Hidden Secrets of Her Life

It's been such a long time since I wrote anything really nice and good. Apparently, writing out all the emotions doesn't help either. I want to create something really beautiful but I haven't been able to do that. Things are extremely messy right now. 

Although I'm not prepared for the exams but I'm desperately waiting for the exams so I can do something else. And right now, since the exams have been postponed for an unspecified duration., I have started on my vocational training but I can't completely focus on that either. I've got a lot of things to do but I can't. Not even the things that I enjoy, the things that make me feel better and that is pretty stressful. I want to read a couple of books, I want to paint a picture, I want to write, I want to study, I want to start talking to some of my old friends again,  I want to Skype with my online friends and the stress isn't letting me to do anything. It's rather frustrating. 

I'm worried about so many stuffs at the moment and I honestly feel too weak and alone to handle it. Dad's sickness, mum's extra workload, exams(CSVTU scams), training, my own sickness, glaucoma and PCOS. And I really wish my friends could understand that. If I were at school right now, my school friends would have probably figured it out by now and probably would have done something to make me feel better. But this is life. Everyone leaves. Your friends leave too and you have to live on your own and I am living on my own. 

I can handle it pretty well during the day. The thoughts don't make me go crazy during the day but at 1 AM these thoughts make my bones ache and my stomach rumble, making me want to throw up right away or just pop all the pills at once and put an end to this. I have also found myself a little desperate for actual human care. I want someone to get worried when I'm not talking or texting them. I want someone to notice my absence. I want to be someone's favorite person and important person. I don't want to be taken for granted anymore but I also don't want any forced friendship with certain people. I wonder why am I not important for any of my friends though.

I'm that friend to whom people text when they can't sleep not because they are thinking about me or know that I can fix their trouble just through a conversation. They text me because they know that the only person who stays up late all the time is me.