"I'm torn.."

I'm torn, 
between the thoughts, 
of letting go 
and holding on for a little longer.
I'm torn, 
between the thoughts 
of going with the flow  
and starting it all over again.
I'm torn,
between the thoughts
of dying
and staying alive.
I'm torn, 
between the dreams 
where I find death scary
and the reality where I don't wanna live.
I'm torn,
between the person
people think I am
and the person I really am.

Everyday.

Everyday I scream,

And struggle to make sure, no one hears that noise in my voice.

Everyday I smile,

And struggle to make sure, no one sees the pain behind it.

Everyday I keep myself busy,

And struggle to make sure, no thought clogs my life.

Everyday I run outta' things to keep myself numb,

And struggle to fall asleep even when it's 3 A.M.

Everyday I try to figure out what's wrong with me,

And struggle to make myself believe that everything happens for a reason.

Self Destruction.

"Take it slow and let it go"

And that's how you go with the flow.

But what if you lose a part of yourself,

And start to feel like an empty book shelf?

Everything I see is black and white,

And yet the brightest corner is out of my sight.

I still want to be gone forever,

And give up on my greatest endeavor.

Everything is worthless,

My head is certainly a scary place.

May be you don't know but when you're under demon's claw,

It makes you see your greatest flaw.

I'm addicted to self destruction,

Because I can never get self satisfaction.

What kills me? What makes me angry? What makes me want to be dead? It's you. Because, you're my friend. The only person I talk to on regular basis. You told me that you were my friend. You told me that you'd be there. You made me believe that I could trust you. You are a liar. You're fake. You are a wannabe. You are screwed up. You judge people and that makes me think that somewhere at some point you judge me as well. I have been judged a lot of times. I don't want to be judged. I don't want anyone to be judged. I hate people who judge. I hate it so much that I make myself bleed. Can't you see? How can you hurt me by doing the same things, over and over again? You make me feel small. You take me for granted. And when I do the same to make you realize how it feels, you frown at me instead of realizing it. I hate you.

There he is,

Looking outta window, embracing the healing breeze.

This time, I think life is going to win,

'cause he is letting the breeze poke through his skin.

Making him feel blessed for a while,

It gave him life and a reason to smile.

The window seat did it's magic again,

Showed him, life isn't all about pain.

I hope that smile stays on his face,

And he gets all the good things, he's been trying to chase.

Hope.

"What is it? Why are you not telling me?" He sighed as he placed his hand on hers and held it tight. "..You know that I care about you right? I can't see you like this.. Dying inside slowly, every second. It kills me.."

Everything was quiet. The silence filled their hearts. Her best friend knew that she was hiding something. Everything was not fine in her life. She looked at the sky and let a deep sigh escape her lips as she tried to hold back the tears that were glittering in her eyes. "Okay, let me try put this into words and then we won't talk about this again" Her voice was trembling now. "I feel like I have the literal weight of the world on my chest and every so often nowadays, that brings me down, a lot. It is exhausting to feel a physical weight pulling you down. I think of my future and I do not foresee myself getting to 60 or dying of old age. I fear for my future.. because there's a part of me which affirms that I will be like this for the rest of my years. This is a reoccurring thought which spirals my emotions out of control. I break down and that lethargy sticks with me.  When I think about suicide and self harm in the most elaborate manner, I cry because I fear for myself and how much little control I have... When I cant shed tears, it feels even worse. Like the whole world is gonna cave in and there's nothing I can do. I think, talking to people is tiring, even though everyone is nice and I feel bad about it. I think having to face people is tiring. I think there is no such thing as love and that this world is a terrible place to be in." She closed her eyes and the tears rolled down her cheeks. She sniffed and wiped her tears. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have.. That was just really stupid"

He wasn't surprised. He knew it but he was glad that she finally spoke up. He didn't smile. He didn't frown. He squeezed her hand a little and said, "Hey, don't say that. It wasn't stupid. It's fine." She looked numb.  
He looked at her and then looked at stars which were giving life to the sky. He continued, "You know that there are a lot of people like you and  I, right? And people like you and I, feel the same. We can't see our futures. We all fear that we wont be be alright, we're going to remain the same. We don't see love even when people are trying to make us feel loved. And that's probably because the people who're trying to make us feel loved are out of love, heart broken or empty. May be someday we all will meet or find someone who is full of love, who isn't heart broken or empty. May be someday we'll feel loved. But we're not sure. The world is a terribly sad place. Some people are strong enough to face it and cope with it. But for people like you and I, it's difficult." 
Now, she was staring at the stars too while he was speaking. "I feel tired as well. I want to talk to people but at the same time I don't. I appreciate that you and a couple of other people are trying to help me or feel better but I just can't. And I know that you appreciate it as well. And you can't feel better either. We just have to try really hard to keep ourselves numb so that we don't breakdown but I also know that it's not possible all the time... But still I want you to know that I'm here and I understand and I need you to keep trying even if you see no hope. I love you.."
They both didn't say anything for a long time. They had reached the stage in their friendship where even silence was comfortable. She rested her head on his shoulder and the silence spoke for them. They both felt the same. Hope keeps us going. Hope keeps us alive. Hope is something that we need when nothing seems right.

My tears and scars 
Were supposed to hide 
After looking 
At our companionship 
Getting toughened 
But 
The companionship was 
too weak and fragile. 
My pains, 
My tears 
And my scars 
Were just too much 
To handle.

Pages from her diary

"Sometimes it's so hard to gather all the words that are scattered everywhere inside you. They say, if you need help, talk to someone you trust. The people you trust, take you for granted. They believe that you're gonna stay. They believe that things are not that bad for you. They believe that you're not that sad. They believe that you'll figure out a way just like they did. But they don't know. They don't know and they don't understand that every one is not the same person. Every person has different insecurities and fears. Every person has different sorts of reasons that cause the pain. And right now, I'm starting to believe that I should kill myself so that people can see how sad I am, how much it hurts, how much I hate myself and how difficult this is for me."