Am I bad person for waiting to die?

The number of cuts I make on my body are actually the number of times I get murdered by people's words and actions.

If people tried to look back at my old posts, you wouldn't find a lot of happy posts. But yes, you'll find hundreds of dark ones. Will you say that I have been depressed since then? Is it really depression? Am I really depressed? Things changed, people changed, I changed, memories have started to fade away but I regret nothing. I cannot look at the brighter side anymore but I can always hope for it. Have I really forgotten  how to smile or be happy? Why doesn't the stress go away? Why always one thing gets better but the very next moment other things start to fall apart? I work so hard. I don't do anything wrong. I do not cuss. I do not lie to parents and bunk classes and go for movies and stuff. I always think about others first. Then why doesn't things go right for me? Why do those hypocrites who keep lying, who keep doing the wrong things get everything? Why do they even pass? 

5th of September can be termed as another darkest day in my life. I got beaten up again. This time I got insulted by own brother in the bus for no reason. I reached home. I told my mum. He did the same. But still mum thought it was all my fault so she tried to hit me. We were downstairs, at the main gate and a few people were there. I did get a bit angry. Who wouldn't? Then upstairs, I was telling her my things and he was telling about his things. Mum was still mad at me. And then she said something mean to me. I told her the same thing back. And that's it. That thing was enough for her to beat me up. I know it was my fault. I shouldn't have said that. But I was just angry and it just came out of my mouth. So she kept hitting me. Who wouldn't scream in pain at that moment? I kept screaming and she kept beating me up so that shut up! But how can anyone expect that one would shut up by getting beaten up. 

Things started to get worse. I was more angry and in pain that I asked her to kill me all at once instead of beating me up to death. She became more angry. Grabbed my throat, choked my breath, hit my head against the floor. Later she went in the kitchen, left me on the floor, half unconscious, in pain, crying, screaming, weeping. She came back with a flat spoon made up of stainless steel. Started hitting me again. I got a small cut on my arm. It was really tiny to be honest. I was wearing a long sleeve Kurta but still I got cut so you can imagine how much pain I had to go through. Then she started kicking me. She even kicked my face. My mouth started to bleed a little too. It was all red that day. And next day it became white and was swollen a little. It still hurts badly. I cannot even open my mouth, smile or talk.

I ended up cutting myself that night. For the next two days, I couldn't even touch my head or body because it was hurting me that much. My head starts hurting all of sudden when I am at college or home. I do not even feel like telling people about these things, you know? Because, I am literally tired and sick of telling or trusting people.

If you think I wrote this for gaining attention then screw you and your thoughts. I could have written this on fb or told this to everyone personally on the same day. I would have never asked people to save my classmate's life. I did everything for others while going through that crap.

P.S. DO NOT HATE ON MY MOTHER. DO NOT EVEN TRY TO CURSE HER. I STILL LOVE HER AND I WILL ALWAYS LOVE HER. SHE IS A GREAT LADY. I DON'T HATE HER. I ONLY HATE WHAT SHE DOES TO ME. THE REASON I WROTE THIS WAS BECAUSE I WANTED TO GET THINGS OFF MY CHEST.

"..I hope you hate yourself for this..."

If I died today,

It would really be the final good bye.

I no longer have the urge to live

The heart doesn't deserve anything that you give.

And like you say, "I have everything".

I wonder how does nothing feels like.

And the way you make me feel,

I don't think my scars will ever heal.

I hope you realize you are wrong.

I hope you see through this song.

I hope you hate yourself for this.

"Molested"

Lived a nightmare few night backs,

Revolting hands that touched,

Me all over, was no one but someone

of my own blood.

Disguisting feeling kills me everytime.

And whenever I remember that night,

I move away from light.

My soul burns and screams in pain.

Vile intensions almost ate me up.

Secrets deep burried in my heart has started crawling up,

Reality that has ugly truth haunts me,

Where is God, Where is life?-I can't see.

I still remember the night when,

I was touched by those hands.

The touch wasn't of love;

Trust me it was lust.

A bit unconcious but still aware of the things,

I woke next morning, crying.

I did tell my mother, but she didn't believe.

She said, "Its all your fault,

You don't have manners to sleep"

My heart ached so badly; I thought,

And I think I have no one.

Such a disguisting feeling,

keeps assassinating;

It won't stop, untill it's done.

I did try to hug death,

But I failed.

The ugly face behind the innocent smile

Is still veiled.

P.S. This is not a fiction, not a thought but just an ugly truth.

P.P.S If you have any questions about this then I am sorry. I don't want to answer any of your questions. Not everyone's life is beautiful as yours. Not everyone can be happy like you. 

Choco's blah blah

"..I don't want these scars to heal,

Nor to end this pain,

And untill those wounds remain,

Its going to remind me that

I am not supposed to do the same mistake again.."

THATS how it looked on saturday

Yeah I know, I'm insane. I told my friends 'bout this at school (only girls though) Well I showed my hand to Prince and he went mad. And also to Tunesh but even he wanted to do the same o.O He broke his cell phone. =] Not eating properly. Skipping breakfast and lunch and sometimes dinner. I have no reply. I don't want to tell you that why I did so. When Tunesh saw my hand, he was like " Did your mom see that?" I said "nope" He again: Then what's the use of this thing?.. Hmm well I didn't do this to show her or anyone.

Dear God, I hate you! :|

I tried to cut my wrist today. But then I cut my hand. Why she has to be like this? It was so embarrassing, my younger brother's friend was here and Mom abused me, yelled and beat me again. She almost stabbed me with a knife. I got a cut on my right foot. Argh.. I'm not a kid, I'm 17 and she cannot treat me like this. I swear, I'm not going to anything. She doesn't know 'bout me cutting my hand not even about the cut on my foot that i got 'cause of her. And don't worry, 'cause I'm ok.. My hand didn't bleed much. I went for a movie 'cause I didn't want to stay at home. Watched Band baja Baraat with Srishti, Shruti and Divya and movie was quiet good. =] 

I'm no more a sweet teenager (T^T)

It looked so awesome o.o Weather was damn so good. It was all foggy when I woke up at 5:30 am for tutions. I couldn't see anything. :P Went school but my "awesome" mom and bro ruined my mood. 

I hate them! Sometimes I feel like I'm their step daughter/sister. We had PTM (Parents teacher meeting) today after 11:00 am. It's so embarrassing (-__-) Everyone's mom keep praising their daughter but my mom talks like "achche marks nahi aye toh sadna yahi. Koi college.. kuch nahi!!" And she said this to my class teacher even!! 

If she wanted to say all these stuffs then why didn't she tell me at home? Why did she embarrass me in the school? I got 84% and I wanna know, is it bad? Last time it was only 61% (v__v) and Yesh!! My mom says I don't study at home. 

My life is so bitter and I'm no more a sweet teenager who used it pen her feelings silently and never let anyone know the worse side of her life. I'm saying stuffs 'bout my mom and bro. =[  Eeeehhh  (T^T) I love you mom =/ I'm sorry for saying so. I'm just mad.

You don't have to read this!! ^_^

Your best friends betrayed you and you forgave them but still they keep doing the same thing.

you have relatives who don't want you and your family to be happy and they keep doing shits to destroy your family.

You have such uncles and aunts who wants nothing but to kick you out of the school.

You have awesome friends who don't remember your birthday but you still hope that they'll wish you at 12am? But then, you find that its 1 pm and your friends haven't wished you yet and you still care to invite them for your birthday party and like lame creatures they tell you that they can't come.

You have egoistic friends for who their ego, their respect ish more important than your birthday, your tears and your feelings.

You feel alone on your birthday even when you have your friends to celebrate it?

Your bestfriend wished to die before you and God made her wish come true?

You have mean parents who don't let you to go and visit your dying friend just 'cause they think you are a 15 year old naive?

And they are so mean that they won't even let you to go at her funeral and when you are crying and missing her; they yell at you!?

You still miss your dead friend everyday and especially when a friends betrays you and do You write poems to express how much you miss her?

You have a bro who makes you feel like crap.

Your mom ever told you that you are nothing but a burden to them?

Your mom and bro calling you a bitch, a slut and ugly fattie?

Ever felt that your parent's care for you ish nothing but like some sort of slow poision killing you every minute?

Your mom still hits you and beats you with sticks and other stuffs even when you are seventeen?

You have an ex-friend who hates you so much that she wants you to cry and die

You know people across the huge oceans who wants you to be happy and when they look at your sucidal status, they stop you from dying?

Your favorite teacher tried to blame you in a false case of cheating and bluffing and conspiring against the head girl of the school.
Your mom telling you that you are friends are mean but actually they are not atleast not like them. She wont let you to give your notes to anyone and instead she would just expect from the world to help you.

Ever been told by a stupid doctor that you have stomach tumor?

But actually it's not stomach tumor but its ovarian tumor/cancer(a silent killer).

You have a lot of guy friends and you have told everything to your mom about them and their GFs but your mom still don't trust you and calls you a slut then what would you do?

Ever felt that its suffocating at home and ever felt home at school with friends?

Do you feel like dying after having the above craps in your life?

Someone does.. she's trying to be happy and make others happy. She doen't have any hopes and she thinks her life ish really miserable. She writes suicidal notes but she never wants anyone to get worried 'bout that. She has almost decided to kill herself but something hold her back. She ish just too sensitive. The world thinks she's a crazy emo kid but that's not true.

Outburst

Arghhhh when the hell is it going to end? Now it's been 9 days now... And everyday is such a mess. Why my day starts with tears and ends with tears. Why do I have to pretend that I am so damn happy..and everything is alright. They just make me feel like i'm a crap and nothing else. I'm not scaring anyone over here that I'll end my life. I'm just telling you that I give up now and I can't hold on.. Now, I'm just so scared to smile.. 'cause this smile changes to tears within a while. I am just sick og crying and trying and faking a smile.

i want to die!!

Why is it happening to me?
Did I do something wrong?
Why are they cursing me now?
I was not even involved in that thingiie. I was knowing this is gonna happen thats why I asked them not to do that. My whole school thinks that I did that with some intension. But seriously I didn't want to hurt her or anyone. Why did they make me apart of it.? Why are they blaming me?
Sophia ma'am says that the whole school staff thinks that it was done by me, I have edited that video and removed those scenes in which kritika was.
But trust me I haven't done anything. The cameraman didn't captured her. So how was that my fault. That's why I didnt want to attend teachers' day. And why did she take my name?
My class mates and friends are with me (I hope) cause they told me that they are but 'am scared.. that they are going to backstab me. I dont want any kind of dispute or fight. But just cause of kritika whole school thinks I have done that. Geeez she is even including my mum's name it that my mum is trying to call and threaten her. I just feel like dying and what's the use of life huh?
Sophia ma'am has studied psychology and she told me that whatever happened with kritika was not good and it was kind of emotional torture but what bout those stuffs that she and her classmates did with me? I have been tortured since last one month.
I haven't eaten anything till now, I am crying cause I am unable to hold my tears.. am really trying hard.. and my head is hurting, I am feel pukey... umm Idk I am feeling so alone.. may be I'll talk to tanu or just go and sleep!!! I want to die seriously..

"..stay alone?.."

Dreams and illusions;

darkness and silence..

doesn't need any companions;

they hurt her more

than the lonliness..

Her misty eyes and

crescent smile faints;

When the stars giggles and

the pink breeze cuddles her in pain..

Why tears doesn't stop?
Why happy movement doesn't stay?
She cried alot to lesser her pain;
Just want to yell out her feelings again..

She wanna tell them
"stop being mean to her!"
-they've never seen her love and care;
but just for her one mistake
they've become so unfare..

Ever thought of her fragile
and naive heart?
Ever heard to the faint echoes
that says don't wanna stay apart?

May be not and that's why
they're gonna leave her alone;
Yes she's scared..
but she doesn't wanna tell them that!

They haven't listened
to her mumbling voice;
and haven't seen her
glittering eyes..
Yes it was the time
when she was crying..

But they never noticed
Oh Jesus, what a fate..!
Now it's too late;
She's not gonna turn back..

She never cared to check her bruises
those blood stains were visible,
but she never noticed...
They are the one who has
who ruled her heart
and torn it in two parts..

Happy birthday MOM!!

Happy birthday Mummy :)

I never said that I love you.

I never said that I need you.

But now 'am saying it Mummy

I love you sooo much.

I need you beside me.

I always say blah blah to you;

I get angry on you;

but then you still stay the same.

Sometimes you shout but

then You do it just for my benefit;

To make me strong and capable;

to face the world.

Mummy I love you :)

I had almost taken your life

when I was born.

I am feeling so guilty

'am sorry that I quarreled

with you on your b'day.

sorry mom! :(

"I was wondering.."

I hate medicines!! yack!! Doctor aunty has given me lots of medicines. Mom wants me to have those medicines.
*sigh

haha! guess what I have lost 7 kgs in 2 months. yay! yay!yay! I am enjoying the weather, the lonely roads, studies and many blah blah blah things! I am happy and I want to be like that for the whole year.

Questions hopping in my mind :

1.If I hate Safedi ki chamkar then why did I helped her again? why did I share my chocolates with her? :P

2. This one is about angel. Just wondering how cruel and selfish he is! Damn! Till last month he used to talk to me for no reason just because he needed help in completing projects, to pass the exam and many many blah blah things. But now aaaahhh..! he hasn't talked to me. (let me tell you I call that guy angel cause earlier he was in some angel school and everyone calls him angel.... nothing else)

3. Hmm feeling like dumbo after failing the exams! I never failed in any of the test or exam. Always stood second, third or fourth and so on  but never failed. Failed for the first time that too in 2 subjects together. am I dumbo? Will my friends treat me like before? What my teachers would think about me?

4.I am reallly sad about Sunny(my friend). How could komz do that with him? And why the hell stupid boys including Angel, A.V. , Chicky likes her?

5. Has Chimni turned a psycho??

6. Does tragedy queen really likes Chimni? Why she wants to be attentive(specially when the guys are around)??

Now Out burst:

I hate him, him him and him!(they all are different guys) I don't want to listen them, I don't want to look their face, I hate their names, I hate their presence!!