Love

You’re insane if you love someone more than they love you. 

You’re insane if you are looking for love at the wrong places.
You’re insane if someone loves you but you don’t appreciate it.
You’re insane if you can’t feel anyone’s love for you at all. 
You’re insane if you don’t love anyone at all. 
You’re insane if you think you can’t be loved.
You’re insane if you just love the idea of someone.
You’re insane if you can’t tell whether you really love someone or just the idea of them.
But it’s okay. Love makes us all insane.

He loves me.

"It's weird when friends get into relationship, no?", I typed out on my phone and sent it to him on whatsapp. It was 12:30 AM here in India and 10 PM in his country. We have two and half hours time difference. I know him since 2009, we have been friends ever since then. I tell him everything and he tells me most of the things that he wants me to know. I can't stand a single minute without talking to him. When we're not talking, he is always in my head. I miss him. I know that he probably doesn't miss me this much or he doesn't like me as much as I like him but it doesn't matter.

He was online so he replied as soon as he saw the text, "Yeah.".

"What would you do if I got into a relationship?"

"I'd be like "We had something special :(" XD. If you gave me some time, I wouldn't mind it. If you ignored me I'd be all :("

"Well, I can only be in relationship if boys like Park exists." I replied, referring to the character Park of the book Eleanor & Park. God, I love Park. Guys like Park need to exists in real life. Rainbow Rowell did a fantastic job with her book. I love it so much.

"And, I can be in a relationship if I change my personality."

"Nah, your personality is fine. I like it." I replied. A second later, I added, "But  we can't date because we fight a lot."

"Fight-zoned :c", he replied.

"Hahaha, omg I just fight-zoned you. xD"

"you will regret it D': xD" before I could reply, he added, "Bbz will u love me 4evr?"

Was it the first time that we were playing along and talking about being together? No it wasn't.

I took a while before typing, "I don't wanna regret, let's date D:"

"Long distance doesn't work.. 0_0" He replied in no time and added, "Maybe when we're 26 and independent, it'll be good"

I wasn't sure if he was serious or playing along, so, I hesitated before replying, "What if it still remains long distance? What if I got married because of some family reasons or something? What if you started dating Jay."

"Nah, don't get married. Runaway.", he replied back and added "Nah doubt it. She has too many options"

"You do too and run where?", I replied.

"Save up and run away to Mumbai then run out of the country" and added, "Nah I don't have"

"You do"

"Really, I am disliked. 0_0"

"No. Liar. Everyone goes like 'omg, he is so cute' when they see you."

"No really. :/ You don't know what it's like.."

"I don't know what?"

"To be me.."

"Every girl from my college who has seen your picture thinks that you are extremely cute."

"Well, just your college :("

"You look great. You need to stop overthinking every time a jerk treats you badly because they are jealous of you."

He didn't reply. I had questions in my head. Was he serious? Does he like me? What was this? Why did we talk about it? I was still waiting for his reply so I could ask him those questions. I needed to know the answers. I thought that maybe his family was around or he was doing something else. So I asked him, "What are you doing? I need to ask you something."

He replied five minutes later. "Yea, ask?"

"Were you joking/just saying about the dating when I said, 'I don't wanna regret, let's date' or was it real?"

"A bit of both."

"Both? How?"

"I really don't know tbh ._."

Damnit. I thought and replied, "So you were just saying."

"Not rly"

"Then?"

"I don't know as I said. 0_0. Were you joking?"

"How can you not know? 0_0  and I asked first 0_0 I need to know or I won't sleep." Well blackmailing always works and it did again.

"I really don't. It was like 65% serious 35% joke. Like.."

"Like?", I replied three minutes later.

Two minutes later, he sent, "I was like it's not like I wouldn't want to date. But if the conditions were favorable then yes. But it's not like 'NOO NEVER'. Get it?"

Nope, I didn't get it. "Okay, yea."

"Cuz we are soooo far away and neither of us are ready. But if we were close and were ready then why not, y'know? Sorry for making it awkward. And close like able to travel.."

"Shit.", I thought. 

Should I ask him, why would he want to date me? I'm an abusive friend and probably be an abusive girlfriend to him. And he knows that he deserves better.

I stared at my phone screen. Watched his status going from "online" to "last seen" and "last seen" to back "online" again. Eight minutes later. It was 1:38 AM now. My head felt heavier. I felt happy and sad both and I didn't know why. I sent, "Why would you date me? Why not other girls? Why me? I'm depressed and paranoid and suicidal.. "

The chat status was now, "typing..". I waited and felt my heart racing. I was ready to be disappointed again but still secretly hoping for him to say something like Park did to Eleanor. God, I was going to cry.

"Because, you're an idiot. And you're beautiful. Inside and out. And I know that you don't believe me but it's true. It sucks that you don't know it. I miss you when we are not talking and I love when we talk or when we skype. I love your eyes and your smile. I wish I could see them, I wish I could see you. I want to hug you and do things together with you. I hate it when you get a crush on jerk guys and when they break your heart. I hate it when your parents are mean to you. I hate it when your filthyhead brother does things to you. I want to kill him for touching you, damaging you. I hate to hurt you. I hate that I can't make you happy. I want you to be happy.. I want you to live. I want to save you. I want to love you... I want you."

I was smiling and I had tears in my eyes. I couldn't believe that he said all of it. It felt beautiful, so fucking beautiful that it hurt. But this pain didn't make me want to kill myself. This pain made me want to live. And for the first time in 4 years, I wanted to live. I questioned myself, "Isn't it what I wanted? Isn't it what I wished for?" And, Yes, it was. 

His chat status was again changing from "last seen" to "online" and "online" to "last seen". I kept rereading the text that he sent. I tried to fathom my words into a sentence but I couldn't. 

At 1:43 AM, I finally replied.

"Listen.."

"Yea?"

"I love you."

":) I love you too"

"I should sleep now. It's late"

"Yea.."

"Good night."

"Good night. :) Sleep well, I'll talk to you tomorrow."

":)"

We humans are the biggest liars and hypocrites when it comes to accepting our feelings. When we try to befriend a person online, we convince ourselves that the person is real but when we start to fall in love with the same person, we start convincing ourselves that it's not real. Nothing about the person, or the feeling is real. 

Do you?

Do you smile or grimace,

when you see my name flashing, 

on your phone screen?

Do you think about me,

as much as I think about you,

when I wake up and fall back asleep?

Do you like my company,

or wish to be left alone,

when things start to fall apart?

Do you find me,

annoying or wonderful when,

I tell you about my day?

Do you miss me,

when we are not talking?

Do you wish we could be something, 
more than what we are now?
Do you wish we lived closer,
so we could know each better?

"..Dysphoria.."

Emptiness choking my breath,

Making me to lean towards death,

Couldn't see anything except the color black,

Always wishing for someone to come back,

Lost in fairy tale which I thought was true,

It's may be pleasing to see the shades of blue.

Was a fool to feel beautiful,

Sanity warned but insanity overruled,

Trust is gone, soul is dead,

I feel no pain even when my cuts bleed.

Being tired of heartaches, I may choose euthanasia,

It's getting hard to have dysphoria. 

"..I don't know for how long I can stand this.."

Drifting with winds,

Crying, singing, dreaming and living.

No complains but loads of pain,

Inside a naive little heart. 

Slit wrist is nothing but the proof,

How he kept assassinating me,

and how I kept denying it. 

P.S. See, I had told you. I can't stay happy. Bye bye Happiness. I miss you. 

"..A new fairytale is about to begin.."

Lost and broken, I was.

On that horrible and suffocating night,

I had decided to end up all my aches and worthless fight.

Sinking in tears, wishing to die.

Craving for a shoulder and a hug to feel home and cry. 

 I had met him before but I didn't know,

I had already sown seeds of love in his heart to grow.

He did care but I didn't notice.

While talking to him, I actually found peace.

Tears stopped and slowly the pain was going.

I fell asleep with neither bitterness nor cursing.

Next morning, I was in solace.

No more tears, no more aches.

We both were giggling and smiling like two little kids.

No one was being fake or hypocrite.

Innocence and love started growing more,

Neither of our hearts were sore.

He was knowing that I was falling for him.

I wasn't scared anymore to say, "I love you Tim"

Keeping my feelings only to me.
Denied everything that he wanted me to see.
At the end, I lost and love won.
We both were together before the dawn.
He chose me over everyone,
Despite the distance, he feels that I am the only one.
He is a prince and I am one amongst the ordinary girls,
He is so perfect that every pretty face twirls.
I have only loved and it's not a sin,
'cause no matter what you say but a new fairytale is about to begin.

P.S. Hello readers, yeah I am still alive :P Thanks for caring everyone, I am really fine. Your 17 years old poetess is no more a little kid. She has started going to college and she is loving it there. About the poem? Um, It's not sad :P You wanted a happy poem so here it is! Exactly how I feel so now you know that I am good and of course happy. :) 

"Sometimes"

Sometimes it's better,

to keep your pain to yourself,

Sometimes it's better, 

not to turn the pages from the past,

Sometimes it's better,

to stay quiet and wait,

for fate to show its charm,

Sometimes it's better, 

to change yourself for someone else. 

"..your mem'ries.."

Wide awake at sleepy nights,

Your mem'ries left me with misty eyes,

 Love is me, love is you,

The distance between us is never few.

We are meant to be,

May be yes? I can see;

Shadows speak about lonliness,
But your mem'ries bring me solace.

When you smile,
My world stops there for a while.
Your mem'ries give me strength to survive,
Because of you I'm still alive. 

There's a lot of pain deep inside,
There are hundreds of secrets that I'd to hide,
You are not here, you are not near, I cannot reprise;
'cause all I have is your mem'ries.


P.S. umm to be honest, I really didn't like this one :/

This was supposed to be a mushy poem! :( But I wrote about me x_x

Ting Tang Tag!! :D

Hello there~~

       So I am tagged by two people. Madhumati and Selenium :3

So yesh this post is all about me :) Thank you for the tag ^_^ I was really willing to do a tag actually so yippeee here I go!
Tag #1 
By Madhumati
*My favourites* 

Food: I love food LOL. I really can't stay without chicken and fish V_V I love spicy Indian food and chineese food. :) 

Colour: I love a lot of colours o.o.. Black, blue, white and purple are my all time favourites :)

Sports: I used to play cricket with all the guys and I used to cry and call my mom when they never used to take me in their team lol and at nights I used to play football with my dad :)

Dessert: Pastries and chocolate ice creams XD

Artist/Singer/Brand: Secondhand Serenade, Owlcity, Jarrod Matthew, NeverShoutNever and I forgot :(

Pair of shoes: I wear heels(since I am short) and also I like belly shoes and other shoes LOL! :D

Outfit: Eh you'll find me more in jeans and capries and leggings sometimes. (No one wonder why they call me tomboy!! o.o)

Accessory:  I really don't like these stuffs at all -_-" but I wear earrings, a bracelet kinda thing O.o and a locket(I am forced to were that locket and bracelet)

Fav place: Home, Cad-B and Schooool. I miss school :(

Hobbies: Writing, blogging, drawing, texting, reading. :)

Beauty product: Lip balm and eye liner and that too sometimes :P

Snacks: Maggie and Ramen :3

Movies: Don't have a favourite but I prefer watching, funny action movies and romantic ones are okay. :P
-That's it-
I am tagging:
Kelvin
Sankoo baba
Suruchi
Ayu
Selenium
Prams di

Tag #2
By Selenium

RULES:
*Each tagged person must post ten things about themselves*
*You have to choose and tag ten people*
*Go to their blogs and tell them you tagged them*
*No tags back*
*Have fun*




Ten Things About Me:

I am very random o.o
I say "I love you" to everyone LOL
I love saying "is" as "ish" and yes as "yesh"

 

I am in a long distance relationship :O
When I see any couple kissing then it creeps me out o_e 
I am 17 and I still hate talking or listening to "mature" and "vulgar" talks.(It creeps me out seriously. I even cried once when my friends where talking about it :P)

I am a slowpoke x_x
I don't get creepy messages from anyone because I never understand them!! :|

Friendship means everything to me and also love O.o
I get suicidal thoughts all the time which is not good. I have already tried to kill myself 5 times!!

And the tag goes to:
Ali
Hailey
Madhumati
Valli
Riya
YAM
Sawan
Nofairytale
Angel
Pavitra

"Pleading silence.."

The winds are screaming,

The sky is crying,

The pleading silence is tearing apart.

This pain in heart,

will never end.

Lets walk together with hand in hand,

I won't be scared,

I won't be harmed.

The world knows,

How life goes.

People be fake,

And put someone's life on stake;

They don't know how it feels,

When someone you care fail to stand to your deals.

Morning hopes die in darkness,

But the moon brings a peculiar calmness.

Should I shed a tear,  

Or fight back my fear.

"..fairytale.."

Secrets are to be shared,

Wishes are to be made.

It's a new hope, new day,

Never imagined my life this way.

The story of my life cannot end,

because my fairytale is about to begin.

 P.S. I am neither happy nor sad. I am just in a weird mood. Would you consider it a poem? O.o Ohh well, it's just some random lines that popped in my mind because of my boyfriend. 

*hugs* 

"Questions about my decisions.."

Black and White?

-a story, a bit old.

He has coloured my world

and now I know what is love.

If he's to walk a million miles

then I'll wait a million days,

to see his smile.

Spending sleepless nights with his memories

in my heart.
Distance cannot make us apart. 

Finally reality is better than dreams,

and looks like life gleams.
Funny- how soon he became so special;
His laugh- the music of my soul. 

He says-"I love you to death"
It takes away my breath.
Destiny knows the end of this fairytale.
The story of me and my prince charming.

Still not sure, what's wrong and what's right. 
I am so not here to win a fight.
He gave me a smile,
that I am wearing right now.
Did you see it or find it,
adorable somehow?

You have to be me,
To gain understanding.
You'll find all the answers of the,
Questions about my decisions
and on my relations
that you've been asking. 

P.S. To be honest -__-" I really cannot write mushy poems anymore. And yeah I didn't like the poem at all. Its 3 am and I am damn sleepy!! Ohh! I forgot to tell you guys. I am in a long distance relationship now. So yeah the poem was all about me and my boyfriend :*3

P.P.S. Just check out this amazing girl's poem and her "blog". Her name is Ali. She writes really well and I promise you. You won't regret following her. She ish  simply awesome.  :)