5 seconds of insanity

I never thought of talking to him before until one day when my friends made me add him on facebook. You can call it 5 seconds of insanity that I went on his profile and clicked on "Add friend" and the fear crawled up with thousands of "what if" questions. I canceled the request. In no time, I got a friend request. It was him. I accepted the friend request and logged out. I couldn't stop thinking about what I just did. 

30 minutes later, it was 1:20 AM now, I decided to login again. I had a message notification and it was from him but he wasn't online.

"Hi"
"Hi! Sorry, my internet stopped working."

About a minute later, he was online again.

"That's okay. It's good to finally talk to you." 
Jesus Christ! I'm finally talking to him. "Ah, same here.", I replied.

"How come you messaged me today?"
Gah, how do I tell him that I added him but freaked out? "Actually, You were on the suggestion lists on my FB sidebar. We have mutual friends so I wanted to click on the mutual friends list but I accidentally clicked on 'Add friend' and then freaked out thinking maybe you wouldn't like it so I cancelled it."

"Oh. And I thought that you searched for my profile and then added me but I guess I wrong.. This was accidental.. :("
"No, no. I just.. I didn't know your real name. Everyone calls you by your nickname. If I knew your real name, I would have added you..", I lied.

"Ah so you recognized me by my face.. my profile picture?"
"Yes."

"Like, 'Ah he looks like an idiot. It must be him.'"
"Omg, no."

"Aahahaha, I'm kidding. Why were you so scared in the first place? Why wouldn't I like it if you added me? Thank God, I was messing with my phone and was logged in or else I would have missed this chance"
"Haha, I'm glad too. :)"

"I'm so happy to talk to you. I've always wanted to talk to you. I tried several times but couldn't pick up the courage."  
Ehhh. Is this really happening? "I've always wanted to talk to you as well, but most of the times you looked angry and I thought maybe you don't like me and that's why I freaked out and canceled the request."

"Even if I looked angry, I wasn't angry at you.. and why would I dislike you? You're so sweet and beautiful. I really like you."
I couldn't stop smiling. I replied, "I like you too. :) :)"

We stayed up the entire night and talked. It was the best night of 2015. Everything changed after that night.

How many things can possibly go wrong in one life? And when too many things go wrong, what makes you to keep breathing? What makes you to still want to live this life? I believe that's hope and the idea of having everything right and better in the future.

Maybe someday, I'll have it all figured out as well. I'll have it all right and better.

I think about it a lot.

I think about the endings a lot. End of my existence to be specific. I wonder how things will be when I’m gone. How will they find it out? What will be their reaction? Who is going to cry the most? Who is going to regret the most? Are they going to remember me? How long will it take for my memories to fade away from their lives? What is their favorite memory with me? What will they miss the most about me? Will they miss me at all? Will they refer to me as the girl who was funny? Or someone who loved ice cream? Or the girl whose bluetooth device name was pizza? Or will they remember me as the girl who always looked sad but laughed till her stomach hurt? Will they remember me as the smart chick with nerdy glasses who got the highest marks in the class? Or as the girl who used to be short, chubby and not pretty at all? Will they remember me as the girl who loved to take photographs? What will they do or think about me after finding out about the suicide? Will there be rumors at my college? What will be the different theories for my suicide? Will the people I call friends, understand this? Will they forgive me? Will they regret not being able to help me?

Have you ever wanted to write something so bad but still couldn't make yourself to do it because you don't know how to? I have been feeling the same and it's been so long like it's been over two months. I did write something last month but that was just anger and sadness. How do I feel right now? I don't know. I want to run away from every person I've ever known or talked to and start over again. I feel so distant and cold. But I've also never been so close to the people around me.. specifically the people from my college and I had some good time with them. College has almost ended and now it's to find a job and it all seems so scary.

I finally have some time but I'm wasting it by watching "Supernatural" on Netflix everyday. I could use that time preparing for more interviews and exams and you know, just looking for more options? I watch movies and TV dramas till I get headaches and my eyes start to hurt. Sometimes I stop but sometimes I want to continue doing it because I cannot talk to the person I want to. It's the suckiest thing that could happen to you. Being invested on someone so much that they control your moods and actions? God, that is one of the worst things that could happen to you.

But here is the thing. I'm not sad. I'm not happy and I cannot bring myself to care much about anything. I don't feel like I'm in love, I think, I'm out of love. It's a good state to be in. But I need to let go of some bonds and ties and make some new ones. I need another story to live in.

I avoid speaking/writing about this as much as I can but sometimes I just can't. So, I'm going to write about me.. about us.. the women. The truth is the world is an unsafe place for women. No matter how old we are, what shape, size, class or color we are, we have to go through this. The sexual harassment. The more I try to run away from my past, the more it starts to haunt me back. 

Let's get straight to the point. Why is it so hard for the men not to sexually harass the women. When will it finally stop?

I know, I'm not going to be an inspiration and the harassment will not stop after writing this post. It'll be just another shout in the void. Sometimes, I wonder if men would stop doing this to us once they knew how it feels like? I don't know. Probably, not. They cannot understand this at all.

Do you know how it makes me feel? Fine. I'll tell you. It makes me wish, I was dead. It makes me want to burn my skin or peel it off because someone touched me without my consent. It makes me sad and angry and gives me another reason to be afraid of all men. I feel so intimidated that I can't even look at their face or directly into their eyes. I've been a victim several times and it feels like it's happening more these days because something happens every other day. It even happened today, a couple of hours ago when I was in the bus, coming back from an open campus drive. I'm already very intimidated by men so if I ever have to sit next to a man in the bus, I make sure that I'm sitting next to decent man but today I was wrong today. Very wrong.

The man sitting next to me, was nudging me with his elbow at the side of my stomach and at first, I just thought that may be his arm was hurting so he was trying move or stretch a bit but it kept happening. I moved away from him but it happened again and again and the nudging became rubbing(I put my arm on my side, hoping it would stop but instead it felt like he was trying to move my hand) so I had to exchange my seat with a guy who was sitting right in front of me. I didn't say ordo a single thing to that asshole and you have no idea how much I hate it. He kept looking at me and I avoided looking at him or in his direction. I wanted to hit him and shove my pen into his eyes. 

I hate it. I hate my life. I know, I shouldn't feel so and not all men are same but if things keep happening to me over and over again. how will I ever feel okay? Honestly, it becomes harder to trust a men when one of your abusers is your own family member. I don't want to live like this.. Please, I beg you, don't do this to us.

I wish things would just stop happening after this. I wish I could make a difference. But life doesn't work like that. I told one of school best friends about it and he said, "Couldn't you chose a better seat?" Now, it's my fault that the man was creepy? Great. You know, this is our society where we blame women who get harassed/abused but we refuse to teach the boys, not to do it. The men won't stop doing it and the women will continue to suffer.

I'm not a mentally strong person. I'm emotionally unstable. My days are either filled with too many highs or too many lows and sometimes I take too long to speak up. As I said before, I know it won't stop so I'm not hoping for it to stop but I'm hoping to get enough courage that I don't take too long to react.

Depression is so fucked up. Once it gets a good grip of you, it never leaves you alone. It follows you everywhere. It gets in your system. It starts eating you up from the inside, slowing sucking up the life out of you. You scream for help but it gets lost in the noise of the crowd like a shout in a void. You cannot bring yourself to speak or express yourself, you start to forget things that once made you happy, you feel unworthy and isolated, you crave human interaction but at the same time you want to be alone and slowly being alone starts to suck as well. You smile and laugh with your so called group of “friends” but deep down you know you don’t mean anything to them and the smiles and laughs reminds you more of how lonely you are and how deep is the void in your heart. It fucking hits you out of nowhere and it makes you act accordingly. A few minutes later, when you’re done doing the action, you start to realize how stupid you were to do that. You don’t easily feel happy or loved and even if you do, it vanishes in a blink. Sometimes, you wish you were hit by a truck, sometimes you want to drink the floor cleaner, sometimes you want to make a hundred cuts on your arms and bleed to death, sometimes you want to empty the bottle of the pills. Sometimes you just want to sleep away your life. You think of a thousand ways to kill yourself. You know that it’s all in your head but you cannot do anything about it. The world disgusts you but at the same time you want to be a “normal” person. You cannot see if it’ll ever get better but you try to live your life the way it is.

2015

The only thing that's going to change with the year 2015 is the calendar. Nothing else. Everything and everyone will remain the same. You and I? We are going to be the same. 

I'm definitely over this.  I don't have any expectation because expectation leads to disappointment. I learned a lot of things in the past year. I learned that it's okay to let go. I learned that growing up means being true to yourself. Whatever you feel, whatever you like, accept it. But one thing I didn't learn is to like or love myself. I hate myself the most and that makes me my own bully but let's not talk about it. Maybe 2015 is going to be better or worse or just be the same as 2014. 

It was a bad year for most of us, some lost families, some lost love, some lost friends. And the saddening thing is that most number of people have died this year. I didn't think I'd make it to 2015 but I did. I made it to 2015, thanks to all the love and prayers that I received. I really want to thank them all for being in my life. I broke my ties with some people and I mended some with the others. I didn't speak to some people but I missed them. I missed some people but I didn't speak to them. I came to the realization that life is actually very very short. There's no point of grieving for too long but also there's no point of bottling up the feelings. There's no point of tearing up your wishlist for other if they don't make you happy. 

It's like when you're younger, you make up plans and you dream of big things to accomplish someday and then one day, you're 21 and you realize that the "someday" is supposed to be today but you haven't done anything yet and you already have the responsibility that you never wanted in the first place, not so soon at least. Ask yourself, have you lived your life? Have you been happy? Do you do things that make you happy or makes you feel alive? Have you fallen in love? Have you accepted your feelings for the person you actually love? When are you going to tell them that you love them? You don't have time. It's slipping out of your hands. You need to start living for yourself. You need to do what makes you happy. Just do it. Don't think too much of the consequence. That's the only way to live.

I realized this a few weeks ago and I decided to live my life as much as I can but I won't run away from my responsibilities for that. Hopefully I'll continue living like this in the next year and hopefully I'll grow. I really pray 2015 doesn't disappoint the ones who are expecting something from it.

December 12th wasn't a bad day.

So, what does a good day feel like? Do you feel like it's a good day when you wake up? Does life give you hints that something good is about to happen? You never know which is the good day or the bad day until it happens. It's just one moment that decides or makes things good and bad. If I had not forced myself out of my bed today then it wouldn't have happened. I don't know what got into me today that I got out of my bed, dressed up, and went to college for the interview and didn't walk out saying "It's a waste of time(It was kind of waste of time though)." 

I wanted to prove something. I wanted to do it for myself and I did it but I'm not entirely satisfied. I believe that I'm lucky enough that very few people turned up for the interview. The placement department was expecting around 100 students but barely 65 showed up, among which a few students walked out because they were not interested or thought that they were too cool for the job. I felt like I could make it so I stayed and made a friend stay with me as well. We did the HR round(Earlier I wasn't aware that we were only going to have the HR round so I was ready for the written as well) and we both got selected. Actually all the girl candidates got selected so weeeeee. Nah. We only had the HR round and there was nothing technical or core knowledge involved. 

The interviewer only wanted to check the communication skills for the girls because it's a backend job. Some were bad and I wasn't great either(I hate to talk and I suck at it) but I managed to impress him somehow and I'm bloody sure that I impressed him because he made me say something(that I already told him when he asked me about my views on the "current scenario of freshers in India" in the HR round.)  in group chat with other girl candidates and he said that I was absolutely right. YAY.

Okay so I didn't have to do the written test, group discussions, technical interviews and whole bunch of other selection process except the HR round and I got selected with everyone else but you know what makes me happy? I stood out in the crowd. I was different. I made mistake like everyone else but I was different and I got noticed. I feel better about myself now like I can do something. And maybe I'm as bad as I think I am. I feel better. But here's the thing, I won't be doing this job. Yup, I'm not travelling to Gurgaon to work in the backend for a 10k Salary. I can earn more than that in my own state and do something better than that. I wanna do something in which I can improve, learn and grow.. something that makes me happy. I don't want the easy way out.

The other reasons why I'm not joining the company is because my parents don't want me to go to gurgaon. They are pretty much scared by the recent rape incidents. And the expenses yes, I don't want my parents to pay for my stay and food and other things. They have given me enough and now it's my turn to give them back. But before that, I need to get a job(eh). Hopefully I'll get one.

The kind of day, you start wanting to stay in bed and wanting to stay asleep and continue the dream you're dreaming. The day that just doesn't feel right so you decide to go back to sleep again after 4 hours. You crave for something that you can't have and you regret about the things you said to someone last night and you think. You keep thinking about last night's conversation and you wonder if you've ruined something. 

I always speak of bad nights. How would you define a bad night? Different people define a "bad night" differently. If you're going somewhere at night and your car breaks down, it's a bad night. If you have certain plans for the night and you have to cancel it for some reason, it's a bad night. If a loved one falls sick, meets an accident or dies, it's a bad night. So a bad incident makes a night, a bad night.

For me, almost every night is a bad night. Tonight is a bad night as well. It's been a while since I had a good night. I don't even remember when did the last good night happened to me. Maybe the last good night happened 8 years ago? I don't know. I don't remember. I have been having trouble falling asleep at night and I hate that the most. I have been thinking about things. Several terrifying things one of which is losing my dad because of his sickness. I cannot tell how many days he has but I really want those days to be more than the days I've lived so far and the days that I'm going to live in the future. I don't want to see a world without him or without my mum. God, I hate growing up. Our parents grow old with us and I think that's the worst part because eventually their existence will come to an end. 

My mum thinks that I do pointless things at night when I don't sleep. She couldn't be more wrong but will she ever understand the things that have been troubling me and what's keeping me awake? Dad's sickness, unwanted responsibility, college, exams, freaking interviews that I have been failing, my own freaking personality that I hate so much. No she won't. 

I've decided that I won't chase happiness anymore because I'm not meant to be happy and loved. I wanted to be happy.. Completely happy and that hasn't happened. I have tried to laugh and smile without feeling empty but that hasn't happened. I want to be loved but that hasn't happened either. I don't think I have chased love before.. and I'm not planning to do it either. I've always loved people more than they have loved me.. so I won't be doing that anymore.

There's a knot in my stomach and a void in my heart.

A storm in my head and words stuck in my throat.

God, I hate myself. I hate my very existence. My very pointless existence. I wish I could present it in a better a way, a beautiful poetic way. I hate every bit of myself, my skin, my bones, every single drop of my blood. Every bit of me that has made me, ME. I want to stop existing because my existence seems pointless to me. I don't see myself anywhere or with anyone. I'm broken and nothing can fix me. I'm beyond repair.  And I wish I could talk about it to a person who is close to me, or who feels right but I can't because they either don't understand it or get really scared. 

If it makes you feel better..

If it makes you feel any better,

I'll keep myself from speaking of death,

and how my absence would make this place a better place.

I'll make myself smile during the long screwed up nights, 

just to keep myself sane.

I'll let my head sleep when it feels too tired to exist.

I'll let you be my happy pill that cures the sadness in me.

I'll stop painting my sleeves red.

I'll do it all, darling, if it makes you feel any better.

But just in case I failed,

I'd leave you a last note with tear and ink stains,

Just to tell you that I tried my best,

And hope you understand that this was never in my hands.

Scared

I'm scared of how happy I feel these days.

I'm scared how the feeling of being okay seems so new to me.

I'm scared to make new attachments.

I'm scared that it'll get bad again soon.

I'm just scared and it's absurd,

Because it's all I ever wanted,

And now when I finally seem to have it,

It's scaring me to death.

I wonder if the situations have changed at all. I wonder if I am the only one who has changed. I still don't have "friends" but I can still hang out alone in the campus and try to fit in with others. Sometimes, I wonder if people notice it and what do they think of. To be honest, I don't think about it just "sometimes", I think about it all the time. 
I am jealous because I don't have friends who call up to ask me how I am when I'm sick. I'm jealous because I don't have friends who ask me if I want to go to the cafeteria building for lunch. I'm jealous because no one asks me if I'd like to go the mall or for a movie. I'm jealous because no one pulls my leg anymore. 
I think I embarrass people with my looks or quiet not so appealing/fun personality. But at the same time I'm surprised how so many people know my name and know what I'm good at. 
I don't get mad at "small things" not unless you insult me. I hate when people say that I get offended easily. A few people are kind of scared of me like they think that I'd hit them or shout at them, something like that, you know? But I've never been that kind of person. I think I probably look angry as well.. not just stressed and depressed.  
I need to stop looking for affection already but I don't know how to stop. I'm not anyone's priority and that hurts way too much. And I want to stop breathing to stop that pain.  

Why would you come back?

Why would you come back in her life after 
breaking her down into a thousand pieces?
Why would you want her back and tell her that you care,
if you've still kept the doors of your life shut?
Why would you do this?
She is unmendable and if you hurt her more now,
it will only burn her down to ashes;
And she will be carried away by the strong wind, 
leaving behind, no traces of her existence.
Is that what you want?
But why would you want that?
Why would you come back and hurt her again?

Oh hey, friend. Is it ok, to call you a friend? Um, let me just call you "friend" here in this post because there's something I need to tell you.

So I've been trying to be myself. I'm being myself but I've been more quiet recently and there's this weird fear and anxiety which is dwelling inside me and it's eating me up from the inside. I laugh when there's something to laugh about, I smile back when someone smiles at me. I wave "hi" and "goodbye" to my batchmates when they pass by and sometimes I even have small conversation with them. But here's the thing about small conversations. They are small and they end in a blink of an eye. 

Anyways, I know that you think that I'm "fine" and that there's nothing wrong with me but how come there are so many people who can see the sadness of my face. I'm not saying that I purposely keep a frowning face. I don't. But it's just my face that looks frowny and dull now. And let me quote something that was said to me by one of the trainers from my college. She said, "You look so dull and in pain. Is there something wrong? It feels like, like.. there's something.. some sort of burden or pain that you're carrying.. Are you alright? You are so young.. you shouldn't be this sad. Please if there's anything, please come to me and talk to me if you need someone to talk to me." 

The same thing was said to me by another co-ordinator of the TNP department of my college on the same freaking day. Woah! I must be such a good actor, no? Nothing scares me more than knowing that someone knows that I'm not okay. Sometimes, I want them to know that I'm not okay but that means I will have a hard time telling a lie and my voice will crack and I usually feel choked when people notice that I'm not okay. 

Right now I'm sick. (I wonder if it's because I haven't talked to you because usually that's what happens to me but don't worry. I will be alright. And I really hope it's not because of you) A regular/general doctor who actually delivered me almost 21 years ago.. can tell that I'm stressed and depressed and I'm standing on the edge. The way she told not to get so depressed and stressed was scary. 

I even had a few of my batchmates who asked me the same questions.. It's all so clearly visible on face and I can't even hide it anymore but you refuse to see it or believe and what have you done? You gave up on me.. After all this time, after knowing all of my secrets and past memories and feelings, this is what I get. I believe, I never should've trusted you. It's all of my fault. I can't believe I'm wasting another night writing about you.

God, I wish you knew that I wasn't being dramatic and I'm actually depressed and having a bad phase and this isn't normal. This is not a feeling or thought that can be forgotten over a night's sleep. I wake up wanting to be dead. That's how fucked up I feel but nope, it's all drama, right my dear "friend"?

"How do I tell you.."

So, it's another bad night,
But you won't understand.
The absurd thoughts of day, 
Are finally making sense.

Words are more sincere, 
When my loved ones are asleep.
I wish I could explain the way my bones ache, 
A wish to end it all is running in my veins.

How do I tell you that I can't think of anything else?
How do I tell you that I'm so tired of being overwhelmed?
How do I tell you that I'm so tired and I want to sleep?
How do I tell you that I want to sleep but I don't want to wake up?
How do I tell you that I hate having to wake up and go through this again?
How do I tell you that I hate not being able to conceal the sadness of my face?

A beautiful friend

When you're a teenager, every little crisis feels like the end of the world. You don't feel like existing anymore. Life seems so twisted and we keep making terrible decisions. It happens to everyone.

Embarrassed?

'I don't wanna live anymore.'

Fought with best friend?

'The world can stop spinning now.'

Parents don't understand?

'Why did they even brought me in this world?'

Crush has a crush on a terrible person?

'Why does it always happen to me?'

When you're a teenager, you feel like the only person who understands is your friend. I felt the same. Actually I didn't but I always had friends who cared a lot for me. Like seriously a lot. And it felt good to know that there were people who made you happy and who made you forget all your worries. I had people who'd do anything to make me feel happy again and that included cussing their crush because they hurt me and attending my birthday party even when they have a sick mum at home who had a minor operation two days ago. I was blessed to have friends like them. I know that not everyone has friends. 

Exactly five years ago, on September 18th, one of my best friends took her last breath on her death bed. She tried to kill herself, she was in hospital for around 20 days. She had major burn injuries. She was recovering but something happened and she couldn't take the pain anymore. I still remember every single detail of the day. How I got the terrible news of her suicide attempt and the day when our Chemistry teacher told us in our Morning tution that she couldn't make it. I remember wishing it was a terrible joke or rumor. I remember calling up my other friends and telling her about our dead friend. I remember trying to cry in the shower but I couldn't cry. I didn't cry until the principal started talking about her. I think I cried all day long. 

For a long time, I felt guilty for not telling her how much she meant to me. I felt guilty for not visiting her in the hospital. I felt guilty for not making it to the funeral. I was also amazed how everyone else was "normal" again. As if she never existed in our lives but I think we still did talk about her. We even saw her in our dreams sometimes and we'd talk about it the next day in school. I wonder if anyone still remembers this day. Maybe not. 

I always write about her on this day. I don't know why. I think because she was like a lucky charm for me or may be because when I found about tumor(it was a misdiagnose), she said "hey, you're going to live long. I hope God gives you all of my days". She said that a week before her suicide attempt. She had the most beautiful smile. She was strong and crazy and stupid.

I miss my beautiful friend. Her death did change me and my life. I didn't have my lucky charm and I suddenly started to lose my other friends, got more depressed, performed poorly in exams, argued with family, blamed myself for her death and what not. Like I said in the very beginning of this post, when you're a teenager, every little crisis feels like the end of the world. But this wasn't any little crisis. I lost a friend and she was never coming back. 

I try to save as many lives as I can. I know what depression is, I know what it feels like when you want to die. I want people to know that they are important and that I love them. I make sure that they know that I love them. If you read me, if you think of me, if you've ever made me smile, if you've ever helped me, I love you. Thank you for existing. Please don't kill yourself. Things will get better for you. If it didn't get better, you'll at least have enough strength to deal with it. 

There was a time when I used to write because I didn't feel happy/good/comfortable/content but now things have changed or should I say that I have changed. I have changed because now I can't speak or write when I'm low. I just stay quiet because the words are stuck in my throat and in my head and I can't even spill them out on a paper.

What can I tell you? How do I tell you? I'm not happy. It's been such a long time and I haven't been happy and things haven't been okay but it helps when I tell people that I'm not sad and things are okay. It's easier to say that and it doesn't make things worse for me so it's all good I believe.

I tried to tell my closest friends about how I felt but they dismissed the conversation. They shut me up by saying that what I felt was normal and that I was being dramatic. I knew that I'd break down one day if I bottled up my feelings/thoughts/pain for too long and that's what happened. I broke down.

I'm still not fine. I'm still trying to recover. I'm angry and tired and yes I want to cry it all out and sleep. I want to let go of it. I have to be okay and function like a normal human who doesn't have depression and who isn't suicidal.

My closest friends refused to believe that I wasn't okay and on the other hand at college, after trying so hard to keep a smiling face and laugh and make others laugh, they still caught me. They can see that I'm sad and I'm not okay. It happened during a mock interview feedback. My teachers who barely know me can see it. I was asked again and again if I have an issue or am I going through a bad phase.. They said, "it feels like you are carrying a bad pain or burden or something with you that's weighing you down. You are so young. You don't need to be so sad. Please talk to me. Come to me whenever you're free and talk to me. What is it?" That was one scary moment. I didn't want anyone to know that something is wrong with me and I haven't been able to hide that anymore and it's frustrating.

I used to have a friend. I don't have that friend anymore. It doesn't feel the same anymore. I'm scared to talk to him. It matters less if I don't talk to him. The only thing that matters is the fact that he doesn't care. And yes he did say that he didn't care. He had some sort of complaint. He said two things:
"You like the idea of having me" and "You're keeping me just in case, no one likes you back." 
Things are not okay between us anymore and I want to walk away. I even tried to end it. He doesn't make me feel better any way because I know that he doesn't care and there's a huge difference between us now. I think I don't care about him anymore either. I don't know why I still wish that he cared.. I'm hoping for miracle but I wonder if I'll forgive him. We still talk and I still pretend that I forgave him but there's something that kills me. Something that hurts and it's mostly because of him and his words. God, how can I be so stupid? How can I do this? I honestly did think that he was different. And he wanted to be in the "friendzone" but he also wanted us to be something more when we actually meet up. He said he cared. He said he'd never give up and after five freaking years, this is how it ends. 

I'll meet new people. I know that. I'll meet people who are better than him. I know that I deserve better. I'm not a bad person. 

I know that I'll get in trouble if someone from college reads it. The blog is synced with my facebook so I guess someone will read it but I really hope they don't. If you're from my college and if you've read it please don't mention it to me or anyone else. I don't want to talk about it. It's exhausting. Things will get better. I will get better as well.

You wake up every morning because you have to.

It's just one of those nights, 

where you just want to break down. 

You're so tired of the falls and failures.

You want to talk but feel too exhausted to speak.

You just want to sleep and never wake up. 

Maybe sleeping for 365 days straight would help, 

getting over this feeling? 

When was the last time you shared, 

something really personal with someone you trust? 

You stand still while your relations get covered, 

by a layer of dust.

Maybe the reason why you didn't share, 

the recent bad experience with people is because, 

you're afraid that they'd leave you as well. 

Maybe you're just sick of seeing everyone leave. 

Quite perceptible that it kills you. 

The anger burns you.

And your fears paralyse you.

Yet, you wake up every morning because you have to.

You know what I need? I don't know what I need. May be I need to feel good about myself again. May be I need to be felt important. And no I don't want a person who knows just my name to tell me that I'm important and I matter. I need a person who has known me for months and years to tell me so. God, I hate sounding so vulnerable and needy every now and then. I can't feel anything. I don't feel happy. I don't feel loved. I don't feel sad. I don't know what I feel. I feel so ungrateful by not feeling blessed or happy when people on twitter try to make me feel better. I will try to get over this feeling soon. I promise.