Labyrinth of suffering

The night makes her vulnerable,

And the smile refuses to fool other people.

All of her broken pieces glued together start to fall apart,

And the paralyzing pain start to stab the heart.

The secrets get ready to spill out of her eyes,

As she starts to paste a story full of sweet lies.

Some nights, she laughs too much and then starts to cry.

The fears crawl up and she questions "why?"

She'd like to live but she'd also like die for sure;

Apparently, she's not sure of what she craves more.

As this absurd thought escapes the darkest corner of her mind,

She instantly goes blind.

People who believe that she's blessed,

Certainly have no idea that she's full of self hatred.

She's struggling between the thought of wanting, 

Someone to hold her and tell her that it's alright.

And the thought of putting an end to this labyrinth of suffering,

Right here tonight.

Last Notes!

Letter #1

Dear Mum and Dad,

I’m sorry I am dead. I’m sorry I couldn’t make you happy and proud before dying. Today when you left, I found out your son has been filming me secretly. I don’t know for how long he had been doing that. I found five videos of me sleeping, on his laptop. He may have also filmed me while I was changing my clothes. I couldn't find more videos. His laptop’s camera was on and it was facing my bed when I decided to check his laptop to see if he was spying on me again and yes he was. He has done that before too. He had taken my half naked pictures before. I wish you had done something when I told you that he used to grope me in my sleep. That happened for a year and now this. I don’t know what to do. I don't even feel like a person anymore. I just feel like a cheap sex toy. First molestation, then taking my inappropriate pictures and now secretly filming me while I sleep. The only thing that is left is finding those pictures and videos on the internet in a porn site. I know, you love your son but he makes me sick. I was thinking of forgiving him and moving on but I cannot. I cannot live in the same room with him. I deleted the videos. I think he has more of it but I can’t find them. He has given me a wound that doesn't heal and a scar that's gonna remain forever if I stayed alive. I’m sorry that this is all in English but I suck at speaking/writing Hindi. I love you both a lot. Please know that. And I’m sorry I’m being selfish but I want to bleed out right now.

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Letter #2

Dear Diyanah,

I hope you're alright babe. I hope you get enough strength to face the problems. I hope you find someone who gives you unconditional love. Someone who makes you feel beautiful. I don't have much to say. Thanks for being there for me and listening to all of my rants. I'm sorry I'm leaving. I still remember the last words that you said to me. You are beautiful and you deserve better. I want you to get better and live. I love you. 

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Letter #3

Dear Marko,

There's this huge conversation gap between us and I didn't get enough time to fix it. I actually felt tired all the time and I couldn't do that. I caused you a lot of troubles when we were closer. I hope you get to move out and live your dreams. I'm probably dead by now. Please don't do this to yourself as well, okay? It will get better. Take care of Raed and yourself of course. I love you. 

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Letter #4

Dear Tony,

I'm sorry about my messy head. I never got a chance to apologize nicely. You are a great person. You did make an impact in my life. And dude, for one last time, I need you to know that I'm not in parasocial relationship with you. I did have a crush on you but I don't even think about you anymore. More than being your lover, I wanted to be your friend. Thanks for making me feel better in my bad days. I hope you find love. Don't kill yourself. I love you.

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Letter #5

Dear Juan,

Goddammit you said you'd post a new selfie! You haven't yet. And now I'm dead. Bummer. I'm pretty sure you're a 50 year old man! :O Nah, just Kidding. I am sorry I didn't tell you a lot of things. I didn't want to scare you away I guess. Apparently, I'm one of those suicidal freaks, huh? Miss me, Juan. I love you. Fix your sleeping schedule mister! xD

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Letter #6

Dear Meraz,

Sorry. I should have told you. I don't know what greatness you see in me. I'm thankful for having a friend like you. Thanks for saving me. Thanks for being there. I don't want to saved this time. I'm ending this. I love you. I hope you have a great life. I hope you get to marry the girl you love. She's so lucky to have you. Tell her, I love her too.

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Letter #7

Dear Sunakshi di, Aditi, Adeeba, Ayushi, Laddoo and Nida,

I miss talking to you guys but I don't really come forward and talk to you because I really cannot and I don't know what to say anymore. You guys have always been there to support me. You all are such strong women. I cannot thank you all enough. I think you'd understand why I did this. I love you guys. Hope you all have great lives.

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Letter #8

Dear Minhaz,

I didn't think we'd turn into such good friends. Well I really hope you did think of me as a good friend and you weren't using me. It felt good to know that someone cared. Miss me, Minhaj. Miss me. You're an awesome person. Stay that way. I guess you and others from the class now know the reason that has kept me sad. And why I didn't care about what my brother did. Good luck for the upcoming exams. Love ya and others.

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Letter #9

Dear Sir,

You know who you are and that's why I'm not mentioning your name. I'm not sure if you'd like it or not and that's why I'm not mentioning it here. It's always been great talking to you. I love how we could talk for hours about anything and everything. From college rantings to pursuing our dreams. I never told you about my problems but you somehow managed to drift my mind and also showed me the right path. I guess I am not going to be a writer and you won't be clicking my picture since I'm ending my journey before even starting it. I have respected you a lot. You are a great person and only a few people realize that. I hope you get live your dreams. Please take care of yourself.

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Letter #10

Dear Jesse,

Ah dude, we just started talking again this is how it is ending. Damn, we couldn't even skype. I know you have a hard life too. I hope it becomes a little easier. I really don't have a lot to say. We kind of have similar views on life and other things. I'm glad to meet and know someone like you before dying. You are the last person to make me feel so happy. Thanks for that. May be we'll meet in another life and do all the things that we planned to do in this life.  BYE AMERICAN BEST FRIEND. I LOVE YOU.

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Letter #11

Dear Abhishek dada,

Uh I screwed it up huh. I have been feeling terribly since the day I called out on you on my blog. You did know what he did to me and that's when you told me that you'd be my brother and protect me. I do respect you a lot and I love you a lot. I just screw it up sometimes. I wish we talked more. You are a great brother and an amazing kind human. I hope you become super successful in life. Thanks for making me happy dada. Wish I could meet you and have the "real" and good sibling experience. And like I promised you long ago, I would have bought you a watch.

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Letter #12

Dear Raed,

Don't frown or get pissed off because I wrote your letter last. Dude, I was trying to save the best for the last. I talk to you so much and it's still not enough for me. And wish you could just see how hard it is for me. One of the saddest thing in my life is that you don't understand me or life. I don't tell people anything about my anxiety or depression and bad life and they think I overreact. I tell you everything and you think just like them. I don't take depression as an excuse for my actions but you were supposed to understand. I know you will probably think that I overreacted and exaggerated this. And suicide is a terrible excuse for what my brother did to me. But it's not just that. You are supposed to know that DAMMIT! You were supposed to give me strength rather than calling me weak and coward. I won't be troubling you anymore. Yay Shgt is dying!

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Letter #13

Dear Everyone else,

Thank you so much if you have ever made me smile or have just stayed in my life while I was going through bad phase. Thanks a lot. Thanks for being there for me and supporting me. Thanks for making me feel loved. You all are great. I hope you guys get to see happy days. Forgive me for all the lame, pathetic stuffs I did. I love you guys a lot. I really do.

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P.S. I'm alive. I'm not dead. Sorry for giving you a minor  heart attack there. I started typing this out with an intention to post it on my blog as a suicide note. I was going to kill myself. I had a good opportunity since my parents were out of town and I was alone and my brother wasn't here either. I don't regret typing it out and posting it on my blog because it just made me feel a little better and hopefully I won't die tonight. I was definitely trying to kill myself by making deeper cuts on my skin. But none of them were deep enough to bleed me out. I'm also sorry for mentioning/not mentioning your names. Please don't try to help me by asking a social worker or psychiatrist to see/read this. Things will get better. I know that. If you know me in person then don't give me "I'm sorry, Shriti" look. Also try not to ever mention this at college or to anyone who hasn't read it yet.

You're the one who killed me.

Don’t you dare talk to me,
Don’t you dare shout at me,
Don’t you dare touch me again.
Once again, after all this time..
Don’t you dare make me feel worthless,
Don’t you dare act like you’re a superior being.
I wanna slit open my wrist,
And write on the walls of your room with my dripping blood
till I lose my consciousness.
Write about what a terrible person you are,
And how I've died a thousand before
Just because of the way you’ve treated me.
Mention all the names you've given me,
Mention how you undressed me with your obnoxious eyes,
Mention how you invaded and ruined my life 
with your vile intention when I was busy dreaming..
Just so the world can know,
I didn't kill myself,
You’re the one who killed me.

I don't know where to start from. Life is so weird. Life is dominating. You have to keep your ego aside and do what life wants you to do. Things change, people leave and memories fade away. There's no doubt that I'm stressed and depressed and no matter how much I try to hide, it's still there on my face. I don't know why I want almost everything perfect. I don't know why I fear failure so much. I don't know why I love my parents so much. I don't know why I step back from doing things that I want to just because it'll hurt my parents.

I'm 20 now, why can't I make my own decisions? Why do I need to think about them? I want to break free. I'm so different from my parents. It makes me wonder if I was adopted or something. It's not the first time that these kind of thoughts are crossing my mind. I wonder if I'll ever be happy. I hope it's not too late by then.

I'm in my 3rd year of engineering and have I really enjoyed my college life or did something really crazy or something that's worth remembering? No, I haven't yet. I hope, I do soon.

If I'm not going to live my dreams then I want to live at least one day on my own.. like I really really want to be happy without being worried about anything. No phone calls, no texts, no rush of going back home. Nothing. Just me and the things I want to enjoy.

Well if you're going to continue reading this post then I'm really sorry, this will get random and really long. I haven't talked to a lot of my close friends in a while. I tried to talk to some but they don't even have time to reply. May be they have more important things to do. I'm constantly being ignored by the people I care about the most. People say, never be in a friendship(or any other kind of relationship) that hurts and that makes you feel bad about yourself. But what do you do when it's the friendship that also gives you the strength to fight against the odds? I was in one such dilemma for a long time and I chose the friend, I chose our friendship.

I kind of realized that I do make a couple of people happy even though they live miles away from where I live. Well I'm not sure if I do because they could be just saying it but I still hope that I do and they really mean it when they say it.. I fall in love with words, pictures, things and people easily but I also hate them and that's probably my biggest issue.

I'm not a good looking person. Of course I do look good in my "selfies" but trust me you would hate me if you saw me in person. Now, that pretty much gives you the idea that I hate my appearance. Yes, I do. I have hated it since I was 10 but I started hating it more after I turned 16, when one of my "best friends" was too ashamed to host the Teachers' day event with me. You know, it doesn't matter what the entire world thinks about you but it matters when your friend or parents are ashamed of your appearance or call you "fat" or give you any other kind of names. It's been almost 4 years but that thing still stings. Aparently, that thing never stopped. I forgave them. School ended. Best friends left. We are now in college and we have new friends but even these friends do the same thing. It kind of sucks more when unexpected people/friends do so but you really can't react or tell them that you felt bad because they are not wrong. You are ugly, you are fat and you are insecure.

If you're fat, people will definitely pass a comment on you while you eat.

"Stop eating fatty, you'll explode"

"Hey fatty, don't eat the whole thing, leave something for other people"

"I think the entire cafeteria's food will be less for you"

It's basically like, if you're fat and you're eating in public, it's a sin.. well not just that actually, 'cause even if you don't eat, people will say something again-

"Are you on diet or something? If yes then it's good. You should lose some weight and may be then someone will love you"

And when you react to such comment by leaving or staying quiet or frowning.. the reaction you will get is,

"Hey, don't get mad. I even call my sister 'fat' and she is not fat actually. I call everyone 'fat'"

"Don't be mad at me, please? I consider you a very good friend that's why I mess around with you.."

There was a time when I was so overly depressed with these comments that I started skipping my meals and also my favorite food for months. I don't remember. I still get these comments more than once in my day.. It sucks when "fatty" or "fatso" becomes your new name. I try to overlook and forget it but I can't completely. I do want it to affect me sometimes so that I start skipping meals again.

I know a lot of people will read this. Even people from my college but not my friends and no one will ever know how it feels. How much it makes me hate myself more.

I think, I sort of started liking myself a bit when I met this guy in a public bus who liked me the way I was. I haven't seen him in a while. It's been more than a month. I don't want to befriend him or maybe I do but he seems like a buttonhead jerk to me so nah. But I do miss seeing him. 

I actually wanted to write about a lot of other things but now it's just something that idek.

Can I stand close to death?

You won't like to know what I think,

You won't like to know what's inside,

You won't like to know the stories behind the scars, 

You won't like to know what I wish on the shooting stars.

Brutally and slowly, the sadness and emptiness is consuming me,

I'm so good at hiding it that no one can see.

People love you only if you're pretty or dying;

I know I can never ever be pretty.

Can I stand close to death?

And have my share of love and care?

Questions.

Is it anxiety?

Am I anorexic?

Is it true or is it false?

Am I just sad or really depressed?

The questions linger inside my head.

Am I normal?

Am I peculiar?

What is it that really bothers?

Am I really alone or it's just my mind?

Can I see it all or am I being blind?

Is it the stress?

Is it the thoughts?

Is it the future or is it the past?

Is it something that always last?

The questions keep me awake at night.

Too tired to fall asleep and too tired to stay awake.

It's just a messy feeling that keeps hurting.

Why don't they understand?

Why didn't they never stand?

What will it take to be good enough?

Is it a fear?

Am I really scared?

Do you think I am stronger?

Do I really want my life to end?

Or is it just the troubles and pain?

Does things really get better?

Or we just get used to it and it starts bothering lesser?

Things.

There are things,

You'll never find out.

-My feelings, my thoughts,

Why I keep saying, "I've been through lots.."

There are things,

I'll never care about.

-Your race, your religion,

Your thoughts, your action. 

There are things,

You'll always dare.

-"Forget the pain, live like others,

Overlook the past and leave everything behind that bothers.."

There are things,

That I'll never share.

-My fears, my scariest secrets;

And the one who are the real culprits.

There are things,

You may find annoying.

-My action, my cry,

Me not being cheery, me wanting to die.

There are things,

I may be questioning.

-The society, my existence; My differences

And me not being able to find any resemblance.

There are things,

That you may find hilarious.

-My tears, my thinking,

My words, my writing.

There are things

That I may fake like an actress.

-Hide all the fears on the screen;

Make it all blurry, make it all unseen.

There are things,

You may never notice.

Bottled up feelings, all inside me,

I can barely show you what I see.

There are things,

That make me anxious.

-What they think, what they say,

"I hope it's good", I always pray.

There are things,

You don't find true.

And, most probably it's all about someone;

Don't be so harsh 'cause of an assumption, you'll regret & cry later on their coffin.

There are things,

I really hope I do.

-Not wait for tomorrow, finish it all tonight,

Get away from this fancy world, get away from your sight.

Choco's blah blah..

How weird can it be when someone asks you, "If you're not contented with your life then why don't you work on making it better?" and you just sit there and say, "I don't want it to get better because I am hopeless, my life is hopeless. I don't want it to get better because the only thing I want is death."

Am I bad person for waiting to die?

The number of cuts I make on my body are actually the number of times I get murdered by people's words and actions.

If people tried to look back at my old posts, you wouldn't find a lot of happy posts. But yes, you'll find hundreds of dark ones. Will you say that I have been depressed since then? Is it really depression? Am I really depressed? Things changed, people changed, I changed, memories have started to fade away but I regret nothing. I cannot look at the brighter side anymore but I can always hope for it. Have I really forgotten  how to smile or be happy? Why doesn't the stress go away? Why always one thing gets better but the very next moment other things start to fall apart? I work so hard. I don't do anything wrong. I do not cuss. I do not lie to parents and bunk classes and go for movies and stuff. I always think about others first. Then why doesn't things go right for me? Why do those hypocrites who keep lying, who keep doing the wrong things get everything? Why do they even pass? 

5th of September can be termed as another darkest day in my life. I got beaten up again. This time I got insulted by own brother in the bus for no reason. I reached home. I told my mum. He did the same. But still mum thought it was all my fault so she tried to hit me. We were downstairs, at the main gate and a few people were there. I did get a bit angry. Who wouldn't? Then upstairs, I was telling her my things and he was telling about his things. Mum was still mad at me. And then she said something mean to me. I told her the same thing back. And that's it. That thing was enough for her to beat me up. I know it was my fault. I shouldn't have said that. But I was just angry and it just came out of my mouth. So she kept hitting me. Who wouldn't scream in pain at that moment? I kept screaming and she kept beating me up so that shut up! But how can anyone expect that one would shut up by getting beaten up. 

Things started to get worse. I was more angry and in pain that I asked her to kill me all at once instead of beating me up to death. She became more angry. Grabbed my throat, choked my breath, hit my head against the floor. Later she went in the kitchen, left me on the floor, half unconscious, in pain, crying, screaming, weeping. She came back with a flat spoon made up of stainless steel. Started hitting me again. I got a small cut on my arm. It was really tiny to be honest. I was wearing a long sleeve Kurta but still I got cut so you can imagine how much pain I had to go through. Then she started kicking me. She even kicked my face. My mouth started to bleed a little too. It was all red that day. And next day it became white and was swollen a little. It still hurts badly. I cannot even open my mouth, smile or talk.

I ended up cutting myself that night. For the next two days, I couldn't even touch my head or body because it was hurting me that much. My head starts hurting all of sudden when I am at college or home. I do not even feel like telling people about these things, you know? Because, I am literally tired and sick of telling or trusting people.

If you think I wrote this for gaining attention then screw you and your thoughts. I could have written this on fb or told this to everyone personally on the same day. I would have never asked people to save my classmate's life. I did everything for others while going through that crap.

P.S. DO NOT HATE ON MY MOTHER. DO NOT EVEN TRY TO CURSE HER. I STILL LOVE HER AND I WILL ALWAYS LOVE HER. SHE IS A GREAT LADY. I DON'T HATE HER. I ONLY HATE WHAT SHE DOES TO ME. THE REASON I WROTE THIS WAS BECAUSE I WANTED TO GET THINGS OFF MY CHEST.

Rain and the Rainbow.

It started raining long time back. I'm not talking about the weather.. o.O It's about my life. Again. Sorry. o:

Everything is almost on track. Again. But, I'm a bit scared. It's not going to last. Ever heard of the "forgive and forget" thing? I don't know what I am feeling. But, I'm not able to hate certain people. My mum, my best friend, my used to be best friend and even my own brother. I haven't forgotten anything but still, they are my family..

*sigh* I'll be screwing up my exams for sure this time. I dunno. By the way, I forget why I started typing this post. I am forgetting everything. Everything is slipping away from my hand, it seems. It's like everything is going too fast and I'm not able to enjoy. It's funny, I spent 18 years of my life.. I never really had "actual" fun. Staying at home makes me sick..

Oh, yeah, I need to thank certain people, who wants to help me with the situation. It means a lot really. I mean it. I know I haven't written back to anyone yet but that's because I don't know what to do, what to say. I'm sorry. There's just too many things. At the end of the day, it's my own family, no? What will I gain? I do want to move and have a new life and live it in my own way but then again, I want to do it on my own. I really appreciate whatever you are trying to do or wanting to do. But, I still don't know. Just stay by my side? It'll the greatest thing that you can do for me. At least for now!

My exams are still on but it'll end soon. I have got a lot to say but still nothing. You people really give me strength. I feel better sometimes.. thinking about you all. I am just going with the flow. A bit stronger than before. I won't cut. I haven't cut in almost 3 months. I'll try to stay safe. c:

About the last post, I'll say it again, I don't think too much about it. But, you know, it happens everyday in my life, like, pretty looking girls (BIMBOS) of my class get all the attention, plus good marks. Yes, I said, good marks. Teachers don't even check their answers and give them full marks. Just because they have pretty face that doesn't mean they are intelligent or they know everything. I hate proving my existence again and again. That's it. You don't understand it unless you've been through the same. I don't even expect people to understand it. I am not you and you're not me.

It'll get better hopefully. The rain won't last forever. It shouldn't..

"..My fate's not letting me to die..."

The past crawls like the clouds,

And, the silence screams out loud.

Too much stuffs in my head; useless;

Makes feel like I'm nothing but a mess.

Bounded by the promises that I've made

I just want these memories to fade.

I wanna stay cocooned in my sorrow

And at times, I wanna let it go.

There's no turning back but I don't know where to go.

I wish if everything could freeze,

So I would embrace it all like a cold winter breeze,

Songs make me cry and memories make me sigh,

My fate's not letting me to die.

"..I hope you hate yourself for this..."

If I died today,

It would really be the final good bye.

I no longer have the urge to live

The heart doesn't deserve anything that you give.

And like you say, "I have everything".

I wonder how does nothing feels like.

And the way you make me feel,

I don't think my scars will ever heal.

I hope you realize you are wrong.

I hope you see through this song.

I hope you hate yourself for this.

I don't know anyone anymore.. They all seem strangers to me. May be I am feeling a bit too alone? I don't want to be an attention seeker by posting this here. I am not okay.. It's been a month now. I can't even concentrate on my studies. I screwed all my exams. My college friends are great but they live really far(literally more than 50 miles away). My best friend lives in Croatia. I don't feel like anyone cares anymore.. Don't think that my best friend cares either.. I am just so stupid. I am crying and typing this over here.. Don't know why? I really miss people who were once with me.. Everyone.. Even the ones I met over internet.. I just feel left out. When internet is your only social life. Things doesn't seem right.. I miss Raed, Juan, Prince, Manish, Saket, Sergi, Jake, Jasmine, Neeraj, Pratish, Srishti, Anubha, Darren, John, Rob, David.. and a lot of people.. Sunakshi di, you'll get mad at me if you read this.. I am sorry.. I'm sorry, I'm hiding stuffs from everyone. I am self harming again. It's going really wrong..

"..A new fairytale is about to begin.."

Lost and broken, I was.

On that horrible and suffocating night,

I had decided to end up all my aches and worthless fight.

Sinking in tears, wishing to die.

Craving for a shoulder and a hug to feel home and cry. 

 I had met him before but I didn't know,

I had already sown seeds of love in his heart to grow.

He did care but I didn't notice.

While talking to him, I actually found peace.

Tears stopped and slowly the pain was going.

I fell asleep with neither bitterness nor cursing.

Next morning, I was in solace.

No more tears, no more aches.

We both were giggling and smiling like two little kids.

No one was being fake or hypocrite.

Innocence and love started growing more,

Neither of our hearts were sore.

He was knowing that I was falling for him.

I wasn't scared anymore to say, "I love you Tim"

Keeping my feelings only to me.
Denied everything that he wanted me to see.
At the end, I lost and love won.
We both were together before the dawn.
He chose me over everyone,
Despite the distance, he feels that I am the only one.
He is a prince and I am one amongst the ordinary girls,
He is so perfect that every pretty face twirls.
I have only loved and it's not a sin,
'cause no matter what you say but a new fairytale is about to begin.

P.S. Hello readers, yeah I am still alive :P Thanks for caring everyone, I am really fine. Your 17 years old poetess is no more a little kid. She has started going to college and she is loving it there. About the poem? Um, It's not sad :P You wanted a happy poem so here it is! Exactly how I feel so now you know that I am good and of course happy. :) 

"I am truly a curse..." It won't really matter to me If you don't read the poem, it doesn't really make any sense I guess. I did a mistake and I should die instead of him. If anything happened to him then I wouldn't forgive myself.

One scary night, 

beneath the moon light,

I never wanted you to cry,

Nor to say good bye,

It was my grave mistake,

Your life was on stake,

It was a hex put on my words,

Didn't want a life of wizards.

I am truly a curse

I make things go worse.

This is the tuth,

You were my Ruth.

I am sorry, please come back once,

please come back and give me another chance.

P.S. Sometimes, you become so blind and selfish that you wish for stupid things like someone to leave. But don't do that because God can misunderstand you and He can take that person away forever from you and everyone. The person not only leaves you but he also has to leave the world.

Do me a favor and please pray for my friend? It was all my fault. I wanted him to go but not this way. It took me so long to understand that he was nice and sweet. If anything happened to him then I wouldn't forgive myself. It really sucks when you lose someone. He has to go through 2 surgeries. And there's 1/4th chances of him to die!

".Let me breathe, let me live, let me love..."

I am bound in your fake world,

I have been dying,

Keeping secrets and been lying,

Trying to keep my head clear,

Haunted by you and your fear.

Death is fascinating,

I couldn't bear your hating.

I may paint a picture,

This time, I'll see no failure,

I know, I ain't flawless,

My wrist is my canvas,

And razor is my new brush,

I'll wait for no one, I am in real rush.

"..curse.."

Lost in the crowd,

Hear everything so clear and loud.

Now, you are invisible,

'cause words are strong and you're feeble.

Walking aimlessly to somewhere,

Misty eyes couldn't help but stare.

Everything is wrong, nothing is fair,

Miss all the times when you were together.

Darkness seems more interesting than their light,

They won and you lost the fight.

Reached the point again from where it started,
Embracing loneliness, embracing hatred. 

Screaming, crying and ending up worse,
You know it's nothing but a curse.

Knowing that you're falling into nothing.
 Cannot fly 'cause you don't have those wings.

Where do I stand?

You have them,

They have you,

I have no one.

You love them,

They love you,

I love you,

No one loves me?

When they cry, you cry,

When you cry, I cry,

No one cries for me?

"..You always wanted me to die.."

You failed to see my tears,

You ignored all my fears,

You never hugged me tight,

You never said, "I am with you in this fight"

You never listened to my cry
you always wanted me to die.

This is just a random post. You don't have to read it. :)

"..You meet a lot of people in your life but it will always be the same. You like them, you love them. They change and you hate them.."

 

I'll be 18 in 4 months. I don't want to be 18 :) I never wanted to 17 either. But it's not under my control. Nothing is under my control. I don't know where I am going to be. A lot of people ask me from where do the emotions come in my poems. And you know? I don't know it either. I just write. I write what I see, what I think and what I feel. I am different and weird. I get easily amused and I trust easily. It makes me sad when people die or something bad happens to them, no matter if I don't know them or they live 1000 miles away.  People have cancer and other disease. And they'll die after few days or few months or few years but you can't help them. All you can do is hope, wish or pray. Every third person in the world is cutting/self harming. But I can't help them, not even "you" can help them. Some people are being disgusting. They are bullying in person and over Internet. People are committing suicide for being harassed. If anyone is putting a sad post on their blog or status in any social networking site then help them and if you can't then just keep your mouth shut. "Get a life before telling anyone that they should die." You are no one to decide who should live and who should die. There life is already terrible, they want to live so please don't kill them. I think this way which makes me more gloomy. I do not smile all the time but yes it's not difficult at all to make me smile since I easily get amused. One thing I have added on my hate list is "homophobes" I really hate them more than I hate liars and hypocrites.