I think about it a lot.

I think about the endings a lot. End of my existence to be specific. I wonder how things will be when I’m gone. How will they find it out? What will be their reaction? Who is going to cry the most? Who is going to regret the most? Are they going to remember me? How long will it take for my memories to fade away from their lives? What is their favorite memory with me? What will they miss the most about me? Will they miss me at all? Will they refer to me as the girl who was funny? Or someone who loved ice cream? Or the girl whose bluetooth device name was pizza? Or will they remember me as the girl who always looked sad but laughed till her stomach hurt? Will they remember me as the smart chick with nerdy glasses who got the highest marks in the class? Or as the girl who used to be short, chubby and not pretty at all? Will they remember me as the girl who loved to take photographs? What will they do or think about me after finding out about the suicide? Will there be rumors at my college? What will be the different theories for my suicide? Will the people I call friends, understand this? Will they forgive me? Will they regret not being able to help me?

2015

The only thing that's going to change with the year 2015 is the calendar. Nothing else. Everything and everyone will remain the same. You and I? We are going to be the same. 

I'm definitely over this.  I don't have any expectation because expectation leads to disappointment. I learned a lot of things in the past year. I learned that it's okay to let go. I learned that growing up means being true to yourself. Whatever you feel, whatever you like, accept it. But one thing I didn't learn is to like or love myself. I hate myself the most and that makes me my own bully but let's not talk about it. Maybe 2015 is going to be better or worse or just be the same as 2014. 

It was a bad year for most of us, some lost families, some lost love, some lost friends. And the saddening thing is that most number of people have died this year. I didn't think I'd make it to 2015 but I did. I made it to 2015, thanks to all the love and prayers that I received. I really want to thank them all for being in my life. I broke my ties with some people and I mended some with the others. I didn't speak to some people but I missed them. I missed some people but I didn't speak to them. I came to the realization that life is actually very very short. There's no point of grieving for too long but also there's no point of bottling up the feelings. There's no point of tearing up your wishlist for other if they don't make you happy. 

It's like when you're younger, you make up plans and you dream of big things to accomplish someday and then one day, you're 21 and you realize that the "someday" is supposed to be today but you haven't done anything yet and you already have the responsibility that you never wanted in the first place, not so soon at least. Ask yourself, have you lived your life? Have you been happy? Do you do things that make you happy or makes you feel alive? Have you fallen in love? Have you accepted your feelings for the person you actually love? When are you going to tell them that you love them? You don't have time. It's slipping out of your hands. You need to start living for yourself. You need to do what makes you happy. Just do it. Don't think too much of the consequence. That's the only way to live.

I realized this a few weeks ago and I decided to live my life as much as I can but I won't run away from my responsibilities for that. Hopefully I'll continue living like this in the next year and hopefully I'll grow. I really pray 2015 doesn't disappoint the ones who are expecting something from it.

Oh hey, friend. Is it ok, to call you a friend? Um, let me just call you "friend" here in this post because there's something I need to tell you.

So I've been trying to be myself. I'm being myself but I've been more quiet recently and there's this weird fear and anxiety which is dwelling inside me and it's eating me up from the inside. I laugh when there's something to laugh about, I smile back when someone smiles at me. I wave "hi" and "goodbye" to my batchmates when they pass by and sometimes I even have small conversation with them. But here's the thing about small conversations. They are small and they end in a blink of an eye. 

Anyways, I know that you think that I'm "fine" and that there's nothing wrong with me but how come there are so many people who can see the sadness of my face. I'm not saying that I purposely keep a frowning face. I don't. But it's just my face that looks frowny and dull now. And let me quote something that was said to me by one of the trainers from my college. She said, "You look so dull and in pain. Is there something wrong? It feels like, like.. there's something.. some sort of burden or pain that you're carrying.. Are you alright? You are so young.. you shouldn't be this sad. Please if there's anything, please come to me and talk to me if you need someone to talk to me." 

The same thing was said to me by another co-ordinator of the TNP department of my college on the same freaking day. Woah! I must be such a good actor, no? Nothing scares me more than knowing that someone knows that I'm not okay. Sometimes, I want them to know that I'm not okay but that means I will have a hard time telling a lie and my voice will crack and I usually feel choked when people notice that I'm not okay. 

Right now I'm sick. (I wonder if it's because I haven't talked to you because usually that's what happens to me but don't worry. I will be alright. And I really hope it's not because of you) A regular/general doctor who actually delivered me almost 21 years ago.. can tell that I'm stressed and depressed and I'm standing on the edge. The way she told not to get so depressed and stressed was scary. 

I even had a few of my batchmates who asked me the same questions.. It's all so clearly visible on face and I can't even hide it anymore but you refuse to see it or believe and what have you done? You gave up on me.. After all this time, after knowing all of my secrets and past memories and feelings, this is what I get. I believe, I never should've trusted you. It's all of my fault. I can't believe I'm wasting another night writing about you.

God, I wish you knew that I wasn't being dramatic and I'm actually depressed and having a bad phase and this isn't normal. This is not a feeling or thought that can be forgotten over a night's sleep. I wake up wanting to be dead. That's how fucked up I feel but nope, it's all drama, right my dear "friend"?

A beautiful friend

When you're a teenager, every little crisis feels like the end of the world. You don't feel like existing anymore. Life seems so twisted and we keep making terrible decisions. It happens to everyone.

Embarrassed?

'I don't wanna live anymore.'

Fought with best friend?

'The world can stop spinning now.'

Parents don't understand?

'Why did they even brought me in this world?'

Crush has a crush on a terrible person?

'Why does it always happen to me?'

When you're a teenager, you feel like the only person who understands is your friend. I felt the same. Actually I didn't but I always had friends who cared a lot for me. Like seriously a lot. And it felt good to know that there were people who made you happy and who made you forget all your worries. I had people who'd do anything to make me feel happy again and that included cussing their crush because they hurt me and attending my birthday party even when they have a sick mum at home who had a minor operation two days ago. I was blessed to have friends like them. I know that not everyone has friends. 

Exactly five years ago, on September 18th, one of my best friends took her last breath on her death bed. She tried to kill herself, she was in hospital for around 20 days. She had major burn injuries. She was recovering but something happened and she couldn't take the pain anymore. I still remember every single detail of the day. How I got the terrible news of her suicide attempt and the day when our Chemistry teacher told us in our Morning tution that she couldn't make it. I remember wishing it was a terrible joke or rumor. I remember calling up my other friends and telling her about our dead friend. I remember trying to cry in the shower but I couldn't cry. I didn't cry until the principal started talking about her. I think I cried all day long. 

For a long time, I felt guilty for not telling her how much she meant to me. I felt guilty for not visiting her in the hospital. I felt guilty for not making it to the funeral. I was also amazed how everyone else was "normal" again. As if she never existed in our lives but I think we still did talk about her. We even saw her in our dreams sometimes and we'd talk about it the next day in school. I wonder if anyone still remembers this day. Maybe not. 

I always write about her on this day. I don't know why. I think because she was like a lucky charm for me or may be because when I found about tumor(it was a misdiagnose), she said "hey, you're going to live long. I hope God gives you all of my days". She said that a week before her suicide attempt. She had the most beautiful smile. She was strong and crazy and stupid.

I miss my beautiful friend. Her death did change me and my life. I didn't have my lucky charm and I suddenly started to lose my other friends, got more depressed, performed poorly in exams, argued with family, blamed myself for her death and what not. Like I said in the very beginning of this post, when you're a teenager, every little crisis feels like the end of the world. But this wasn't any little crisis. I lost a friend and she was never coming back. 

I try to save as many lives as I can. I know what depression is, I know what it feels like when you want to die. I want people to know that they are important and that I love them. I make sure that they know that I love them. If you read me, if you think of me, if you've ever made me smile, if you've ever helped me, I love you. Thank you for existing. Please don't kill yourself. Things will get better for you. If it didn't get better, you'll at least have enough strength to deal with it. 

He loves me.

"It's weird when friends get into relationship, no?", I typed out on my phone and sent it to him on whatsapp. It was 12:30 AM here in India and 10 PM in his country. We have two and half hours time difference. I know him since 2009, we have been friends ever since then. I tell him everything and he tells me most of the things that he wants me to know. I can't stand a single minute without talking to him. When we're not talking, he is always in my head. I miss him. I know that he probably doesn't miss me this much or he doesn't like me as much as I like him but it doesn't matter.

He was online so he replied as soon as he saw the text, "Yeah.".

"What would you do if I got into a relationship?"

"I'd be like "We had something special :(" XD. If you gave me some time, I wouldn't mind it. If you ignored me I'd be all :("

"Well, I can only be in relationship if boys like Park exists." I replied, referring to the character Park of the book Eleanor & Park. God, I love Park. Guys like Park need to exists in real life. Rainbow Rowell did a fantastic job with her book. I love it so much.

"And, I can be in a relationship if I change my personality."

"Nah, your personality is fine. I like it." I replied. A second later, I added, "But  we can't date because we fight a lot."

"Fight-zoned :c", he replied.

"Hahaha, omg I just fight-zoned you. xD"

"you will regret it D': xD" before I could reply, he added, "Bbz will u love me 4evr?"

Was it the first time that we were playing along and talking about being together? No it wasn't.

I took a while before typing, "I don't wanna regret, let's date D:"

"Long distance doesn't work.. 0_0" He replied in no time and added, "Maybe when we're 26 and independent, it'll be good"

I wasn't sure if he was serious or playing along, so, I hesitated before replying, "What if it still remains long distance? What if I got married because of some family reasons or something? What if you started dating Jay."

"Nah, don't get married. Runaway.", he replied back and added "Nah doubt it. She has too many options"

"You do too and run where?", I replied.

"Save up and run away to Mumbai then run out of the country" and added, "Nah I don't have"

"You do"

"Really, I am disliked. 0_0"

"No. Liar. Everyone goes like 'omg, he is so cute' when they see you."

"No really. :/ You don't know what it's like.."

"I don't know what?"

"To be me.."

"Every girl from my college who has seen your picture thinks that you are extremely cute."

"Well, just your college :("

"You look great. You need to stop overthinking every time a jerk treats you badly because they are jealous of you."

He didn't reply. I had questions in my head. Was he serious? Does he like me? What was this? Why did we talk about it? I was still waiting for his reply so I could ask him those questions. I needed to know the answers. I thought that maybe his family was around or he was doing something else. So I asked him, "What are you doing? I need to ask you something."

He replied five minutes later. "Yea, ask?"

"Were you joking/just saying about the dating when I said, 'I don't wanna regret, let's date' or was it real?"

"A bit of both."

"Both? How?"

"I really don't know tbh ._."

Damnit. I thought and replied, "So you were just saying."

"Not rly"

"Then?"

"I don't know as I said. 0_0. Were you joking?"

"How can you not know? 0_0  and I asked first 0_0 I need to know or I won't sleep." Well blackmailing always works and it did again.

"I really don't. It was like 65% serious 35% joke. Like.."

"Like?", I replied three minutes later.

Two minutes later, he sent, "I was like it's not like I wouldn't want to date. But if the conditions were favorable then yes. But it's not like 'NOO NEVER'. Get it?"

Nope, I didn't get it. "Okay, yea."

"Cuz we are soooo far away and neither of us are ready. But if we were close and were ready then why not, y'know? Sorry for making it awkward. And close like able to travel.."

"Shit.", I thought. 

Should I ask him, why would he want to date me? I'm an abusive friend and probably be an abusive girlfriend to him. And he knows that he deserves better.

I stared at my phone screen. Watched his status going from "online" to "last seen" and "last seen" to back "online" again. Eight minutes later. It was 1:38 AM now. My head felt heavier. I felt happy and sad both and I didn't know why. I sent, "Why would you date me? Why not other girls? Why me? I'm depressed and paranoid and suicidal.. "

The chat status was now, "typing..". I waited and felt my heart racing. I was ready to be disappointed again but still secretly hoping for him to say something like Park did to Eleanor. God, I was going to cry.

"Because, you're an idiot. And you're beautiful. Inside and out. And I know that you don't believe me but it's true. It sucks that you don't know it. I miss you when we are not talking and I love when we talk or when we skype. I love your eyes and your smile. I wish I could see them, I wish I could see you. I want to hug you and do things together with you. I hate it when you get a crush on jerk guys and when they break your heart. I hate it when your parents are mean to you. I hate it when your filthyhead brother does things to you. I want to kill him for touching you, damaging you. I hate to hurt you. I hate that I can't make you happy. I want you to be happy.. I want you to live. I want to save you. I want to love you... I want you."

I was smiling and I had tears in my eyes. I couldn't believe that he said all of it. It felt beautiful, so fucking beautiful that it hurt. But this pain didn't make me want to kill myself. This pain made me want to live. And for the first time in 4 years, I wanted to live. I questioned myself, "Isn't it what I wanted? Isn't it what I wished for?" And, Yes, it was. 

His chat status was again changing from "last seen" to "online" and "online" to "last seen". I kept rereading the text that he sent. I tried to fathom my words into a sentence but I couldn't. 

At 1:43 AM, I finally replied.

"Listen.."

"Yea?"

"I love you."

":) I love you too"

"I should sleep now. It's late"

"Yea.."

"Good night."

"Good night. :) Sleep well, I'll talk to you tomorrow."

":)"

We humans are the biggest liars and hypocrites when it comes to accepting our feelings. When we try to befriend a person online, we convince ourselves that the person is real but when we start to fall in love with the same person, we start convincing ourselves that it's not real. Nothing about the person, or the feeling is real. 

"Every night.."

Every night the sadness, 

Overpowers the sanity in her.

She lies paralyzed in the cold bed,

As the sadness carves out a void in her chest.

She says, "Things seem better when I'm not awake."

Someone hug her tight and prove her wrong for God's sake.

Do you?

Do you smile or grimace,

when you see my name flashing, 

on your phone screen?

Do you think about me,

as much as I think about you,

when I wake up and fall back asleep?

Do you like my company,

or wish to be left alone,

when things start to fall apart?

Do you find me,

annoying or wonderful when,

I tell you about my day?

Do you miss me,

when we are not talking?

Do you wish we could be something, 
more than what we are now?
Do you wish we lived closer,
so we could know each better?

A voice is screaming in her head,

Struggling to break free, 

and get lost in the air.

It's once again, 

hard to figure out,

whether it's pain or fear.

Eyes are tired, 

of holding back the tears,

that've been trapped, 

with all the unhealthy emotions.

Overwhelmed by her own feelings,

She wishes to escape to a place,

and feel numb again.

Digging her nails,

into her own skin,

She's hoping for the physical pain, 

to overcome the emotional pain.

It's starting to get bad again,

She's falling into the darkest hole,

that's been created in her own head.

Untitled

I hope the unhealthy thoughts die, 
as soon as I type them on this paper. 
I'm really sorry, 
but I'm tempted to harm myself again tonight, 
for the things I failed to accomplish.
And I know you are going to stop me,
and tell me I'm perfect ,
but I know it's not true.
The truth is that I'm not okay. 
The truth is that I'm pretty damaged. 
The truth is that I'm easily replaceable, 
and I hate being so. 
When I raise my hand, 
they try to reach for the blades instead of pens. 
They try to paint my arms red with the razor,
when I try to pour myself out on a paper.
Being aware of all the beautiful things in the world,
I'd never choose myself over someone who is better.
But I want you to choose me.
I know that's insane,
but I really want you to choose me.

Not enough.

She is that wounded person,

who has been trying, 

to protect and fix, 

everything for everyone;

because she knows,

how it feels when everything,

falls apart.

But that's not enough.

She is being their warm, 

and safe duvet trying ,

to put everyone back to sleep; 

keeping them from, 

screaming in horror,

while the monsters of the night,

fill the room with,

chilled daunting aura.

But that's not enough.

She holds their hand when,

they decide to start all over again. 

But that's not enough. 

She has been taking, 

their cuts and scratches, 

and sucking up the poison, 

but that's not enough. 

Nothing she does is enough. 

Someone make her stop.

Life is too short to live for, 

someone who doesn't care.

She is running out strength. 

She is running out of hope.

She is running out of love. 

She is running out of air.

She can't do it anymore,

Someone do her a favor,

Give her back her smile,

and bring her back to her life.

Left like nothing ever existed

You told me that 
you'd help,
but you walked away.
You told me that 
you cared,
but you didn't even 
look my way.
You told me that 
you'd be there,
But you weren't.
You told me that 
you'd be a friend,
but abandoned.
You told me that 
you'd never leave
but you did.
You told me that 
you weren't the same
but you were.
You did everything 
that you told me,
you wouldn't do.
And you were everything 
that you told me,
you were not.

You lied,
You stole my secrets.
You made me believe 
That you were different
And left 
Like nothing 
Ever existed.

Trust

Trust is a fragile thing.
Keep it all to yourself.
Don't say anything.
Don't trust anyone.
Don't open up and
Invest yourself.
You get hurt only when,
You invest yourself.
When you trust someone,
And invest yourself,
You give away,
A part of yourself.
They take that part of you,
And forget about it.
Sometimes they burn it,
Down to ashes.
Sometimes they throw it,
On the ground,
Crush it into,
Thousand tiny pieces,
And walk over it,
Like nothing ever existed.

What I don't want

I don't want another "No"

I don't want another,

"I don't want to talk to you"

I don't want another,

"You are too nice"

I don't want another,

"You are too sweet"

I don't want another,

"You are too far away"

But this is exactly what I don't want.

It's another "You are too far away"

It's another "You are too sweet"

It's another "You are too nice"

It's another "I don't want to talk to you"

Yes, it's just another "No"

Those three nights

I've been thinking about,

the last three nights that

I spent with you, singing, smiling

and listening to your lovely voice.

The songs that you sang to me

are still stuck in my head.

I think about it every night

while I lay awake in my bed.

I've caught myself smiling while thinking

about those three nights.

But I'm afraid to tell you,

how beautiful those three nights were.

I'm afraid to tell you,

I won't mind staying up all night

to see your face again.

I'm afraid and that's all.

I want to suppress my feelings 

and try to keep a distance,

so you don't hurt me like everyone else

in any way.

Dammit. I have to keep myself occupied

and forget those three nights.

Last Notes!

Letter #1

Dear Mum and Dad,

I’m sorry I am dead. I’m sorry I couldn’t make you happy and proud before dying. Today when you left, I found out your son has been filming me secretly. I don’t know for how long he had been doing that. I found five videos of me sleeping, on his laptop. He may have also filmed me while I was changing my clothes. I couldn't find more videos. His laptop’s camera was on and it was facing my bed when I decided to check his laptop to see if he was spying on me again and yes he was. He has done that before too. He had taken my half naked pictures before. I wish you had done something when I told you that he used to grope me in my sleep. That happened for a year and now this. I don’t know what to do. I don't even feel like a person anymore. I just feel like a cheap sex toy. First molestation, then taking my inappropriate pictures and now secretly filming me while I sleep. The only thing that is left is finding those pictures and videos on the internet in a porn site. I know, you love your son but he makes me sick. I was thinking of forgiving him and moving on but I cannot. I cannot live in the same room with him. I deleted the videos. I think he has more of it but I can’t find them. He has given me a wound that doesn't heal and a scar that's gonna remain forever if I stayed alive. I’m sorry that this is all in English but I suck at speaking/writing Hindi. I love you both a lot. Please know that. And I’m sorry I’m being selfish but I want to bleed out right now.

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Letter #2

Dear Diyanah,

I hope you're alright babe. I hope you get enough strength to face the problems. I hope you find someone who gives you unconditional love. Someone who makes you feel beautiful. I don't have much to say. Thanks for being there for me and listening to all of my rants. I'm sorry I'm leaving. I still remember the last words that you said to me. You are beautiful and you deserve better. I want you to get better and live. I love you. 

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Letter #3

Dear Marko,

There's this huge conversation gap between us and I didn't get enough time to fix it. I actually felt tired all the time and I couldn't do that. I caused you a lot of troubles when we were closer. I hope you get to move out and live your dreams. I'm probably dead by now. Please don't do this to yourself as well, okay? It will get better. Take care of Raed and yourself of course. I love you. 

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Letter #4

Dear Tony,

I'm sorry about my messy head. I never got a chance to apologize nicely. You are a great person. You did make an impact in my life. And dude, for one last time, I need you to know that I'm not in parasocial relationship with you. I did have a crush on you but I don't even think about you anymore. More than being your lover, I wanted to be your friend. Thanks for making me feel better in my bad days. I hope you find love. Don't kill yourself. I love you.

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Letter #5

Dear Juan,

Goddammit you said you'd post a new selfie! You haven't yet. And now I'm dead. Bummer. I'm pretty sure you're a 50 year old man! :O Nah, just Kidding. I am sorry I didn't tell you a lot of things. I didn't want to scare you away I guess. Apparently, I'm one of those suicidal freaks, huh? Miss me, Juan. I love you. Fix your sleeping schedule mister! xD

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Letter #6

Dear Meraz,

Sorry. I should have told you. I don't know what greatness you see in me. I'm thankful for having a friend like you. Thanks for saving me. Thanks for being there. I don't want to saved this time. I'm ending this. I love you. I hope you have a great life. I hope you get to marry the girl you love. She's so lucky to have you. Tell her, I love her too.

-------------------------------------------------

Letter #7

Dear Sunakshi di, Aditi, Adeeba, Ayushi, Laddoo and Nida,

I miss talking to you guys but I don't really come forward and talk to you because I really cannot and I don't know what to say anymore. You guys have always been there to support me. You all are such strong women. I cannot thank you all enough. I think you'd understand why I did this. I love you guys. Hope you all have great lives.

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Letter #8

Dear Minhaz,

I didn't think we'd turn into such good friends. Well I really hope you did think of me as a good friend and you weren't using me. It felt good to know that someone cared. Miss me, Minhaj. Miss me. You're an awesome person. Stay that way. I guess you and others from the class now know the reason that has kept me sad. And why I didn't care about what my brother did. Good luck for the upcoming exams. Love ya and others.

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Letter #9

Dear Sir,

You know who you are and that's why I'm not mentioning your name. I'm not sure if you'd like it or not and that's why I'm not mentioning it here. It's always been great talking to you. I love how we could talk for hours about anything and everything. From college rantings to pursuing our dreams. I never told you about my problems but you somehow managed to drift my mind and also showed me the right path. I guess I am not going to be a writer and you won't be clicking my picture since I'm ending my journey before even starting it. I have respected you a lot. You are a great person and only a few people realize that. I hope you get live your dreams. Please take care of yourself.

----------------------------------------------------------

Letter #10

Dear Jesse,

Ah dude, we just started talking again this is how it is ending. Damn, we couldn't even skype. I know you have a hard life too. I hope it becomes a little easier. I really don't have a lot to say. We kind of have similar views on life and other things. I'm glad to meet and know someone like you before dying. You are the last person to make me feel so happy. Thanks for that. May be we'll meet in another life and do all the things that we planned to do in this life.  BYE AMERICAN BEST FRIEND. I LOVE YOU.

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Letter #11

Dear Abhishek dada,

Uh I screwed it up huh. I have been feeling terribly since the day I called out on you on my blog. You did know what he did to me and that's when you told me that you'd be my brother and protect me. I do respect you a lot and I love you a lot. I just screw it up sometimes. I wish we talked more. You are a great brother and an amazing kind human. I hope you become super successful in life. Thanks for making me happy dada. Wish I could meet you and have the "real" and good sibling experience. And like I promised you long ago, I would have bought you a watch.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Letter #12

Dear Raed,

Don't frown or get pissed off because I wrote your letter last. Dude, I was trying to save the best for the last. I talk to you so much and it's still not enough for me. And wish you could just see how hard it is for me. One of the saddest thing in my life is that you don't understand me or life. I don't tell people anything about my anxiety or depression and bad life and they think I overreact. I tell you everything and you think just like them. I don't take depression as an excuse for my actions but you were supposed to understand. I know you will probably think that I overreacted and exaggerated this. And suicide is a terrible excuse for what my brother did to me. But it's not just that. You are supposed to know that DAMMIT! You were supposed to give me strength rather than calling me weak and coward. I won't be troubling you anymore. Yay Shgt is dying!

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Letter #13

Dear Everyone else,

Thank you so much if you have ever made me smile or have just stayed in my life while I was going through bad phase. Thanks a lot. Thanks for being there for me and supporting me. Thanks for making me feel loved. You all are great. I hope you guys get to see happy days. Forgive me for all the lame, pathetic stuffs I did. I love you guys a lot. I really do.

---------------------------------------------------------------

P.S. I'm alive. I'm not dead. Sorry for giving you a minor  heart attack there. I started typing this out with an intention to post it on my blog as a suicide note. I was going to kill myself. I had a good opportunity since my parents were out of town and I was alone and my brother wasn't here either. I don't regret typing it out and posting it on my blog because it just made me feel a little better and hopefully I won't die tonight. I was definitely trying to kill myself by making deeper cuts on my skin. But none of them were deep enough to bleed me out. I'm also sorry for mentioning/not mentioning your names. Please don't try to help me by asking a social worker or psychiatrist to see/read this. Things will get better. I know that. If you know me in person then don't give me "I'm sorry, Shriti" look. Also try not to ever mention this at college or to anyone who hasn't read it yet.

Old conversation

The old conversation is something 

that I keep close to my heart.

It reminds me of your kindness,

the humble being that you were to me.

It reminds me that you did care,

when you wrote those words.

It keeps me from hating you.

The problem with me

The problem with me is that

I keep asking too many questions,

And I keep looking for the reasons.

"Don't you know that I miss you?"

"Why did you leave me?"

"Why did you stop talking to me?"

"Why did you choose someone else over me?"

"What was it?"

"Was it something that I did?"

Or may be the problem with me is that

I blame it all on myself.

"I am too ugly."

"I am too clingy."

"I care too much."

"I am so annoying."

No wait,

May be the problem with me is that

I still think you care.

I still think you're a nice person

I still think you miss me.

I still think those words cannot be a lie.

And those actions cannot be just pretense.

You must have felt something inside your heart, at least once?

What am I saying?

It cannot be that.

No, not at all.

The only problem with me is that,

I just expect too much.

Maybe

Maybe everyone does it fine.

Maybe everyone takes out time,

To make a stranger smile;

Every once in a while.

Maybe it's nothing special to be like the moon or the sun.

Maybe it's no big deal to try to fix a person,

Even when you can't fix yourself;

And constantly feel like an old unread book on the shelf.

Maybe I'm not the only one who survived.

Maybe being sleep deprived,

Has nothing to do with being bitter.

Maybe next time, I'll do it better.

I don't know where to start from. Life is so weird. Life is dominating. You have to keep your ego aside and do what life wants you to do. Things change, people leave and memories fade away. There's no doubt that I'm stressed and depressed and no matter how much I try to hide, it's still there on my face. I don't know why I want almost everything perfect. I don't know why I fear failure so much. I don't know why I love my parents so much. I don't know why I step back from doing things that I want to just because it'll hurt my parents.

I'm 20 now, why can't I make my own decisions? Why do I need to think about them? I want to break free. I'm so different from my parents. It makes me wonder if I was adopted or something. It's not the first time that these kind of thoughts are crossing my mind. I wonder if I'll ever be happy. I hope it's not too late by then.

I'm in my 3rd year of engineering and have I really enjoyed my college life or did something really crazy or something that's worth remembering? No, I haven't yet. I hope, I do soon.

If I'm not going to live my dreams then I want to live at least one day on my own.. like I really really want to be happy without being worried about anything. No phone calls, no texts, no rush of going back home. Nothing. Just me and the things I want to enjoy.

Well if you're going to continue reading this post then I'm really sorry, this will get random and really long. I haven't talked to a lot of my close friends in a while. I tried to talk to some but they don't even have time to reply. May be they have more important things to do. I'm constantly being ignored by the people I care about the most. People say, never be in a friendship(or any other kind of relationship) that hurts and that makes you feel bad about yourself. But what do you do when it's the friendship that also gives you the strength to fight against the odds? I was in one such dilemma for a long time and I chose the friend, I chose our friendship.

I kind of realized that I do make a couple of people happy even though they live miles away from where I live. Well I'm not sure if I do because they could be just saying it but I still hope that I do and they really mean it when they say it.. I fall in love with words, pictures, things and people easily but I also hate them and that's probably my biggest issue.

I'm not a good looking person. Of course I do look good in my "selfies" but trust me you would hate me if you saw me in person. Now, that pretty much gives you the idea that I hate my appearance. Yes, I do. I have hated it since I was 10 but I started hating it more after I turned 16, when one of my "best friends" was too ashamed to host the Teachers' day event with me. You know, it doesn't matter what the entire world thinks about you but it matters when your friend or parents are ashamed of your appearance or call you "fat" or give you any other kind of names. It's been almost 4 years but that thing still stings. Aparently, that thing never stopped. I forgave them. School ended. Best friends left. We are now in college and we have new friends but even these friends do the same thing. It kind of sucks more when unexpected people/friends do so but you really can't react or tell them that you felt bad because they are not wrong. You are ugly, you are fat and you are insecure.

If you're fat, people will definitely pass a comment on you while you eat.

"Stop eating fatty, you'll explode"

"Hey fatty, don't eat the whole thing, leave something for other people"

"I think the entire cafeteria's food will be less for you"

It's basically like, if you're fat and you're eating in public, it's a sin.. well not just that actually, 'cause even if you don't eat, people will say something again-

"Are you on diet or something? If yes then it's good. You should lose some weight and may be then someone will love you"

And when you react to such comment by leaving or staying quiet or frowning.. the reaction you will get is,

"Hey, don't get mad. I even call my sister 'fat' and she is not fat actually. I call everyone 'fat'"

"Don't be mad at me, please? I consider you a very good friend that's why I mess around with you.."

There was a time when I was so overly depressed with these comments that I started skipping my meals and also my favorite food for months. I don't remember. I still get these comments more than once in my day.. It sucks when "fatty" or "fatso" becomes your new name. I try to overlook and forget it but I can't completely. I do want it to affect me sometimes so that I start skipping meals again.

I know a lot of people will read this. Even people from my college but not my friends and no one will ever know how it feels. How much it makes me hate myself more.

I think, I sort of started liking myself a bit when I met this guy in a public bus who liked me the way I was. I haven't seen him in a while. It's been more than a month. I don't want to befriend him or maybe I do but he seems like a buttonhead jerk to me so nah. But I do miss seeing him. 

I actually wanted to write about a lot of other things but now it's just something that idek.