Hope.

"What is it? Why are you not telling me?" He sighed as he placed his hand on hers and held it tight. "..You know that I care about you right? I can't see you like this.. Dying inside slowly, every second. It kills me.."

Everything was quiet. The silence filled their hearts. Her best friend knew that she was hiding something. Everything was not fine in her life. She looked at the sky and let a deep sigh escape her lips as she tried to hold back the tears that were glittering in her eyes. "Okay, let me try put this into words and then we won't talk about this again" Her voice was trembling now. "I feel like I have the literal weight of the world on my chest and every so often nowadays, that brings me down, a lot. It is exhausting to feel a physical weight pulling you down. I think of my future and I do not foresee myself getting to 60 or dying of old age. I fear for my future.. because there's a part of me which affirms that I will be like this for the rest of my years. This is a reoccurring thought which spirals my emotions out of control. I break down and that lethargy sticks with me.  When I think about suicide and self harm in the most elaborate manner, I cry because I fear for myself and how much little control I have... When I cant shed tears, it feels even worse. Like the whole world is gonna cave in and there's nothing I can do. I think, talking to people is tiring, even though everyone is nice and I feel bad about it. I think having to face people is tiring. I think there is no such thing as love and that this world is a terrible place to be in." She closed her eyes and the tears rolled down her cheeks. She sniffed and wiped her tears. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have.. That was just really stupid"

He wasn't surprised. He knew it but he was glad that she finally spoke up. He didn't smile. He didn't frown. He squeezed her hand a little and said, "Hey, don't say that. It wasn't stupid. It's fine." She looked numb.  
He looked at her and then looked at stars which were giving life to the sky. He continued, "You know that there are a lot of people like you and  I, right? And people like you and I, feel the same. We can't see our futures. We all fear that we wont be be alright, we're going to remain the same. We don't see love even when people are trying to make us feel loved. And that's probably because the people who're trying to make us feel loved are out of love, heart broken or empty. May be someday we all will meet or find someone who is full of love, who isn't heart broken or empty. May be someday we'll feel loved. But we're not sure. The world is a terribly sad place. Some people are strong enough to face it and cope with it. But for people like you and I, it's difficult." 
Now, she was staring at the stars too while he was speaking. "I feel tired as well. I want to talk to people but at the same time I don't. I appreciate that you and a couple of other people are trying to help me or feel better but I just can't. And I know that you appreciate it as well. And you can't feel better either. We just have to try really hard to keep ourselves numb so that we don't breakdown but I also know that it's not possible all the time... But still I want you to know that I'm here and I understand and I need you to keep trying even if you see no hope. I love you.."
They both didn't say anything for a long time. They had reached the stage in their friendship where even silence was comfortable. She rested her head on his shoulder and the silence spoke for them. They both felt the same. Hope keeps us going. Hope keeps us alive. Hope is something that we need when nothing seems right.

It's been eight days.

It's been eight days, 

Since I last spoke to him.

It's been eight days, 

Since I last smiled, 

And laughed, 

from the bottom of my heart.

It's been eight days,

Since I realized, 

I mattered to him a lot.

It's been eight days,

Since I realized, 

I affected him more than I'd thought.

It's been eight days,

Since I decided I'd  smile, 

No matter what.

It's been eight days,

Since I decided I'd keep it all to myself, 

Even if it hurts.

It's been eight days,

Since I promised I'd change,

And live for others.

It's been eight days,

Since I fought my inner demons.

But I'm tired and exhausted now,

And the demons seem to be consuming me somehow.

It's been eight days,

I'm neither cursed nor blessed,

But apparently, I'm back to the bad place from where I started.

"..If only they knew.."

If only they knew what it's like to be you,

And how it feels to walk a few miles with sand in the shoes,

May be they would stop hurting and never try bringing you down.

If only they knew how fragile is your heart,

And how much it aches,

May be they wouldn't do anything to tear it apart.

If only they knew what's inside your head,

And why you stay numb and awake in your bed,

May be they would stop calling you names.

If only they knew what you do to ease and stop the pain,

Convincing yourself that it's not the end,

May be they wouldn't throw out their misery at you.

If only they knew what it's like to be careful in city of fools,

And how bravely you've been fighting away all your inner demons,

May be they would stop staring at you and do something to save you.

And, once again, it's Choco's blah blah.

"..Life is a gift. All you need to do is open the box..." 

Sometime's life isn't a gift, you know? Especially if you're inside the box. At that time, you're the gift that's been given to the world. If people liked you. They'll use you till they get bored or you get broken. If they didn't like you, you'd get broken or thrown in a corner or dustbin anyways.

Few people want to be inside the box not being aware of what actually happens. Truth is bitter and sometimes ugly. You cannot run away from it. 

The perfect proportionate.

No amount of coffee, no amount of crying,
No amount of whiskey, no amount of wine.

No more tears and no more fears.

All I want is

 A little bit of this and a little bit of that,

No more hate but only love,

Watching you sleep like a peaceful dove.

Pour me a little bit of your giggle, a little bit of your smile.

'cause this just seems like the perfect proportionate.

P.S. Err, is this a mushy poem? o.O Well, I'm not sure. The first two lines of this poem are not at all mine. It's from the song, "Gotta have you" by "The Weepies" :) I was listening to it and I just couldn't resist those lines. :o It's been so long since I have written a poem like this.. :P So enjoy? :o

P.P.S. I am not in love, okay? :P Don't think too much.. :P

Truth, secret and love (Answers of all your questions) part-2

Love's in the comments that you have written, it was love when my readers wanted me to join facebook, It's love when my one of the best-est blogger buddy, Raed keeps making me smile. I've found love in every word of the comments posted by you. Love's in my joy and my sorrow. Love's in my tears and in my fears.
Love's in going for a long drive at 6:00 AM with all my friends. Love's in the time I've spent with Tunesh, Prince, Saket, Pratish, Neeraj, Kishan, Srishti, Anubha, Divya, Ayush and all my class mates. Love's in spending 100s of bucks for samosa :P Love's in those crazy stupid fights. Love's in the memories of my school life. Love's in being scared of going to college. Love's in making new friends again at college. Love's in bunking classes ;) Love's in Kashyap sir's amazing Math class. Love is in being jealous of the butterflies of our class :P 

Love's meeting Marko for the first time over internet in a dating site at 2 am. Love's talking to him for the whole night. Love's remembering almost every part of that conversation. Love's him gaining importance in my life. Love's telling him that I could never be in love even after knowing that I feel something different for him. Love's being jealous of his best friend. Love's him trusting me. Love's me trusting him. Love's when he fell in love with someone else. Love's me letting him fall in love with that someone. Love's when I told his best friend that I probably had a crush on him.
Love's me pretending to be ok. Love's him knowing that I like him. Love's he coming to me when he broke up. Love's the time when he made me to get MSN and facebook. Love's me and him having webcam chat for the first time. Love's the first word that he had uttered after seeing me.. Love's us doing international texting. Love's when he sang me the "owlcity song(The saltwater room)" Love's declining the fact that I love him. Love's still having the song that he had sung to me. Love's adoring him. Love to me is my best friend. Love's the reason I like owlcity so much. 

Love's me being jealous and heart broken to know he's dating someone else again. Love's when he was cheated and wanted to talk to me. Love's me wasting all my phone credit to get online and cheer him up. Love's knowing that he can never be "in love" with me. Love's lying to myself that we are just best friends. Love's when I text him after being felt up by that creep. Love's him wishing that creep to die. Love's him wanting me to change my room. Love's him disliking my mum for the way she has treated me.
Love's my best friend wanting me to break up with my boyfriend just because I wasn't happy and he was treating me wrong. Love's him not listening to me because best friends never do what you ask them to do. Love's falling in love with someone who lives thousand miles away. Love's being in relationship and still missing my best friend.

Love gave me strength to bring my bestfriend back from coldness(darkness) Love brought us closer. Love tore us apart. Love's the fact that he is my only best friend. Love's the only fact that I'm his only best friend. Love's in writing poems for him(The best poem I've written till now with more than 40 comments was for him). 

Love is the fear of losing my friends. Love is not wanting to go into relationship with my friends. If I go into relationship with you. I'll lose a really good and close friend of mine. The reason why I've been saying "no" and ignoring you is this. I do love you but I cannot be in relationship with you. I know you're reading this. I really love you but as a friend not as a lover. I cannot keep you happy and you cannot keep me happy. Love is all about making each other happy! :)

Love's is an inspiration. Love's everything that I want. Love's making videos for my friends and online friends. Love's the video that I've made for him. Love can make you want to cut your wrist. Love can make you want to end your life. But, love is not a quitter. Love's hope. Love is you fighting reality, love is you fighting for everything. Love is the fact that they are trying to you and Love is you trying to save someone like you ♥ Love is hoping to meet them someday. Love doesn't know distance. Love has always been greater than distance. 

I have really amazing people in my life and I love them all. Despite the distance, Sunakshi di I love you very very much for being my best di(elder sis) ever. Shravan, Tony, Arjun, Raed, Ali, Alan, Jake, Randeep sir :P, Sergi, Hailey, Austin, Darren, Mark, Juan, Priya di, Garima di You all are really amazing..  and I love you guys.. and I'm sorry if I am missing anyone o.o.. You know that I love you :P

 

"..She doesn't cry.."

She forgot to rhyme,

And learned to smile,

She doesn't cry nor does she die. 

The words denied to dance on her tune,

'cause she has found something brighter than the moon. 

".Let me breathe, let me live, let me love..."

I am bound in your fake world,

I have been dying,

Keeping secrets and been lying,

Trying to keep my head clear,

Haunted by you and your fear.

Death is fascinating,

I couldn't bear your hating.

I may paint a picture,

This time, I'll see no failure,

I know, I ain't flawless,

My wrist is my canvas,

And razor is my new brush,

I'll wait for no one, I am in real rush.

"Pleading silence.."

The winds are screaming,

The sky is crying,

The pleading silence is tearing apart.

This pain in heart,

will never end.

Lets walk together with hand in hand,

I won't be scared,

I won't be harmed.

The world knows,

How life goes.

People be fake,

And put someone's life on stake;

They don't know how it feels,

When someone you care fail to stand to your deals.

Morning hopes die in darkness,

But the moon brings a peculiar calmness.

Should I shed a tear,  

Or fight back my fear.

"..fairytale.."

Secrets are to be shared,

Wishes are to be made.

It's a new hope, new day,

Never imagined my life this way.

The story of my life cannot end,

because my fairytale is about to begin.

 P.S. I am neither happy nor sad. I am just in a weird mood. Would you consider it a poem? O.o Ohh well, it's just some random lines that popped in my mind because of my boyfriend. 

*hugs* 

"Suffocation"

Alcoholic eyes have too much cried,

Being evil to this evil life,

Thousands of questions,

Still lingers in her mind,

Clouds playing with the moon,

And stars twinkling in sky.

Pretty is the view,

Ugly is the world.

Impregnable soul, locked in a car;

Screamed, "choke my breath,

Kill the pain."

No one listened,

No one cared;

Her eyelids getting heavier,

Life getting closer,

To a mere relief,

She never had any belief.

She did make her confessions, 

But still she died of suffocation. 

(Image Source) 

P.S. hey there! Sorry, I haven't written a nice poem in a while :) I've tried to write this one. I hope you all like this. I want to thank this person, Lee Josephine. He has been sending me email from the last couple of days :) I am really happy to know that some people still read my blogs :P I was thinking to quit :P But the emails made me smile and made me write another poem. Thanks a lot Lee. ♥

awards!! :D

I was awarded by et really long back V_V 

Thanks et ^_^ Sorry I'm posting it now D: I was busy with school stuffs =( 

Ummm I have few awards that I would like give.

Best blog award 

goes to:

Kelvin

Sankoobaba

Sunakshi di

Pramoda di

Leo

Pria

Jingle

Anoop Kr

Shravan 

Dudo

Et 

The adorable blog award

  

goes to:

Ayu

Rabbito bonbon

Tharangini

Hailey 

WarmSunshine

Madhumathi

 Cheryl

Rajlakshmi 

Rhyth

Valli

Neeha

Last but not the least 

The Lovely blog Award 

 goes to:

All my 162 followers ^_^ You guys mean a lot to me. I have learn a lot through your blogs. :3 Thanks for being with me and guiding me. 

"..I miss you more.."

Its been a while since I have cried,

and I've lied,

again that I am fine,

Finally I've found the perfect line.

No enmity,

and a weird sanity in me,

Silence and distance assassinating soul,

More weird to see me, trying to discover a prior role,

Not alone anymore but still I miss you more,

Enchanting memories and primitive theories,

playing with my mind every now and then,

Now I wanna fall asleep and never wake up again.

P.S. Its a sheduled post. I wrote this poem a while back in hostel when I was missing Saket. I even cried and no that fool doesn't know that I cried for him! *sigh*

Mom and dad's 18th anniversary :)

Its my mom and dad's 18th anniversary :)  Wanna know how I wished them today? Well I didn't have money so I didn't buy anything. I had practical exams and I'm sick so I didn't even make anything. I went in mom and dad's room give them one kiss and said "Happy anniversary" :)

I don't how is it going to be. Well till now it went all good but still I'm scared. I'm not afraid or may be I am? I don't know. But I know that I'm not the old "chocolate lover" who wanted everything best(atleast not for now). My days aren't the best but it is okay. And I have learned to live with it. Now I know that jerks will keep hating me.

Umm today was my chemistry practical(board one). And it went awesomely well :P I got the right radicals and functional group and titration too was good. LOL the good thing is I didn't throw up in the chemistry lab. Smell of chlorine, ammonia and rotten egg made me more sick.

Anyways I don't write any "happy" post 'cause everything gets messed up and I end up crying for stupid thing!

Well I won't be blogging for a while. I nedd to study. The coming days are really important for me. And my hard work would tell how my future is going to be. I have got board practicals this week and then a lot and lots of things I need to study! Hopefully I will do good. 

well anyways I did a cover :) My inspiration for doing covers is Jarrod Matthew. I love him. He has got an amazing voice (:

The song is Say what you will :)
 Please do tell me how it is :)

"..dreaming.."

Wanna be a sweetheart,

and no more apart,

from you and your soul.

You make me whole.

I'm drenched in music,

and a lot rhythmic,

singing, smiling,

and dreaming.

I closed my eyes

and thought over those lies

and then I found how

this world turns cold;

only the one who is bold

survives

and everyone else dies.

I must be dreaming

thought you were whisking,

I saw you tonight,

in the low light.

And this pink mist

doesn't let me miss you the least.

Dancing on your tune,

beneath the pale moon.

And finally become yours

now, forever and ever. 

"I know and I wish"

"..In life, everything feels like the end of the world. But it's not; it's just the beginning. You might have to meet a few more jerks, but one day you're gonna meet a boy who treats you the way you deserve to be treated. Like the sun rises and sets with you.."

"..This time my heart don't shatter.."

Close your eyes,

Fall in illusion,

dream around and,

Sing to the sun..

Bear all your pain and, 

secrets in your heart...

These feelings are,

taking control of me,

and I don't know how to,

let it go but I know,

this feeling is echanting

heading towards

Lurking danger. 

And it's so hard to,

be around you only as a,

friend when my feelings,

have changed...

When I'll cry I won't,

make a sound,

so you don't wake up... 

I'll walk all alone,

think about you and,

your words...

And I'll just wish,

that this time,

my heart don't shatter! 

P.S Pre board exams gonna start from 27th Jan. 

Vanity

Loves the way dreams

turn their path,

sometimes they seem close

sometimes at infinity

I wish If I could find my sanity

and I don't know why 

I have this vanity!

P.S.I was awarded by Kelvin a few backs! ^_^ This award ish "You inspire me" award :3

 

Thank you kelvin ^_^ You ish awesome :) But you know, You are one of those amazing person who inspires me ^_^ You are the best :3 *hugs* 

Ohhh btw, I want to pass this award to all those 153 people who are following my blog ^_^

Thank you so much for being with me. You are the only one who inspires me to write ^_^ 

"..Be my angel.."

Seasons change and stars fall.

May be I don't know all.

Days growing longer and 

Nights growing shorter,

But I know I'll be okay.

And I won't walk away,

I'll face all and try my best,

I'll always trust

you and your words

like that. 

Make me a wish

and I'll be yours forever.

And I promise you won't see

tears in my eyes ever.

Be my angel and make me special,

My heart would weep never.

  

"..If I die..."

I never knew it was you,

and never thought bout my life too.

Just one smile, one touch,

and the world is mine.

You keep trying to do what you want,

I would lie if I have to for you.

So close are my dreams,

dreams are never true.

It's a false hope and false wish,

Sometimes a curse, sometimes a bliss.

Scars on my body is nothing,

but the proof that mephistopheles still exists.

My heart may weep but it won't,

matter you 'cause I don't belong to you.

My eyes need sleep;

I just feel so alone and I wish,

for some sort of venom,

suffocating my life.

Getting mesmerised in your song,

The words seem so personal,

and I am getting vexed of the world.

Sometimes like dimsea, sometimes like drifting clouds;

Trying to drink life from the lees,

and no one see that I'm feeling bad.

I made you cry, and I didn't lie,

A lie that changed my life and,

a truth messed it up.

Will you remember me, if I die?

Need nothing but just few memoirs,

A small part in your heart.

P.S. tummy hurts x__X !! just came to know that ovarian cancer/tumor ish like a silent killer!

P.P.S. yeah I have ovarian tumor/cancer. :/