Love

You’re insane if you love someone more than they love you. 

You’re insane if you are looking for love at the wrong places.
You’re insane if someone loves you but you don’t appreciate it.
You’re insane if you can’t feel anyone’s love for you at all. 
You’re insane if you don’t love anyone at all. 
You’re insane if you think you can’t be loved.
You’re insane if you just love the idea of someone.
You’re insane if you can’t tell whether you really love someone or just the idea of them.
But it’s okay. Love makes us all insane.

I always speak of bad nights. How would you define a bad night? Different people define a "bad night" differently. If you're going somewhere at night and your car breaks down, it's a bad night. If you have certain plans for the night and you have to cancel it for some reason, it's a bad night. If a loved one falls sick, meets an accident or dies, it's a bad night. So a bad incident makes a night, a bad night.

For me, almost every night is a bad night. Tonight is a bad night as well. It's been a while since I had a good night. I don't even remember when did the last good night happened to me. Maybe the last good night happened 8 years ago? I don't know. I don't remember. I have been having trouble falling asleep at night and I hate that the most. I have been thinking about things. Several terrifying things one of which is losing my dad because of his sickness. I cannot tell how many days he has but I really want those days to be more than the days I've lived so far and the days that I'm going to live in the future. I don't want to see a world without him or without my mum. God, I hate growing up. Our parents grow old with us and I think that's the worst part because eventually their existence will come to an end. 

My mum thinks that I do pointless things at night when I don't sleep. She couldn't be more wrong but will she ever understand the things that have been troubling me and what's keeping me awake? Dad's sickness, unwanted responsibility, college, exams, freaking interviews that I have been failing, my own freaking personality that I hate so much. No she won't. 

I've decided that I won't chase happiness anymore because I'm not meant to be happy and loved. I wanted to be happy.. Completely happy and that hasn't happened. I have tried to laugh and smile without feeling empty but that hasn't happened. I want to be loved but that hasn't happened either. I don't think I have chased love before.. and I'm not planning to do it either. I've always loved people more than they have loved me.. so I won't be doing that anymore.

There's a knot in my stomach and a void in my heart.

A storm in my head and words stuck in my throat.

God, I hate myself. I hate my very existence. My very pointless existence. I wish I could present it in a better a way, a beautiful poetic way. I hate every bit of myself, my skin, my bones, every single drop of my blood. Every bit of me that has made me, ME. I want to stop existing because my existence seems pointless to me. I don't see myself anywhere or with anyone. I'm broken and nothing can fix me. I'm beyond repair.  And I wish I could talk about it to a person who is close to me, or who feels right but I can't because they either don't understand it or get really scared. 

Why would you come back?

Why would you come back in her life after 
breaking her down into a thousand pieces?
Why would you want her back and tell her that you care,
if you've still kept the doors of your life shut?
Why would you do this?
She is unmendable and if you hurt her more now,
it will only burn her down to ashes;
And she will be carried away by the strong wind, 
leaving behind, no traces of her existence.
Is that what you want?
But why would you want that?
Why would you come back and hurt her again?

"How do I tell you.."

So, it's another bad night,
But you won't understand.
The absurd thoughts of day, 
Are finally making sense.

Words are more sincere, 
When my loved ones are asleep.
I wish I could explain the way my bones ache, 
A wish to end it all is running in my veins.

How do I tell you that I can't think of anything else?
How do I tell you that I'm so tired of being overwhelmed?
How do I tell you that I'm so tired and I want to sleep?
How do I tell you that I want to sleep but I don't want to wake up?
How do I tell you that I hate having to wake up and go through this again?
How do I tell you that I hate not being able to conceal the sadness of my face?

Do you?

Do you smile or grimace,

when you see my name flashing, 

on your phone screen?

Do you think about me,

as much as I think about you,

when I wake up and fall back asleep?

Do you like my company,

or wish to be left alone,

when things start to fall apart?

Do you find me,

annoying or wonderful when,

I tell you about my day?

Do you miss me,

when we are not talking?

Do you wish we could be something, 
more than what we are now?
Do you wish we lived closer,
so we could know each better?

Untitled

I hope the unhealthy thoughts die, 
as soon as I type them on this paper. 
I'm really sorry, 
but I'm tempted to harm myself again tonight, 
for the things I failed to accomplish.
And I know you are going to stop me,
and tell me I'm perfect ,
but I know it's not true.
The truth is that I'm not okay. 
The truth is that I'm pretty damaged. 
The truth is that I'm easily replaceable, 
and I hate being so. 
When I raise my hand, 
they try to reach for the blades instead of pens. 
They try to paint my arms red with the razor,
when I try to pour myself out on a paper.
Being aware of all the beautiful things in the world,
I'd never choose myself over someone who is better.
But I want you to choose me.
I know that's insane,
but I really want you to choose me.

Not enough.

She is that wounded person,

who has been trying, 

to protect and fix, 

everything for everyone;

because she knows,

how it feels when everything,

falls apart.

But that's not enough.

She is being their warm, 

and safe duvet trying ,

to put everyone back to sleep; 

keeping them from, 

screaming in horror,

while the monsters of the night,

fill the room with,

chilled daunting aura.

But that's not enough.

She holds their hand when,

they decide to start all over again. 

But that's not enough. 

She has been taking, 

their cuts and scratches, 

and sucking up the poison, 

but that's not enough. 

Nothing she does is enough. 

Someone make her stop.

Life is too short to live for, 

someone who doesn't care.

She is running out strength. 

She is running out of hope.

She is running out of love. 

She is running out of air.

She can't do it anymore,

Someone do her a favor,

Give her back her smile,

and bring her back to her life.

Almost

"Wow, you're really paranoid"

Is the only line from last night's 

Conversation that is stuck in her head 

And is repeating itself 

Over and over again.

She almost kicked down her walls;

Almost made herself vulnerable;

Almost forgot her plan;

It's such a shame, 

She almost made it happen.

Those three nights

I've been thinking about,

the last three nights that

I spent with you, singing, smiling

and listening to your lovely voice.

The songs that you sang to me

are still stuck in my head.

I think about it every night

while I lay awake in my bed.

I've caught myself smiling while thinking

about those three nights.

But I'm afraid to tell you,

how beautiful those three nights were.

I'm afraid to tell you,

I won't mind staying up all night

to see your face again.

I'm afraid and that's all.

I want to suppress my feelings 

and try to keep a distance,

so you don't hurt me like everyone else

in any way.

Dammit. I have to keep myself occupied

and forget those three nights.

I feel alive

I feel alive when my head feels heavy
And eyelids heavier.
I feel alive when I am scared to death,
And my lungs are fighting to get some air.

Skin.

Too dark, too thick

Too rough, too soft,

Too short, too chubby,

Too curvy and too ugly.

"Don't change yourself, you're beautiful" you say,

Then you go behind my back and laugh at appearance with them.

"Don't let the world bring you down" you say,

Then you go dig a hole and push me into it.

How do I forget all those labels?

How do I forget being visibly invisible?

How do I get it out of my system?

You words go deeper than you think.

Who are you to tell me how to wear my skin?

It's not yours, It's mine;

And your words cut it open and make me bleed.

Why can't you simply understand?

All I wanna do is feel comfortable in my skin.

Why do people find it okay to make fun of overweight people? Why do you have to give them labels? Why can't you just freaking call them by their names? Why "fatso", "fatty", "plumpy", "hippo" and "elephant"? If I am not someone who tops in every exam, I am just an ugly fatso according to most of the people. This is not what I wanted. I'm typing this out for the third time on my blog. You know I wanted to be this smart confident person but certain things bring me down and pull me back into the hopelessly exhausting bitter aura. How do you see the light when you are blinded by the darkness? I cannot feel comfortable in my own skin because people make it impossible to feel so.. 

Do I call you a match stick for being too thin? Do I make fun of you for being a guy with a really high pitched voice? Do I say things and make you feel ugly or unwanted? Do I make a comment about the dark color of your skin or the huge forehead that makes you look bald? Do I say anything about your height or acnes that you have on your face. To be honest I have honestly never seen an overweight person to make fun of someone else's physical appearance. Well at least I haven't done that and I won't ever do that. Because I am far better than that. I don't ever focus on what someone is wearing, what their hair looks like or what they look like? 

My life will honestly get 10 times better if people stopped calling me fat. I HAVE A BLOODY NAME. Why can you call me by name? I know that people from my college read my blog too but I wish my classmates and people I call my "friends" could read this as well. I'm sick of it. It makes me think too much and all that runs in my mind is the names that you give me. It makes me feel so weak, so pathetic and so worthless that it makes me want to die. I cannot forgive or forget anymore. I almost cried when I typed it out. I just want to disappear and I don't want to see anyone ever again. I feel helpless. And nothing can make me feel better.

The problem with me

The problem with me is that

I keep asking too many questions,

And I keep looking for the reasons.

"Don't you know that I miss you?"

"Why did you leave me?"

"Why did you stop talking to me?"

"Why did you choose someone else over me?"

"What was it?"

"Was it something that I did?"

Or may be the problem with me is that

I blame it all on myself.

"I am too ugly."

"I am too clingy."

"I care too much."

"I am so annoying."

No wait,

May be the problem with me is that

I still think you care.

I still think you're a nice person

I still think you miss me.

I still think those words cannot be a lie.

And those actions cannot be just pretense.

You must have felt something inside your heart, at least once?

What am I saying?

It cannot be that.

No, not at all.

The only problem with me is that,

I just expect too much.

I don't know where to start from. Life is so weird. Life is dominating. You have to keep your ego aside and do what life wants you to do. Things change, people leave and memories fade away. There's no doubt that I'm stressed and depressed and no matter how much I try to hide, it's still there on my face. I don't know why I want almost everything perfect. I don't know why I fear failure so much. I don't know why I love my parents so much. I don't know why I step back from doing things that I want to just because it'll hurt my parents.

I'm 20 now, why can't I make my own decisions? Why do I need to think about them? I want to break free. I'm so different from my parents. It makes me wonder if I was adopted or something. It's not the first time that these kind of thoughts are crossing my mind. I wonder if I'll ever be happy. I hope it's not too late by then.

I'm in my 3rd year of engineering and have I really enjoyed my college life or did something really crazy or something that's worth remembering? No, I haven't yet. I hope, I do soon.

If I'm not going to live my dreams then I want to live at least one day on my own.. like I really really want to be happy without being worried about anything. No phone calls, no texts, no rush of going back home. Nothing. Just me and the things I want to enjoy.

Well if you're going to continue reading this post then I'm really sorry, this will get random and really long. I haven't talked to a lot of my close friends in a while. I tried to talk to some but they don't even have time to reply. May be they have more important things to do. I'm constantly being ignored by the people I care about the most. People say, never be in a friendship(or any other kind of relationship) that hurts and that makes you feel bad about yourself. But what do you do when it's the friendship that also gives you the strength to fight against the odds? I was in one such dilemma for a long time and I chose the friend, I chose our friendship.

I kind of realized that I do make a couple of people happy even though they live miles away from where I live. Well I'm not sure if I do because they could be just saying it but I still hope that I do and they really mean it when they say it.. I fall in love with words, pictures, things and people easily but I also hate them and that's probably my biggest issue.

I'm not a good looking person. Of course I do look good in my "selfies" but trust me you would hate me if you saw me in person. Now, that pretty much gives you the idea that I hate my appearance. Yes, I do. I have hated it since I was 10 but I started hating it more after I turned 16, when one of my "best friends" was too ashamed to host the Teachers' day event with me. You know, it doesn't matter what the entire world thinks about you but it matters when your friend or parents are ashamed of your appearance or call you "fat" or give you any other kind of names. It's been almost 4 years but that thing still stings. Aparently, that thing never stopped. I forgave them. School ended. Best friends left. We are now in college and we have new friends but even these friends do the same thing. It kind of sucks more when unexpected people/friends do so but you really can't react or tell them that you felt bad because they are not wrong. You are ugly, you are fat and you are insecure.

If you're fat, people will definitely pass a comment on you while you eat.

"Stop eating fatty, you'll explode"

"Hey fatty, don't eat the whole thing, leave something for other people"

"I think the entire cafeteria's food will be less for you"

It's basically like, if you're fat and you're eating in public, it's a sin.. well not just that actually, 'cause even if you don't eat, people will say something again-

"Are you on diet or something? If yes then it's good. You should lose some weight and may be then someone will love you"

And when you react to such comment by leaving or staying quiet or frowning.. the reaction you will get is,

"Hey, don't get mad. I even call my sister 'fat' and she is not fat actually. I call everyone 'fat'"

"Don't be mad at me, please? I consider you a very good friend that's why I mess around with you.."

There was a time when I was so overly depressed with these comments that I started skipping my meals and also my favorite food for months. I don't remember. I still get these comments more than once in my day.. It sucks when "fatty" or "fatso" becomes your new name. I try to overlook and forget it but I can't completely. I do want it to affect me sometimes so that I start skipping meals again.

I know a lot of people will read this. Even people from my college but not my friends and no one will ever know how it feels. How much it makes me hate myself more.

I think, I sort of started liking myself a bit when I met this guy in a public bus who liked me the way I was. I haven't seen him in a while. It's been more than a month. I don't want to befriend him or maybe I do but he seems like a buttonhead jerk to me so nah. But I do miss seeing him. 

I actually wanted to write about a lot of other things but now it's just something that idek.

Can I stand close to death?

You won't like to know what I think,

You won't like to know what's inside,

You won't like to know the stories behind the scars, 

You won't like to know what I wish on the shooting stars.

Brutally and slowly, the sadness and emptiness is consuming me,

I'm so good at hiding it that no one can see.

People love you only if you're pretty or dying;

I know I can never ever be pretty.

Can I stand close to death?

And have my share of love and care?

"There's someone.."

I know you've been hurt,
burned and scared.
I know it's hard to breathe,
and see her fine,
while you're trying not to end your life.
There's someone who wants to make it all better.
For a while, just close your beautiful blue-gray eyes,
Let the tears roll down your pale cheeks,
Block the destructive thoughts,
Tell your soul, "It's not over yet".
There's someone who is hurting to see you hurt.
Quit calling yourself a coward,
Crying a little won't make you any smaller,
Living with the pain only makes you stronger.
Scream and let the pain leave your sunken chest.
There's someone who still cares despite the distance.
Let them in, 
Let them take away the pain.
Trust me, it'll all be worth it in the end.

Another life lost in vain?

Sometimes when things go hazy,

Or the world looks sane and I look crazy.

I need someone 

to talk me out of the blue.

Sometimes at night like this when everyone's asleep,

and the wound is too deep 

I need someone to keep me from doing the sad little things

I've been planning to do.

I don't know my strengths,

but I know that I can let my weaknesses to end the pain

in the most horrific way and

For some, it'll just be another life lost in vain.

There he is,

Looking outta window, embracing the healing breeze.

This time, I think life is going to win,

'cause he is letting the breeze poke through his skin.

Making him feel blessed for a while,

It gave him life and a reason to smile.

The window seat did it's magic again,

Showed him, life isn't all about pain.

I hope that smile stays on his face,

And he gets all the good things, he's been trying to chase.

Pages from her diary

"Sometimes it's so hard to gather all the words that are scattered everywhere inside you. They say, if you need help, talk to someone you trust. The people you trust, take you for granted. They believe that you're gonna stay. They believe that things are not that bad for you. They believe that you're not that sad. They believe that you'll figure out a way just like they did. But they don't know. They don't know and they don't understand that every one is not the same person. Every person has different insecurities and fears. Every person has different sorts of reasons that cause the pain. And right now, I'm starting to believe that I should kill myself so that people can see how sad I am, how much it hurts, how much I hate myself and how difficult this is for me."

"..what's real and what's fake.."

Tangled in cluster of loud thoughts,

Too perplexed to figure anything out.

How can you tell, what's real and what's fake,

When every memory is on the stake?

Finding a way to clear my head,

Keeping myself numb so that I don't cry myself to bed.

For a moment every relation was in my hand,

I tried to hold them but it slipped away like the sand.

I let the world to stab me even when I was awake,

It's not their fault, it's entirely my mistake.

"Taken for granted",

-is something that no one ever has wanted.

 Let's be precise,

In this world of disguise,

How can you tell, what's real and what's fake,

When every every memory is on the stake?

You're not insane,

You're just a little sad.

You're not lazy,

You're just a little lonely.

You're not dead,

You're just a little numb.

You don't want to die,

You just want to be loved.

Yesterday was bad,

But it doesn't matter,

'cause you're alright,

Even after knowing,

Today's going to be worse.