and now I am dancing like an insane tonight,

and beneath  the  silvery light;

It's me and  my  solitude,

yes, I ain't any princess

but  I  am  someone,

cursing her fate.

Updates!! ^_^

29th November: We didn't win any match. :3 Yellow house didn't even reach the finals d(-_-)b don't have players D; Though we lost but I was happy 'cause I enjoyed alot :D and everyone else was thinking that I have gone mad :O :P I sh so freaking dead <.<  One more thing D: kritika's eye ish bleeding o.O and most of them went to her place to see if she ish okay :O and suchita took my scooty and you know what.. she broke the mudguard!! d(-_-)b Now my scooty sounds like khrrrrr khrrrr!! O.o

30th November: weee awesome o.o.. I had a great day o.O we won xD yesh yesh yellow house won :3 we reached the finals of wheel race both boys and girls but we lost :P its okay ^_^ then we had some sorta dispute between the house leaders o.o and blue house were almost disqualified O.o but we sort it out soon ^_^ and continued with the rests. We had some minus markings too <.< and we reduced other houses' points too xP bahahaha then we had junior dodge ball for girls and we reached final again o.o and we lost :P and then senior girls doodge ball :3 and we reached finals again and yesh I was in the team :P aT FIRST WE HAD A TIE AND THEN TIE BREAKER MATCH AND THIS TIME WE WON ^_^ I was damn tired and I might have collapsed in the ground. o.o but somehow i reached my class and i fell asleep :P My head was hurting badly and my legs too >.> I never run but yesterday I did :O And Barkha hit my head with ball accidently <.< lol xD It was awesome lol. Everyone laughed but its okay xD I went home and collapsed on my bed. Can't believe I didn't eat anything and I played well o.o and won the match too :D Well other house members were happy for me and my house.. Really happy, more happy than me! :3

 

P.S. I'm sorry that I couldn't visit your blog in time. I am busy with my school stuffs and sports. And my knee hurts like hell and it looks horrible. I can't even walk! >.<