If it makes you feel better..

If it makes you feel any better,

I'll keep myself from speaking of death,

and how my absence would make this place a better place.

I'll make myself smile during the long screwed up nights, 

just to keep myself sane.

I'll let my head sleep when it feels too tired to exist.

I'll let you be my happy pill that cures the sadness in me.

I'll stop painting my sleeves red.

I'll do it all, darling, if it makes you feel any better.

But just in case I failed,

I'd leave you a last note with tear and ink stains,

Just to tell you that I tried my best,

And hope you understand that this was never in my hands.

A beautiful friend

When you're a teenager, every little crisis feels like the end of the world. You don't feel like existing anymore. Life seems so twisted and we keep making terrible decisions. It happens to everyone.

Embarrassed?

'I don't wanna live anymore.'

Fought with best friend?

'The world can stop spinning now.'

Parents don't understand?

'Why did they even brought me in this world?'

Crush has a crush on a terrible person?

'Why does it always happen to me?'

When you're a teenager, you feel like the only person who understands is your friend. I felt the same. Actually I didn't but I always had friends who cared a lot for me. Like seriously a lot. And it felt good to know that there were people who made you happy and who made you forget all your worries. I had people who'd do anything to make me feel happy again and that included cussing their crush because they hurt me and attending my birthday party even when they have a sick mum at home who had a minor operation two days ago. I was blessed to have friends like them. I know that not everyone has friends. 

Exactly five years ago, on September 18th, one of my best friends took her last breath on her death bed. She tried to kill herself, she was in hospital for around 20 days. She had major burn injuries. She was recovering but something happened and she couldn't take the pain anymore. I still remember every single detail of the day. How I got the terrible news of her suicide attempt and the day when our Chemistry teacher told us in our Morning tution that she couldn't make it. I remember wishing it was a terrible joke or rumor. I remember calling up my other friends and telling her about our dead friend. I remember trying to cry in the shower but I couldn't cry. I didn't cry until the principal started talking about her. I think I cried all day long. 

For a long time, I felt guilty for not telling her how much she meant to me. I felt guilty for not visiting her in the hospital. I felt guilty for not making it to the funeral. I was also amazed how everyone else was "normal" again. As if she never existed in our lives but I think we still did talk about her. We even saw her in our dreams sometimes and we'd talk about it the next day in school. I wonder if anyone still remembers this day. Maybe not. 

I always write about her on this day. I don't know why. I think because she was like a lucky charm for me or may be because when I found about tumor(it was a misdiagnose), she said "hey, you're going to live long. I hope God gives you all of my days". She said that a week before her suicide attempt. She had the most beautiful smile. She was strong and crazy and stupid.

I miss my beautiful friend. Her death did change me and my life. I didn't have my lucky charm and I suddenly started to lose my other friends, got more depressed, performed poorly in exams, argued with family, blamed myself for her death and what not. Like I said in the very beginning of this post, when you're a teenager, every little crisis feels like the end of the world. But this wasn't any little crisis. I lost a friend and she was never coming back. 

I try to save as many lives as I can. I know what depression is, I know what it feels like when you want to die. I want people to know that they are important and that I love them. I make sure that they know that I love them. If you read me, if you think of me, if you've ever made me smile, if you've ever helped me, I love you. Thank you for existing. Please don't kill yourself. Things will get better for you. If it didn't get better, you'll at least have enough strength to deal with it. 

Free

I want to be free.

In the most innocent yet wildest sense,

I want to be free.

I don't want to be bound,

By complicated relationships, absurd life goals, 

Or any haunting past memories,

That does nothing but makes me more insane,

With every passing second.

I want to be free.

Like the deep oceans and the cold night wind,

I want to be free.

I want to sing, dance and feel infinity.

And as crazy as it sounds,

I want to burn my body down,

And rise again from the ground.

I want to be free.

I want to break free from this skin;

Break free from the emptiness and numbness both at once;

Break free from the pain and depression,

That controlled my life for all these years.

I want to be free.

Free like a shooting star, 

Escaping the darkness of the night.

Free like a soaring kite, 

Playing hide and seek with the clouds in the sky.

A voice is screaming in her head,

Struggling to break free, 

and get lost in the air.

It's once again, 

hard to figure out,

whether it's pain or fear.

Eyes are tired, 

of holding back the tears,

that've been trapped, 

with all the unhealthy emotions.

Overwhelmed by her own feelings,

She wishes to escape to a place,

and feel numb again.

Digging her nails,

into her own skin,

She's hoping for the physical pain, 

to overcome the emotional pain.

It's starting to get bad again,

She's falling into the darkest hole,

that's been created in her own head.

The page still remains blank

Trying to pen down the emotions,
but failing so undeniably.
Starting by capturing one thought,
and sugar coating it with ornamental words.

The page still remains blank.
The head still remains busy fighting, 
the unwanted thoughts.
Eyes get heavier and turn down,
the proposal to compose something beautiful.

Managed to scribble something like a line, 
which fall short to mean anything.
The words are scattered everywhere,
and I can't frame it together. 

The page still remains blank.
Words are sore from being used,
over and over again.
They have switched sides,
and have refused to divulge,
the premonition and apprehension.

After two hours, ten minutes, 
and twelve seconds later,
The page still remains blank.
Seems like it's time to give up the battle.

It's time to put down the pen,

and get up from the chair.

It's time to turn down the lights,

and lie on the cold matres.

It's time to close eyes and, 
let the dreams fill the void.

Sometimes

Sometimes, I want to be lost,

And don’t want to be found.
Sometimes, I don’t want to
belong anywhere.
Sometimes, I want to escape,
To a faraway place,
And make it my new home.
Sometimes, I wish,
I was just on my own.
Sometimes, I want to stand,
In the middle of the highway,
And get hit by a truck.
Sometimes, I wonder, 
How do I tell my loved ones that-
Sometimes, I want to be lost,
And don’t want to be found.

I'm gonna publish this thing that I wrote two nights back while fighting back my tears. I'm not really sad. And even if I'm sad, I feel okay with it. I feel okay with most of the things and that makes me wonder if I'm getting back to a normal person who doesn't overthink and screws everything up or I'm just suppressing my emotions again. I have done that before I think and I just exploded. I'm afraid it is going to happen again. I'm not sure when will I write next or whether I'll be able to type it all because it has been pretty hard for me to communicate or just speak of what I feel or think. A couple of great life events is going to happen this month. Probably this week or next.  So here it is.

______________________________

Someone do me a favor,

hold my shaky hands

while I try to make a vertical cut,

on my wrist with an old, rusty razor.

-------------

Someone do me a favor,

hold on to my words,

and help me continue when my hands are frozen,

while I try to pour out my last thoughts on a piece of paper.

--------------

Someone do me a favor,

hold me close in your arms,

tell me "Everything will be alright"

while I close my eyes for one last time,

and drift off to a faraway place. 

--------------

Miss me when I'm gone.

Miss me for the good things I've done.

Miss me, please miss me.

Forgive me and forget all the troubles that I caused.

Miss me for the love that I've always tried to share.

"..Questions trapped inside my head.."

I have too many questions trapped inside my head,

I usually try to find the answers while I lay awake in my bed.

I feel blessed with all I have,

And I feel content with everything that He gave.

I feel comfortable in my own skin.

And it doesn't matter much whether  I lose or win.

But then something goes wrong,

And it stays right there for way too long.

And I wonder if I'm alright?

And how to disappear from line of sight?

Why does it all come crashing down when it finally feels fine?

I really want to be happy with this life of mine.

How long will it take to feel alright again?

This time, I'm a bit afraid to commit something insane.

You're the one who killed me.

Don’t you dare talk to me,
Don’t you dare shout at me,
Don’t you dare touch me again.
Once again, after all this time..
Don’t you dare make me feel worthless,
Don’t you dare act like you’re a superior being.
I wanna slit open my wrist,
And write on the walls of your room with my dripping blood
till I lose my consciousness.
Write about what a terrible person you are,
And how I've died a thousand before
Just because of the way you’ve treated me.
Mention all the names you've given me,
Mention how you undressed me with your obnoxious eyes,
Mention how you invaded and ruined my life 
with your vile intention when I was busy dreaming..
Just so the world can know,
I didn't kill myself,
You’re the one who killed me.

Mother, Father..

Oh, hey there father,

And hello mother.

Sorry to show up so late at night,

But I heard you two had another fight?

Well, it's nothing new,

You have done that before too.

You two are pretty good at bouncing back to "normal" though,

But let's not forget that it's been more than twenty years now.

Well, dear father,

Do you know where's your daughter?

And dear mother,

Didn't you know she has been painting her skin red with that razor?

Why didn't you try to know?

Can't you see she has been feeling low?

When will this end?

She doesn't even have a friend.

You wanted her to live life, the way you wanted,

Thanks to you she has always been taken for granted.

But it's okay, you can carry on your fight,

She is strong and hopefully she won't kill herself tonight.

Can I stand close to death?

You won't like to know what I think,

You won't like to know what's inside,

You won't like to know the stories behind the scars, 

You won't like to know what I wish on the shooting stars.

Brutally and slowly, the sadness and emptiness is consuming me,

I'm so good at hiding it that no one can see.

People love you only if you're pretty or dying;

I know I can never ever be pretty.

Can I stand close to death?

And have my share of love and care?

"I don't know.."

I don't know how to reach the light,
When hope is out of my sight.

I don't know why I want you in my life
When all I want is to cut my wrists with a knife.

I don't know why I fall asleep and wish for a better day,
When I don't want to wake up next morning in any way.

I don't know why I push away the people who care,
When I want them to be with me right here.

I don't know why but I think I'm going insane,
When I feel like I can keep myself sane through out the pain.

Death

Death fascinates me.
There are so many unusual things that I see.
I see Death waiting for me outside the balcony,
I guess it knows that I'm unhappy.
But still it is smiling at me like an old friend,
Offering me it's pale cold hand,
Asking me to go on an adventure unknown,
Leaving everything and everyone behind on their own.

Imagine

Imagine being called "guilty"

for the things you've never done.

Imagine being prisioned and haunted

by the voices inside your head and the four walls.

Imagine the society and media shaming you

for something that never happened

and is not a single bit true.

Imagine having a life

where you feel like being dead is better.

"There's someone.."

I know you've been hurt,
burned and scared.
I know it's hard to breathe,
and see her fine,
while you're trying not to end your life.
There's someone who wants to make it all better.
For a while, just close your beautiful blue-gray eyes,
Let the tears roll down your pale cheeks,
Block the destructive thoughts,
Tell your soul, "It's not over yet".
There's someone who is hurting to see you hurt.
Quit calling yourself a coward,
Crying a little won't make you any smaller,
Living with the pain only makes you stronger.
Scream and let the pain leave your sunken chest.
There's someone who still cares despite the distance.
Let them in, 
Let them take away the pain.
Trust me, it'll all be worth it in the end.

Another life lost in vain?

Sometimes when things go hazy,

Or the world looks sane and I look crazy.

I need someone 

to talk me out of the blue.

Sometimes at night like this when everyone's asleep,

and the wound is too deep 

I need someone to keep me from doing the sad little things

I've been planning to do.

I don't know my strengths,

but I know that I can let my weaknesses to end the pain

in the most horrific way and

For some, it'll just be another life lost in vain.

A world full of pain.

I need a reason to wake up in the morning.

I need a reason to fall asleep at night.

I need a reason to keep on going.

I need a reason to keep on breathing.

Because everything I do, goes in vain.

And I don't know how not notice this world full of pain.

Looking for the right words to define how it feels,
There are no retakes and no change of scripts when life reels.
With a cluster of wild and frightening thoughts in black and white,
It's hard to fall asleep at night.
But finally when the eyes start to close, 
Struggling through all the highs and lows,
Getting tired of staring into nothing,
It's hard to wake up again in the morning.

"I'm torn.."

I'm torn, 
between the thoughts, 
of letting go 
and holding on for a little longer.
I'm torn, 
between the thoughts 
of going with the flow  
and starting it all over again.
I'm torn,
between the thoughts
of dying
and staying alive.
I'm torn, 
between the dreams 
where I find death scary
and the reality where I don't wanna live.
I'm torn,
between the person
people think I am
and the person I really am.

Self Destruction.

"Take it slow and let it go"

And that's how you go with the flow.

But what if you lose a part of yourself,

And start to feel like an empty book shelf?

Everything I see is black and white,

And yet the brightest corner is out of my sight.

I still want to be gone forever,

And give up on my greatest endeavor.

Everything is worthless,

My head is certainly a scary place.

May be you don't know but when you're under demon's claw,

It makes you see your greatest flaw.

I'm addicted to self destruction,

Because I can never get self satisfaction.