Just Saying.

Certain thoughts and feelings inside your head and heart are immortal. You try to kill them, sometimes they disappear but they always come back.

P.S. Um, I don't know what to say.  Thanks for all the love and support that you people showed through mails, facebook messages, tweets and comments.. It means a lot. I'll be strong. Thanks. I know people want to help me but I don't know. I am not ready or may be I am. I want to live my life normally. I don't want to get highlighted everywhere. I know and I remember what I had written in my previous post. "I want the world to know" but not in that way. I mean, I am not starting a fight or movement or whatever you call it. What I wanted everyone to know is that I don't over react. Crap Happens. But you have never been through my life's crap. So you need to stop judging me. That's it.

I am taking a break again. I'm not sure if I'll post again soon but oh well. Don't get scared if I didn't reply to the mails and stuffs. I have to concentrate on my studies. =)

I'm a strong girl and I know it but if I give up on life then please don't call me a coward.

Yeah I know everyone's talking about the show Satyamev Jayate and I am going to do the same. But, I just want to thank Aamir Khan from the bottom of my heart. I don't know if you're ever going to read this or find this but I really mean it.. I'm just another victim who had almost lost her voice long back. But you and every single person who were on the show gave me the courage to speak out. Thanks a lot. It means a lot. I don't know why. I am glad that I am not the only one who is going through this.

I was watching the show with my mum and my brother. After a while my brother walked outta room and I started crying. My mum walked over to me and asked what's wrong and hugged me. And all I said was, "Why didn't you believe me mum? I had told you earlier" He entered and I pointed my finger at him. I told her everything again. She asked him and he lied. (Jeez, I am getting tears again)

As usual he lied. I thought this time mum would believe me. But I guess she loves her son more. I feel more crappy and it hurts more now. It hurts when your parents don't believe you. The people who were on the show know how I feel. She said, "You're committing a sin by saying so about your own brother." I told her that She and her son are the ones who are committing sin. I am not regretting. I am glad that I said so. Because I know that I'm not wrong.

 I even mentioned it on twitter. Not the whole thing but a little bit. I feel like laughing at them. I love the way everyone pretends there. So, people on there were like "Stop CSA" "Speak out loud" "Raise your voice against it" "I salute people who have gone through it" When I tweeted that I have been through it. No one uttered a word. Shame on such people. I am not saying that it matters. I am just telling that how everyone's so fake.

There are few people who knew about it and who have been with me. Marko, Juan, Kenzie, Raed, Sunakshi Di, Shravan and Amey. I don't know if I missing anyone's name but oh well. There are more people who know about it but it's like we stopped talking after a while. But you know, after knowing about whatever has happened to me, if people stops talking to me then it's their loss not mine. I don't even expect people to talk to me and I don't know why. It just doesn't matter to me anymore.

This was the second time when I tried telling her. But she blamed me. She asked why I didn't try to stop? Well, the people who know about it had asked the same question to me. I guess my mum didn't listen to the victims properly.

"You know that whatever is happening to you is not right but your body, your heart, your mind and even your soul gives up. You don't know how to protect yourself 'cause once you had tried telling your parents about it and if they couldn't help/believe you.. No one can.."

That's how I have been feeling. You start hating yourself. You start hating your own skin. I am crying. But it doesn't mean I am weak. I am strong. I am really strong and I'll always be strong. I know it. I am gonna do my college and get a job and move out forever and never look back.

People at my college don't know a thing about it. 3 girls from my school knew about it. But we don't talk anymore. It's 14th May. I had started writing this yesterday but couldn't complete it for some reason. One good thing that happened is I got my bed separated.  We are still in the same room but now I have my own bed. My mum didn't let me to tell my dad about it. My dad is not well right now and I'm scared that something might happen. So, I haven't told him anything yet. I'm afraid again. I don't want anything to happen to my parents. I'm still crying. And, I'm feeling terribly alone.

My mum wants me to be "nice" to my brother. She thinks that it's easy. Jeez. How can I even do that. I don't even feel like being nice to my mum. 

"..I feel stronger but I'm scared.
 I want to fly but I'm caged.

I want to smile but tears ain't stopping,

I want to breathe but this pain is choking.

I want to fly but I'm caged.."

I remember when I was 4 or 5 years old. There was this man who used to work at our studio. He used to kiss me and bite me all over. It used to hurt and after a few days, my mum saw marks/patches on my body. She asked and I told her about him. My mum told my dad and I guess after that.. my dad kicked him out. Until yesterday, I didn't know that it came under child sex abuse.

I just cannot stop thinking about these stuffs and stop crying over it. It hurts more. I have tried killing myself a lot of times. I feel like killing myself again but I want to live too. Why is it happening to me? Can I say "no one cares about me". My own mother doesn't seem to care. How can I expect others to care about me? 

The people who were supposed to care the most, care the least. I had promised certain people that I wouldn't try killing myself again. And I'm gonna try my best to keep that promise but if I fail, don't call me a coward 'cause you know what? Even killing yourself needs a lot of strength and courage.

I wrote my feelings down because I wanted to. I could have written it somewhere like my notebook but the world would fail to know or see who I am and where I stand. Yes. I really want the world to know about it. I want them to know that sometimes faking a smile is not that easy. These feelings are killing me inside and this is the reason why I stay quite.

Choco's blah blah.

Sometimes, when things go wrong, I do cry. I do hate myself and everything around me. But then later, I just tell myself that everything will be alright; 'cause after a hurricane, comes a rainbow. ♥

My life is going to be amazing. I am going to be truly happy. I just have to go with the flow. Nothing can ruin it. I know, I'm gonna have more terrible days but it will not last forever. Everything is temporary.

Existence

I sometimes wonder if people would cry on my absence,

'cause everyday, the past and every useless detail is choking on my existence.

"..My fate's not letting me to die..."

The past crawls like the clouds,

And, the silence screams out loud.

Too much stuffs in my head; useless;

Makes feel like I'm nothing but a mess.

Bounded by the promises that I've made

I just want these memories to fade.

I wanna stay cocooned in my sorrow

And at times, I wanna let it go.

There's no turning back but I don't know where to go.

I wish if everything could freeze,

So I would embrace it all like a cold winter breeze,

Songs make me cry and memories make me sigh,

My fate's not letting me to die.

Choco's blah blah.

I fake a smile and they think I'm rejoicing. 

I laugh and they think everything is alright.

They'll never know how I survived last night.

I've promised and I'll be trying.

No matter how worse things get, I'll be fighting.

"You have really pretty eyes and an adorable smile, you should smile more often."

Sometimes people forget that the prettiest eyes hide the darkest lies and those eyes have shed more tears than any. Same goes with the smile. The saddest person has the most amazing smile. You know when you look into certain people's eye. You'll find a weird glow. The way they glitter is just amusing sometimes. Well, at least I find it amusing but may be that's what you call "sad eyes"? I have been told that I have "sad eyes" and I have know idea what does it mean but, blah, I don't know.. You just feel like the person is sad or something has been eating them up, you know? Well, I don't really look into people's eye anymore 'cause it makes me feel like they'll know everything that I've been hiding and I'll burst into tears.  

Anyways, ta-daa! I'm still alive. Breathing, smiling, laughing, jumping, dancing and singing too.. xD Just in case you are not aware of the fact that I  am in college now. And I cleared my 1st semester. :) Looking forward to 2nd semester and stuffs. 

"..You telling me.."

You telling me that you care,

Won't make me feel loved.

You telling me "everyone is beautiful",

Won't make me pretty.

You telling me that you're moved by my words,

Won't make me feel better.

Happy Birthday Amey! :D

Haha, hi Amey.. xD Happy 19th birthday to you. I hope your days get brighter and you don't have to worry about stuffs and you get almost everything that you want.. ^_^ I really don't know what to say.. o.o You're one of the most nicest people I've ever met. I know that you don't really believe in long distance friendship or whatever but I do.. And I hope that someday you start believing in it too. I'm glad that I met you on twitter. You kinda' know a lot about me and may be I do the same. I'm glad that at least I have someone with who I can talk when I want to(well most of the times).. Umm.. this isn't much but.. this is what I can do to surprise you, I guess. LOL, distance doesn't matter, dumbo! Stay weird forever please.. Stop thinking too much. And, at least reply me on time.. xD