I think about it a lot.

I think about the endings a lot. End of my existence to be specific. I wonder how things will be when I’m gone. How will they find it out? What will be their reaction? Who is going to cry the most? Who is going to regret the most? Are they going to remember me? How long will it take for my memories to fade away from their lives? What is their favorite memory with me? What will they miss the most about me? Will they miss me at all? Will they refer to me as the girl who was funny? Or someone who loved ice cream? Or the girl whose bluetooth device name was pizza? Or will they remember me as the girl who always looked sad but laughed till her stomach hurt? Will they remember me as the smart chick with nerdy glasses who got the highest marks in the class? Or as the girl who used to be short, chubby and not pretty at all? Will they remember me as the girl who loved to take photographs? What will they do or think about me after finding out about the suicide? Will there be rumors at my college? What will be the different theories for my suicide? Will the people I call friends, understand this? Will they forgive me? Will they regret not being able to help me?

Last Notes!

Letter #1

Dear Mum and Dad,

I’m sorry I am dead. I’m sorry I couldn’t make you happy and proud before dying. Today when you left, I found out your son has been filming me secretly. I don’t know for how long he had been doing that. I found five videos of me sleeping, on his laptop. He may have also filmed me while I was changing my clothes. I couldn't find more videos. His laptop’s camera was on and it was facing my bed when I decided to check his laptop to see if he was spying on me again and yes he was. He has done that before too. He had taken my half naked pictures before. I wish you had done something when I told you that he used to grope me in my sleep. That happened for a year and now this. I don’t know what to do. I don't even feel like a person anymore. I just feel like a cheap sex toy. First molestation, then taking my inappropriate pictures and now secretly filming me while I sleep. The only thing that is left is finding those pictures and videos on the internet in a porn site. I know, you love your son but he makes me sick. I was thinking of forgiving him and moving on but I cannot. I cannot live in the same room with him. I deleted the videos. I think he has more of it but I can’t find them. He has given me a wound that doesn't heal and a scar that's gonna remain forever if I stayed alive. I’m sorry that this is all in English but I suck at speaking/writing Hindi. I love you both a lot. Please know that. And I’m sorry I’m being selfish but I want to bleed out right now.

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Letter #2

Dear Diyanah,

I hope you're alright babe. I hope you get enough strength to face the problems. I hope you find someone who gives you unconditional love. Someone who makes you feel beautiful. I don't have much to say. Thanks for being there for me and listening to all of my rants. I'm sorry I'm leaving. I still remember the last words that you said to me. You are beautiful and you deserve better. I want you to get better and live. I love you. 

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Letter #3

Dear Marko,

There's this huge conversation gap between us and I didn't get enough time to fix it. I actually felt tired all the time and I couldn't do that. I caused you a lot of troubles when we were closer. I hope you get to move out and live your dreams. I'm probably dead by now. Please don't do this to yourself as well, okay? It will get better. Take care of Raed and yourself of course. I love you. 

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Letter #4

Dear Tony,

I'm sorry about my messy head. I never got a chance to apologize nicely. You are a great person. You did make an impact in my life. And dude, for one last time, I need you to know that I'm not in parasocial relationship with you. I did have a crush on you but I don't even think about you anymore. More than being your lover, I wanted to be your friend. Thanks for making me feel better in my bad days. I hope you find love. Don't kill yourself. I love you.

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Letter #5

Dear Juan,

Goddammit you said you'd post a new selfie! You haven't yet. And now I'm dead. Bummer. I'm pretty sure you're a 50 year old man! :O Nah, just Kidding. I am sorry I didn't tell you a lot of things. I didn't want to scare you away I guess. Apparently, I'm one of those suicidal freaks, huh? Miss me, Juan. I love you. Fix your sleeping schedule mister! xD

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Letter #6

Dear Meraz,

Sorry. I should have told you. I don't know what greatness you see in me. I'm thankful for having a friend like you. Thanks for saving me. Thanks for being there. I don't want to saved this time. I'm ending this. I love you. I hope you have a great life. I hope you get to marry the girl you love. She's so lucky to have you. Tell her, I love her too.

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Letter #7

Dear Sunakshi di, Aditi, Adeeba, Ayushi, Laddoo and Nida,

I miss talking to you guys but I don't really come forward and talk to you because I really cannot and I don't know what to say anymore. You guys have always been there to support me. You all are such strong women. I cannot thank you all enough. I think you'd understand why I did this. I love you guys. Hope you all have great lives.

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Letter #8

Dear Minhaz,

I didn't think we'd turn into such good friends. Well I really hope you did think of me as a good friend and you weren't using me. It felt good to know that someone cared. Miss me, Minhaj. Miss me. You're an awesome person. Stay that way. I guess you and others from the class now know the reason that has kept me sad. And why I didn't care about what my brother did. Good luck for the upcoming exams. Love ya and others.

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Letter #9

Dear Sir,

You know who you are and that's why I'm not mentioning your name. I'm not sure if you'd like it or not and that's why I'm not mentioning it here. It's always been great talking to you. I love how we could talk for hours about anything and everything. From college rantings to pursuing our dreams. I never told you about my problems but you somehow managed to drift my mind and also showed me the right path. I guess I am not going to be a writer and you won't be clicking my picture since I'm ending my journey before even starting it. I have respected you a lot. You are a great person and only a few people realize that. I hope you get live your dreams. Please take care of yourself.

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Letter #10

Dear Jesse,

Ah dude, we just started talking again this is how it is ending. Damn, we couldn't even skype. I know you have a hard life too. I hope it becomes a little easier. I really don't have a lot to say. We kind of have similar views on life and other things. I'm glad to meet and know someone like you before dying. You are the last person to make me feel so happy. Thanks for that. May be we'll meet in another life and do all the things that we planned to do in this life.  BYE AMERICAN BEST FRIEND. I LOVE YOU.

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Letter #11

Dear Abhishek dada,

Uh I screwed it up huh. I have been feeling terribly since the day I called out on you on my blog. You did know what he did to me and that's when you told me that you'd be my brother and protect me. I do respect you a lot and I love you a lot. I just screw it up sometimes. I wish we talked more. You are a great brother and an amazing kind human. I hope you become super successful in life. Thanks for making me happy dada. Wish I could meet you and have the "real" and good sibling experience. And like I promised you long ago, I would have bought you a watch.

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Letter #12

Dear Raed,

Don't frown or get pissed off because I wrote your letter last. Dude, I was trying to save the best for the last. I talk to you so much and it's still not enough for me. And wish you could just see how hard it is for me. One of the saddest thing in my life is that you don't understand me or life. I don't tell people anything about my anxiety or depression and bad life and they think I overreact. I tell you everything and you think just like them. I don't take depression as an excuse for my actions but you were supposed to understand. I know you will probably think that I overreacted and exaggerated this. And suicide is a terrible excuse for what my brother did to me. But it's not just that. You are supposed to know that DAMMIT! You were supposed to give me strength rather than calling me weak and coward. I won't be troubling you anymore. Yay Shgt is dying!

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Letter #13

Dear Everyone else,

Thank you so much if you have ever made me smile or have just stayed in my life while I was going through bad phase. Thanks a lot. Thanks for being there for me and supporting me. Thanks for making me feel loved. You all are great. I hope you guys get to see happy days. Forgive me for all the lame, pathetic stuffs I did. I love you guys a lot. I really do.

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P.S. I'm alive. I'm not dead. Sorry for giving you a minor  heart attack there. I started typing this out with an intention to post it on my blog as a suicide note. I was going to kill myself. I had a good opportunity since my parents were out of town and I was alone and my brother wasn't here either. I don't regret typing it out and posting it on my blog because it just made me feel a little better and hopefully I won't die tonight. I was definitely trying to kill myself by making deeper cuts on my skin. But none of them were deep enough to bleed me out. I'm also sorry for mentioning/not mentioning your names. Please don't try to help me by asking a social worker or psychiatrist to see/read this. Things will get better. I know that. If you know me in person then don't give me "I'm sorry, Shriti" look. Also try not to ever mention this at college or to anyone who hasn't read it yet.

Mother, Father..

Oh, hey there father,

And hello mother.

Sorry to show up so late at night,

But I heard you two had another fight?

Well, it's nothing new,

You have done that before too.

You two are pretty good at bouncing back to "normal" though,

But let's not forget that it's been more than twenty years now.

Well, dear father,

Do you know where's your daughter?

And dear mother,

Didn't you know she has been painting her skin red with that razor?

Why didn't you try to know?

Can't you see she has been feeling low?

When will this end?

She doesn't even have a friend.

You wanted her to live life, the way you wanted,

Thanks to you she has always been taken for granted.

But it's okay, you can carry on your fight,

She is strong and hopefully she won't kill herself tonight.

I don't know where to start from. Life is so weird. Life is dominating. You have to keep your ego aside and do what life wants you to do. Things change, people leave and memories fade away. There's no doubt that I'm stressed and depressed and no matter how much I try to hide, it's still there on my face. I don't know why I want almost everything perfect. I don't know why I fear failure so much. I don't know why I love my parents so much. I don't know why I step back from doing things that I want to just because it'll hurt my parents.

I'm 20 now, why can't I make my own decisions? Why do I need to think about them? I want to break free. I'm so different from my parents. It makes me wonder if I was adopted or something. It's not the first time that these kind of thoughts are crossing my mind. I wonder if I'll ever be happy. I hope it's not too late by then.

I'm in my 3rd year of engineering and have I really enjoyed my college life or did something really crazy or something that's worth remembering? No, I haven't yet. I hope, I do soon.

If I'm not going to live my dreams then I want to live at least one day on my own.. like I really really want to be happy without being worried about anything. No phone calls, no texts, no rush of going back home. Nothing. Just me and the things I want to enjoy.

Well if you're going to continue reading this post then I'm really sorry, this will get random and really long. I haven't talked to a lot of my close friends in a while. I tried to talk to some but they don't even have time to reply. May be they have more important things to do. I'm constantly being ignored by the people I care about the most. People say, never be in a friendship(or any other kind of relationship) that hurts and that makes you feel bad about yourself. But what do you do when it's the friendship that also gives you the strength to fight against the odds? I was in one such dilemma for a long time and I chose the friend, I chose our friendship.

I kind of realized that I do make a couple of people happy even though they live miles away from where I live. Well I'm not sure if I do because they could be just saying it but I still hope that I do and they really mean it when they say it.. I fall in love with words, pictures, things and people easily but I also hate them and that's probably my biggest issue.

I'm not a good looking person. Of course I do look good in my "selfies" but trust me you would hate me if you saw me in person. Now, that pretty much gives you the idea that I hate my appearance. Yes, I do. I have hated it since I was 10 but I started hating it more after I turned 16, when one of my "best friends" was too ashamed to host the Teachers' day event with me. You know, it doesn't matter what the entire world thinks about you but it matters when your friend or parents are ashamed of your appearance or call you "fat" or give you any other kind of names. It's been almost 4 years but that thing still stings. Aparently, that thing never stopped. I forgave them. School ended. Best friends left. We are now in college and we have new friends but even these friends do the same thing. It kind of sucks more when unexpected people/friends do so but you really can't react or tell them that you felt bad because they are not wrong. You are ugly, you are fat and you are insecure.

If you're fat, people will definitely pass a comment on you while you eat.

"Stop eating fatty, you'll explode"

"Hey fatty, don't eat the whole thing, leave something for other people"

"I think the entire cafeteria's food will be less for you"

It's basically like, if you're fat and you're eating in public, it's a sin.. well not just that actually, 'cause even if you don't eat, people will say something again-

"Are you on diet or something? If yes then it's good. You should lose some weight and may be then someone will love you"

And when you react to such comment by leaving or staying quiet or frowning.. the reaction you will get is,

"Hey, don't get mad. I even call my sister 'fat' and she is not fat actually. I call everyone 'fat'"

"Don't be mad at me, please? I consider you a very good friend that's why I mess around with you.."

There was a time when I was so overly depressed with these comments that I started skipping my meals and also my favorite food for months. I don't remember. I still get these comments more than once in my day.. It sucks when "fatty" or "fatso" becomes your new name. I try to overlook and forget it but I can't completely. I do want it to affect me sometimes so that I start skipping meals again.

I know a lot of people will read this. Even people from my college but not my friends and no one will ever know how it feels. How much it makes me hate myself more.

I think, I sort of started liking myself a bit when I met this guy in a public bus who liked me the way I was. I haven't seen him in a while. It's been more than a month. I don't want to befriend him or maybe I do but he seems like a buttonhead jerk to me so nah. But I do miss seeing him. 

I actually wanted to write about a lot of other things but now it's just something that idek.

You are as good as a dead person if the only people who talks to you is your family. They talk to you and you hear and listen but when you try to talk back they can't even hear you or see you. They can't see how miserable and lonely you are.

She did what they wanted her to do.

They asked her to let it all out. "All the feelings that hurt you, all the thoughts that make you miserable, just say it and throw them away.." She wiped her tears and said in a whimpering tone, "Alright, I will.."

She took their advice because she wanted to get better. She did what they said. But, it was hard for them too. Too see so much pain and thoughts trapped inside her. Everyday, it was a new story, a new kind of bad day which never seemed to end for her or them. But more than getting sad, they were getting tired of seeing her like that. Hating herself, skipping meals, self harming, crying herself to sleep and trying to kill herself. 

One day they couldn't take it. They wanted her to stop speaking of death. They said, "You are hurting us. It hurts to see you like this. Please don't do this. And you know what? People have it much worse. But they don't want to die. They don't speak of dying. Goddamn! JUST APPRECIATE YOUR LIFE! NOBODY LOVES A SAD PERSON, DON'T YOU GET IT?"  

She sat numb there, staring at nothing. She knew that nobody loves a sad person, they didn't have to throw it at her like that.. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.. yeah, you're right. I should probably go now.." she said with a broken smile and went to her room. 

Next morning, everything was different for them. She seemed better, she was smiling and although she was talking a lot about the normal things and normal life like normal people but she was quieter than ever. 

Her thoughts are like tangled wires that block her throat. She started to keep everything to herself because it's what they wanted.  They think that she is fine and better than before but only she knows that she is not fine. Those thoughts and feeling still haunt her and something still 'causes the pain but she tries to smile it away. Someday, these feelings and thoughts will explode and consume her and it will be too late to save her. Who will they blame then?

Birthday update! o_o

Caution: Long post ahead! 

Wheeeeeee O_O Guess whose day went surprisingly awesome? :o Well, I am gonna post everything about it. I told someone about it, yesterday and I hope he wasn't annoyed. So let's start from the beginning. 

Like I had mentioned, people on twitter were already talking about my birthday and so was I! As the clock striked 12, My mention tab started to flood. Then, I got a phone call. It was from Sunakshi di. I talked to her for the first time. She wished me birthday and we talked a bit. Later, Nida, Abhishek dada, Noreen, Vikas, Ankit, Baburao, Chindi chor, Farji Engineer, Mahan Vyakti(sorry I don't remember their real name o_o) Shravan, and Amey and everyone else on twitter wished me. Amey called me up too. And yes, I talked to him for the first time over the phone! :P Haha, awkward but sweet.

Umm, my inbox and twitter mention both started flooding but my facebook was still dead sadly. I didn't know how my day was going to be or anything. But I felt happy and loved at that moment. I was constantly talking to one person at that time. And I was actually arguing. But we got over it soon. The mentions, the phone calls, whatsapp chat and everything was pleasing. And, of course, it's priceless when you ask someone to do something special and they do it. xD

I fell asleep around 1:40 AM and woke up around 5:30 AM. I checked my phone. I had an unread text from someone. When I saw the number, I knew who it was. It was Marko. Although, I was sleepy, I almost got tears but I felt good.. It was special. He was my best friend once. I couldn't fall asleep after that so I laid there awake. Around 7 am I got up and started to get ready. And at the same time mum woke up and came to my room. I was getting ready. She looked at my dress and she was like "It's 7th right? Your birthday is tomorrow, no?" I was a lil annoyed so I said, "yeah.." Then she checked her phone and calendar and she came running and hugged and apologized and wished me birthday haha. The she rushed towards her room to tell dad about it. After few mins, I heard my dad asking someone to get a chocolate cake with "Happy Birthday Lovely" written on it.

Now, while waiting for the college bus downstairs, I kept getting birthday wishes on my phone. Then when the bus came and as I stepped inside, I heard my college mates saying "HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHRITI" and I smiled and giggled and said "Thank you ^_^" Then one by one my juniors started wishing me, it was sweet. c":

On my way to college, I couldn't help but smile thinking of all the wishes.. :o Then, when I reached college and went to my department building and entered my classroom, one girl was like "Hey look!" And they all looked at me and she complimented me and everyone else smiled. Since none of them were aware of it, we were  studying and discussing about the test! Then Nutan walked in and wished me. Krishna who was standing next to me was like, "DAMMIT SHRITI! YOU SAID IT'S ON 9TH" I giggled.

Others wished me one by one and the girl who had complimented me, hugged me tight. And then, Krishna wished me and was like "Hey, we cannot hug each other but happy birthday!" and shook hands and we both laughed. o_o

During the test. Well we got the questions changed since we had studied the wrong unit 'cause of a misprinting! :P It went okay-ish. Then we had our photo session. I decided to go to chemical stream's class. There, another girl told me that I was looking good in the new dress. So I told her that it's 'cause of my birthday. And everyone else in the class heard that and they started singing the birthday song for me! o_o I giggled again (I know, I giggle a lot) and then we were taken to a lab for making a new video. It was boring and annoying. I even got a lil angry! 

When it was done, we all were heading towards the class and when we reached class, Krishna told me that he was hungry and so were the other guys so I offered him my lunch box. Other guys joined him as well and then one guy was like, "Hey it's her birthday, did you wish her?" I turned around and it was Shubham!!! And I was like "Omg you!" and then he grabbed neck from behind like he always does and then he side hugged me tightly and I was like "AAAH NO STOP!" And then he wished and said, "I was looking for you and I even called you a couple of times! Where's your phone? Ah, forget it! Where's my party?" and a lot of stuffs like that. He wants me to take him to KFC on 10th. I am glad that he hung out with me for a while. I never thought he would. Shubham is the only person who keeps arguing with me. We both love to hate each other. 

Soon when we had to go to the pharmacy building for another photography session, I saw Bhavesh walking towards me. And we both were smiling. He wished me and everyone who was sitting on the staircase stood up and wished me. It was sweet. We didn't have the viva!

When the day was done and everyone else was ready to go home, 3 guys including Krishna asked me to give them a treat so we decided to go to the cafeteria building.. I asked a couple of girls if they wanted to join but they were too tired so they refused. Krishna stopped there and asked as to go ahead and told us that he'd come in a bit. 

On our way to the cafeteria building, I met Nazm and she wished me and apologized for wishing late. I asked her not to worry about it. And then 3 more girls walked towards me, hugged me and wished me birthday and told me that they were arguing about the date.. since I had lied to everyone that my birthday was on 9th :P They even got a lil mad for lying! :o

So, we went to the cafeteria building, ordered food and when we were eating, Krishna came and said, "Stop eating so much fatty or else you'll burst like a balloon!" and it hurt me so I was like, "YOU LOVE TO RUIN MY DAY, DON YOU?" I grabbed my bag pack and left. I saw Nazm with her friends. So I went to her. Her friends wished me birthday as well and we talked. I didn't tell Nazm about what happened a bit ago. 

The two guys got me chocolates and said, "Heh, don't ruin your mood. Eat this and calm down! We are leaving, okay?" I smiled and then I told Nazm that I am not going to share my chocolates and everyone laughed. We waited for Rahul to come. o_o Rahul wasn't aware that it was my birthday so when he came, Nazm told him, and he was like, "Omg, you serious? Shriti?" and I was like, "Hahaha, no, she's lying! xD" and then he said, "I'm sorry! I didn't know that, eh happy birthday!" and I giggled and said "Thanks." Then we all walked to the other side of the road. And then they told Veeru about it. And he wished me and offered me peanuts! Yes PEANUTS!! :P And they kept teasing and making me laugh. 

When they left, I walked towards my bus and as I entered, my brother's friend wished me. I kept getting texts and calls through out the day. I was smiling on my way to home. It was good.  When I got home I got more calls even from my childhood best friend. I had never thought, my day would be that awesome. 
Fb was flooding with notifications too and people who had seen me at college and smiled at me but weren't aware of my birthday wished me and seemed a little mad as well. They were like "Couldn't you tell us?" Even Prince called me and apologized and said the same. So I told him that Shubham was aware of it so he started cursing him 'cause he didn't tell him! Everyone made my day so special. It was the best birthday of my life.

Love Marriage or Arranged Marriage?

Love is one of the greatest feelings. Or may be it is the greatest feeling. Everyone has their own definition of love. I have my own definition too. Love can be good, Love can be bad. Love can give you solace, Love can give you pain. Love can also make you want to kill yourself but then that's called quitting. Love is not a quitter. Love is stronger. Love is fighting reality. Love is you fighting for everything.

It is love when you get attached to someone. You cannot deny that fact. And, to make that attachment stronger, you get married. Getting married is probably one of the biggest things that happens to a person. Well, then why are we not allowed to take our own decision? Why are people in our society so stuck up?

In India, when two people get married, it's like "they also get married to each other's family"  But the question is why do our family don't let us to marry our own choices? Getting married to someone you already know from a while or a long while is always better than to marry a complete stranger. A stranger who is a stranger even to our parents.

Our parents have given birth to us. But does it mean we owe them all our life's decisions? I know that every parent only wants the good to happen to their son or daughter. But sometimes, parents don't understand us. All our lives, we do what our parents want us to do so why can't we take at least one decision on our own? If parents really think and know that they have brought up their kids nicely and their kids can never do anything wrong then why do they doubt our choices?

There are too many good things about love marriage. Like, people actually become responsible. And, if anything goes wrong in their married life, they at least wouldn't blame or hate their parents for the rest of their lives. And, we cannot forget that it diminishes the caste or religious differences. Then why is love marriage considered a crime? Love is not illegal. Why do our society kill the lovers who are in a way uniting the fragmented society.

My cousin brother married the love of his life. And so did my cousin sister. And their life's going pretty great. Though, my cousin sister's family had to go through a few embarrassing moments but actually they were not really embarrassing, it was just the society who were gossiping and laughing. 

I remember my Uncle's sad face. I also remember, "my parents" and other relatives laughing at them. A few relatives didn't even come to attend the wedding. My uncle and his family used to laugh at others because of this love marriage thing and today the society is laughing at them. Today it's them, tomorrow it can be you.

The society is just messed up. If two people are happy with each other then what's wrong with it? Why is love marriage considered as ruining your own family status? What if tomorrow your son or daughter tells you that they love someone and they want to marry them? Kill them, hit them, or make them marry your choice? You'll only lose them forever. 

If you make them marry your choice then there's no surety that they'll be happy in their marriage life. No one will be happy. Not your son/daughter or their love or your in-laws. And in case of girls, how will you know if your daughter is safe with the family you have chosen? 

To those whose parents had an arranged marriage, you know it was hard for them. You must have seen that in your own house. Domestic violence. What do you think is the most common reason behind it? The differences. I know things get better and to most of the people it did get better. But you just can't ignore the past.

I know, love marriage often fails and the reason is of course less understanding. And sometimes the reasons are in-laws too. In most cases, they are in-laws. Sometimes the girls do face some problem in adjusting with their new family. 

It can be fixed, you know? Like before getting married, family members can spend some time(like a couple of weeks or months) with their son/daughter's love. Just see how do they treat you and everyone else in the family. Let your son/daughter see or understand the lifestyle. 

Just because society is going to insult you or laugh at you, it doesn't mean you'll ruin your child's happiness. At the end of the day, marriage should be important. Doesn't matter if it's arranged or love. But I would still favor love marriage.

I wonder how would my parents react if I fell in love with someone and we both wanted to marry each other. Mum keeps telling me that if I did anything like what my cousins had already done, it'd kill my dad. On the other hand, mum has also told me how my dad keeps dreaming about my brother's marriage and how he won't mind if he decides to marry his own love/choice. Then why such restrictions for me? I hope they change their thoughts. There's nothing bad about love.


P.S. This is my post for the "Love Marriage ya Arranged Marriage" contest organised by Sony Entertainment Television and Indiblogger. 

Choco's blah blah

Sometimes in life, things never really get better,

We just get used to the things as they are.

We learn to accept them,

And start to compromise.

Let me live?

India is changing. India is this. India is that. Blah blah blah. These are only words. Nothing else. Nothing has changed. It's still the same. People were stuck up then. People are stuck up now!

You call yourself human? Tell me what human is. Being the most superior creature on the earth doesn't make you human.

A couple of days back. Our maid's friend tried to kill herself. She got hit by a train. She is in the hospital right now. She had left a letter for her family in which she wrote about a lot of things. One of those things was, "Papa, you wanted me to kill myself, right? I am going. I am going to kill myself. I'm sorry for every pain I've caused you and mum and everyone." The reason behind her suicide attempt is stupid. I agree to that fact. She's in love with someone and blah blah. I don't know much. When our maid told us about it, my mum's reaction was, "Wow. Why didn't she just go and die if she really wanted to. Why did she leave a letter to blame his dad? If she had died, he'd understand that she did that because of him."

Really, how can she even think or talk about someone like that? She is worried about "getting parents blamed" for the whole suicide act. She is my mother and of course I love her. But such attitude is wrong. A couple of months back, I guess in April, when she had seen scars on my hand, her first reaction was: "Omg, why did you do that? What pain do we give you that you have to do this? Everyone will think we hurt you!"

..My mother was worried about what society is going to think. I didn't really say anything. Though I had done that because of her, her son and other people who made me think like I'm "waste of space" My parents are great. And, I love them. I'll never forgive you if try to hurt them or tried to do any sort of harm. But how they treat me.. hurts me. I hate being at home. I still remember the time when I had dreamed of having an amazing college life and everything but now I am just left with aches and pain.

You can live with all the insults and being caged in a house with all the facilities but I can't. I am not you. I have a life too. Yes, I want to move out. I don't want to be in India. This place has given me so much pain. I am not sure about life in other country but I do deserve a chance. It'll be hard for me to leave my parents behind. I love them way too much. But, I have to go and I want to go.

Parents expect us to fulfill all of their dreams in return of all the facilities they provide us and also expect us to stick to them. Why do we never get asked, what we want? I know I'll be called selfish and all kind of stuffs if I ever leave. To you, it may seem like a simple stupid rant or thought. But you haven't lived my life yet. Go ask my best friends how my days go by. They don't know the whole thing though. Because the only thing I get back is, "I'm sorry. Your parents are weird. Or I don't know what to say.."

Is there anyone who could tell me more than just "I don't know what to say?" I can go on and on with these sort of stuffs. It's not only getting physically and sexually abused. It's more than that. But I'll stop now. I'm sorry for such a long post.  Someone on tumblr told me about this song, "For you by Staind" It's sad that I can relate to every single word of that song. It's like, the song was composed for me.

To my mother, to my father,
It's your son or,

It's your daughter,

Are my screams loud enough for,

You to hear me, should I turn this up for you,

I sit here locked inside my head,
Remembering everything you said,
The silence gets us no where,
Gets us no where way too fast,

The silence is what kills me,
I need someone here to help me,
But you don't know,

How to listen,

And let me make,

My decision,

All your insults and your curses,
Make me feel like I'm not a person,

And I feel like I am nothing,

But you made me so,
Do something,

'Cause I'm ****ed up,
Because you all need attention,
Attention you couldn't give.

....

Changing one person's thought won't change the Indian society. Someone trying to kill themselves or self harming isn't a topic to laugh or gossip about. You never had to try those things. Congratulations. You're lucky. But, few people are not. It's a sad thing that people take such a big step of harming or killing themselves. Stop being so ignorant.