As ridculous and crazy as it sounds

As ridiculous and crazy as it sounds,
I have a weird obsession with sadness.
Black is my color;
Scars are my sign;
Honest are my words,
and silly is my mind.

I don't know where was I going with these thoughts,
and subconsciously untying several knots.
Where am I?
My life is a lie.
What brought me here?
Maybe I am missing someone who is dear.
Who gave me this pen?
I wasn't so miserable back then.
My fate has been tossed,
and I think I'm lost.

Looking for the right words to define how it feels,
There are no retakes and no change of scripts when life reels.
With a cluster of wild and frightening thoughts in black and white,
It's hard to fall asleep at night.
But finally when the eyes start to close, 
Struggling through all the highs and lows,
Getting tired of staring into nothing,
It's hard to wake up again in the morning.

"She is dying every second.."

The earth's spinning around;

Things are falling apart,

Lying is turning into art;

What can she do when her lips are sealed and hands are bound?

Life's taking a turn,

Everything's a mess inside,

A carefree person has died;

All she can do is feel it as her soul starts to burn.

A wild scenario making her reckless,

Letting her want to be dead;

How come it's so easy and not so bad?

No one could see it coming, I guess.

Been through almost everything way too before the end;

She can't forget the things done and words said;

Her eyes glitter with tears, making it puffy and red;

Only if you could realize, she is dying every second.

There's so much never ending pain,

She finds beauty in sadness,

She is being consumed by insanity, anxiety and darkness,

To the world, she'll just die in vain.

Roll up the long sleeves of her shirt,

May be you'll see something horrifying and peculiar,

Fresh cuts from previous night or may be some old scars,

She actually thinks that she is some sort of dirt.

Something's wrong tonight.

While I speak to you,
I need you to realize,
That something's wrong tonight,
And I need you to stay by my side.
Sometimes it feels like you've lost all the trust,
And this relation is gonna get covered with a layer of dust.
Please, don't stop talking,
I may start thinking that you've stopped caring.
Thinking about it, makes me cold.
There are too many things untold.
No, this ain't about love.
It's about you and me trying to take on the world.
Before I speak up,
Go for contradiction and shed a tear, please try to cheer me up;
Because there's something really wrong tonight.

P.S. It's been a while since I've used "P.S." o_o So here it is :P Hello. I'm alright. It's a post from the drafts. And, it's not about love trust. Just weird sad feelings. Whatever. Eh. I'll get better. I know. All the posts from drafts just reflect my state of mind and heart at some point of time(December actually)

"..It was all over.."

She was alright. Well, at least that's how she felt. She made others believe that too. She was a little different. She had changed. ..Because others wanted her to change and appreciate  life. This time she could handle all the thoughts and stress. She was contented with loneliness. She didn't complain and she tried to hide it all with her smile. Even she was confused about her feelings and this new change.

She kept smiling. People were not thinking that she was insane anymore. Everything seemed normal. Although she didn't really talk to a lot of people. But she had good acquaintance with everyone and specially online people. She was really close to one person. She used to tell him everything. The good, the bad and the ugly. But she wasn't able to tell him anything anymore 'cause she didn't know what she was thinking or feeling.

Two nights ago, she was alone. Her parents were asleep and so was her brother. She had no one to talk to. Her closest friend was gone for a movie, another friend who was like his sibling was busy with his official work. And then two others were busy studying for their exams. She wasn't getting paranoid. She looked calm even when the demons were dragging her to darkness. She was missing her best friend who passed away 3 years ago. She missed her all the time but that night she was missing her even more. She smiled when a tear escaped her eyes. She sat up and looked at the ceiling and whispered, "I'm sorry.."

She stood up and walked towards the bathroom. She went in and quietly looked for her dad's razor. She stuck it to her skin and moved it across her wrist. She started to bleed and cry. She saw a bottle of floor cleaner. She decided to drink it too. She reached out for it and remembered the last time she had tried to drink it. How it burned her throat and how she ended up puking. She grabbed the bottle and hold her breath and drank all of it. Tears rolled down her cheeks. She tried not to throw up but she did and collapsed on the ground. Her whole life flashed in front of her eyes. From smiling to crying, laughing to weeping and.. mourning. Everything. She said, "I'm sorry" once again and closed her eyes.

It was all over and she was gone. Leaving behind tears, questions and memories. She did love a lot of people. She was someone who used to fall in love again and again with places, moments, people and their actions. The little things people did for others and for her. She was exhausted. Exhausted of trying and trying again. She wanted it to end. And the demons inside her head made her do that.

Edge.

My thoughts never leave me alone.

And nor does my feelings or fears.

It's been a week; 

Somehow survived it without tears.

It's all there, hidden and bottled up.

I'm equally insane as you,

And, I bet that you won't find it true.

My days are getting better,

And, I've started thinking that may be I do matter?

Like someone's praying for me and my fate,

'cause God and me are not friends yet.

I wake up, and plan my day;

But, dang! Procrastination takes it all away.

I almost have no complaints and no regrets.

It's something that I want.

And my greed still needs a lil more.

I am still struggling with my thoughts,

Whether to overlook the vile intentions

Or still maintain the distances?

Forget the people but not the pain,

Or forget the pain but not the people.

Focus on what I need,

Or focus on what I have.

It's more like I'm doing it for everyone else,

But, those people are forgetting to ask how I really am.

I'm sorry, I barely appreciate what you do, 

Or have done for me.

I expect nothing, 'cause I've already given up.

And the only thing I have is this body, that I already detest.

I'm on the edge of ending it all.

I really want to do it so I won't let you know.

I'm still fighting.

Is there anyone listening?

Anyone who's checking if I am still breathing?

Anyone wishing and hoping the best for me?

I'm really trying to keep this smile.

I'm just looking for a number to dial,

Craving for a familiar voice.

A voice that can gulp down all my rants.

I'm  always left with a thought of having it all better and fair.

I'm tryna win over all the dares,

If it still matters,

I want you to know that I'm trying.

And, and, I'm still fighting.

My day has passed,

And I am still awake on this damn cold night,

Waiting for certain feelings to flow down through tears.

But, no, I'm not scared, I don't have fears.

I'm ready for everything and anything you have but,

I'm always left with a thought of having it all better and fair.

I'm tryna win over all the dares,

If it still matters,

I want you to know that I'm trying.

And, and, I'm still fighting.

I need to get this off my chest,

Close my eyes and sleep at least.

I won't regret if I don't wake up next day,

Just take me home, home where you stay.

Don't stand there and watch me cry,

Don't hurt my family, don't lie,

Just change their mind, ask them to let me fly;

'cause you know that 

I'm always left with a thought of having it all better and fair.

I'm tryna win over all the dares,

If it still matters,

I want you to know that I'm trying.

And, and, yes, I'm still fighting.

I'm still fighting.. I'm still fighting.

Outburst.

"..What I want, I can't have. What I have, I don't need. What I seek, I can't find. What I found, I can't deal with. What I've dealt with, I never deserved it..."

Why do I get so frustrated? Is it normal? I didn't go to college on Monday. Because, I don't know. There's just no point of doing anything anymore. Everything is so screwed up. I hate those people at my college anyways. I am so sick of everything that's happening around! Of course people want to have a new start of their lives but it doesn't mean that they'll kick out the old ones outta their lives. I know most of the people who'll read this are going to tell me "it's okay", "happens to everyone", blah blah blah. I know dammit! I know. But I don't want it to happen anymore. I really want my happiness to last a  little longer. I really do. Why do even start trusting people? Why do I always end up telling them how much they mean to me? And, even when I tell them, why do they take me for granted? Is there any person with who I can share all these feelings? NO. 

I know I am ruining myself by thinking about the past and all the crap. And being suicidal or depressed. But, I am sorry. It's just me. You have no idea, what I want, what I am dealing with or what my family is dealing with. I understand their issues. But I want them to understand mine. And if anyone out there's thinking of helping me out then forget it. It's probably too late and pointless. You cannot do anything about it. Stay away from me. You don't have to try to contact me or my family or anyone! YOU WILL JUST MAKE IT WORSE. I'll be fine hopefully.

To the person, who told me that I made my life this way.. if you're reading this then I wanna know what do you even know about me? Although, I have already replied to your comment on that post. So go check it and tell me again that I did it all and it's all my mistake!

"Drowning"

It stops hurting,

When you get used to pain.

You stop feeling,

'cause there is neither loss nor gain.

You forget to smile,

When nightmares are the only thing you remember.

It's been a while,

I feel like my sky is turning grayer.

Too many words,

And so little courage;

I am much more jealous of the birds,

Who aren't inside the cage.

I want to break free,

But this heart is so scared;

I wonder if I'll ever find glee;
'cause it's been a while since someone has really cared.

It's like I'm drowning in my own emotions,

And just fading away from people.

Call it stress, drama or depression,

But, I know that things are just going to be more awful.

"..Tell me.."

I close my eyes,

And remember all the times.

It's still the same,

But seems so different.

I miss those times,

I miss those moments.

It's just another night,

Just one of the battles, I fight.

Plethora of anything,

Is never really fine.

Tell me, "I'll stick to you,

The sky isn't always blue,

The sun doesn't always shine,

And, it's okay to fall apart sometimes."

Show me, it gets better,

And nothing stays forever.

Tell me, "I'll miss you when you're gone."

So, that I can hold on for a little long.

Choco's blah blah

Sometimes in life, things never really get better,

We just get used to the things as they are.

We learn to accept them,

And start to compromise.

"..It's a sad world.."

It's a sad world.

Someone's crying, someone's dying,

But, still faking a smile.

Someone's hurt, someone's broken,

But still pretending to be fine.

Someone's drowning in plethora of emotions,

Someone's lost in memories.

But, still trying to find out the missing puzzle piece, 

Of their own selves. 

We're still alive,

We're still breathing,

We're not dead yet.

Choco's blah blah.

Sometimes, when things go wrong, I do cry. I do hate myself and everything around me. But then later, I just tell myself that everything will be alright; 'cause after a hurricane, comes a rainbow. ♥

My life is going to be amazing. I am going to be truly happy. I just have to go with the flow. Nothing can ruin it. I know, I'm gonna have more terrible days but it will not last forever. Everything is temporary.

"..My fate's not letting me to die..."

The past crawls like the clouds,

And, the silence screams out loud.

Too much stuffs in my head; useless;

Makes feel like I'm nothing but a mess.

Bounded by the promises that I've made

I just want these memories to fade.

I wanna stay cocooned in my sorrow

And at times, I wanna let it go.

There's no turning back but I don't know where to go.

I wish if everything could freeze,

So I would embrace it all like a cold winter breeze,

Songs make me cry and memories make me sigh,

My fate's not letting me to die.

Choco's blah blah.

I fake a smile and they think I'm rejoicing. 

I laugh and they think everything is alright.

They'll never know how I survived last night.

I've promised and I'll be trying.

No matter how worse things get, I'll be fighting.

"You have really pretty eyes and an adorable smile, you should smile more often."

Sometimes people forget that the prettiest eyes hide the darkest lies and those eyes have shed more tears than any. Same goes with the smile. The saddest person has the most amazing smile. You know when you look into certain people's eye. You'll find a weird glow. The way they glitter is just amusing sometimes. Well, at least I find it amusing but may be that's what you call "sad eyes"? I have been told that I have "sad eyes" and I have know idea what does it mean but, blah, I don't know.. You just feel like the person is sad or something has been eating them up, you know? Well, I don't really look into people's eye anymore 'cause it makes me feel like they'll know everything that I've been hiding and I'll burst into tears.  

Anyways, ta-daa! I'm still alive. Breathing, smiling, laughing, jumping, dancing and singing too.. xD Just in case you are not aware of the fact that I  am in college now. And I cleared my 1st semester. :) Looking forward to 2nd semester and stuffs. 

"..wishing for this life to end.."

Another day has passed.

And now it's in the past.

Another tear will glitter with a hope.

Pills, razor, poison or rope?

Every option,

Takes you to your destination.

He is still perplexed to see you sad.

Wondering "what's going on inside your head?"

You cry and he's speechless.

He doesn't understand why do you think that you are a mess?

She died and they left you.

You cried and someone groped you.

That night you lost your smile and even your voice.

Only Lord knows that it wasn't your choice.

When you used words to reveal the truth.

One thousand souls laughed at you; called you "a crazy little youth"

They will never know.

They will never understand.

They can never see that you're wishing for your life's end.

I don't know anyone anymore.. They all seem strangers to me. May be I am feeling a bit too alone? I don't want to be an attention seeker by posting this here. I am not okay.. It's been a month now. I can't even concentrate on my studies. I screwed all my exams. My college friends are great but they live really far(literally more than 50 miles away). My best friend lives in Croatia. I don't feel like anyone cares anymore.. Don't think that my best friend cares either.. I am just so stupid. I am crying and typing this over here.. Don't know why? I really miss people who were once with me.. Everyone.. Even the ones I met over internet.. I just feel left out. When internet is your only social life. Things doesn't seem right.. I miss Raed, Juan, Prince, Manish, Saket, Sergi, Jake, Jasmine, Neeraj, Pratish, Srishti, Anubha, Darren, John, Rob, David.. and a lot of people.. Sunakshi di, you'll get mad at me if you read this.. I am sorry.. I'm sorry, I'm hiding stuffs from everyone. I am self harming again. It's going really wrong..

"..Last breath.."

I'm broken,

I'm shattered,

Plethora of emotions,

And, nostalgia,

Haunt me at nights.

Locked in my room in low lights,

I twist, I turn,

I don't know who I am.

I'm a truth,

I'm a lie,

I can never be something that you can hide.

I'm a mess but a little less,

I'm a freak, I'm sane.

I'm happy but in vain.

Slowly, I'm turning into a wreck.

My phobias are enchanting Euthanasia,

Another killing dilemma,

Give it all or give it up?

If I left, folks would start to gossip about.

Mystery of death,

And my last breath.

P.S. Eh, updating after 1 month.. :) Haha, I am still alive. My semester exams are on.  I screwed up EM but Chemistry went awesome. I am a bit relieved today. Heh, sorry for such a sad post. :P But, Merry Christmas People. :)

Secrets, truth and love(Answer of all your questions that you have been asking me) Part-1

So, so, it's been ages since I've written anything personal on this blog.. been writing poems but they never made any sense. And, you all wanted to know that why I write such dark stuffs. Why I've been acting like this since past 2 years. I'm not lying but trust me, I wasn't knowing the answer either but now I know, and I'm not scared to write everything and anything on here. And like most of you have been thinking it since the beginning, it was "Love" 

But, my version of "love" is a little different then yours. For me, love's my childhood memories that makes me smile, love's the sweet feeling that I had when I was in kindergarten and had a friend who used to share chocolates with me, love's when I used to miss him whenever he had missed the school. Love's passing by his old house and hoping to see him coming out of his house even after knowing that he has moved to another place. 

It was love when I used to ask my mom to make me a drawing. Love's my dad picking me and my brother up from the school in his bike and buying us ice cream. Love's good, love's bad. Love's me wishing to disappear when 2 most important people in my life were fighting. Love's growing up. Love's learning. Love's wishing to be Cinderella, Love's having hundreds of ambitions at the age of 11. Love's crushing on my classmate. Love's crying at nights at the thought of your friends leaving the school and especially your crush leaving the school. :P

Love's my pokemon craze that I used to have. Love's aiming to be perfect at something. Love's looking at the childhood pictures. Love's seeing the pictures of my dadu(grandpa) letting me eat the whole chocolates.  Love's me asking my parents to get me a rabbit or parrot again.

Love's the time when I met new people and made new friends, Love's the time when I and mom had tears in our eyes after knowing that dad has got diabetes. Love's when my heart started beating faster to see my senior. Love's me and him staring at each other at his fuel station. Love's me and him parking our scooties together.

Love's him leaving some space at the parking stand so that I could park my scooty right next to his. Love's waiting for him after school. Love's saying everything through eyes. Love's him and I staring at each other from our stalls and a romantic song being played in the background :P Love's seeing him in my dreams! :o

Love's when I got internet connection and I met a few people. Love's the feeling that I had when I met my uncle after 13 years.. Love's me meeting my aunty and my cousins for the first time. Love's me hugging my cousin brother for 1st and last time when he was leaving. Love's me hoping the time to stop. Love's when I missed my closest buddy's birthday for my aunty's surgery. Love's letting my little cousin sister ruin my drawing book.

Love's when my friends became sad to know that I have ovarian tumor(cancer)..(I don't have it btw, it's just a cyst, doctors had some confusion which was sorted out later) Love's when I saw my dad sad. It was love that made my dad sad. I cannot see my dad being sad. I would never like to see him sad ever again,

It was love when my best friend wished to die before me.. Love to me is feeling that something wrong's going to happen. Love's when you get tears in your eyes for no reason and it starts suffocating you. Love's when I wanted to go and visit her in the hospital but my parents didn't let me too 'cause they were too scared about me. Love's when me and other people were praying for her. Love's when we all wanted to give a few days from our life to her. Love's the feeling of relief that we had after knowing that she was recovering. Love's the time when I thought it was a joke when they told me that she had died. 

Love's me trying to cry in the shower. Love's when I cried my eyes out when our school principal started talking about her. Love's the guilt that I still have in my heart. Love's me crying the whole day and not getting out of bedroom and not eating anything at all. It was love of parents when they didn't let me to go to her funeral. It's love which made me think that it was a nightmare. It's love that made me to start disliking myself and my parents.. Love helped me to move on. Love still brings tear in my eyes because I miss her. Love made me to write. Love's made me to create this blog. 

Love made my mom to get mad at me. Yes, it was love when she was yelling at me. Love's the time when she's beating me so that I never choose the wrong path. Love's in spending time with my amazing pals. Love's in getting good marks at exams. Love's in every attachment. Love's in my school, my subject, my friends, my teachers, even in those road crashes that I have survived. Love's in turning 16, love's in writing, Love's in meeting people on here, love made me to try to kill myself, love has saved me..

Love can give you pleasure, love can give you pain.

P.S. It's not complete yet..will be posting the second part soon :)

"..sing me the lullaby"

My past crawling my present,

My present healing my future.

I have promises to keep,

And a thousand miles to go before I sleep.

Sing me the lullaby,

The lullaby that my mother used to sing.

It gives me peace,

And It'll let me fall asleep with an ease.

Fascinating deep brown eyes,

Eyes that had never learnt to speak lies.

Escaping all the truths,

Going to chase every kind of silence that soothes.