I don't know where to start from. Life is so weird. Life is dominating. You have to keep your ego aside and do what life wants you to do. Things change, people leave and memories fade away. There's no doubt that I'm stressed and depressed and no matter how much I try to hide, it's still there on my face. I don't know why I want almost everything perfect. I don't know why I fear failure so much. I don't know why I love my parents so much. I don't know why I step back from doing things that I want to just because it'll hurt my parents.

I'm 20 now, why can't I make my own decisions? Why do I need to think about them? I want to break free. I'm so different from my parents. It makes me wonder if I was adopted or something. It's not the first time that these kind of thoughts are crossing my mind. I wonder if I'll ever be happy. I hope it's not too late by then.

I'm in my 3rd year of engineering and have I really enjoyed my college life or did something really crazy or something that's worth remembering? No, I haven't yet. I hope, I do soon.

If I'm not going to live my dreams then I want to live at least one day on my own.. like I really really want to be happy without being worried about anything. No phone calls, no texts, no rush of going back home. Nothing. Just me and the things I want to enjoy.

Well if you're going to continue reading this post then I'm really sorry, this will get random and really long. I haven't talked to a lot of my close friends in a while. I tried to talk to some but they don't even have time to reply. May be they have more important things to do. I'm constantly being ignored by the people I care about the most. People say, never be in a friendship(or any other kind of relationship) that hurts and that makes you feel bad about yourself. But what do you do when it's the friendship that also gives you the strength to fight against the odds? I was in one such dilemma for a long time and I chose the friend, I chose our friendship.

I kind of realized that I do make a couple of people happy even though they live miles away from where I live. Well I'm not sure if I do because they could be just saying it but I still hope that I do and they really mean it when they say it.. I fall in love with words, pictures, things and people easily but I also hate them and that's probably my biggest issue.

I'm not a good looking person. Of course I do look good in my "selfies" but trust me you would hate me if you saw me in person. Now, that pretty much gives you the idea that I hate my appearance. Yes, I do. I have hated it since I was 10 but I started hating it more after I turned 16, when one of my "best friends" was too ashamed to host the Teachers' day event with me. You know, it doesn't matter what the entire world thinks about you but it matters when your friend or parents are ashamed of your appearance or call you "fat" or give you any other kind of names. It's been almost 4 years but that thing still stings. Aparently, that thing never stopped. I forgave them. School ended. Best friends left. We are now in college and we have new friends but even these friends do the same thing. It kind of sucks more when unexpected people/friends do so but you really can't react or tell them that you felt bad because they are not wrong. You are ugly, you are fat and you are insecure.

If you're fat, people will definitely pass a comment on you while you eat.

"Stop eating fatty, you'll explode"

"Hey fatty, don't eat the whole thing, leave something for other people"

"I think the entire cafeteria's food will be less for you"

It's basically like, if you're fat and you're eating in public, it's a sin.. well not just that actually, 'cause even if you don't eat, people will say something again-

"Are you on diet or something? If yes then it's good. You should lose some weight and may be then someone will love you"

And when you react to such comment by leaving or staying quiet or frowning.. the reaction you will get is,

"Hey, don't get mad. I even call my sister 'fat' and she is not fat actually. I call everyone 'fat'"

"Don't be mad at me, please? I consider you a very good friend that's why I mess around with you.."

There was a time when I was so overly depressed with these comments that I started skipping my meals and also my favorite food for months. I don't remember. I still get these comments more than once in my day.. It sucks when "fatty" or "fatso" becomes your new name. I try to overlook and forget it but I can't completely. I do want it to affect me sometimes so that I start skipping meals again.

I know a lot of people will read this. Even people from my college but not my friends and no one will ever know how it feels. How much it makes me hate myself more.

I think, I sort of started liking myself a bit when I met this guy in a public bus who liked me the way I was. I haven't seen him in a while. It's been more than a month. I don't want to befriend him or maybe I do but he seems like a buttonhead jerk to me so nah. But I do miss seeing him. 

I actually wanted to write about a lot of other things but now it's just something that idek.

Just can't speak my feeling out,

Hundreds of stuffs I still doubt

My existence a mere mystery

sleepless nights and silly fights,

has been a part of my life.

Never thought this would happen,

No tears to hide, no courage, no pride.

Distance creating differences

between us;

empty promises and empty heart

falsifying dreams tearing us apart..

"..pages from my dairy.."

6 April 2011


15th day in hostel and I cried few hours back. Not because I miss home or my family. This place is more like home. Uncle and Aunty are really sweet. And Srishti, Anubha and Divya treat me like their little sister. Actually I cried because it's been more than 3 days and Saket is neither replying to my texts nor to my phone calls. I am worried and I feel like may be he or his family has got into some sort of trouble. I cried because I feel like may be he is alone. I hope he is fine and I hope to see him soon.

P.S. Its a sheduled post. I wrote this in my hostel 

"..nightmare.."

A nightmare haunting my mind,

Waiting for your call and being blind.

I cried a silent tear, 

for this weird fear.

I know you are in trouble,

May be you need me,

But my lips tremble.

I'll hurt you more,

and make your heart sour,

One day you'll know,

that I care,

You will miss me,

But I won't be here..

"..you won't understand.."

It's not that easy as it seems,

Reality is hundred times bitter than dreams,

Thought of loosing someone close to heart,

and the one who has a vital part,

is worse than a nightmare.

I don't really show that I care,

but trust me, only I can understand that pain better.

"..I miss you more.."

Its been a while since I have cried,

and I've lied,

again that I am fine,

Finally I've found the perfect line.

No enmity,

and a weird sanity in me,

Silence and distance assassinating soul,

More weird to see me, trying to discover a prior role,

Not alone anymore but still I miss you more,

Enchanting memories and primitive theories,

playing with my mind every now and then,

Now I wanna fall asleep and never wake up again.

P.S. Its a sheduled post. I wrote this poem a while back in hostel when I was missing Saket. I even cried and no that fool doesn't know that I cried for him! *sigh*