I think about it a lot.

I think about the endings a lot. End of my existence to be specific. I wonder how things will be when I’m gone. How will they find it out? What will be their reaction? Who is going to cry the most? Who is going to regret the most? Are they going to remember me? How long will it take for my memories to fade away from their lives? What is their favorite memory with me? What will they miss the most about me? Will they miss me at all? Will they refer to me as the girl who was funny? Or someone who loved ice cream? Or the girl whose bluetooth device name was pizza? Or will they remember me as the girl who always looked sad but laughed till her stomach hurt? Will they remember me as the smart chick with nerdy glasses who got the highest marks in the class? Or as the girl who used to be short, chubby and not pretty at all? Will they remember me as the girl who loved to take photographs? What will they do or think about me after finding out about the suicide? Will there be rumors at my college? What will be the different theories for my suicide? Will the people I call friends, understand this? Will they forgive me? Will they regret not being able to help me?

I avoid speaking/writing about this as much as I can but sometimes I just can't. So, I'm going to write about me.. about us.. the women. The truth is the world is an unsafe place for women. No matter how old we are, what shape, size, class or color we are, we have to go through this. The sexual harassment. The more I try to run away from my past, the more it starts to haunt me back. 

Let's get straight to the point. Why is it so hard for the men not to sexually harass the women. When will it finally stop?

I know, I'm not going to be an inspiration and the harassment will not stop after writing this post. It'll be just another shout in the void. Sometimes, I wonder if men would stop doing this to us once they knew how it feels like? I don't know. Probably, not. They cannot understand this at all.

Do you know how it makes me feel? Fine. I'll tell you. It makes me wish, I was dead. It makes me want to burn my skin or peel it off because someone touched me without my consent. It makes me sad and angry and gives me another reason to be afraid of all men. I feel so intimidated that I can't even look at their face or directly into their eyes. I've been a victim several times and it feels like it's happening more these days because something happens every other day. It even happened today, a couple of hours ago when I was in the bus, coming back from an open campus drive. I'm already very intimidated by men so if I ever have to sit next to a man in the bus, I make sure that I'm sitting next to decent man but today I was wrong today. Very wrong.

The man sitting next to me, was nudging me with his elbow at the side of my stomach and at first, I just thought that may be his arm was hurting so he was trying move or stretch a bit but it kept happening. I moved away from him but it happened again and again and the nudging became rubbing(I put my arm on my side, hoping it would stop but instead it felt like he was trying to move my hand) so I had to exchange my seat with a guy who was sitting right in front of me. I didn't say ordo a single thing to that asshole and you have no idea how much I hate it. He kept looking at me and I avoided looking at him or in his direction. I wanted to hit him and shove my pen into his eyes. 

I hate it. I hate my life. I know, I shouldn't feel so and not all men are same but if things keep happening to me over and over again. how will I ever feel okay? Honestly, it becomes harder to trust a men when one of your abusers is your own family member. I don't want to live like this.. Please, I beg you, don't do this to us.

I wish things would just stop happening after this. I wish I could make a difference. But life doesn't work like that. I told one of school best friends about it and he said, "Couldn't you chose a better seat?" Now, it's my fault that the man was creepy? Great. You know, this is our society where we blame women who get harassed/abused but we refuse to teach the boys, not to do it. The men won't stop doing it and the women will continue to suffer.

I'm not a mentally strong person. I'm emotionally unstable. My days are either filled with too many highs or too many lows and sometimes I take too long to speak up. As I said before, I know it won't stop so I'm not hoping for it to stop but I'm hoping to get enough courage that I don't take too long to react.

Depression is so fucked up. Once it gets a good grip of you, it never leaves you alone. It follows you everywhere. It gets in your system. It starts eating you up from the inside, slowing sucking up the life out of you. You scream for help but it gets lost in the noise of the crowd like a shout in a void. You cannot bring yourself to speak or express yourself, you start to forget things that once made you happy, you feel unworthy and isolated, you crave human interaction but at the same time you want to be alone and slowly being alone starts to suck as well. You smile and laugh with your so called group of “friends” but deep down you know you don’t mean anything to them and the smiles and laughs reminds you more of how lonely you are and how deep is the void in your heart. It fucking hits you out of nowhere and it makes you act accordingly. A few minutes later, when you’re done doing the action, you start to realize how stupid you were to do that. You don’t easily feel happy or loved and even if you do, it vanishes in a blink. Sometimes, you wish you were hit by a truck, sometimes you want to drink the floor cleaner, sometimes you want to make a hundred cuts on your arms and bleed to death, sometimes you want to empty the bottle of the pills. Sometimes you just want to sleep away your life. You think of a thousand ways to kill yourself. You know that it’s all in your head but you cannot do anything about it. The world disgusts you but at the same time you want to be a “normal” person. You cannot see if it’ll ever get better but you try to live your life the way it is.

I always speak of bad nights. How would you define a bad night? Different people define a "bad night" differently. If you're going somewhere at night and your car breaks down, it's a bad night. If you have certain plans for the night and you have to cancel it for some reason, it's a bad night. If a loved one falls sick, meets an accident or dies, it's a bad night. So a bad incident makes a night, a bad night.

For me, almost every night is a bad night. Tonight is a bad night as well. It's been a while since I had a good night. I don't even remember when did the last good night happened to me. Maybe the last good night happened 8 years ago? I don't know. I don't remember. I have been having trouble falling asleep at night and I hate that the most. I have been thinking about things. Several terrifying things one of which is losing my dad because of his sickness. I cannot tell how many days he has but I really want those days to be more than the days I've lived so far and the days that I'm going to live in the future. I don't want to see a world without him or without my mum. God, I hate growing up. Our parents grow old with us and I think that's the worst part because eventually their existence will come to an end. 

My mum thinks that I do pointless things at night when I don't sleep. She couldn't be more wrong but will she ever understand the things that have been troubling me and what's keeping me awake? Dad's sickness, unwanted responsibility, college, exams, freaking interviews that I have been failing, my own freaking personality that I hate so much. No she won't. 

I've decided that I won't chase happiness anymore because I'm not meant to be happy and loved. I wanted to be happy.. Completely happy and that hasn't happened. I have tried to laugh and smile without feeling empty but that hasn't happened. I want to be loved but that hasn't happened either. I don't think I have chased love before.. and I'm not planning to do it either. I've always loved people more than they have loved me.. so I won't be doing that anymore.

There's a knot in my stomach and a void in my heart.

A storm in my head and words stuck in my throat.

God, I hate myself. I hate my very existence. My very pointless existence. I wish I could present it in a better a way, a beautiful poetic way. I hate every bit of myself, my skin, my bones, every single drop of my blood. Every bit of me that has made me, ME. I want to stop existing because my existence seems pointless to me. I don't see myself anywhere or with anyone. I'm broken and nothing can fix me. I'm beyond repair.  And I wish I could talk about it to a person who is close to me, or who feels right but I can't because they either don't understand it or get really scared. 

If it makes you feel better..

If it makes you feel any better,

I'll keep myself from speaking of death,

and how my absence would make this place a better place.

I'll make myself smile during the long screwed up nights, 

just to keep myself sane.

I'll let my head sleep when it feels too tired to exist.

I'll let you be my happy pill that cures the sadness in me.

I'll stop painting my sleeves red.

I'll do it all, darling, if it makes you feel any better.

But just in case I failed,

I'd leave you a last note with tear and ink stains,

Just to tell you that I tried my best,

And hope you understand that this was never in my hands.

I wonder if the situations have changed at all. I wonder if I am the only one who has changed. I still don't have "friends" but I can still hang out alone in the campus and try to fit in with others. Sometimes, I wonder if people notice it and what do they think of. To be honest, I don't think about it just "sometimes", I think about it all the time. 
I am jealous because I don't have friends who call up to ask me how I am when I'm sick. I'm jealous because I don't have friends who ask me if I want to go to the cafeteria building for lunch. I'm jealous because no one asks me if I'd like to go the mall or for a movie. I'm jealous because no one pulls my leg anymore. 
I think I embarrass people with my looks or quiet not so appealing/fun personality. But at the same time I'm surprised how so many people know my name and know what I'm good at. 
I don't get mad at "small things" not unless you insult me. I hate when people say that I get offended easily. A few people are kind of scared of me like they think that I'd hit them or shout at them, something like that, you know? But I've never been that kind of person. I think I probably look angry as well.. not just stressed and depressed.  
I need to stop looking for affection already but I don't know how to stop. I'm not anyone's priority and that hurts way too much. And I want to stop breathing to stop that pain.  

"How do I tell you.."

So, it's another bad night,
But you won't understand.
The absurd thoughts of day, 
Are finally making sense.

Words are more sincere, 
When my loved ones are asleep.
I wish I could explain the way my bones ache, 
A wish to end it all is running in my veins.

How do I tell you that I can't think of anything else?
How do I tell you that I'm so tired of being overwhelmed?
How do I tell you that I'm so tired and I want to sleep?
How do I tell you that I want to sleep but I don't want to wake up?
How do I tell you that I hate having to wake up and go through this again?
How do I tell you that I hate not being able to conceal the sadness of my face?

Free

I want to be free.

In the most innocent yet wildest sense,

I want to be free.

I don't want to be bound,

By complicated relationships, absurd life goals, 

Or any haunting past memories,

That does nothing but makes me more insane,

With every passing second.

I want to be free.

Like the deep oceans and the cold night wind,

I want to be free.

I want to sing, dance and feel infinity.

And as crazy as it sounds,

I want to burn my body down,

And rise again from the ground.

I want to be free.

I want to break free from this skin;

Break free from the emptiness and numbness both at once;

Break free from the pain and depression,

That controlled my life for all these years.

I want to be free.

Free like a shooting star, 

Escaping the darkness of the night.

Free like a soaring kite, 

Playing hide and seek with the clouds in the sky.

Labyrinth of suffering

The night makes her vulnerable,

And the smile refuses to fool other people.

All of her broken pieces glued together start to fall apart,

And the paralyzing pain start to stab the heart.

The secrets get ready to spill out of her eyes,

As she starts to paste a story full of sweet lies.

Some nights, she laughs too much and then starts to cry.

The fears crawl up and she questions "why?"

She'd like to live but she'd also like die for sure;

Apparently, she's not sure of what she craves more.

As this absurd thought escapes the darkest corner of her mind,

She instantly goes blind.

People who believe that she's blessed,

Certainly have no idea that she's full of self hatred.

She's struggling between the thought of wanting, 

Someone to hold her and tell her that it's alright.

And the thought of putting an end to this labyrinth of suffering,

Right here tonight.

"Every night.."

Every night the sadness, 

Overpowers the sanity in her.

She lies paralyzed in the cold bed,

As the sadness carves out a void in her chest.

She says, "Things seem better when I'm not awake."

Someone hug her tight and prove her wrong for God's sake.

A voice is screaming in her head,

Struggling to break free, 

and get lost in the air.

It's once again, 

hard to figure out,

whether it's pain or fear.

Eyes are tired, 

of holding back the tears,

that've been trapped, 

with all the unhealthy emotions.

Overwhelmed by her own feelings,

She wishes to escape to a place,

and feel numb again.

Digging her nails,

into her own skin,

She's hoping for the physical pain, 

to overcome the emotional pain.

It's starting to get bad again,

She's falling into the darkest hole,

that's been created in her own head.

Not enough.

She is that wounded person,

who has been trying, 

to protect and fix, 

everything for everyone;

because she knows,

how it feels when everything,

falls apart.

But that's not enough.

She is being their warm, 

and safe duvet trying ,

to put everyone back to sleep; 

keeping them from, 

screaming in horror,

while the monsters of the night,

fill the room with,

chilled daunting aura.

But that's not enough.

She holds their hand when,

they decide to start all over again. 

But that's not enough. 

She has been taking, 

their cuts and scratches, 

and sucking up the poison, 

but that's not enough. 

Nothing she does is enough. 

Someone make her stop.

Life is too short to live for, 

someone who doesn't care.

She is running out strength. 

She is running out of hope.

She is running out of love. 

She is running out of air.

She can't do it anymore,

Someone do her a favor,

Give her back her smile,

and bring her back to her life.

State of mind.

Detaching   while   seeking   attachment,

Smiling   while   hiding  the     sadness,

Suffocating while gulping down the pain,

Fidgeting while trying to move forward,

And carry on with life without any companion.

Another night with worthless thoughts.

Another lie     coated   with bitter truth.

Another insomniac with horrifying past and unpleasant present.

Another   page   of      unwritten  words,

Stating   the   state   of   mind.

Things   are   not   exactly   okay,

Even   though   they   look   like it.

Morbid fascination with self destruction,

Never     helped    the    undying,

Nauseous     feeling.

Anxiety

It's one of those nights 

where it all crumbles 

down to the ground. 

It starts from 
one corner of the mind 

and slowly makes it way 

to the heart.

It rumbles in the stomach 

and finally reaches

 to the tip of my toes. 

The anxiety mixes 

with the blood 

and runs in the veins. 

I feel cold 
in 35 degrees.
I feel filthy 
in my own skin

I can't help but think 

of all the wrongs 

I've done. 

I can't get up but 

lie like a corpse

in the pile of my own 

failures. 

I can't make it go away.
Is it okay to feel this way?
What's wrong with me?
Why is it all that I see?

Black and White.

I was supposed to be moving towards the light,
And be like the color, "white".
I was supposed to take in the different shades of life,
And throw away the knife.
But now I'm being pulled by the darkness,
And caught up in life's unavoidable mess.
I'm making cuts on my skin,
And desperately trying to hold back the tears and fake a grin.
When I woke up again today with a massive headache,
I could see everything getting painted black.
I counted the cuts that I made yesterday,
They're twenty-seven but I'm okay.
Apparently none of the cuts were deep enough to paint my skin red
None of them could bleed me out on my parent's bed.

Last Notes!

Letter #1

Dear Mum and Dad,

I’m sorry I am dead. I’m sorry I couldn’t make you happy and proud before dying. Today when you left, I found out your son has been filming me secretly. I don’t know for how long he had been doing that. I found five videos of me sleeping, on his laptop. He may have also filmed me while I was changing my clothes. I couldn't find more videos. His laptop’s camera was on and it was facing my bed when I decided to check his laptop to see if he was spying on me again and yes he was. He has done that before too. He had taken my half naked pictures before. I wish you had done something when I told you that he used to grope me in my sleep. That happened for a year and now this. I don’t know what to do. I don't even feel like a person anymore. I just feel like a cheap sex toy. First molestation, then taking my inappropriate pictures and now secretly filming me while I sleep. The only thing that is left is finding those pictures and videos on the internet in a porn site. I know, you love your son but he makes me sick. I was thinking of forgiving him and moving on but I cannot. I cannot live in the same room with him. I deleted the videos. I think he has more of it but I can’t find them. He has given me a wound that doesn't heal and a scar that's gonna remain forever if I stayed alive. I’m sorry that this is all in English but I suck at speaking/writing Hindi. I love you both a lot. Please know that. And I’m sorry I’m being selfish but I want to bleed out right now.

------------------------------------------------

Letter #2

Dear Diyanah,

I hope you're alright babe. I hope you get enough strength to face the problems. I hope you find someone who gives you unconditional love. Someone who makes you feel beautiful. I don't have much to say. Thanks for being there for me and listening to all of my rants. I'm sorry I'm leaving. I still remember the last words that you said to me. You are beautiful and you deserve better. I want you to get better and live. I love you. 

--------------------------------------------------

Letter #3

Dear Marko,

There's this huge conversation gap between us and I didn't get enough time to fix it. I actually felt tired all the time and I couldn't do that. I caused you a lot of troubles when we were closer. I hope you get to move out and live your dreams. I'm probably dead by now. Please don't do this to yourself as well, okay? It will get better. Take care of Raed and yourself of course. I love you. 

---------------------------------------------------

Letter #4

Dear Tony,

I'm sorry about my messy head. I never got a chance to apologize nicely. You are a great person. You did make an impact in my life. And dude, for one last time, I need you to know that I'm not in parasocial relationship with you. I did have a crush on you but I don't even think about you anymore. More than being your lover, I wanted to be your friend. Thanks for making me feel better in my bad days. I hope you find love. Don't kill yourself. I love you.

-----------------------------------------------------

Letter #5

Dear Juan,

Goddammit you said you'd post a new selfie! You haven't yet. And now I'm dead. Bummer. I'm pretty sure you're a 50 year old man! :O Nah, just Kidding. I am sorry I didn't tell you a lot of things. I didn't want to scare you away I guess. Apparently, I'm one of those suicidal freaks, huh? Miss me, Juan. I love you. Fix your sleeping schedule mister! xD

-------------------------------------------------------

Letter #6

Dear Meraz,

Sorry. I should have told you. I don't know what greatness you see in me. I'm thankful for having a friend like you. Thanks for saving me. Thanks for being there. I don't want to saved this time. I'm ending this. I love you. I hope you have a great life. I hope you get to marry the girl you love. She's so lucky to have you. Tell her, I love her too.

-------------------------------------------------

Letter #7

Dear Sunakshi di, Aditi, Adeeba, Ayushi, Laddoo and Nida,

I miss talking to you guys but I don't really come forward and talk to you because I really cannot and I don't know what to say anymore. You guys have always been there to support me. You all are such strong women. I cannot thank you all enough. I think you'd understand why I did this. I love you guys. Hope you all have great lives.

---------------------------------------------------

Letter #8

Dear Minhaz,

I didn't think we'd turn into such good friends. Well I really hope you did think of me as a good friend and you weren't using me. It felt good to know that someone cared. Miss me, Minhaj. Miss me. You're an awesome person. Stay that way. I guess you and others from the class now know the reason that has kept me sad. And why I didn't care about what my brother did. Good luck for the upcoming exams. Love ya and others.

-----------------------------------------------------

Letter #9

Dear Sir,

You know who you are and that's why I'm not mentioning your name. I'm not sure if you'd like it or not and that's why I'm not mentioning it here. It's always been great talking to you. I love how we could talk for hours about anything and everything. From college rantings to pursuing our dreams. I never told you about my problems but you somehow managed to drift my mind and also showed me the right path. I guess I am not going to be a writer and you won't be clicking my picture since I'm ending my journey before even starting it. I have respected you a lot. You are a great person and only a few people realize that. I hope you get live your dreams. Please take care of yourself.

----------------------------------------------------------

Letter #10

Dear Jesse,

Ah dude, we just started talking again this is how it is ending. Damn, we couldn't even skype. I know you have a hard life too. I hope it becomes a little easier. I really don't have a lot to say. We kind of have similar views on life and other things. I'm glad to meet and know someone like you before dying. You are the last person to make me feel so happy. Thanks for that. May be we'll meet in another life and do all the things that we planned to do in this life.  BYE AMERICAN BEST FRIEND. I LOVE YOU.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Letter #11

Dear Abhishek dada,

Uh I screwed it up huh. I have been feeling terribly since the day I called out on you on my blog. You did know what he did to me and that's when you told me that you'd be my brother and protect me. I do respect you a lot and I love you a lot. I just screw it up sometimes. I wish we talked more. You are a great brother and an amazing kind human. I hope you become super successful in life. Thanks for making me happy dada. Wish I could meet you and have the "real" and good sibling experience. And like I promised you long ago, I would have bought you a watch.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Letter #12

Dear Raed,

Don't frown or get pissed off because I wrote your letter last. Dude, I was trying to save the best for the last. I talk to you so much and it's still not enough for me. And wish you could just see how hard it is for me. One of the saddest thing in my life is that you don't understand me or life. I don't tell people anything about my anxiety or depression and bad life and they think I overreact. I tell you everything and you think just like them. I don't take depression as an excuse for my actions but you were supposed to understand. I know you will probably think that I overreacted and exaggerated this. And suicide is a terrible excuse for what my brother did to me. But it's not just that. You are supposed to know that DAMMIT! You were supposed to give me strength rather than calling me weak and coward. I won't be troubling you anymore. Yay Shgt is dying!

-------------------------------------------------------------

Letter #13

Dear Everyone else,

Thank you so much if you have ever made me smile or have just stayed in my life while I was going through bad phase. Thanks a lot. Thanks for being there for me and supporting me. Thanks for making me feel loved. You all are great. I hope you guys get to see happy days. Forgive me for all the lame, pathetic stuffs I did. I love you guys a lot. I really do.

---------------------------------------------------------------

P.S. I'm alive. I'm not dead. Sorry for giving you a minor  heart attack there. I started typing this out with an intention to post it on my blog as a suicide note. I was going to kill myself. I had a good opportunity since my parents were out of town and I was alone and my brother wasn't here either. I don't regret typing it out and posting it on my blog because it just made me feel a little better and hopefully I won't die tonight. I was definitely trying to kill myself by making deeper cuts on my skin. But none of them were deep enough to bleed me out. I'm also sorry for mentioning/not mentioning your names. Please don't try to help me by asking a social worker or psychiatrist to see/read this. Things will get better. I know that. If you know me in person then don't give me "I'm sorry, Shriti" look. Also try not to ever mention this at college or to anyone who hasn't read it yet.

As ridculous and crazy as it sounds

As ridiculous and crazy as it sounds,
I have a weird obsession with sadness.
Black is my color;
Scars are my sign;
Honest are my words,
and silly is my mind.

I don't know where was I going with these thoughts,
and subconsciously untying several knots.
Where am I?
My life is a lie.
What brought me here?
Maybe I am missing someone who is dear.
Who gave me this pen?
I wasn't so miserable back then.
My fate has been tossed,
and I think I'm lost.

I'm gonna publish this thing that I wrote two nights back while fighting back my tears. I'm not really sad. And even if I'm sad, I feel okay with it. I feel okay with most of the things and that makes me wonder if I'm getting back to a normal person who doesn't overthink and screws everything up or I'm just suppressing my emotions again. I have done that before I think and I just exploded. I'm afraid it is going to happen again. I'm not sure when will I write next or whether I'll be able to type it all because it has been pretty hard for me to communicate or just speak of what I feel or think. A couple of great life events is going to happen this month. Probably this week or next.  So here it is.

______________________________

Someone do me a favor,

hold my shaky hands

while I try to make a vertical cut,

on my wrist with an old, rusty razor.

-------------

Someone do me a favor,

hold on to my words,

and help me continue when my hands are frozen,

while I try to pour out my last thoughts on a piece of paper.

--------------

Someone do me a favor,

hold me close in your arms,

tell me "Everything will be alright"

while I close my eyes for one last time,

and drift off to a faraway place. 

--------------

Miss me when I'm gone.

Miss me for the good things I've done.

Miss me, please miss me.

Forgive me and forget all the troubles that I caused.

Miss me for the love that I've always tried to share.

Destruction

Where do I go with a destructive mind?

What do I draw or write with a destructive hand?

How do I love someone with a destructive soul?

How can I be a stronger person with a destructive feeling?

I'm sinking into despair

and slowly disappearing from here.

There's no one to see,

No one to understand.

If only life was a wish granting factory,

My life would have a better end.

I'm losing it all one by one,

And getting worse at doing the simplest thing.

I still love it when the clouds capture the sky, take shapes and run,

No one knows, I still smile when the birds sing.

All of these are enough to make me to look sane,

But on the inside, the destructive thoughts are consuming me and making me insane.

"..Questions trapped inside my head.."

I have too many questions trapped inside my head,

I usually try to find the answers while I lay awake in my bed.

I feel blessed with all I have,

And I feel content with everything that He gave.

I feel comfortable in my own skin.

And it doesn't matter much whether  I lose or win.

But then something goes wrong,

And it stays right there for way too long.

And I wonder if I'm alright?

And how to disappear from line of sight?

Why does it all come crashing down when it finally feels fine?

I really want to be happy with this life of mine.

How long will it take to feel alright again?

This time, I'm a bit afraid to commit something insane.