5 seconds of insanity

I never thought of talking to him before until one day when my friends made me add him on facebook. You can call it 5 seconds of insanity that I went on his profile and clicked on "Add friend" and the fear crawled up with thousands of "what if" questions. I canceled the request. In no time, I got a friend request. It was him. I accepted the friend request and logged out. I couldn't stop thinking about what I just did. 

30 minutes later, it was 1:20 AM now, I decided to login again. I had a message notification and it was from him but he wasn't online.

"Hi"
"Hi! Sorry, my internet stopped working."

About a minute later, he was online again.

"That's okay. It's good to finally talk to you." 
Jesus Christ! I'm finally talking to him. "Ah, same here.", I replied.

"How come you messaged me today?"
Gah, how do I tell him that I added him but freaked out? "Actually, You were on the suggestion lists on my FB sidebar. We have mutual friends so I wanted to click on the mutual friends list but I accidentally clicked on 'Add friend' and then freaked out thinking maybe you wouldn't like it so I cancelled it."

"Oh. And I thought that you searched for my profile and then added me but I guess I wrong.. This was accidental.. :("
"No, no. I just.. I didn't know your real name. Everyone calls you by your nickname. If I knew your real name, I would have added you..", I lied.

"Ah so you recognized me by my face.. my profile picture?"
"Yes."

"Like, 'Ah he looks like an idiot. It must be him.'"
"Omg, no."

"Aahahaha, I'm kidding. Why were you so scared in the first place? Why wouldn't I like it if you added me? Thank God, I was messing with my phone and was logged in or else I would have missed this chance"
"Haha, I'm glad too. :)"

"I'm so happy to talk to you. I've always wanted to talk to you. I tried several times but couldn't pick up the courage."  
Ehhh. Is this really happening? "I've always wanted to talk to you as well, but most of the times you looked angry and I thought maybe you don't like me and that's why I freaked out and canceled the request."

"Even if I looked angry, I wasn't angry at you.. and why would I dislike you? You're so sweet and beautiful. I really like you."
I couldn't stop smiling. I replied, "I like you too. :) :)"

We stayed up the entire night and talked. It was the best night of 2015. Everything changed after that night.

How many things can possibly go wrong in one life? And when too many things go wrong, what makes you to keep breathing? What makes you to still want to live this life? I believe that's hope and the idea of having everything right and better in the future.

Maybe someday, I'll have it all figured out as well. I'll have it all right and better.

I think about it a lot.

I think about the endings a lot. End of my existence to be specific. I wonder how things will be when I’m gone. How will they find it out? What will be their reaction? Who is going to cry the most? Who is going to regret the most? Are they going to remember me? How long will it take for my memories to fade away from their lives? What is their favorite memory with me? What will they miss the most about me? Will they miss me at all? Will they refer to me as the girl who was funny? Or someone who loved ice cream? Or the girl whose bluetooth device name was pizza? Or will they remember me as the girl who always looked sad but laughed till her stomach hurt? Will they remember me as the smart chick with nerdy glasses who got the highest marks in the class? Or as the girl who used to be short, chubby and not pretty at all? Will they remember me as the girl who loved to take photographs? What will they do or think about me after finding out about the suicide? Will there be rumors at my college? What will be the different theories for my suicide? Will the people I call friends, understand this? Will they forgive me? Will they regret not being able to help me?

Cricket Chaos

I don't think I will ever understand how people can be so stupid. I don't ever write about these things on my blog but I just couldn't keep myself from writing about it. Why didn't people trend Yuvi's name when we were winning the world cup matches without him in the team? Why no one missed him then? Yuvi is certainly an amazing and yes, he was the man of the tournament in the last world cup but he wasn't the only one playing. There were 14 other members who were in 2011 world cup  squad. 

Yes, Yuvi wasn't in the team this time. No offence but then Sachin, Sehwag, Gautam, Yusuf, Zahir and others were not in the team either. They were the part of the same team who won the world cup.

"Agar Yuvi rehta toh hum jeet jaate" Seriously? Okay yeah, maybe we could have won the match or maybe not. But here is the truth, we won 7 consecutive world cup matches without him and rest of the other squad members of 2011 world cup. We could have won this one too without him but we are all missing an important point here. Team Australia. The team which played better than us. We didn't lose because Yuvi wasn't in the team or because Anushka was there at the stadium. We lost it because Australia played better than us. That's the only reason.

Stop hating Anushka, Dhoni, Virat and rest of the other members. You think Dhoni didn't give his best? Think again. The man lead the team and made us win seven consecutive world cup matches. He didn't fly back to India on her daughter's birth. He played selflessly. He is an amazing player. Entire Team India did an amazing job at Australia. They are all  amazing players and they did their best. We gave it back but we can get it back again next time. Have faith in team India. Stop hating.

Have you ever wanted to write something so bad but still couldn't make yourself to do it because you don't know how to? I have been feeling the same and it's been so long like it's been over two months. I did write something last month but that was just anger and sadness. How do I feel right now? I don't know. I want to run away from every person I've ever known or talked to and start over again. I feel so distant and cold. But I've also never been so close to the people around me.. specifically the people from my college and I had some good time with them. College has almost ended and now it's to find a job and it all seems so scary.

I finally have some time but I'm wasting it by watching "Supernatural" on Netflix everyday. I could use that time preparing for more interviews and exams and you know, just looking for more options? I watch movies and TV dramas till I get headaches and my eyes start to hurt. Sometimes I stop but sometimes I want to continue doing it because I cannot talk to the person I want to. It's the suckiest thing that could happen to you. Being invested on someone so much that they control your moods and actions? God, that is one of the worst things that could happen to you.

But here is the thing. I'm not sad. I'm not happy and I cannot bring myself to care much about anything. I don't feel like I'm in love, I think, I'm out of love. It's a good state to be in. But I need to let go of some bonds and ties and make some new ones. I need another story to live in.

I avoid speaking/writing about this as much as I can but sometimes I just can't. So, I'm going to write about me.. about us.. the women. The truth is the world is an unsafe place for women. No matter how old we are, what shape, size, class or color we are, we have to go through this. The sexual harassment. The more I try to run away from my past, the more it starts to haunt me back. 

Let's get straight to the point. Why is it so hard for the men not to sexually harass the women. When will it finally stop?

I know, I'm not going to be an inspiration and the harassment will not stop after writing this post. It'll be just another shout in the void. Sometimes, I wonder if men would stop doing this to us once they knew how it feels like? I don't know. Probably, not. They cannot understand this at all.

Do you know how it makes me feel? Fine. I'll tell you. It makes me wish, I was dead. It makes me want to burn my skin or peel it off because someone touched me without my consent. It makes me sad and angry and gives me another reason to be afraid of all men. I feel so intimidated that I can't even look at their face or directly into their eyes. I've been a victim several times and it feels like it's happening more these days because something happens every other day. It even happened today, a couple of hours ago when I was in the bus, coming back from an open campus drive. I'm already very intimidated by men so if I ever have to sit next to a man in the bus, I make sure that I'm sitting next to decent man but today I was wrong today. Very wrong.

The man sitting next to me, was nudging me with his elbow at the side of my stomach and at first, I just thought that may be his arm was hurting so he was trying move or stretch a bit but it kept happening. I moved away from him but it happened again and again and the nudging became rubbing(I put my arm on my side, hoping it would stop but instead it felt like he was trying to move my hand) so I had to exchange my seat with a guy who was sitting right in front of me. I didn't say ordo a single thing to that asshole and you have no idea how much I hate it. He kept looking at me and I avoided looking at him or in his direction. I wanted to hit him and shove my pen into his eyes. 

I hate it. I hate my life. I know, I shouldn't feel so and not all men are same but if things keep happening to me over and over again. how will I ever feel okay? Honestly, it becomes harder to trust a men when one of your abusers is your own family member. I don't want to live like this.. Please, I beg you, don't do this to us.

I wish things would just stop happening after this. I wish I could make a difference. But life doesn't work like that. I told one of school best friends about it and he said, "Couldn't you chose a better seat?" Now, it's my fault that the man was creepy? Great. You know, this is our society where we blame women who get harassed/abused but we refuse to teach the boys, not to do it. The men won't stop doing it and the women will continue to suffer.

I'm not a mentally strong person. I'm emotionally unstable. My days are either filled with too many highs or too many lows and sometimes I take too long to speak up. As I said before, I know it won't stop so I'm not hoping for it to stop but I'm hoping to get enough courage that I don't take too long to react.

Depression is so fucked up. Once it gets a good grip of you, it never leaves you alone. It follows you everywhere. It gets in your system. It starts eating you up from the inside, slowing sucking up the life out of you. You scream for help but it gets lost in the noise of the crowd like a shout in a void. You cannot bring yourself to speak or express yourself, you start to forget things that once made you happy, you feel unworthy and isolated, you crave human interaction but at the same time you want to be alone and slowly being alone starts to suck as well. You smile and laugh with your so called group of “friends” but deep down you know you don’t mean anything to them and the smiles and laughs reminds you more of how lonely you are and how deep is the void in your heart. It fucking hits you out of nowhere and it makes you act accordingly. A few minutes later, when you’re done doing the action, you start to realize how stupid you were to do that. You don’t easily feel happy or loved and even if you do, it vanishes in a blink. Sometimes, you wish you were hit by a truck, sometimes you want to drink the floor cleaner, sometimes you want to make a hundred cuts on your arms and bleed to death, sometimes you want to empty the bottle of the pills. Sometimes you just want to sleep away your life. You think of a thousand ways to kill yourself. You know that it’s all in your head but you cannot do anything about it. The world disgusts you but at the same time you want to be a “normal” person. You cannot see if it’ll ever get better but you try to live your life the way it is.

2015

The only thing that's going to change with the year 2015 is the calendar. Nothing else. Everything and everyone will remain the same. You and I? We are going to be the same. 

I'm definitely over this.  I don't have any expectation because expectation leads to disappointment. I learned a lot of things in the past year. I learned that it's okay to let go. I learned that growing up means being true to yourself. Whatever you feel, whatever you like, accept it. But one thing I didn't learn is to like or love myself. I hate myself the most and that makes me my own bully but let's not talk about it. Maybe 2015 is going to be better or worse or just be the same as 2014. 

It was a bad year for most of us, some lost families, some lost love, some lost friends. And the saddening thing is that most number of people have died this year. I didn't think I'd make it to 2015 but I did. I made it to 2015, thanks to all the love and prayers that I received. I really want to thank them all for being in my life. I broke my ties with some people and I mended some with the others. I didn't speak to some people but I missed them. I missed some people but I didn't speak to them. I came to the realization that life is actually very very short. There's no point of grieving for too long but also there's no point of bottling up the feelings. There's no point of tearing up your wishlist for other if they don't make you happy. 

It's like when you're younger, you make up plans and you dream of big things to accomplish someday and then one day, you're 21 and you realize that the "someday" is supposed to be today but you haven't done anything yet and you already have the responsibility that you never wanted in the first place, not so soon at least. Ask yourself, have you lived your life? Have you been happy? Do you do things that make you happy or makes you feel alive? Have you fallen in love? Have you accepted your feelings for the person you actually love? When are you going to tell them that you love them? You don't have time. It's slipping out of your hands. You need to start living for yourself. You need to do what makes you happy. Just do it. Don't think too much of the consequence. That's the only way to live.

I realized this a few weeks ago and I decided to live my life as much as I can but I won't run away from my responsibilities for that. Hopefully I'll continue living like this in the next year and hopefully I'll grow. I really pray 2015 doesn't disappoint the ones who are expecting something from it.