Secrets, truth and love(Answer of all your questions that you have been asking me) Part-1

So, so, it's been ages since I've written anything personal on this blog.. been writing poems but they never made any sense. And, you all wanted to know that why I write such dark stuffs. Why I've been acting like this since past 2 years. I'm not lying but trust me, I wasn't knowing the answer either but now I know, and I'm not scared to write everything and anything on here. And like most of you have been thinking it since the beginning, it was "Love" 

But, my version of "love" is a little different then yours. For me, love's my childhood memories that makes me smile, love's the sweet feeling that I had when I was in kindergarten and had a friend who used to share chocolates with me, love's when I used to miss him whenever he had missed the school. Love's passing by his old house and hoping to see him coming out of his house even after knowing that he has moved to another place. 

It was love when I used to ask my mom to make me a drawing. Love's my dad picking me and my brother up from the school in his bike and buying us ice cream. Love's good, love's bad. Love's me wishing to disappear when 2 most important people in my life were fighting. Love's growing up. Love's learning. Love's wishing to be Cinderella, Love's having hundreds of ambitions at the age of 11. Love's crushing on my classmate. Love's crying at nights at the thought of your friends leaving the school and especially your crush leaving the school. :P

Love's my pokemon craze that I used to have. Love's aiming to be perfect at something. Love's looking at the childhood pictures. Love's seeing the pictures of my dadu(grandpa) letting me eat the whole chocolates.  Love's me asking my parents to get me a rabbit or parrot again.

Love's the time when I met new people and made new friends, Love's the time when I and mom had tears in our eyes after knowing that dad has got diabetes. Love's when my heart started beating faster to see my senior. Love's me and him staring at each other at his fuel station. Love's me and him parking our scooties together.

Love's him leaving some space at the parking stand so that I could park my scooty right next to his. Love's waiting for him after school. Love's saying everything through eyes. Love's him and I staring at each other from our stalls and a romantic song being played in the background :P Love's seeing him in my dreams! :o

Love's when I got internet connection and I met a few people. Love's the feeling that I had when I met my uncle after 13 years.. Love's me meeting my aunty and my cousins for the first time. Love's me hugging my cousin brother for 1st and last time when he was leaving. Love's me hoping the time to stop. Love's when I missed my closest buddy's birthday for my aunty's surgery. Love's letting my little cousin sister ruin my drawing book.

Love's when my friends became sad to know that I have ovarian tumor(cancer)..(I don't have it btw, it's just a cyst, doctors had some confusion which was sorted out later) Love's when I saw my dad sad. It was love that made my dad sad. I cannot see my dad being sad. I would never like to see him sad ever again,

It was love when my best friend wished to die before me.. Love to me is feeling that something wrong's going to happen. Love's when you get tears in your eyes for no reason and it starts suffocating you. Love's when I wanted to go and visit her in the hospital but my parents didn't let me too 'cause they were too scared about me. Love's when me and other people were praying for her. Love's when we all wanted to give a few days from our life to her. Love's the feeling of relief that we had after knowing that she was recovering. Love's the time when I thought it was a joke when they told me that she had died. 

Love's me trying to cry in the shower. Love's when I cried my eyes out when our school principal started talking about her. Love's the guilt that I still have in my heart. Love's me crying the whole day and not getting out of bedroom and not eating anything at all. It was love of parents when they didn't let me to go to her funeral. It's love which made me think that it was a nightmare. It's love that made me to start disliking myself and my parents.. Love helped me to move on. Love still brings tear in my eyes because I miss her. Love made me to write. Love's made me to create this blog. 

Love made my mom to get mad at me. Yes, it was love when she was yelling at me. Love's the time when she's beating me so that I never choose the wrong path. Love's in spending time with my amazing pals. Love's in getting good marks at exams. Love's in every attachment. Love's in my school, my subject, my friends, my teachers, even in those road crashes that I have survived. Love's in turning 16, love's in writing, Love's in meeting people on here, love made me to try to kill myself, love has saved me..

Love can give you pleasure, love can give you pain.

P.S. It's not complete yet..will be posting the second part soon :)