Just another day of her life.

"I'm alright.. It's just because of less sleep", she said convincingly looking down at the people enjoying and laughing with their friends. She had stopped smiling, stopped talking and even stopped looking at people's face if they tried to talk to her. She is lost in a cold world.

He didn't know what else to say? And it wasn't the first time that she left someone speechless. He still stood next to her looking at those people with her. She looked calm while a hundred of things were going inside her head. 

He hesitantly asked, "So umm, where are the other two friends of yours with whom you hang out usually?" 

"I don't hang out with them anymore", She said, abruptly.

"Why? What's wrong?"

"I dunno.. I.. I realized where I stand in their lives" She said  giving a crooked smile.

He was a little perplexed with that answer. He was about to ask her what exactly happened when his friend walked over, frowning about the next class. 

She chuckled looking at his friend, just to seem normal. She talked to both of them about the classes and the assignments and all other work loads. They all talked till the bell  went off. And they went to their classrooms for the next three classes. 

It was becoming like a everyday thing to her. She gets up in the morning, gets ready for the college, goes to college, hates people, attends class, tries to do everything perfectly, get questioned for being alone, attends more classes and comes back home. She was mysterious. She didn't have true answers to the questions, "How are you?" or "What's wrong?"  because she knew that people wouldn't understand.

She is suicidal. She wants to die. But if you ask her how she is and how everything is in her life. She'll say that she is alright and everything is fine. You can't believe her just like that. When a person "really" wants to die, they won't let you know before doing it 'cause they know that you will try to save them.

Misery or just reality?

Something has hit me again,

I still have to figure out what is it,

Misery or just reality.

What was I thinking? 

Where was I standing?

Where am I now?

Plan was to take it slow,

And just go with the flow.

It's insanely foolish to think, 

that our lives will coax.

The one who really cared,

 Has passed away.

Is it bad,
To miss the ones who are dead?
I'm sorry, my intention is not to  make you feel low.
Right now, I just  want to lay here and miss your "new year" show.

"..And there she smiled.."

I'm honored to be invited for writing a guest post for one of my sister like blogger. These twisted wires are weird, we once a blue moon get to know people who we cannot meet in real but then it feels good to know them. :) Anyway, here is a piece from the old diary mixed up with fiction. Hope you will enjoy the read.

The dew drops on the grass blades seemed to be gifted by the rain, Sparking as the diamonds are well polished. Zoya had this habit of shedding tears on grass for some odd reason. She believed that this way she could give away her pain to green colored leaves and they'll soak it like sunlight and moreover they are brave enough to carry themselves whatever the season is. She sat there from morning to eve, watched the life passing by.

Aman was observing her from distant.. "may be I should talk to her.." he thought.. "oh, no, it would be bad idea, she might get more upset!" He took out his notebook from his bag and started scribbling.. While leaving, he handed the folded paper to Zoya and said, "I'm sorry, but I guess, it's yours" and left. Before Zoya could say anything, he was gone. She unfolded the paper and began to read and..

Walking through empty streets,

Her heart began to fill with silent screams,

She tried to look back to call upon someone,

"Don't look back" her wisdom suddenly answered.

Her mind started loosing control,

Surrounding by the haunting loneliness,

Her tears were eager to flow,

"No more tears" her faith reminded.

Withered with the thirst and tired,

Not knowing which way to turn,

She paused and closed her eyes,

She remembered her mother's lullaby.

Her growing up,

Her bruised knees and tears she shed,

Mixed with the beautiful times she had.

The world is out there,

She must try to conquer her fear.

Life is like a circle.

She ought to get around it, she thought.

She opened her eyes again,

Feeling empty, lost and drained.

"Move on", gently her inner voice whispered,

The visions blurred and voices faded,

She looked ahead and moved.

..And there she smiled.


~Sunakshi.

I don't know anyone anymore.. They all seem strangers to me. May be I am feeling a bit too alone? I don't want to be an attention seeker by posting this here. I am not okay.. It's been a month now. I can't even concentrate on my studies. I screwed all my exams. My college friends are great but they live really far(literally more than 50 miles away). My best friend lives in Croatia. I don't feel like anyone cares anymore.. Don't think that my best friend cares either.. I am just so stupid. I am crying and typing this over here.. Don't know why? I really miss people who were once with me.. Everyone.. Even the ones I met over internet.. I just feel left out. When internet is your only social life. Things doesn't seem right.. I miss Raed, Juan, Prince, Manish, Saket, Sergi, Jake, Jasmine, Neeraj, Pratish, Srishti, Anubha, Darren, John, Rob, David.. and a lot of people.. Sunakshi di, you'll get mad at me if you read this.. I am sorry.. I'm sorry, I'm hiding stuffs from everyone. I am self harming again. It's going really wrong..

"..you won't understand.."

It's not that easy as it seems,

Reality is hundred times bitter than dreams,

Thought of loosing someone close to heart,

and the one who has a vital part,

is worse than a nightmare.

I don't really show that I care,

but trust me, only I can understand that pain better.

"..I miss you more.."

Its been a while since I have cried,

and I've lied,

again that I am fine,

Finally I've found the perfect line.

No enmity,

and a weird sanity in me,

Silence and distance assassinating soul,

More weird to see me, trying to discover a prior role,

Not alone anymore but still I miss you more,

Enchanting memories and primitive theories,

playing with my mind every now and then,

Now I wanna fall asleep and never wake up again.

P.S. Its a sheduled post. I wrote this poem a while back in hostel when I was missing Saket. I even cried and no that fool doesn't know that I cried for him! *sigh*