Hope.

"What is it? Why are you not telling me?" He sighed as he placed his hand on hers and held it tight. "..You know that I care about you right? I can't see you like this.. Dying inside slowly, every second. It kills me.."

Everything was quiet. The silence filled their hearts. Her best friend knew that she was hiding something. Everything was not fine in her life. She looked at the sky and let a deep sigh escape her lips as she tried to hold back the tears that were glittering in her eyes. "Okay, let me try put this into words and then we won't talk about this again" Her voice was trembling now. "I feel like I have the literal weight of the world on my chest and every so often nowadays, that brings me down, a lot. It is exhausting to feel a physical weight pulling you down. I think of my future and I do not foresee myself getting to 60 or dying of old age. I fear for my future.. because there's a part of me which affirms that I will be like this for the rest of my years. This is a reoccurring thought which spirals my emotions out of control. I break down and that lethargy sticks with me.  When I think about suicide and self harm in the most elaborate manner, I cry because I fear for myself and how much little control I have... When I cant shed tears, it feels even worse. Like the whole world is gonna cave in and there's nothing I can do. I think, talking to people is tiring, even though everyone is nice and I feel bad about it. I think having to face people is tiring. I think there is no such thing as love and that this world is a terrible place to be in." She closed her eyes and the tears rolled down her cheeks. She sniffed and wiped her tears. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have.. That was just really stupid"

He wasn't surprised. He knew it but he was glad that she finally spoke up. He didn't smile. He didn't frown. He squeezed her hand a little and said, "Hey, don't say that. It wasn't stupid. It's fine." She looked numb.  
He looked at her and then looked at stars which were giving life to the sky. He continued, "You know that there are a lot of people like you and  I, right? And people like you and I, feel the same. We can't see our futures. We all fear that we wont be be alright, we're going to remain the same. We don't see love even when people are trying to make us feel loved. And that's probably because the people who're trying to make us feel loved are out of love, heart broken or empty. May be someday we all will meet or find someone who is full of love, who isn't heart broken or empty. May be someday we'll feel loved. But we're not sure. The world is a terribly sad place. Some people are strong enough to face it and cope with it. But for people like you and I, it's difficult." 
Now, she was staring at the stars too while he was speaking. "I feel tired as well. I want to talk to people but at the same time I don't. I appreciate that you and a couple of other people are trying to help me or feel better but I just can't. And I know that you appreciate it as well. And you can't feel better either. We just have to try really hard to keep ourselves numb so that we don't breakdown but I also know that it's not possible all the time... But still I want you to know that I'm here and I understand and I need you to keep trying even if you see no hope. I love you.."
They both didn't say anything for a long time. They had reached the stage in their friendship where even silence was comfortable. She rested her head on his shoulder and the silence spoke for them. They both felt the same. Hope keeps us going. Hope keeps us alive. Hope is something that we need when nothing seems right.

"..If only they knew.."

If only they knew what it's like to be you,

And how it feels to walk a few miles with sand in the shoes,

May be they would stop hurting and never try bringing you down.

If only they knew how fragile is your heart,

And how much it aches,

May be they wouldn't do anything to tear it apart.

If only they knew what's inside your head,

And why you stay numb and awake in your bed,

May be they would stop calling you names.

If only they knew what you do to ease and stop the pain,

Convincing yourself that it's not the end,

May be they wouldn't throw out their misery at you.

If only they knew what it's like to be careful in city of fools,

And how bravely you've been fighting away all your inner demons,

May be they would stop staring at you and do something to save you.

Questions.

Is it anxiety?

Am I anorexic?

Is it true or is it false?

Am I just sad or really depressed?

The questions linger inside my head.

Am I normal?

Am I peculiar?

What is it that really bothers?

Am I really alone or it's just my mind?

Can I see it all or am I being blind?

Is it the stress?

Is it the thoughts?

Is it the future or is it the past?

Is it something that always last?

The questions keep me awake at night.

Too tired to fall asleep and too tired to stay awake.

It's just a messy feeling that keeps hurting.

Why don't they understand?

Why didn't they never stand?

What will it take to be good enough?

Is it a fear?

Am I really scared?

Do you think I am stronger?

Do I really want my life to end?

Or is it just the troubles and pain?

Does things really get better?

Or we just get used to it and it starts bothering lesser?

And, once again, it's Choco's blah blah.

"..Life is a gift. All you need to do is open the box..." 

Sometime's life isn't a gift, you know? Especially if you're inside the box. At that time, you're the gift that's been given to the world. If people liked you. They'll use you till they get bored or you get broken. If they didn't like you, you'd get broken or thrown in a corner or dustbin anyways.

Few people want to be inside the box not being aware of what actually happens. Truth is bitter and sometimes ugly. You cannot run away from it. 

"..Tell me.."

I close my eyes,

And remember all the times.

It's still the same,

But seems so different.

I miss those times,

I miss those moments.

It's just another night,

Just one of the battles, I fight.

Plethora of anything,

Is never really fine.

Tell me, "I'll stick to you,

The sky isn't always blue,

The sun doesn't always shine,

And, it's okay to fall apart sometimes."

Show me, it gets better,

And nothing stays forever.

Tell me, "I'll miss you when you're gone."

So, that I can hold on for a little long.

"She is happy"

I stand alone,

Even when everyone is around.

I know I'm being bound.

But, someone help me to move on.

A faith in humanity fades away,

But a hope holds me back.

It's just a smile that I fake,

Yet, "She is happy" you blindly say.

"..wishing for this life to end.."

Another day has passed.

And now it's in the past.

Another tear will glitter with a hope.

Pills, razor, poison or rope?

Every option,

Takes you to your destination.

He is still perplexed to see you sad.

Wondering "what's going on inside your head?"

You cry and he's speechless.

He doesn't understand why do you think that you are a mess?

She died and they left you.

You cried and someone groped you.

That night you lost your smile and even your voice.

Only Lord knows that it wasn't your choice.

When you used words to reveal the truth.

One thousand souls laughed at you; called you "a crazy little youth"

They will never know.

They will never understand.

They can never see that you're wishing for your life's end.

"..Dysphoria.."

Emptiness choking my breath,

Making me to lean towards death,

Couldn't see anything except the color black,

Always wishing for someone to come back,

Lost in fairy tale which I thought was true,

It's may be pleasing to see the shades of blue.

Was a fool to feel beautiful,

Sanity warned but insanity overruled,

Trust is gone, soul is dead,

I feel no pain even when my cuts bleed.

Being tired of heartaches, I may choose euthanasia,

It's getting hard to have dysphoria. 

"..curse.."

Lost in the crowd,

Hear everything so clear and loud.

Now, you are invisible,

'cause words are strong and you're feeble.

Walking aimlessly to somewhere,

Misty eyes couldn't help but stare.

Everything is wrong, nothing is fair,

Miss all the times when you were together.

Darkness seems more interesting than their light,

They won and you lost the fight.

Reached the point again from where it started,
Embracing loneliness, embracing hatred. 

Screaming, crying and ending up worse,
You know it's nothing but a curse.

Knowing that you're falling into nothing.
 Cannot fly 'cause you don't have those wings.

"Molested"

Lived a nightmare few night backs,

Revolting hands that touched,

Me all over, was no one but someone

of my own blood.

Disguisting feeling kills me everytime.

And whenever I remember that night,

I move away from light.

My soul burns and screams in pain.

Vile intensions almost ate me up.

Secrets deep burried in my heart has started crawling up,

Reality that has ugly truth haunts me,

Where is God, Where is life?-I can't see.

I still remember the night when,

I was touched by those hands.

The touch wasn't of love;

Trust me it was lust.

A bit unconcious but still aware of the things,

I woke next morning, crying.

I did tell my mother, but she didn't believe.

She said, "Its all your fault,

You don't have manners to sleep"

My heart ached so badly; I thought,

And I think I have no one.

Such a disguisting feeling,

keeps assassinating;

It won't stop, untill it's done.

I did try to hug death,

But I failed.

The ugly face behind the innocent smile

Is still veiled.

P.S. This is not a fiction, not a thought but just an ugly truth.

P.P.S If you have any questions about this then I am sorry. I don't want to answer any of your questions. Not everyone's life is beautiful as yours. Not everyone can be happy like you. 

"..confused about the title.."

Often tried
and always cried,
No one was there,
when I used to fear,
My fate's been cursed,
I have realised..
No hopes, only denials,
No existence for my pals.
I've become a mere past,
My name on their heart will never last.

P.S. hello there ^_^ I'm back and I'm seriously not in good mood.

3rd accident! :O

3rd accident of this year. Well last year, I used to have at least 1 accident every month so I guess it's not too bad :P !! I'm in pain right now. My knee is still bleeding v_V I haven't told this to Tunesh 'cause I know he'd be mad at me. :O And yet again it wasn't my fault. Actually after Maths tution, me, PPG, Neeraj and Meraj were going back home together. We didn't stop at our "Adda" today. The other guys were still there but we left. Me and Neeraj were ahead and Meraj and PPG were behind us.

I was going really slow since Neeraj was on his bicycle and PPG too 'cause Meraj was on cycle. But suddenly, I don't know what the heck happened but Meraj was in my way and then bam!!! CRASH!! lol :P I fell, and my favorite blue jeans was torn and my knee was bleeding. At that time I couldn't to stand. :O Neeraj helped me to stand up lol XD, and in no time other guys (Prince, Kishan, Pankaj, Manish, Manni and Praveen) rushed to where we were. Meraj was holding me o.o and was supporting me.

It was dark(no street lights).. o.o so since every wanted to see the wound and also wanted to know if I'm okay they used their bike's headlight.:P It was hurting like hell O_O And then Meraj and others kinda argued and were like "we should take her to docs." and some were saying "Geez! yup she needs a doctor!" and I was like "eehh no! I'm okay. Its not too deep." Actually I hate doctors and was scared too. and after that

Meraj said, "Hey let me drop you home"! But I was stubborn and I was saying, "Uh no it's fine. I'm okay and I can go on my own"

Meraj again: "You just sit(pointing at the seat), I'll drop you" But I won. haha. :P I was still in pain!!

We headed to my home. And it kinda looked funny. It was only me and the guys were looking like my body guards. Fun! But then only Prince came with me to my home. We both lied and told that some crazy guy tried to overtake and I fell while trying to save him and the guys beat him for this!! XD Mom medicated it. But its still hurting and bleeding.

P.S. weird o.o Me and Meraj don't really talk. o.O He never took my name! o_O

A messy day!!

Caution: big post ahead!! :P

So.. I'm done with my exams. :) We don't have school for next 3 days!! Damn!! huh.. we want to spend more time with friends. We are just spending hours in school, talking 'bout nothing and teasing each other.

But today, Our teachers kicked us out of the school campus. Yesh literally kicked us out as we came out of the school building. x_X !! Blah, I don't what was wrong with them.

Before that, I wanna tell you something else too. Umm actually the thing I did yesterday.

Last night, I was talking to Saket (yes, I have again started talking to him) So he was kinda annoying me and started emotional atyachar.

He: You are good, nice, sweet, decent, lovely, kind, caring, helping, emotional and loving for your old friends. New friends are nothing to you right?

Me: you are equally special for me. Just like Tunesh and Prince. But I get more mad at you 'cause I expect alot from you. But I guess I don't mean anything to you. You just lie.

He: hey there's nothing like that!! But I know I am not good.

Me: What do u mean there's nothing like that? Isn't it true that I don't mean anything to you? And yes, you are not good 'cause you are a liar.

He:I don't lie. If you didn't mean anything to mean then I would have stopped talking to you like I did with others. And would have never appologized or cheered you up. But you won't believe 'cause I don't mean anything to you!! right?

Me: No its not like that. You are really special for me. If you were nothing for me then I wouldn't have cried for you nor would have been worried for you. But I don't know whay I feel that I don't men anything to you!

He: naah.. there's nothing like that. Drama queen!

Me: What.. drama queen? What can I say to you when you think its all drama? Listen I don't lie atleat for this stuffs. I just say what I feel whether its good or bad.

He: no, no, no. You are really my good Friend. But for you, I am your NEW friend.

Me: Shut up Saket. Friends are never new or old. Only the bond between them becomes old and how many times I have to tell that? and I that video too, I said that it's been only a year so I don't know much about you but you are really nice.

He didn't reply for like half an hour.

Me: What's wrong now? don't you wanna talk? See again, you aren't talking to me. That's why I get mad at you. Aaaaah leave it. No need to reply me. And just don't talk to me.

He(after few mins): Aaaaah geez I was having my dinner!

Me(after few mins): =/

He: What's wrong?

Me: Shriti died nothing else!

He:you are such a drama queen! :@

Me: I hate you :P

He: Yeah I know that you hate me. And everyone else does 'cause I am not nice.

Me: geez are you insane? I was kidding. I don't hate you devdaas! You really mean alot to me. And you are really special. I am really sorry. I didn't mean that. I swear I was kidding.

He: Its okay. Don't be sorry. The fact is fact. Bye.

Me: what the hell!! There's no fact in it. Try to understand. I just don't like one thing 'bout you and that's Your's and Puja's relationship. I told you many times but still you did the same. You patched up with her again and then again you broke up. And 'am sure, in few days you'll again patch up with her. And then you keep telling me that I am your best friend but you stay most of the times with Kritika and other commerce people. You insulted me during teacher's day celebration. You were even ashamed to host the show with me. And then when the thingie between me and kritika was going on.. you supported kritika not me. Thats it nothing else. well there's one more but leave it! But still this stuffs can't make me to hate you.

He: I haven't talked to kritika since last 15-20 days. And I don't talk to the commerce girls except Anisha. And I was not involved in that matter of yours and kritika. I haven't supported anyone. You don't know what the heck you are saying! And what's the last reason?

Me: do you still think that I hate you.? and everyone says that you did but please don't ask me who they were.(made him swear)

He: bye. good night, sweet dreams, take care and good luck.

Today again I texted him but he didn't reply!

And then at school.. he looked at me but I kinda ignored 'cause I was feeling bad. :/ I told this to Sush and she said: "Say I love you!!" cause earlier you said I hate you!

Me: lol shut up!! o.O

Other friends: hey wany sir once said that "..you hate only that one person you love the most.."

Me: lol geez I was kidding!!

Later after coming back from school. Texted him. Appologized him and finally we sorted it out!

P.S. would be reaching to your blogs soon ^_^

Choco's blah blah!!

"..I live the past again and again

whenever I feel depressed.."

P.S. Chocolaty mischieves.

"..Just A wish.."

A wish..just a wish,

that would never come true..

No this feeling ain't new..

Somewhere deep inside my heart..
a voice says..

I just want my friend back,
No one knows my heart aches;

Many Secrets were to be shared,
and confessions were to be made..

The moments when we were together,
I am cherishing it forever..

Smiles and tears in my eye, says,
those enchanting memories can never die..

Your absence in my life matters,

Somewhere  in this pleasing silence my soul shatters..

The allotment of death was so sure;

You died when they found the cure..

I have some fond regrets and a whimpering soul,

My impregnable heart still consoles..

Flash back 2009

I've found this piece on Shravan's and Leo's blog. Thought to do it.. so here it is..

1.What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?

A..Hmm.. I did many things like I wrote poems for the first time, I have started my own blog, I have shared my secrets to unknown people and I went to the movie theatre for the first time in my life! and didn't tie Rakhi to my classmates(boys) ;p

2.Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

A..Naah.. I have never kept new year resolutions, so, 'am thinking to have one this time that is "I am not going to trust Safedi ki Chamkar". She is so mean and selfish. I hate her!

3.How will you be spending New Year's Eve?
A..Texting or sleeping or watching TV


4.Did anyone close to you die?
A..Yeah.. My bestest friend Harpreet. I was really close to her. She used to wish for me during my Maths exams and they actually came true. She had encouraged me in everything. She was lucky charm. she was my soul sister. She had always fought for me. And the second person is Thamma ( my grand mom). She died some 12 days ago.

5.What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?

A..I want to be on the top again in Maths. Hmm.. read more and more books. Improve my writing skills. And gain an optimistic nature

6.What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

A..28th of March cause on this all my wishes for that time came true. 16th august cause my uncle and aunt came from kolkata and 19th August cause I missed (my best buddy)Tunnu's birthday and I came to know about a cyst in my ovary. On 31st August Harpreet got burned. On 1st September we came to know about her and On 2nd September we decided to visit her but I did not visit her cause my parents didn't want me to go cause of that cyst. 18th September 'cause Harpreet died on that day.

7.What was your biggest achievement of the year?

A..Having my own blog and writting poems!

8.What was your biggest failure?

A..Hmm.. scoring low in Maths!

9.Did you suffer illness or injury?

A..Yeah.. Fever.. and then body ache in the begining of new academic session. After that cyst in  the ovary.. stomach ache and some 2 hrs before I fought with my bro and the proof is the cut just above my... left eyebrow! 

10.What was the best thing you bought?

A..Totu my pet parrot. I love him alot..

11.Where did most of your money go?

A..Airtel recharge coupons!

12.What song will always remind you of 2009?

A..Harpreet's favorite songs specially "Teri ore"

13.What do you wish you'd done more of?

A..Concentrated more on Maths!

14.What do you wish you'd done less of?

A..Browsing the Net!

15.Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

A..Yeah.. I hate many people.. I hate some of mine so called relatives. I hate Safedi ki chamkar. I hate T sir. I hate those boys ( line maru types) in my class. I hate Kriti and Komz. I hate all the arang fellows.

16.What was the best book you read?

A..Trust Me by Rajashree.

 

17.What was your favorite film of this year?

A..Hary Porter and the half blood Prince and Ajab Prem ki Gazab Kahani.

18.What did you do on your birthday?

A..Didn't cry, Missed Harpreet cause I celebrated the previous one with her, Celebrated my birthday with unexpected friends that too in a restaurant, received lots of phone calls and msgs, was shocked to see everyone with me and felt a bit bad cause Tunnu left the party. And then an unexpected phone call from Angel wishing me birthday on Prince's cell.

19.what kept you sane?

A..Memories, Friends, My family and food that Mom cooked.

20.What did you miss?

A..Harpreet, My first crush, last year's students those who were in 12th.

21.Who was the best new person you met?

A..I have met many like Sree di, Fari di, King bhaiya, Jin baba in Dance India Dance site. And then Aastha in my class. she is so damn sweet( we are planning to make dostana 2 :p)

22.Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009?

A..Death never waits for anyone. You cannot trust anyone. Follow the rule"Move On"

23. What else happened this year?

A..I have been recieving unknown phone calls, missed calls, msgs and then offline msgs. Chimni(my friend) has changed. I am the new class monitor ;) and 'am feeling so lonely.

I wished Tanmay and Avinash ( my seniors) luck during sports(actually a couple of years ago I had a fight with them). I talked to Tanmay for the first time that to only because of sports and because he was in blue house. And he was worried for me, he wanted me to play in Dodge n'ball team cause I was also in blue house. I was really overwhelmed..aww...and Blue house won...yay!!

Happy New year Everyone!