I think about it a lot.

I think about the endings a lot. End of my existence to be specific. I wonder how things will be when I’m gone. How will they find it out? What will be their reaction? Who is going to cry the most? Who is going to regret the most? Are they going to remember me? How long will it take for my memories to fade away from their lives? What is their favorite memory with me? What will they miss the most about me? Will they miss me at all? Will they refer to me as the girl who was funny? Or someone who loved ice cream? Or the girl whose bluetooth device name was pizza? Or will they remember me as the girl who always looked sad but laughed till her stomach hurt? Will they remember me as the smart chick with nerdy glasses who got the highest marks in the class? Or as the girl who used to be short, chubby and not pretty at all? Will they remember me as the girl who loved to take photographs? What will they do or think about me after finding out about the suicide? Will there be rumors at my college? What will be the different theories for my suicide? Will the people I call friends, understand this? Will they forgive me? Will they regret not being able to help me?

He loves me.

"It's weird when friends get into relationship, no?", I typed out on my phone and sent it to him on whatsapp. It was 12:30 AM here in India and 10 PM in his country. We have two and half hours time difference. I know him since 2009, we have been friends ever since then. I tell him everything and he tells me most of the things that he wants me to know. I can't stand a single minute without talking to him. When we're not talking, he is always in my head. I miss him. I know that he probably doesn't miss me this much or he doesn't like me as much as I like him but it doesn't matter.

He was online so he replied as soon as he saw the text, "Yeah.".

"What would you do if I got into a relationship?"

"I'd be like "We had something special :(" XD. If you gave me some time, I wouldn't mind it. If you ignored me I'd be all :("

"Well, I can only be in relationship if boys like Park exists." I replied, referring to the character Park of the book Eleanor & Park. God, I love Park. Guys like Park need to exists in real life. Rainbow Rowell did a fantastic job with her book. I love it so much.

"And, I can be in a relationship if I change my personality."

"Nah, your personality is fine. I like it." I replied. A second later, I added, "But  we can't date because we fight a lot."

"Fight-zoned :c", he replied.

"Hahaha, omg I just fight-zoned you. xD"

"you will regret it D': xD" before I could reply, he added, "Bbz will u love me 4evr?"

Was it the first time that we were playing along and talking about being together? No it wasn't.

I took a while before typing, "I don't wanna regret, let's date D:"

"Long distance doesn't work.. 0_0" He replied in no time and added, "Maybe when we're 26 and independent, it'll be good"

I wasn't sure if he was serious or playing along, so, I hesitated before replying, "What if it still remains long distance? What if I got married because of some family reasons or something? What if you started dating Jay."

"Nah, don't get married. Runaway.", he replied back and added "Nah doubt it. She has too many options"

"You do too and run where?", I replied.

"Save up and run away to Mumbai then run out of the country" and added, "Nah I don't have"

"You do"

"Really, I am disliked. 0_0"

"No. Liar. Everyone goes like 'omg, he is so cute' when they see you."

"No really. :/ You don't know what it's like.."

"I don't know what?"

"To be me.."

"Every girl from my college who has seen your picture thinks that you are extremely cute."

"Well, just your college :("

"You look great. You need to stop overthinking every time a jerk treats you badly because they are jealous of you."

He didn't reply. I had questions in my head. Was he serious? Does he like me? What was this? Why did we talk about it? I was still waiting for his reply so I could ask him those questions. I needed to know the answers. I thought that maybe his family was around or he was doing something else. So I asked him, "What are you doing? I need to ask you something."

He replied five minutes later. "Yea, ask?"

"Were you joking/just saying about the dating when I said, 'I don't wanna regret, let's date' or was it real?"

"A bit of both."

"Both? How?"

"I really don't know tbh ._."

Damnit. I thought and replied, "So you were just saying."

"Not rly"

"Then?"

"I don't know as I said. 0_0. Were you joking?"

"How can you not know? 0_0  and I asked first 0_0 I need to know or I won't sleep." Well blackmailing always works and it did again.

"I really don't. It was like 65% serious 35% joke. Like.."

"Like?", I replied three minutes later.

Two minutes later, he sent, "I was like it's not like I wouldn't want to date. But if the conditions were favorable then yes. But it's not like 'NOO NEVER'. Get it?"

Nope, I didn't get it. "Okay, yea."

"Cuz we are soooo far away and neither of us are ready. But if we were close and were ready then why not, y'know? Sorry for making it awkward. And close like able to travel.."

"Shit.", I thought. 

Should I ask him, why would he want to date me? I'm an abusive friend and probably be an abusive girlfriend to him. And he knows that he deserves better.

I stared at my phone screen. Watched his status going from "online" to "last seen" and "last seen" to back "online" again. Eight minutes later. It was 1:38 AM now. My head felt heavier. I felt happy and sad both and I didn't know why. I sent, "Why would you date me? Why not other girls? Why me? I'm depressed and paranoid and suicidal.. "

The chat status was now, "typing..". I waited and felt my heart racing. I was ready to be disappointed again but still secretly hoping for him to say something like Park did to Eleanor. God, I was going to cry.

"Because, you're an idiot. And you're beautiful. Inside and out. And I know that you don't believe me but it's true. It sucks that you don't know it. I miss you when we are not talking and I love when we talk or when we skype. I love your eyes and your smile. I wish I could see them, I wish I could see you. I want to hug you and do things together with you. I hate it when you get a crush on jerk guys and when they break your heart. I hate it when your parents are mean to you. I hate it when your filthyhead brother does things to you. I want to kill him for touching you, damaging you. I hate to hurt you. I hate that I can't make you happy. I want you to be happy.. I want you to live. I want to save you. I want to love you... I want you."

I was smiling and I had tears in my eyes. I couldn't believe that he said all of it. It felt beautiful, so fucking beautiful that it hurt. But this pain didn't make me want to kill myself. This pain made me want to live. And for the first time in 4 years, I wanted to live. I questioned myself, "Isn't it what I wanted? Isn't it what I wished for?" And, Yes, it was. 

His chat status was again changing from "last seen" to "online" and "online" to "last seen". I kept rereading the text that he sent. I tried to fathom my words into a sentence but I couldn't. 

At 1:43 AM, I finally replied.

"Listen.."

"Yea?"

"I love you."

":) I love you too"

"I should sleep now. It's late"

"Yea.."

"Good night."

"Good night. :) Sleep well, I'll talk to you tomorrow."

":)"

Left like nothing ever existed

You told me that 
you'd help,
but you walked away.
You told me that 
you cared,
but you didn't even 
look my way.
You told me that 
you'd be there,
But you weren't.
You told me that 
you'd be a friend,
but abandoned.
You told me that 
you'd never leave
but you did.
You told me that 
you weren't the same
but you were.
You did everything 
that you told me,
you wouldn't do.
And you were everything 
that you told me,
you were not.

You lied,
You stole my secrets.
You made me believe 
That you were different
And left 
Like nothing 
Ever existed.

What I don't want

I don't want another "No"

I don't want another,

"I don't want to talk to you"

I don't want another,

"You are too nice"

I don't want another,

"You are too sweet"

I don't want another,

"You are too far away"

But this is exactly what I don't want.

It's another "You are too far away"

It's another "You are too sweet"

It's another "You are too nice"

It's another "I don't want to talk to you"

Yes, it's just another "No"

Last Notes!

Letter #1

Dear Mum and Dad,

I’m sorry I am dead. I’m sorry I couldn’t make you happy and proud before dying. Today when you left, I found out your son has been filming me secretly. I don’t know for how long he had been doing that. I found five videos of me sleeping, on his laptop. He may have also filmed me while I was changing my clothes. I couldn't find more videos. His laptop’s camera was on and it was facing my bed when I decided to check his laptop to see if he was spying on me again and yes he was. He has done that before too. He had taken my half naked pictures before. I wish you had done something when I told you that he used to grope me in my sleep. That happened for a year and now this. I don’t know what to do. I don't even feel like a person anymore. I just feel like a cheap sex toy. First molestation, then taking my inappropriate pictures and now secretly filming me while I sleep. The only thing that is left is finding those pictures and videos on the internet in a porn site. I know, you love your son but he makes me sick. I was thinking of forgiving him and moving on but I cannot. I cannot live in the same room with him. I deleted the videos. I think he has more of it but I can’t find them. He has given me a wound that doesn't heal and a scar that's gonna remain forever if I stayed alive. I’m sorry that this is all in English but I suck at speaking/writing Hindi. I love you both a lot. Please know that. And I’m sorry I’m being selfish but I want to bleed out right now.

------------------------------------------------

Letter #2

Dear Diyanah,

I hope you're alright babe. I hope you get enough strength to face the problems. I hope you find someone who gives you unconditional love. Someone who makes you feel beautiful. I don't have much to say. Thanks for being there for me and listening to all of my rants. I'm sorry I'm leaving. I still remember the last words that you said to me. You are beautiful and you deserve better. I want you to get better and live. I love you. 

--------------------------------------------------

Letter #3

Dear Marko,

There's this huge conversation gap between us and I didn't get enough time to fix it. I actually felt tired all the time and I couldn't do that. I caused you a lot of troubles when we were closer. I hope you get to move out and live your dreams. I'm probably dead by now. Please don't do this to yourself as well, okay? It will get better. Take care of Raed and yourself of course. I love you. 

---------------------------------------------------

Letter #4

Dear Tony,

I'm sorry about my messy head. I never got a chance to apologize nicely. You are a great person. You did make an impact in my life. And dude, for one last time, I need you to know that I'm not in parasocial relationship with you. I did have a crush on you but I don't even think about you anymore. More than being your lover, I wanted to be your friend. Thanks for making me feel better in my bad days. I hope you find love. Don't kill yourself. I love you.

-----------------------------------------------------

Letter #5

Dear Juan,

Goddammit you said you'd post a new selfie! You haven't yet. And now I'm dead. Bummer. I'm pretty sure you're a 50 year old man! :O Nah, just Kidding. I am sorry I didn't tell you a lot of things. I didn't want to scare you away I guess. Apparently, I'm one of those suicidal freaks, huh? Miss me, Juan. I love you. Fix your sleeping schedule mister! xD

-------------------------------------------------------

Letter #6

Dear Meraz,

Sorry. I should have told you. I don't know what greatness you see in me. I'm thankful for having a friend like you. Thanks for saving me. Thanks for being there. I don't want to saved this time. I'm ending this. I love you. I hope you have a great life. I hope you get to marry the girl you love. She's so lucky to have you. Tell her, I love her too.

-------------------------------------------------

Letter #7

Dear Sunakshi di, Aditi, Adeeba, Ayushi, Laddoo and Nida,

I miss talking to you guys but I don't really come forward and talk to you because I really cannot and I don't know what to say anymore. You guys have always been there to support me. You all are such strong women. I cannot thank you all enough. I think you'd understand why I did this. I love you guys. Hope you all have great lives.

---------------------------------------------------

Letter #8

Dear Minhaz,

I didn't think we'd turn into such good friends. Well I really hope you did think of me as a good friend and you weren't using me. It felt good to know that someone cared. Miss me, Minhaj. Miss me. You're an awesome person. Stay that way. I guess you and others from the class now know the reason that has kept me sad. And why I didn't care about what my brother did. Good luck for the upcoming exams. Love ya and others.

-----------------------------------------------------

Letter #9

Dear Sir,

You know who you are and that's why I'm not mentioning your name. I'm not sure if you'd like it or not and that's why I'm not mentioning it here. It's always been great talking to you. I love how we could talk for hours about anything and everything. From college rantings to pursuing our dreams. I never told you about my problems but you somehow managed to drift my mind and also showed me the right path. I guess I am not going to be a writer and you won't be clicking my picture since I'm ending my journey before even starting it. I have respected you a lot. You are a great person and only a few people realize that. I hope you get live your dreams. Please take care of yourself.

----------------------------------------------------------

Letter #10

Dear Jesse,

Ah dude, we just started talking again this is how it is ending. Damn, we couldn't even skype. I know you have a hard life too. I hope it becomes a little easier. I really don't have a lot to say. We kind of have similar views on life and other things. I'm glad to meet and know someone like you before dying. You are the last person to make me feel so happy. Thanks for that. May be we'll meet in another life and do all the things that we planned to do in this life.  BYE AMERICAN BEST FRIEND. I LOVE YOU.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Letter #11

Dear Abhishek dada,

Uh I screwed it up huh. I have been feeling terribly since the day I called out on you on my blog. You did know what he did to me and that's when you told me that you'd be my brother and protect me. I do respect you a lot and I love you a lot. I just screw it up sometimes. I wish we talked more. You are a great brother and an amazing kind human. I hope you become super successful in life. Thanks for making me happy dada. Wish I could meet you and have the "real" and good sibling experience. And like I promised you long ago, I would have bought you a watch.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Letter #12

Dear Raed,

Don't frown or get pissed off because I wrote your letter last. Dude, I was trying to save the best for the last. I talk to you so much and it's still not enough for me. And wish you could just see how hard it is for me. One of the saddest thing in my life is that you don't understand me or life. I don't tell people anything about my anxiety or depression and bad life and they think I overreact. I tell you everything and you think just like them. I don't take depression as an excuse for my actions but you were supposed to understand. I know you will probably think that I overreacted and exaggerated this. And suicide is a terrible excuse for what my brother did to me. But it's not just that. You are supposed to know that DAMMIT! You were supposed to give me strength rather than calling me weak and coward. I won't be troubling you anymore. Yay Shgt is dying!

-------------------------------------------------------------

Letter #13

Dear Everyone else,

Thank you so much if you have ever made me smile or have just stayed in my life while I was going through bad phase. Thanks a lot. Thanks for being there for me and supporting me. Thanks for making me feel loved. You all are great. I hope you guys get to see happy days. Forgive me for all the lame, pathetic stuffs I did. I love you guys a lot. I really do.

---------------------------------------------------------------

P.S. I'm alive. I'm not dead. Sorry for giving you a minor  heart attack there. I started typing this out with an intention to post it on my blog as a suicide note. I was going to kill myself. I had a good opportunity since my parents were out of town and I was alone and my brother wasn't here either. I don't regret typing it out and posting it on my blog because it just made me feel a little better and hopefully I won't die tonight. I was definitely trying to kill myself by making deeper cuts on my skin. But none of them were deep enough to bleed me out. I'm also sorry for mentioning/not mentioning your names. Please don't try to help me by asking a social worker or psychiatrist to see/read this. Things will get better. I know that. If you know me in person then don't give me "I'm sorry, Shriti" look. Also try not to ever mention this at college or to anyone who hasn't read it yet.

You're the one who killed me.

Don’t you dare talk to me,
Don’t you dare shout at me,
Don’t you dare touch me again.
Once again, after all this time..
Don’t you dare make me feel worthless,
Don’t you dare act like you’re a superior being.
I wanna slit open my wrist,
And write on the walls of your room with my dripping blood
till I lose my consciousness.
Write about what a terrible person you are,
And how I've died a thousand before
Just because of the way you’ve treated me.
Mention all the names you've given me,
Mention how you undressed me with your obnoxious eyes,
Mention how you invaded and ruined my life 
with your vile intention when I was busy dreaming..
Just so the world can know,
I didn't kill myself,
You’re the one who killed me.

Past.

I walk with my past.

It's always there behind my back,

Or by my side.

Always there looking for a chance;

A Chance to pull me back,

And trap me in the blinding memories of bad days.

"I'm torn.."

I'm torn, 
between the thoughts, 
of letting go 
and holding on for a little longer.
I'm torn, 
between the thoughts 
of going with the flow  
and starting it all over again.
I'm torn,
between the thoughts
of dying
and staying alive.
I'm torn, 
between the dreams 
where I find death scary
and the reality where I don't wanna live.
I'm torn,
between the person
people think I am
and the person I really am.

Everyday.

Everyday I scream,

And struggle to make sure, no one hears that noise in my voice.

Everyday I smile,

And struggle to make sure, no one sees the pain behind it.

Everyday I keep myself busy,

And struggle to make sure, no thought clogs my life.

Everyday I run outta' things to keep myself numb,

And struggle to fall asleep even when it's 3 A.M.

Everyday I try to figure out what's wrong with me,

And struggle to make myself believe that everything happens for a reason.

Self Destruction.

"Take it slow and let it go"

And that's how you go with the flow.

But what if you lose a part of yourself,

And start to feel like an empty book shelf?

Everything I see is black and white,

And yet the brightest corner is out of my sight.

I still want to be gone forever,

And give up on my greatest endeavor.

Everything is worthless,

My head is certainly a scary place.

May be you don't know but when you're under demon's claw,

It makes you see your greatest flaw.

I'm addicted to self destruction,

Because I can never get self satisfaction.

"..what's real and what's fake.."

Tangled in cluster of loud thoughts,

Too perplexed to figure anything out.

How can you tell, what's real and what's fake,

When every memory is on the stake?

Finding a way to clear my head,

Keeping myself numb so that I don't cry myself to bed.

For a moment every relation was in my hand,

I tried to hold them but it slipped away like the sand.

I let the world to stab me even when I was awake,

It's not their fault, it's entirely my mistake.

"Taken for granted",

-is something that no one ever has wanted.

 Let's be precise,

In this world of disguise,

How can you tell, what's real and what's fake,

When every every memory is on the stake?

Birthday update! o_o

Caution: Long post ahead! 

Wheeeeeee O_O Guess whose day went surprisingly awesome? :o Well, I am gonna post everything about it. I told someone about it, yesterday and I hope he wasn't annoyed. So let's start from the beginning. 

Like I had mentioned, people on twitter were already talking about my birthday and so was I! As the clock striked 12, My mention tab started to flood. Then, I got a phone call. It was from Sunakshi di. I talked to her for the first time. She wished me birthday and we talked a bit. Later, Nida, Abhishek dada, Noreen, Vikas, Ankit, Baburao, Chindi chor, Farji Engineer, Mahan Vyakti(sorry I don't remember their real name o_o) Shravan, and Amey and everyone else on twitter wished me. Amey called me up too. And yes, I talked to him for the first time over the phone! :P Haha, awkward but sweet.

Umm, my inbox and twitter mention both started flooding but my facebook was still dead sadly. I didn't know how my day was going to be or anything. But I felt happy and loved at that moment. I was constantly talking to one person at that time. And I was actually arguing. But we got over it soon. The mentions, the phone calls, whatsapp chat and everything was pleasing. And, of course, it's priceless when you ask someone to do something special and they do it. xD

I fell asleep around 1:40 AM and woke up around 5:30 AM. I checked my phone. I had an unread text from someone. When I saw the number, I knew who it was. It was Marko. Although, I was sleepy, I almost got tears but I felt good.. It was special. He was my best friend once. I couldn't fall asleep after that so I laid there awake. Around 7 am I got up and started to get ready. And at the same time mum woke up and came to my room. I was getting ready. She looked at my dress and she was like "It's 7th right? Your birthday is tomorrow, no?" I was a lil annoyed so I said, "yeah.." Then she checked her phone and calendar and she came running and hugged and apologized and wished me birthday haha. The she rushed towards her room to tell dad about it. After few mins, I heard my dad asking someone to get a chocolate cake with "Happy Birthday Lovely" written on it.

Now, while waiting for the college bus downstairs, I kept getting birthday wishes on my phone. Then when the bus came and as I stepped inside, I heard my college mates saying "HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHRITI" and I smiled and giggled and said "Thank you ^_^" Then one by one my juniors started wishing me, it was sweet. c":

On my way to college, I couldn't help but smile thinking of all the wishes.. :o Then, when I reached college and went to my department building and entered my classroom, one girl was like "Hey look!" And they all looked at me and she complimented me and everyone else smiled. Since none of them were aware of it, we were  studying and discussing about the test! Then Nutan walked in and wished me. Krishna who was standing next to me was like, "DAMMIT SHRITI! YOU SAID IT'S ON 9TH" I giggled.

Others wished me one by one and the girl who had complimented me, hugged me tight. And then, Krishna wished me and was like "Hey, we cannot hug each other but happy birthday!" and shook hands and we both laughed. o_o

During the test. Well we got the questions changed since we had studied the wrong unit 'cause of a misprinting! :P It went okay-ish. Then we had our photo session. I decided to go to chemical stream's class. There, another girl told me that I was looking good in the new dress. So I told her that it's 'cause of my birthday. And everyone else in the class heard that and they started singing the birthday song for me! o_o I giggled again (I know, I giggle a lot) and then we were taken to a lab for making a new video. It was boring and annoying. I even got a lil angry! 

When it was done, we all were heading towards the class and when we reached class, Krishna told me that he was hungry and so were the other guys so I offered him my lunch box. Other guys joined him as well and then one guy was like, "Hey it's her birthday, did you wish her?" I turned around and it was Shubham!!! And I was like "Omg you!" and then he grabbed neck from behind like he always does and then he side hugged me tightly and I was like "AAAH NO STOP!" And then he wished and said, "I was looking for you and I even called you a couple of times! Where's your phone? Ah, forget it! Where's my party?" and a lot of stuffs like that. He wants me to take him to KFC on 10th. I am glad that he hung out with me for a while. I never thought he would. Shubham is the only person who keeps arguing with me. We both love to hate each other. 

Soon when we had to go to the pharmacy building for another photography session, I saw Bhavesh walking towards me. And we both were smiling. He wished me and everyone who was sitting on the staircase stood up and wished me. It was sweet. We didn't have the viva!

When the day was done and everyone else was ready to go home, 3 guys including Krishna asked me to give them a treat so we decided to go to the cafeteria building.. I asked a couple of girls if they wanted to join but they were too tired so they refused. Krishna stopped there and asked as to go ahead and told us that he'd come in a bit. 

On our way to the cafeteria building, I met Nazm and she wished me and apologized for wishing late. I asked her not to worry about it. And then 3 more girls walked towards me, hugged me and wished me birthday and told me that they were arguing about the date.. since I had lied to everyone that my birthday was on 9th :P They even got a lil mad for lying! :o

So, we went to the cafeteria building, ordered food and when we were eating, Krishna came and said, "Stop eating so much fatty or else you'll burst like a balloon!" and it hurt me so I was like, "YOU LOVE TO RUIN MY DAY, DON YOU?" I grabbed my bag pack and left. I saw Nazm with her friends. So I went to her. Her friends wished me birthday as well and we talked. I didn't tell Nazm about what happened a bit ago. 

The two guys got me chocolates and said, "Heh, don't ruin your mood. Eat this and calm down! We are leaving, okay?" I smiled and then I told Nazm that I am not going to share my chocolates and everyone laughed. We waited for Rahul to come. o_o Rahul wasn't aware that it was my birthday so when he came, Nazm told him, and he was like, "Omg, you serious? Shriti?" and I was like, "Hahaha, no, she's lying! xD" and then he said, "I'm sorry! I didn't know that, eh happy birthday!" and I giggled and said "Thanks." Then we all walked to the other side of the road. And then they told Veeru about it. And he wished me and offered me peanuts! Yes PEANUTS!! :P And they kept teasing and making me laugh. 

When they left, I walked towards my bus and as I entered, my brother's friend wished me. I kept getting texts and calls through out the day. I was smiling on my way to home. It was good.  When I got home I got more calls even from my childhood best friend. I had never thought, my day would be that awesome. 
Fb was flooding with notifications too and people who had seen me at college and smiled at me but weren't aware of my birthday wished me and seemed a little mad as well. They were like "Couldn't you tell us?" Even Prince called me and apologized and said the same. So I told him that Shubham was aware of it so he started cursing him 'cause he didn't tell him! Everyone made my day so special. It was the best birthday of my life.

Things.

There are things,

You'll never find out.

-My feelings, my thoughts,

Why I keep saying, "I've been through lots.."

There are things,

I'll never care about.

-Your race, your religion,

Your thoughts, your action. 

There are things,

You'll always dare.

-"Forget the pain, live like others,

Overlook the past and leave everything behind that bothers.."

There are things,

That I'll never share.

-My fears, my scariest secrets;

And the one who are the real culprits.

There are things,

You may find annoying.

-My action, my cry,

Me not being cheery, me wanting to die.

There are things,

I may be questioning.

-The society, my existence; My differences

And me not being able to find any resemblance.

There are things,

That you may find hilarious.

-My tears, my thinking,

My words, my writing.

There are things

That I may fake like an actress.

-Hide all the fears on the screen;

Make it all blurry, make it all unseen.

There are things,

You may never notice.

Bottled up feelings, all inside me,

I can barely show you what I see.

There are things,

That make me anxious.

-What they think, what they say,

"I hope it's good", I always pray.

There are things,

You don't find true.

And, most probably it's all about someone;

Don't be so harsh 'cause of an assumption, you'll regret & cry later on their coffin.

There are things,

I really hope I do.

-Not wait for tomorrow, finish it all tonight,

Get away from this fancy world, get away from your sight.

Reasons

There are reasons, 

Why a person never seems happy. 

There are reasons,

Why some people always wear a smile. 

That one soul who doesn't seem happy anymore, 

Is no one but the person who used to wear a smile all the time.

Heaving smile, makes her feel tired,

And it seems like every endeavor is causing the pain somehow,

That one soul has been strong for a while now, 

And hopes to stay the same,

Till she's done wining the worldly game,

Till she bids her final goodbye.

Outburst.

"..What I want, I can't have. What I have, I don't need. What I seek, I can't find. What I found, I can't deal with. What I've dealt with, I never deserved it..."

Why do I get so frustrated? Is it normal? I didn't go to college on Monday. Because, I don't know. There's just no point of doing anything anymore. Everything is so screwed up. I hate those people at my college anyways. I am so sick of everything that's happening around! Of course people want to have a new start of their lives but it doesn't mean that they'll kick out the old ones outta their lives. I know most of the people who'll read this are going to tell me "it's okay", "happens to everyone", blah blah blah. I know dammit! I know. But I don't want it to happen anymore. I really want my happiness to last a  little longer. I really do. Why do even start trusting people? Why do I always end up telling them how much they mean to me? And, even when I tell them, why do they take me for granted? Is there any person with who I can share all these feelings? NO. 

I know I am ruining myself by thinking about the past and all the crap. And being suicidal or depressed. But, I am sorry. It's just me. You have no idea, what I want, what I am dealing with or what my family is dealing with. I understand their issues. But I want them to understand mine. And if anyone out there's thinking of helping me out then forget it. It's probably too late and pointless. You cannot do anything about it. Stay away from me. You don't have to try to contact me or my family or anyone! YOU WILL JUST MAKE IT WORSE. I'll be fine hopefully.

To the person, who told me that I made my life this way.. if you're reading this then I wanna know what do you even know about me? Although, I have already replied to your comment on that post. So go check it and tell me again that I did it all and it's all my mistake!