I think about it a lot.

I think about the endings a lot. End of my existence to be specific. I wonder how things will be when I’m gone. How will they find it out? What will be their reaction? Who is going to cry the most? Who is going to regret the most? Are they going to remember me? How long will it take for my memories to fade away from their lives? What is their favorite memory with me? What will they miss the most about me? Will they miss me at all? Will they refer to me as the girl who was funny? Or someone who loved ice cream? Or the girl whose bluetooth device name was pizza? Or will they remember me as the girl who always looked sad but laughed till her stomach hurt? Will they remember me as the smart chick with nerdy glasses who got the highest marks in the class? Or as the girl who used to be short, chubby and not pretty at all? Will they remember me as the girl who loved to take photographs? What will they do or think about me after finding out about the suicide? Will there be rumors at my college? What will be the different theories for my suicide? Will the people I call friends, understand this? Will they forgive me? Will they regret not being able to help me?

Cricket Chaos

I don't think I will ever understand how people can be so stupid. I don't ever write about these things on my blog but I just couldn't keep myself from writing about it. Why didn't people trend Yuvi's name when we were winning the world cup matches without him in the team? Why no one missed him then? Yuvi is certainly an amazing and yes, he was the man of the tournament in the last world cup but he wasn't the only one playing. There were 14 other members who were in 2011 world cup  squad. 

Yes, Yuvi wasn't in the team this time. No offence but then Sachin, Sehwag, Gautam, Yusuf, Zahir and others were not in the team either. They were the part of the same team who won the world cup.

"Agar Yuvi rehta toh hum jeet jaate" Seriously? Okay yeah, maybe we could have won the match or maybe not. But here is the truth, we won 7 consecutive world cup matches without him and rest of the other squad members of 2011 world cup. We could have won this one too without him but we are all missing an important point here. Team Australia. The team which played better than us. We didn't lose because Yuvi wasn't in the team or because Anushka was there at the stadium. We lost it because Australia played better than us. That's the only reason.

Stop hating Anushka, Dhoni, Virat and rest of the other members. You think Dhoni didn't give his best? Think again. The man lead the team and made us win seven consecutive world cup matches. He didn't fly back to India on her daughter's birth. He played selflessly. He is an amazing player. Entire Team India did an amazing job at Australia. They are all  amazing players and they did their best. We gave it back but we can get it back again next time. Have faith in team India. Stop hating.

2015

The only thing that's going to change with the year 2015 is the calendar. Nothing else. Everything and everyone will remain the same. You and I? We are going to be the same. 

I'm definitely over this.  I don't have any expectation because expectation leads to disappointment. I learned a lot of things in the past year. I learned that it's okay to let go. I learned that growing up means being true to yourself. Whatever you feel, whatever you like, accept it. But one thing I didn't learn is to like or love myself. I hate myself the most and that makes me my own bully but let's not talk about it. Maybe 2015 is going to be better or worse or just be the same as 2014. 

It was a bad year for most of us, some lost families, some lost love, some lost friends. And the saddening thing is that most number of people have died this year. I didn't think I'd make it to 2015 but I did. I made it to 2015, thanks to all the love and prayers that I received. I really want to thank them all for being in my life. I broke my ties with some people and I mended some with the others. I didn't speak to some people but I missed them. I missed some people but I didn't speak to them. I came to the realization that life is actually very very short. There's no point of grieving for too long but also there's no point of bottling up the feelings. There's no point of tearing up your wishlist for other if they don't make you happy. 

It's like when you're younger, you make up plans and you dream of big things to accomplish someday and then one day, you're 21 and you realize that the "someday" is supposed to be today but you haven't done anything yet and you already have the responsibility that you never wanted in the first place, not so soon at least. Ask yourself, have you lived your life? Have you been happy? Do you do things that make you happy or makes you feel alive? Have you fallen in love? Have you accepted your feelings for the person you actually love? When are you going to tell them that you love them? You don't have time. It's slipping out of your hands. You need to start living for yourself. You need to do what makes you happy. Just do it. Don't think too much of the consequence. That's the only way to live.

I realized this a few weeks ago and I decided to live my life as much as I can but I won't run away from my responsibilities for that. Hopefully I'll continue living like this in the next year and hopefully I'll grow. I really pray 2015 doesn't disappoint the ones who are expecting something from it.

Love

You’re insane if you love someone more than they love you. 

You’re insane if you are looking for love at the wrong places.
You’re insane if someone loves you but you don’t appreciate it.
You’re insane if you can’t feel anyone’s love for you at all. 
You’re insane if you don’t love anyone at all. 
You’re insane if you think you can’t be loved.
You’re insane if you just love the idea of someone.
You’re insane if you can’t tell whether you really love someone or just the idea of them.
But it’s okay. Love makes us all insane.

December 12th wasn't a bad day.

So, what does a good day feel like? Do you feel like it's a good day when you wake up? Does life give you hints that something good is about to happen? You never know which is the good day or the bad day until it happens. It's just one moment that decides or makes things good and bad. If I had not forced myself out of my bed today then it wouldn't have happened. I don't know what got into me today that I got out of my bed, dressed up, and went to college for the interview and didn't walk out saying "It's a waste of time(It was kind of waste of time though)." 

I wanted to prove something. I wanted to do it for myself and I did it but I'm not entirely satisfied. I believe that I'm lucky enough that very few people turned up for the interview. The placement department was expecting around 100 students but barely 65 showed up, among which a few students walked out because they were not interested or thought that they were too cool for the job. I felt like I could make it so I stayed and made a friend stay with me as well. We did the HR round(Earlier I wasn't aware that we were only going to have the HR round so I was ready for the written as well) and we both got selected. Actually all the girl candidates got selected so weeeeee. Nah. We only had the HR round and there was nothing technical or core knowledge involved. 

The interviewer only wanted to check the communication skills for the girls because it's a backend job. Some were bad and I wasn't great either(I hate to talk and I suck at it) but I managed to impress him somehow and I'm bloody sure that I impressed him because he made me say something(that I already told him when he asked me about my views on the "current scenario of freshers in India" in the HR round.)  in group chat with other girl candidates and he said that I was absolutely right. YAY.

Okay so I didn't have to do the written test, group discussions, technical interviews and whole bunch of other selection process except the HR round and I got selected with everyone else but you know what makes me happy? I stood out in the crowd. I was different. I made mistake like everyone else but I was different and I got noticed. I feel better about myself now like I can do something. And maybe I'm as bad as I think I am. I feel better. But here's the thing, I won't be doing this job. Yup, I'm not travelling to Gurgaon to work in the backend for a 10k Salary. I can earn more than that in my own state and do something better than that. I wanna do something in which I can improve, learn and grow.. something that makes me happy. I don't want the easy way out.

The other reasons why I'm not joining the company is because my parents don't want me to go to gurgaon. They are pretty much scared by the recent rape incidents. And the expenses yes, I don't want my parents to pay for my stay and food and other things. They have given me enough and now it's my turn to give them back. But before that, I need to get a job(eh). Hopefully I'll get one.

I always speak of bad nights. How would you define a bad night? Different people define a "bad night" differently. If you're going somewhere at night and your car breaks down, it's a bad night. If you have certain plans for the night and you have to cancel it for some reason, it's a bad night. If a loved one falls sick, meets an accident or dies, it's a bad night. So a bad incident makes a night, a bad night.

For me, almost every night is a bad night. Tonight is a bad night as well. It's been a while since I had a good night. I don't even remember when did the last good night happened to me. Maybe the last good night happened 8 years ago? I don't know. I don't remember. I have been having trouble falling asleep at night and I hate that the most. I have been thinking about things. Several terrifying things one of which is losing my dad because of his sickness. I cannot tell how many days he has but I really want those days to be more than the days I've lived so far and the days that I'm going to live in the future. I don't want to see a world without him or without my mum. God, I hate growing up. Our parents grow old with us and I think that's the worst part because eventually their existence will come to an end. 

My mum thinks that I do pointless things at night when I don't sleep. She couldn't be more wrong but will she ever understand the things that have been troubling me and what's keeping me awake? Dad's sickness, unwanted responsibility, college, exams, freaking interviews that I have been failing, my own freaking personality that I hate so much. No she won't. 

I've decided that I won't chase happiness anymore because I'm not meant to be happy and loved. I wanted to be happy.. Completely happy and that hasn't happened. I have tried to laugh and smile without feeling empty but that hasn't happened. I want to be loved but that hasn't happened either. I don't think I have chased love before.. and I'm not planning to do it either. I've always loved people more than they have loved me.. so I won't be doing that anymore.

There's a knot in my stomach and a void in my heart.

A storm in my head and words stuck in my throat.

God, I hate myself. I hate my very existence. My very pointless existence. I wish I could present it in a better a way, a beautiful poetic way. I hate every bit of myself, my skin, my bones, every single drop of my blood. Every bit of me that has made me, ME. I want to stop existing because my existence seems pointless to me. I don't see myself anywhere or with anyone. I'm broken and nothing can fix me. I'm beyond repair.  And I wish I could talk about it to a person who is close to me, or who feels right but I can't because they either don't understand it or get really scared. 

If it makes you feel better..

If it makes you feel any better,

I'll keep myself from speaking of death,

and how my absence would make this place a better place.

I'll make myself smile during the long screwed up nights, 

just to keep myself sane.

I'll let my head sleep when it feels too tired to exist.

I'll let you be my happy pill that cures the sadness in me.

I'll stop painting my sleeves red.

I'll do it all, darling, if it makes you feel any better.

But just in case I failed,

I'd leave you a last note with tear and ink stains,

Just to tell you that I tried my best,

And hope you understand that this was never in my hands.

Why would you come back?

Why would you come back in her life after 
breaking her down into a thousand pieces?
Why would you want her back and tell her that you care,
if you've still kept the doors of your life shut?
Why would you do this?
She is unmendable and if you hurt her more now,
it will only burn her down to ashes;
And she will be carried away by the strong wind, 
leaving behind, no traces of her existence.
Is that what you want?
But why would you want that?
Why would you come back and hurt her again?

"How do I tell you.."

So, it's another bad night,
But you won't understand.
The absurd thoughts of day, 
Are finally making sense.

Words are more sincere, 
When my loved ones are asleep.
I wish I could explain the way my bones ache, 
A wish to end it all is running in my veins.

How do I tell you that I can't think of anything else?
How do I tell you that I'm so tired of being overwhelmed?
How do I tell you that I'm so tired and I want to sleep?
How do I tell you that I want to sleep but I don't want to wake up?
How do I tell you that I hate having to wake up and go through this again?
How do I tell you that I hate not being able to conceal the sadness of my face?

A beautiful friend

When you're a teenager, every little crisis feels like the end of the world. You don't feel like existing anymore. Life seems so twisted and we keep making terrible decisions. It happens to everyone.

Embarrassed?

'I don't wanna live anymore.'

Fought with best friend?

'The world can stop spinning now.'

Parents don't understand?

'Why did they even brought me in this world?'

Crush has a crush on a terrible person?

'Why does it always happen to me?'

When you're a teenager, you feel like the only person who understands is your friend. I felt the same. Actually I didn't but I always had friends who cared a lot for me. Like seriously a lot. And it felt good to know that there were people who made you happy and who made you forget all your worries. I had people who'd do anything to make me feel happy again and that included cussing their crush because they hurt me and attending my birthday party even when they have a sick mum at home who had a minor operation two days ago. I was blessed to have friends like them. I know that not everyone has friends. 

Exactly five years ago, on September 18th, one of my best friends took her last breath on her death bed. She tried to kill herself, she was in hospital for around 20 days. She had major burn injuries. She was recovering but something happened and she couldn't take the pain anymore. I still remember every single detail of the day. How I got the terrible news of her suicide attempt and the day when our Chemistry teacher told us in our Morning tution that she couldn't make it. I remember wishing it was a terrible joke or rumor. I remember calling up my other friends and telling her about our dead friend. I remember trying to cry in the shower but I couldn't cry. I didn't cry until the principal started talking about her. I think I cried all day long. 

For a long time, I felt guilty for not telling her how much she meant to me. I felt guilty for not visiting her in the hospital. I felt guilty for not making it to the funeral. I was also amazed how everyone else was "normal" again. As if she never existed in our lives but I think we still did talk about her. We even saw her in our dreams sometimes and we'd talk about it the next day in school. I wonder if anyone still remembers this day. Maybe not. 

I always write about her on this day. I don't know why. I think because she was like a lucky charm for me or may be because when I found about tumor(it was a misdiagnose), she said "hey, you're going to live long. I hope God gives you all of my days". She said that a week before her suicide attempt. She had the most beautiful smile. She was strong and crazy and stupid.

I miss my beautiful friend. Her death did change me and my life. I didn't have my lucky charm and I suddenly started to lose my other friends, got more depressed, performed poorly in exams, argued with family, blamed myself for her death and what not. Like I said in the very beginning of this post, when you're a teenager, every little crisis feels like the end of the world. But this wasn't any little crisis. I lost a friend and she was never coming back. 

I try to save as many lives as I can. I know what depression is, I know what it feels like when you want to die. I want people to know that they are important and that I love them. I make sure that they know that I love them. If you read me, if you think of me, if you've ever made me smile, if you've ever helped me, I love you. Thank you for existing. Please don't kill yourself. Things will get better for you. If it didn't get better, you'll at least have enough strength to deal with it. 

He loves me.

"It's weird when friends get into relationship, no?", I typed out on my phone and sent it to him on whatsapp. It was 12:30 AM here in India and 10 PM in his country. We have two and half hours time difference. I know him since 2009, we have been friends ever since then. I tell him everything and he tells me most of the things that he wants me to know. I can't stand a single minute without talking to him. When we're not talking, he is always in my head. I miss him. I know that he probably doesn't miss me this much or he doesn't like me as much as I like him but it doesn't matter.

He was online so he replied as soon as he saw the text, "Yeah.".

"What would you do if I got into a relationship?"

"I'd be like "We had something special :(" XD. If you gave me some time, I wouldn't mind it. If you ignored me I'd be all :("

"Well, I can only be in relationship if boys like Park exists." I replied, referring to the character Park of the book Eleanor & Park. God, I love Park. Guys like Park need to exists in real life. Rainbow Rowell did a fantastic job with her book. I love it so much.

"And, I can be in a relationship if I change my personality."

"Nah, your personality is fine. I like it." I replied. A second later, I added, "But  we can't date because we fight a lot."

"Fight-zoned :c", he replied.

"Hahaha, omg I just fight-zoned you. xD"

"you will regret it D': xD" before I could reply, he added, "Bbz will u love me 4evr?"

Was it the first time that we were playing along and talking about being together? No it wasn't.

I took a while before typing, "I don't wanna regret, let's date D:"

"Long distance doesn't work.. 0_0" He replied in no time and added, "Maybe when we're 26 and independent, it'll be good"

I wasn't sure if he was serious or playing along, so, I hesitated before replying, "What if it still remains long distance? What if I got married because of some family reasons or something? What if you started dating Jay."

"Nah, don't get married. Runaway.", he replied back and added "Nah doubt it. She has too many options"

"You do too and run where?", I replied.

"Save up and run away to Mumbai then run out of the country" and added, "Nah I don't have"

"You do"

"Really, I am disliked. 0_0"

"No. Liar. Everyone goes like 'omg, he is so cute' when they see you."

"No really. :/ You don't know what it's like.."

"I don't know what?"

"To be me.."

"Every girl from my college who has seen your picture thinks that you are extremely cute."

"Well, just your college :("

"You look great. You need to stop overthinking every time a jerk treats you badly because they are jealous of you."

He didn't reply. I had questions in my head. Was he serious? Does he like me? What was this? Why did we talk about it? I was still waiting for his reply so I could ask him those questions. I needed to know the answers. I thought that maybe his family was around or he was doing something else. So I asked him, "What are you doing? I need to ask you something."

He replied five minutes later. "Yea, ask?"

"Were you joking/just saying about the dating when I said, 'I don't wanna regret, let's date' or was it real?"

"A bit of both."

"Both? How?"

"I really don't know tbh ._."

Damnit. I thought and replied, "So you were just saying."

"Not rly"

"Then?"

"I don't know as I said. 0_0. Were you joking?"

"How can you not know? 0_0  and I asked first 0_0 I need to know or I won't sleep." Well blackmailing always works and it did again.

"I really don't. It was like 65% serious 35% joke. Like.."

"Like?", I replied three minutes later.

Two minutes later, he sent, "I was like it's not like I wouldn't want to date. But if the conditions were favorable then yes. But it's not like 'NOO NEVER'. Get it?"

Nope, I didn't get it. "Okay, yea."

"Cuz we are soooo far away and neither of us are ready. But if we were close and were ready then why not, y'know? Sorry for making it awkward. And close like able to travel.."

"Shit.", I thought. 

Should I ask him, why would he want to date me? I'm an abusive friend and probably be an abusive girlfriend to him. And he knows that he deserves better.

I stared at my phone screen. Watched his status going from "online" to "last seen" and "last seen" to back "online" again. Eight minutes later. It was 1:38 AM now. My head felt heavier. I felt happy and sad both and I didn't know why. I sent, "Why would you date me? Why not other girls? Why me? I'm depressed and paranoid and suicidal.. "

The chat status was now, "typing..". I waited and felt my heart racing. I was ready to be disappointed again but still secretly hoping for him to say something like Park did to Eleanor. God, I was going to cry.

"Because, you're an idiot. And you're beautiful. Inside and out. And I know that you don't believe me but it's true. It sucks that you don't know it. I miss you when we are not talking and I love when we talk or when we skype. I love your eyes and your smile. I wish I could see them, I wish I could see you. I want to hug you and do things together with you. I hate it when you get a crush on jerk guys and when they break your heart. I hate it when your parents are mean to you. I hate it when your filthyhead brother does things to you. I want to kill him for touching you, damaging you. I hate to hurt you. I hate that I can't make you happy. I want you to be happy.. I want you to live. I want to save you. I want to love you... I want you."

I was smiling and I had tears in my eyes. I couldn't believe that he said all of it. It felt beautiful, so fucking beautiful that it hurt. But this pain didn't make me want to kill myself. This pain made me want to live. And for the first time in 4 years, I wanted to live. I questioned myself, "Isn't it what I wanted? Isn't it what I wished for?" And, Yes, it was. 

His chat status was again changing from "last seen" to "online" and "online" to "last seen". I kept rereading the text that he sent. I tried to fathom my words into a sentence but I couldn't. 

At 1:43 AM, I finally replied.

"Listen.."

"Yea?"

"I love you."

":) I love you too"

"I should sleep now. It's late"

"Yea.."

"Good night."

"Good night. :) Sleep well, I'll talk to you tomorrow."

":)"

We humans are the biggest liars and hypocrites when it comes to accepting our feelings. When we try to befriend a person online, we convince ourselves that the person is real but when we start to fall in love with the same person, we start convincing ourselves that it's not real. Nothing about the person, or the feeling is real. 

It hurts

It hurts that you don't know.
It hurts that I've done it again,
And already falling for you every second.
It hurts that you like me
but you don't love me.
It hurts that you like my eyes and smile
but it's not something that makes you happy.
It hurts that I'm thinking about you so much 
these days and you have no idea about it.

"Every night.."

Every night the sadness, 

Overpowers the sanity in her.

She lies paralyzed in the cold bed,

As the sadness carves out a void in her chest.

She says, "Things seem better when I'm not awake."

Someone hug her tight and prove her wrong for God's sake.

After all this time of,  
Wanting to be someone, 
Who mattered, 
Or someone who made, 
A difference in people's lives, 
I've come to the realization that,
I’m not important, 
I do not matter, 
I do not make any difference, 
In anyone's life.
I am not special.

A voice is screaming in her head,

Struggling to break free, 

and get lost in the air.

It's once again, 

hard to figure out,

whether it's pain or fear.

Eyes are tired, 

of holding back the tears,

that've been trapped, 

with all the unhealthy emotions.

Overwhelmed by her own feelings,

She wishes to escape to a place,

and feel numb again.

Digging her nails,

into her own skin,

She's hoping for the physical pain, 

to overcome the emotional pain.

It's starting to get bad again,

She's falling into the darkest hole,

that's been created in her own head.

Untitled

I hope the unhealthy thoughts die, 
as soon as I type them on this paper. 
I'm really sorry, 
but I'm tempted to harm myself again tonight, 
for the things I failed to accomplish.
And I know you are going to stop me,
and tell me I'm perfect ,
but I know it's not true.
The truth is that I'm not okay. 
The truth is that I'm pretty damaged. 
The truth is that I'm easily replaceable, 
and I hate being so. 
When I raise my hand, 
they try to reach for the blades instead of pens. 
They try to paint my arms red with the razor,
when I try to pour myself out on a paper.
Being aware of all the beautiful things in the world,
I'd never choose myself over someone who is better.
But I want you to choose me.
I know that's insane,
but I really want you to choose me.

Not enough.

She is that wounded person,

who has been trying, 

to protect and fix, 

everything for everyone;

because she knows,

how it feels when everything,

falls apart.

But that's not enough.

She is being their warm, 

and safe duvet trying ,

to put everyone back to sleep; 

keeping them from, 

screaming in horror,

while the monsters of the night,

fill the room with,

chilled daunting aura.

But that's not enough.

She holds their hand when,

they decide to start all over again. 

But that's not enough. 

She has been taking, 

their cuts and scratches, 

and sucking up the poison, 

but that's not enough. 

Nothing she does is enough. 

Someone make her stop.

Life is too short to live for, 

someone who doesn't care.

She is running out strength. 

She is running out of hope.

She is running out of love. 

She is running out of air.

She can't do it anymore,

Someone do her a favor,

Give her back her smile,

and bring her back to her life.

I want to forget you.
Erase and white wash,
the darkest corner of my mind,
where you hide.

I want to stop,
writing verses that
follow the traces of
your existence.

I want the scars,
on my arms to fade soon,
so "our good times and bad times"
stop replaying itself,
over and over again.

I want to burn down,
the feelings I had for you,
when I was too foolish,
to think that you cared.

The page still remains blank

Trying to pen down the emotions,
but failing so undeniably.
Starting by capturing one thought,
and sugar coating it with ornamental words.

The page still remains blank.
The head still remains busy fighting, 
the unwanted thoughts.
Eyes get heavier and turn down,
the proposal to compose something beautiful.

Managed to scribble something like a line, 
which fall short to mean anything.
The words are scattered everywhere,
and I can't frame it together. 

The page still remains blank.
Words are sore from being used,
over and over again.
They have switched sides,
and have refused to divulge,
the premonition and apprehension.

After two hours, ten minutes, 
and twelve seconds later,
The page still remains blank.
Seems like it's time to give up the battle.

It's time to put down the pen,

and get up from the chair.

It's time to turn down the lights,

and lie on the cold matres.

It's time to close eyes and, 
let the dreams fill the void.