He loves me.

"It's weird when friends get into relationship, no?", I typed out on my phone and sent it to him on whatsapp. It was 12:30 AM here in India and 10 PM in his country. We have two and half hours time difference. I know him since 2009, we have been friends ever since then. I tell him everything and he tells me most of the things that he wants me to know. I can't stand a single minute without talking to him. When we're not talking, he is always in my head. I miss him. I know that he probably doesn't miss me this much or he doesn't like me as much as I like him but it doesn't matter.

He was online so he replied as soon as he saw the text, "Yeah.".

"What would you do if I got into a relationship?"

"I'd be like "We had something special :(" XD. If you gave me some time, I wouldn't mind it. If you ignored me I'd be all :("

"Well, I can only be in relationship if boys like Park exists." I replied, referring to the character Park of the book Eleanor & Park. God, I love Park. Guys like Park need to exists in real life. Rainbow Rowell did a fantastic job with her book. I love it so much.

"And, I can be in a relationship if I change my personality."

"Nah, your personality is fine. I like it." I replied. A second later, I added, "But  we can't date because we fight a lot."

"Fight-zoned :c", he replied.

"Hahaha, omg I just fight-zoned you. xD"

"you will regret it D': xD" before I could reply, he added, "Bbz will u love me 4evr?"

Was it the first time that we were playing along and talking about being together? No it wasn't.

I took a while before typing, "I don't wanna regret, let's date D:"

"Long distance doesn't work.. 0_0" He replied in no time and added, "Maybe when we're 26 and independent, it'll be good"

I wasn't sure if he was serious or playing along, so, I hesitated before replying, "What if it still remains long distance? What if I got married because of some family reasons or something? What if you started dating Jay."

"Nah, don't get married. Runaway.", he replied back and added "Nah doubt it. She has too many options"

"You do too and run where?", I replied.

"Save up and run away to Mumbai then run out of the country" and added, "Nah I don't have"

"You do"

"Really, I am disliked. 0_0"

"No. Liar. Everyone goes like 'omg, he is so cute' when they see you."

"No really. :/ You don't know what it's like.."

"I don't know what?"

"To be me.."

"Every girl from my college who has seen your picture thinks that you are extremely cute."

"Well, just your college :("

"You look great. You need to stop overthinking every time a jerk treats you badly because they are jealous of you."

He didn't reply. I had questions in my head. Was he serious? Does he like me? What was this? Why did we talk about it? I was still waiting for his reply so I could ask him those questions. I needed to know the answers. I thought that maybe his family was around or he was doing something else. So I asked him, "What are you doing? I need to ask you something."

He replied five minutes later. "Yea, ask?"

"Were you joking/just saying about the dating when I said, 'I don't wanna regret, let's date' or was it real?"

"A bit of both."

"Both? How?"

"I really don't know tbh ._."

Damnit. I thought and replied, "So you were just saying."

"Not rly"

"Then?"

"I don't know as I said. 0_0. Were you joking?"

"How can you not know? 0_0  and I asked first 0_0 I need to know or I won't sleep." Well blackmailing always works and it did again.

"I really don't. It was like 65% serious 35% joke. Like.."

"Like?", I replied three minutes later.

Two minutes later, he sent, "I was like it's not like I wouldn't want to date. But if the conditions were favorable then yes. But it's not like 'NOO NEVER'. Get it?"

Nope, I didn't get it. "Okay, yea."

"Cuz we are soooo far away and neither of us are ready. But if we were close and were ready then why not, y'know? Sorry for making it awkward. And close like able to travel.."

"Shit.", I thought. 

Should I ask him, why would he want to date me? I'm an abusive friend and probably be an abusive girlfriend to him. And he knows that he deserves better.

I stared at my phone screen. Watched his status going from "online" to "last seen" and "last seen" to back "online" again. Eight minutes later. It was 1:38 AM now. My head felt heavier. I felt happy and sad both and I didn't know why. I sent, "Why would you date me? Why not other girls? Why me? I'm depressed and paranoid and suicidal.. "

The chat status was now, "typing..". I waited and felt my heart racing. I was ready to be disappointed again but still secretly hoping for him to say something like Park did to Eleanor. God, I was going to cry.

"Because, you're an idiot. And you're beautiful. Inside and out. And I know that you don't believe me but it's true. It sucks that you don't know it. I miss you when we are not talking and I love when we talk or when we skype. I love your eyes and your smile. I wish I could see them, I wish I could see you. I want to hug you and do things together with you. I hate it when you get a crush on jerk guys and when they break your heart. I hate it when your parents are mean to you. I hate it when your filthyhead brother does things to you. I want to kill him for touching you, damaging you. I hate to hurt you. I hate that I can't make you happy. I want you to be happy.. I want you to live. I want to save you. I want to love you... I want you."

I was smiling and I had tears in my eyes. I couldn't believe that he said all of it. It felt beautiful, so fucking beautiful that it hurt. But this pain didn't make me want to kill myself. This pain made me want to live. And for the first time in 4 years, I wanted to live. I questioned myself, "Isn't it what I wanted? Isn't it what I wished for?" And, Yes, it was. 

His chat status was again changing from "last seen" to "online" and "online" to "last seen". I kept rereading the text that he sent. I tried to fathom my words into a sentence but I couldn't. 

At 1:43 AM, I finally replied.

"Listen.."

"Yea?"

"I love you."

":) I love you too"

"I should sleep now. It's late"

"Yea.."

"Good night."

"Good night. :) Sleep well, I'll talk to you tomorrow."

":)"

It hurts

It hurts that you don't know.
It hurts that I've done it again,
And already falling for you every second.
It hurts that you like me
but you don't love me.
It hurts that you like my eyes and smile
but it's not something that makes you happy.
It hurts that I'm thinking about you so much 
these days and you have no idea about it.

Do you?

Do you smile or grimace,

when you see my name flashing, 

on your phone screen?

Do you think about me,

as much as I think about you,

when I wake up and fall back asleep?

Do you like my company,

or wish to be left alone,

when things start to fall apart?

Do you find me,

annoying or wonderful when,

I tell you about my day?

Do you miss me,

when we are not talking?

Do you wish we could be something, 
more than what we are now?
Do you wish we lived closer,
so we could know each better?

I want to forget you.
Erase and white wash,
the darkest corner of my mind,
where you hide.

I want to stop,
writing verses that
follow the traces of
your existence.

I want the scars,
on my arms to fade soon,
so "our good times and bad times"
stop replaying itself,
over and over again.

I want to burn down,
the feelings I had for you,
when I was too foolish,
to think that you cared.

The page still remains blank

Trying to pen down the emotions,
but failing so undeniably.
Starting by capturing one thought,
and sugar coating it with ornamental words.

The page still remains blank.
The head still remains busy fighting, 
the unwanted thoughts.
Eyes get heavier and turn down,
the proposal to compose something beautiful.

Managed to scribble something like a line, 
which fall short to mean anything.
The words are scattered everywhere,
and I can't frame it together. 

The page still remains blank.
Words are sore from being used,
over and over again.
They have switched sides,
and have refused to divulge,
the premonition and apprehension.

After two hours, ten minutes, 
and twelve seconds later,
The page still remains blank.
Seems like it's time to give up the battle.

It's time to put down the pen,

and get up from the chair.

It's time to turn down the lights,

and lie on the cold matres.

It's time to close eyes and, 
let the dreams fill the void.

Love.

I  wonder  how                    it feels to love 
someone     and   to  be          loved by   them   back. 

I wonder how you can  love    someone so much that you
can't  imagine a second without  them. I wonder how love can 
make  someone  to give up  everything   for  that one person.

I wonder how  love can  make  this world a  beautiful place 
to    live. I   wonder how   just one   person  can make you 
feel    so wonderful       and   complete  when   you are 
with    them.   I   wonder         how  lovers  feel.  I 
wonder    if     I'd    able  to    love  someone

enough    to   feel    all  of      those 
things. I  wonder  if    I'll ever 
meet someone who will
  love  me that much 

and more.
-S.M.

Almost

"Wow, you're really paranoid"

Is the only line from last night's 

Conversation that is stuck in her head 

And is repeating itself 

Over and over again.

She almost kicked down her walls;

Almost made herself vulnerable;

Almost forgot her plan;

It's such a shame, 

She almost made it happen.

Those three nights

I've been thinking about,

the last three nights that

I spent with you, singing, smiling

and listening to your lovely voice.

The songs that you sang to me

are still stuck in my head.

I think about it every night

while I lay awake in my bed.

I've caught myself smiling while thinking

about those three nights.

But I'm afraid to tell you,

how beautiful those three nights were.

I'm afraid to tell you,

I won't mind staying up all night

to see your face again.

I'm afraid and that's all.

I want to suppress my feelings 

and try to keep a distance,

so you don't hurt me like everyone else

in any way.

Dammit. I have to keep myself occupied

and forget those three nights.

It's funny how quickly things change.

It hasn't even been 24 hours and 

I'm already starting to lose hope and vision.

You weren't on mind till last night,

but now, I'm starting to see,

the traces of the words,

that blew holes on my skin.

You're in my system,

slowly consuming me from the inside.

Accept my felicitations,

for you're now playing a vital role,

in causing the end of my worthless life.

A piece of my heart

Let me tell you a story about a boy;
A boy who had beautiful eyes,
And a smile that made my heart ache.
I saw his pictures,
I saw him smiling.
I saw something more,
And it was the pain that he was hiding.
He seemed to be having bad days,
Because he loved someone who didn't love him back.
I wish I could do something to ease the pain.
I couldn't see him hurting,
So, I gave him a piece of my heart,
because he gave his to someone else.
I gave him a piece of my heart,
because he needed it more than I did.
I gave him a piece of my heart 
because he was out of love.
I gave him a piece of my heart
Because maybe I was falling for him.
I gave him a piece of my heart,
because it seemed like the best thing to do, 
I was in love with a boy who loved someone else.

You're the one who killed me.

Don’t you dare talk to me,
Don’t you dare shout at me,
Don’t you dare touch me again.
Once again, after all this time..
Don’t you dare make me feel worthless,
Don’t you dare act like you’re a superior being.
I wanna slit open my wrist,
And write on the walls of your room with my dripping blood
till I lose my consciousness.
Write about what a terrible person you are,
And how I've died a thousand before
Just because of the way you’ve treated me.
Mention all the names you've given me,
Mention how you undressed me with your obnoxious eyes,
Mention how you invaded and ruined my life 
with your vile intention when I was busy dreaming..
Just so the world can know,
I didn't kill myself,
You’re the one who killed me.

There he is,

Looking outta window, embracing the healing breeze.

This time, I think life is going to win,

'cause he is letting the breeze poke through his skin.

Making him feel blessed for a while,

It gave him life and a reason to smile.

The window seat did it's magic again,

Showed him, life isn't all about pain.

I hope that smile stays on his face,

And he gets all the good things, he's been trying to chase.

Pages from her diary

"Sometimes it's so hard to gather all the words that are scattered everywhere inside you. They say, if you need help, talk to someone you trust. The people you trust, take you for granted. They believe that you're gonna stay. They believe that things are not that bad for you. They believe that you're not that sad. They believe that you'll figure out a way just like they did. But they don't know. They don't know and they don't understand that every one is not the same person. Every person has different insecurities and fears. Every person has different sorts of reasons that cause the pain. And right now, I'm starting to believe that I should kill myself so that people can see how sad I am, how much it hurts, how much I hate myself and how difficult this is for me."

Book Review: Tantra by Adi

Title: Tantra by Adi

Author: Adi

Publisher: Apeejay Stya Publishing(2013) 

MRP: Rs. 195

Genre- fiction, fantansy, thriller

No of pages: 334, Paperback

Book's website: www.tantrabyadi.com 

Twitter: @dearadi

Facebook: fb.com/DearAdiPage

Do you love vampires? If you do then you must read Tantra by Adi. When I first started to read the book, I wasn't really excited but the book has been written so well that I couldn't stop reading. I'm not really into vampires but I read the book within 7 days so now you know how much I liked it.

The book is all about the central character, Anu, an Indian guardian from New York. Guardians are the people who fight the vampires and save the world. She comes to New Delhi, India to avenge the death of  the person she truly cared about, Brian. Her parents are not aware of her duties and job. She has a typical aunt at New Delhi who wants to get her married. Anu takes help from the local guardians to save the city and take the revenge.

Don't judge this book by it's cover. I wasn't really impressed by it's cover art but once I started reading, it kept me hooked. The language that the author used is easy to grasp and enjoyable All the characters in this book are strong and unique. The inner battle inside Anu with all the situation is very well portrayed by the Author. I loved the way, the author has used Amit's character to keep moments in the book lighter and humor filled. Amit is a guardian at Delhi who helps Anu to fight the vampires at Delhi. He is truly a very likable character in this book. 

The Indian touches to vampires and dark power is commendable. The pace of the book is perfect. It has everything like friendship, Love, Adventure, Romance, Drama, Humor, Suspense, Revenge, Action, Vampires and all the Superhero stuff with a unique Indian touch. 

Oh and another positive thing about this book is that this time it's a girl who saves the world. Finally a heroine. I must applaud the author for giving us a female protagonist as vampire slayer.

Coming to the negative points, ah well there's not a lot of negatives except the actions used in the book like "shift". It is still big question mark for me. And it kept annoying me. I wish, the author had described what "shift" meant! I wanted to read more about Anu and Brian. There wasn't much about them, just a few flashbacks and that's it.

But oh well, It may not be everyone's cup of tea but it's a must read for all the vampire lovers. So all you vampire lovers out there and the ones who like to experiment, go and get this book now!

This review is a part of the biggest Book Review Program for Indian Bloggers. Participate now to get free books!

One of those nights

It's okay, I guess I will be alright,

Because it's just one of those nights,

Where I try,

Not to cry.

                                    One of those nights,

                                    Where I hope to take my last breath,

                                     And run into death.

One of those nights,

Where I stare into nothing,

And let my heart feel everything.

                                    One of those nights,

                                    Where I walk the memory lane,

                                    Spend some time there and try not to go insane.

One of those nights,

Where I do things to keep myself numb,

And assume that it's my favorite season, autumn.

                                  But I've had enough of those nights,

                                 And I am starting to think that it's not alright.

She did what they wanted her to do.

They asked her to let it all out. "All the feelings that hurt you, all the thoughts that make you miserable, just say it and throw them away.." She wiped her tears and said in a whimpering tone, "Alright, I will.."

She took their advice because she wanted to get better. She did what they said. But, it was hard for them too. Too see so much pain and thoughts trapped inside her. Everyday, it was a new story, a new kind of bad day which never seemed to end for her or them. But more than getting sad, they were getting tired of seeing her like that. Hating herself, skipping meals, self harming, crying herself to sleep and trying to kill herself. 

One day they couldn't take it. They wanted her to stop speaking of death. They said, "You are hurting us. It hurts to see you like this. Please don't do this. And you know what? People have it much worse. But they don't want to die. They don't speak of dying. Goddamn! JUST APPRECIATE YOUR LIFE! NOBODY LOVES A SAD PERSON, DON'T YOU GET IT?"  

She sat numb there, staring at nothing. She knew that nobody loves a sad person, they didn't have to throw it at her like that.. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.. yeah, you're right. I should probably go now.." she said with a broken smile and went to her room. 

Next morning, everything was different for them. She seemed better, she was smiling and although she was talking a lot about the normal things and normal life like normal people but she was quieter than ever. 

Her thoughts are like tangled wires that block her throat. She started to keep everything to herself because it's what they wanted.  They think that she is fine and better than before but only she knows that she is not fine. Those thoughts and feeling still haunt her and something still 'causes the pain but she tries to smile it away. Someday, these feelings and thoughts will explode and consume her and it will be too late to save her. Who will they blame then?

It was getting bad again..

And finally when she felt like the past wouldn't chase her down, every single thing started reminding her of the past. It was more like the past started repeating itself. It was getting bad again. She came out of her classroom. She was the only one left inside. All of her classmates were gone. She searched her cellphone in her bag and walked down the stairs. 

It was a really good weather. It was thundering and in no time, it started drizzling. She felt lost in her own college campus. People staring at her made her heart sink. The bad phase was about to begin again. She liked the rain. She thinks rain is sad and beautiful. The sky was crying. It knew, she had to go through it all over again..

"..It was all over.."

She was alright. Well, at least that's how she felt. She made others believe that too. She was a little different. She had changed. ..Because others wanted her to change and appreciate  life. This time she could handle all the thoughts and stress. She was contented with loneliness. She didn't complain and she tried to hide it all with her smile. Even she was confused about her feelings and this new change.

She kept smiling. People were not thinking that she was insane anymore. Everything seemed normal. Although she didn't really talk to a lot of people. But she had good acquaintance with everyone and specially online people. She was really close to one person. She used to tell him everything. The good, the bad and the ugly. But she wasn't able to tell him anything anymore 'cause she didn't know what she was thinking or feeling.

Two nights ago, she was alone. Her parents were asleep and so was her brother. She had no one to talk to. Her closest friend was gone for a movie, another friend who was like his sibling was busy with his official work. And then two others were busy studying for their exams. She wasn't getting paranoid. She looked calm even when the demons were dragging her to darkness. She was missing her best friend who passed away 3 years ago. She missed her all the time but that night she was missing her even more. She smiled when a tear escaped her eyes. She sat up and looked at the ceiling and whispered, "I'm sorry.."

She stood up and walked towards the bathroom. She went in and quietly looked for her dad's razor. She stuck it to her skin and moved it across her wrist. She started to bleed and cry. She saw a bottle of floor cleaner. She decided to drink it too. She reached out for it and remembered the last time she had tried to drink it. How it burned her throat and how she ended up puking. She grabbed the bottle and hold her breath and drank all of it. Tears rolled down her cheeks. She tried not to throw up but she did and collapsed on the ground. Her whole life flashed in front of her eyes. From smiling to crying, laughing to weeping and.. mourning. Everything. She said, "I'm sorry" once again and closed her eyes.

It was all over and she was gone. Leaving behind tears, questions and memories. She did love a lot of people. She was someone who used to fall in love again and again with places, moments, people and their actions. The little things people did for others and for her. She was exhausted. Exhausted of trying and trying again. She wanted it to end. And the demons inside her head made her do that.

Just another day of her life.

"I'm alright.. It's just because of less sleep", she said convincingly looking down at the people enjoying and laughing with their friends. She had stopped smiling, stopped talking and even stopped looking at people's face if they tried to talk to her. She is lost in a cold world.

He didn't know what else to say? And it wasn't the first time that she left someone speechless. He still stood next to her looking at those people with her. She looked calm while a hundred of things were going inside her head. 

He hesitantly asked, "So umm, where are the other two friends of yours with whom you hang out usually?" 

"I don't hang out with them anymore", She said, abruptly.

"Why? What's wrong?"

"I dunno.. I.. I realized where I stand in their lives" She said  giving a crooked smile.

He was a little perplexed with that answer. He was about to ask her what exactly happened when his friend walked over, frowning about the next class. 

She chuckled looking at his friend, just to seem normal. She talked to both of them about the classes and the assignments and all other work loads. They all talked till the bell  went off. And they went to their classrooms for the next three classes. 

It was becoming like a everyday thing to her. She gets up in the morning, gets ready for the college, goes to college, hates people, attends class, tries to do everything perfectly, get questioned for being alone, attends more classes and comes back home. She was mysterious. She didn't have true answers to the questions, "How are you?" or "What's wrong?"  because she knew that people wouldn't understand.

She is suicidal. She wants to die. But if you ask her how she is and how everything is in her life. She'll say that she is alright and everything is fine. You can't believe her just like that. When a person "really" wants to die, they won't let you know before doing it 'cause they know that you will try to save them.

"I'm going to come back for you, though."

It was just another day for Sam Marquez as she made her way to the Montecito casino. She had been to her suite only at dawn, but hell, she was the best casino host in the world and workaholic was her middle name! 

She walked to the lobby only to stop half way ..

"Jeremy?" she said softly but the man her gaze stopped at looked back at her, grinning and walked up to her.

"Hi Sam" he said.

"Hi" she replied, looking dazed.

*A Year Ago*

"I felt... love," she says. "Every Christmas, every birthday, I sat by your bedside... you're my best friend... you're my only friend."

"Sam l-"

"No, let me finish, or I won't be able to get this out. You brought me here from Texas Jer. We were going to start a new life in Las Vegas together. I remember.

I visited you each time that I could. And I prayed for you to be fine... When you hit your head on the slot machine, they told me you were in a coma, that you might never wake up and  I , I, didn't know what to do..."

"But I'm fine now,Sam. I know it's been 20 years. Heck, I didn't believe it until the doctor told me. I am scared Sam." Jeremy said, stroking her hair, "I don't know what's going on around me. I barely recognized myself. But the doctor told me that a lady used to keep coming and I figured it'd be you. The nurse gave me your number and so here I am! Come with me Sam, let's go make a new life together. I love you"

She took a deep breath and with tears in her eyes said,  "I know Jeremy. But a few years from now, you might decide you want something more, someone better, someone who isn't me. And I can't have that. You have a lot to catch up on. You, you need to go see the world."
I'm going to come back for you, though."
"I'll be here," she said, kissing him.

.........

"I am here"

"You came back" she said, mostly to herself.

"Yes, I told you I'd be back Sam. I told you I'd be coming back for you" Jeremy said, kissing her forehead.

The one in white is Sam :')

Congratulations Shriti, 400 posts is such a brilliant achievement =D !

I wish you loads and loads beautiful, inspiring and wonderful posts.
You're an amazing, strong, really intelligent :D girl, and I wish you all the best of luck in everything (:

I haven't been writing since almost a month now, and I was wondering what I would, for this guest post when suddenly Las Vegas popped up on my TV screen and this is what I could manage. I hope you like it when you read it Shriti.
Much much much love and hugs
X
Blahblaholic 

[Disclaimer : The characters of this story are not my property. The comatose man meeting Sam really did happen (Season 4.14 : The Burning Bedouin). This is my spin off of what I would want there to be. The dialogues that are italicized are taken directly from the show. Sam's dialogue telling him to catch up on isn't 100% accurate, but as it isn't mine entirely, it is italicized too.]